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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wait until after our holiday to tell DD parents are separating?

153 replies

Applepea1 · 09/07/2021 09:57

Plan was to tell soon and then all go away together at the beginning of the summer holidays. He will then move out shortly after we get back. I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together. But now I wonder if I should let her enjoy the last of term and holiday. He can delay the moving out for a little while, can be a couple of weeks after we get home. She is 9 and very immature. I'm also just terrified of telling her.

OP posts:
Mischance · 09/07/2021 10:00

I would tell her now. As you say she can enjoy her holiday knowing that families can function in a loving way even though parents have parted.

She will probably be less fazed by it than you think - her school and friendship group will be full of children in the same boat.

TeenMinusTests · 09/07/2021 10:02

I have never been in this situation so this suggestion might be totally rubbish.

What about going on holiday without your soon to be ex? Then she'll have seen that life still goes on without him(?) around the whole time. Then when you get home sit down together and explain?

Passingahat · 09/07/2021 10:02

I would tell her after personally. I would still give her some time between telling her and him moving but think if you tell her before the holiday there is a chance that she will spend the whole time hoping that you might change your mind every time you are kind to each other

Isitpossi · 09/07/2021 10:03

I wouldn’t tell her

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 10:05

I was devastated when my parents told me they were splitting and it would have been the worst holiday of my life. Tell her after. I was 8.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/07/2021 10:06

Tell her now or she'll look back and think the holiday was 'fake.' I agree with the pp who said holiday without him.

LittleBlackCat22 · 09/07/2021 10:06

actually this did happen to me! My Nan came on holiday with us I stead of my dad.

LittleOwl153 · 09/07/2021 10:07

What's the accommodation set up on holiday?
Don't assume a 9yr old is unaware of what is going on around them.
You need to tell her when you have a firm plan. So when is daddy moving out. Where is he going. But I would do it now if you have a couple of weeks of school left - that way she has the support of her friends /teachers. Don't make her summer holiday all about the split- the summer needs to be the fresh start so that she goes back in September confident of her family being there for her no matter what.

BarbarianMum · 09/07/2021 10:09

I think having a lovely holiday all together then telling her you are splitting up would be a bit of a head fuck tbh.

Sandinmyknickers · 09/07/2021 10:09

I would tell her before. If she has a great holiday with her parents, her grief at the thought of that never happening again will be even worse.
You can show her that you are still a family and can do family things together, but it's a bit different. Then maybe if she takes it very badly, dad can stick around at home a tad longer as you've said he can delay. Gives her time to get used to it rather than great family holiday and then ripping it all away

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2021 10:18

Personally I'd wait till your back q few weeks I've not been in that situation but imagine how awkward it would be if you said Dd daddy is moving out so this will be our last family holiday. I think that might be worse for her,

Stompythedinosaur · 09/07/2021 10:19

I would probably tell her and rethink the holiday. The reality is that you will not all be a family together (though she will be family to you both). I wondered if a family holiday will be quite confusing about whether the split is final.

lanthanum · 09/07/2021 10:24

I know a couple of families who continued to holiday together for a few years after the separation. Not everyone can do that (and obviously it stops working if one parent starts a new family), but where the separation is amicable, some can.

MayEye · 09/07/2021 10:25

I had this 2 years ago when we were separating. We told the kids before the holiday - it wasn’t planned as such but my son asked out straight were we separating and I wasn’t going to lie to him. It was probably a month before the holiday and we went and they had a good time and ex moved out about a week or so later.
I was glad actually because it would have been hanging over me all holiday and I wanted him to move out asap when we got back so the kids had some time to process that before going back to school, so they were able to gradually accept what was going to happen.

moynomore · 09/07/2021 10:25

@LittleBlackCat22

I was devastated when my parents told me they were splitting and it would have been the worst holiday of my life. Tell her after. I was 8.
Agree. I was totally devastated too. I was also 8. Let her enjoy the holiday.
WhySoSensitive · 09/07/2021 10:34

Either:
Tell her now, don’t take dad on holiday but go without him or with another family member.

Or

Holiday with dad and tell her after.

Do not tell her and then holiday with dad because that will confuse the hell out of her (why would mum and dad holiday together if they aren’t together?)

MyMabel · 09/07/2021 10:37

I’d tell her after too.

I have divorced parents, it was upsetting at first. I wouldn’t have liked to have been told before a holiday.

There’s nothing to tell her that you both decided this was the case before holiday but didn’t want her to feel upset or worried over the holiday so wanted to tell her after, thus including the fact you can still function as a loving family together or not.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 09/07/2021 10:39

I’d tell her before as otherwise she’ll have what she thought was a lovely holiday and then find out it was all a lie. I’d also not go on holiday altogether, whether you’ve told her or not. Stop perpetuating a lie.

walkoflifewoohoo · 09/07/2021 10:44

Why are you all still going on the holiday? That's the thing that will confuse her the most.

We've just had a brilliant holiday, I thought we were happy, why have they split up?

Or,

They said they are splitting up but now we're together. Having the best time on holiday so now they're together again. Except he's moving out, why?

Just choose who is taking her on holiday.

AudHvamm · 09/07/2021 10:47

I think your original plan is perfect. How wonderful for your daughter’s sense of security to have it demonstrated so clearly that her parents are still a unit when it comes to her.
I really think it would be terrible to tell her and then immediately go away without her dad. I also agree with a pp that tell her after the holiday may make her feel a lack of trust and confusion.
Totally understandable you’re scared to tell her, but I think instincts were right on this and wouldn’t let that change the the way you go about this.
My parents are divorced if that’s relevant.

Yellow85 · 09/07/2021 10:51

I’d hate the idea of her thinking the holiday was a big lie. She’s not mature enough to understand the reasons you have for it. I’d think it would be best to tell her beforehand, then ensure each of you get 121 time with her whilst away so she can talk to you both

nanbread · 09/07/2021 10:51

Can you be fully present and relaxed going on holiday without her knowing?

You don't want to ruin the holiday by being anxious and fake.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/07/2021 10:54

I didn't understand my parents divorce as I never saw them argue or fall out. Very hard to understand as a child.

KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2021 10:57

How much is she aware that you have having marital issues?

Mrsjayy · 09/07/2021 11:00

*Can you be fully present and relaxed going on holiday without her knowing?

You don't want to ruin the holiday by being anxious and fake.*

This a good point would you manage the holiday