To wait until after our holiday to tell DD parents are separating?

[Applepea1]

Plan was to tell soon and then all go away together at the beginning of the summer holidays. He will then move out shortly after we get back. I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together. But now I wonder if I should let her enjoy the last of term and holiday. He can delay the moving out for a little while, can be a couple of weeks after we get home. She is 9 and very immature. I'm also just terrified of telling her.

Remove the holiday from the equation - it's nothing compared with what your DD will be dealing with. Nine year old me was VERY young for my age, very sensitive, very introverted, but my trust in my parents was rock solid.

A 'happy holiday' followed by dad leaving could undermine that trust - I can imagine me feeling that as a kid. I would have found it horribly confusing and everything would then become That Holiday, examining again and again why it was the end of everything, why it didn't 'fix' everything, why it seemed happy when everything was actually sad but no one told me.

Tell your DD, then go on holiday together, without dad (that's too much, too soon), and make it the beginning of something instead of the end of something.

Do the holiday with only one of you is best.

Don't tell her before the holiday. We had a very gradual 'separation', ex still comes out on days etc and is always at our house.

She is 9, the holiday wont be a big lie if every one genuinely enjoy themselves. Whats the point in letting her worry about her dad leaving when your all going on a much needed holiday.

@Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat

Remove the holiday from the equation - it's nothing compared with what your DD will be dealing with. Nine year old me was VERY young for my age, very sensitive, very introverted, but my trust in my parents was rock solid.

A 'happy holiday' followed by dad leaving could undermine that trust - I can imagine me feeling that as a kid. I would have found it horribly confusing and everything would then become That Holiday, examining again and again why it was the end of everything, why it didn't 'fix' everything, why it seemed happy when everything was actually sad but no one told me.

Tell your DD, then go on holiday together, without dad (that's too much, too soon), and make it the beginning of something instead of the end of something.

I feel this is completely spot on. I was 9 (and Introverted and young for my age) when my parents covered up the death of my beloved grandad so that my brothers GCSEs weren’t disturbed.

Even though as an adult I understand why they did this and the pain my dad must have gone through and hidden i still remember their faces when they lied to me about going to see him in hospital (they had been to his funeral). I reassessed everything as soon as they told me.

You both know the truth, best to be open with her. The holiday will likely count for nothing in retrospect. Your intentions are to soften the blow, and ultimately it will still affect her so best be open and truthful and hold her in the awfulness of it. I wish you all strength and courage

@gillysSong

cancel the holiday, tell her together, she must know neither of you are happy. Kids aren't stupid.

I wouldn't cancel the holiday. Imagine being told your parents are separating and "oh, you aren't haven't a holiday either".

Tell her now while she’s still in school surrounded by her friends for external support and some normality. I agree with others going on holiday with ex would be very confusing. Maybe see if she could bring a friend or cousin instead to take her mind off it all.

Putting off bad news is not a good idea.

Don't agree, sorry. My DM was a best-friend we-tell-each-other-everything parent. It made me a nervous wreck. Children don't need to be updated on every development.

And frankly, we all know this child has bad news coming. I don't see the logic in punishing her by removing her holiday, or telling her ahead of time that these will be the last happy memories she makes with the two of you. Let her have her holiday, and don't land bad news on her before you need to. Presumably her parents aren't going to split up the day after getting back from the holiday.

I hated that I had to go into school or see friends the next day when my parents told me. I needed to process it on my own and not face anyone else for a while.

If it's all amicable and nice I'd go on hol and enjoy. I wouldn't tell kids too far in advance of that. They're not going to get used to the idea. They'll only become accustomed to the changes as they happen. I think it would ruin the holiday and I would rather not have known at that age.

A 'happy holiday' followed by dad leaving could undermine that trust - I can imagine me feeling that as a kid. I would have found it horribly confusing and everything would then become That Holiday, examining again and again why it was the end of everything, why it didn't 'fix' everything, why it seemed happy when everything was actually sad but no one told me.

I’d rather her have a happy holiday that she’s been looking forward to and telling her afterwards (obviously not straight away) rather than telling her before and it ruining her holiday.
Let her have one last happy family holiday memory especially after everything that has gone on this year.

I remember if my parents ever seemed to be being nice to each other getting full of hope.
I remember thinking ‘Why can’t they just be happy and love each other’ It seemed really simple to me that they could just stop this terrible thing from happening and it was incomprehensible to me that they wouldn’t.
Everytime things seemed to be going better or they had a more pleasant interaction it would restart the hope that they would work things out and that it had all been a terrible mistake.I literally felt as if my world was collapsing from underneath me and had that horrible sick dread feeling in my chest for months. On the surface I probably seemed fine.
The only thing that made me ok in the end was time realising that in the end there would be a different normal but that everything would eventually feel ok and safe again and I wouldn’t feel so scared. The idea that my dad actually really wanted to leave my mum, was choosing to not see her, not want to speak to her everyday was incomprehensible to me. The same was true of my mum, I think to small children you are to be relied on like the sky and the grass and my parents divorcing changed my sense of the safety of my world forever.

Tell her after the holiday.

My parents told me and my siblings that our father was leaving after our holiday. I remember all of us crying and locking ourselves in our room at the end of the holiday. My dad was shouting and banging on the door. It was the worst holiday I have ever had and for many years afterwards I used to get a sense of dread at the end of every holiday and cry inconsolably. My sister was the same too. It’s only in recent years that this doesn’t happen anymore, I think camping cured me! But it took over 30 years.
Please wait until after your holiday.

Thank you for all the replies. We've decided to wait until afterwards, rightly or wrongly. I still feel my reasoning for telling her before makes sense but maybe it's a more adult sense as what stood out to me here were the replies from people who had been through this themselves as children. So putting myself in her place I can see how she might feel on holiday and the worry about what will happen on return.

So putting myself in her place I can see how she might feel on holiday and the worry about what will happen on return

As opposed to coming home and feeling the whole thing was fake? I urge you to read back and seriously reconsider, read the posts from the posters who were children and have been through this.

Best of luck.

If you don’t tell her before (and one of you doesn’t go - a joint holiday isn’t a good plan) then you need to wait several weeks after you’re back.

Don’t get back and then split up immediately.

I think it's an awful idea to tell dc before.
Realistically, I'm sorry to say, a year post split you are unlikely to still be co parenting in the way you imagine now.

I have experience of this personally and in my work life and for every family that plan to 'still be a family' and share birthdays, days out etc post split, exactly zero have achieved it sadly.
It often works short term but the moment either of you move on, the dynamic will change, however much you think it won't!

Far kinder to either split now and just one of you holiday with the dc or wait until after the break.
Telling them before and then holidaying together, is I'm afraid is creating a very unrealistic expectation for how things will be a few years from now!

I do think I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together isn’t likely to pan out as you expect OP.

Both sound bad, is there no chance you can give it another try with OH?

Seems a bit odd you want to split up, yet will be able to act like a couple throughout the holiday.

We just had this. We told them right before we went and it worked really well. We’re no longer a couple but we still fully intend to operate as a family unit. Telling them just before a holiday gave them an opportunity to ask questions as they occurred, with both of us there, and to spend lots of time with us both and see that although we aren’t a couple any more, actually that doesn’t affect how we are with them. We had a lovely holiday, and we are actually currently on our second holiday after having told them, and we have another planned for later in the year.

We’re living in the same house and will be for a few months. We’re getting on better than ever, and will be living next door to each other in a few months when the houses are ready.

I realise some of the above is unusual, but in terms of the telling the kids, I definitely feel we did the right thing, because they had a chance to digest while we were all together, and talk about it in a more relaxed way, and we were able to reinforce the family unit message.

I also realise you can’t quite tell how children have taken things, but genuinely they both seem absolutely fine. Once they were reassured that we were getting on fine, no one else was involved and we were going to be very close by each other and both see the kids every day or most days, their school isn’t changing or anything like that, they were fine.

@brittleheadgirl

I think it's an awful idea to tell dc before. Realistically, I'm sorry to say, a year post split you are unlikely to still be co parenting in the way you imagine now.

I have experience of this personally and in my work life and for every family that plan to 'still be a family' and share birthdays, days out etc post split, exactly zero have achieved it sadly.
It often works short term but the moment either of you move on, the dynamic will change, however much you think it won't!

Far kinder to either split now and just one of you holiday with the dc or wait until after the break.
Telling them before and then holidaying together, is I'm afraid is creating a very unrealistic expectation for how things will be a few years from now!

That’s interesting. We actually know (or know of) several people who have done similar successfully.

And actually, if things do end up being different a few years down the line, why does that matter? If a more “family unit” arrangement can be achieved for a few years, why not make the most of it?

read the posts from the posters who were children and have been through this.

She has, those posts have supported her in her decision. There’s nothing worse than an OP who won’t do as she’s told, is there?😁

I think you have made the right choice

If you told her you were separating anx then went on holiday, I think it would give her false hope that you will reconcile

Better she knows that's not on the table

@flowery
The fact that you only 'know of' these people is very telling!
Who says it's successful? I doubt it's the children!

I've seen it work very well in the short term but the dynamic will and has to change once either parent meets a new partner.

We've decided to wait until afterwards, rightly or wrongly. I still feel my reasoning for telling her before makes sense but maybe it's a more adult sense as what stood out to me here were the replies from people who had been through this themselves as children

Plenty of other posters supported the idea of telling her before. I wish we had been more persuasive!

In some ways, this feels like putting the holiday front and centre, making sure that everyone has a 'nice time' - for good, loving reasons, I know - when there is so much more to prioritise.

I've tried to post my thoughts coherently - I have direct experience of something similar also - but we must all do what we feel is right, and so I wish you luck in your decision and I hope all goes well.

[quote brittleheadgirl]@flowery
The fact that you only 'know of' these people is very telling!
Who says it's successful? I doubt it's the children!

I've seen it work very well in the short term but the dynamic will and has to change once either parent meets a new partner.[/quote]
Why it is “telling” that I don’t know all of them personally? Why does that mean it isn’t true?? I trust the people who do know, why would I not? Neither you nor I have any reason to think it’s not the case.

And as I said, just because things might (or might not) change later doesn’t mean abandoning family unit plans at the start. Why would it? My kids are benefiting from us being close and spending time together. Why would I take that away now just because it might not be quite like this forever?

Yes at some point either he or I might meet someone else and that might, if it gets serious, affect the dynamic. But we’ll handle that at the time, and we’re both mature and sensible enough to handle it well and with the kids’ welfare in mind.

He’s been my best friend since I was 14 years old and as much my family as anyone I’m related to. Why would I not nurture that, and why would I throw that away just because we’re not in a romantic relationship anymore?

If things change later, they change later. In the meantime we’re doing what’s best for all of us, and it’s fairly early days but it’s working very well currently.