Page 3 | To wait until after our holiday to tell DD parents are separating?

Applepea1 · 2021-07-09T08:57:21+00:00

Plan was to tell soon and then all go away together at the beginning of the summer holidays. He will then move out shortly after we get back. I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together. But now I wonder if I should let her enjoy the last of term and holiday. He can delay the moving out for a little while, can be a couple of weeks after we get home. She is 9 and very immature. I'm also just terrified of telling her.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 09/07/2021 11:36

My friend and her ex had what - at least from my perspective, I get you can never truly know - looked like a very amicable split. They did the last special holiday with the dc thing (although they were younger than your dd) and then split when they got back. I’m not 100% what the dc knew and when, but she felt it had been the right thing to do.

bluebeck · 09/07/2021 11:36

Sadly I was in this exact position ten years ago. My youngest DS was 10. I wanted to go without him but he wasn't having that. We did tell the DC we were splitting and oddly enough, DS told me yesterday that he still has dreadful memories of that holiday because he knew what was coming.

If you can remain amicable I would say tell them when you get back.

chocorabbit · 09/07/2021 11:42

@bluebeck

Sadly I was in this exact position ten years ago. My youngest DS was 10. I wanted to go without him but he wasn't having that. We did tell the DC we were splitting and oddly enough, DS told me yesterday that he still has dreadful memories of that holiday because he knew what was coming.

If you can remain amicable I would say tell them when you get back.

Exactly. It might destroy her holiday looking anctually for signs of "no this can't be happening, now they look happy, it will be ok".

GalacticDragonfly · 09/07/2021 11:43

Another thing that springs to mind is that if your school is still open, I would tell her while she still has access to pastoral support there. Lots of primaries will have someone for her to speak to who will have experience of helping children through this.

grapewine · 09/07/2021 11:46

@TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER

I’d tell her before as otherwise she’ll have what she thought was a lovely holiday and then find out it was all a lie. I’d also not go on holiday altogether, whether you’ve told her or not. Stop perpetuating a lie.

Agree with this. Tell her and then bring someone else on holiday. Don't pretend.

Applesonthelawn · 09/07/2021 11:47

I think you must have a good relationship with soon to be ex to go on holiday with him. If this is the case, I think it is good to holiday together so that she can be comforted by both of you simultaneously about the split. Show her that you can still be friends and that you love her as much as ever, if that is a realistic option for you.

moynomore · 09/07/2021 11:50

I am not sure about the idea that she will think the holiday was a lie. I was 8 when my parents separated and I really didn't see it coming, but my thought processes were too immature at that age to really analyse things that had happened in the the leading up to the announcement.

Again, I would definitely not tell her before if you are all going together as a family. I do think I would have found that very sad knowing it was our last holiday as a family (even if you plan on more).

FlyingBattie · 09/07/2021 11:52

After for sure.

CelestialGalaxy · 09/07/2021 11:54

Dont tell the poor child beforehand. You would be telling them their whole world has crumbled but hey nevermind we can still go on holiday, it's almost cruel, as it still doesn't get over the fact that their world has crumbled.

Wondergirl100 · 09/07/2021 11:55

My parents kept doing things like holidays etc I hated it. I also didn't understand as they didn't argue in front of me - I wish they had been a lot clearer and stopped doing things as a family. HOWEVER - lets be honest I don't know the alternative, maybe it's best to present a unietd front and have a holiday.

I just think you should do what makes you the parent most comfortable as then you will be a better parent to them..

Puppalicious · 09/07/2021 11:57

I think after. I can’t see how she would enjoy the holiday after being told. I think she is possibly a little young to be thinking “that was all just a lie”, that would be more of a concern for more mature children.

thepeopleversuswork · 09/07/2021 11:58

I understand this will be difficult but I think the best course of action is to tell her now and either cancel the holiday or go without him.

I can totally understand the desire for her to have one last family holiday together but keeping up appearances on holiday in these circumstances will both put you and your DH under huge strain and will probably not be very convincing for her. I don't see how you can really enjoy it and there's a risk tempers will flare even further on the holiday which would be deeply upsetting to her.

Honesty is important: children remember (and struggle to forgive) their parents not being honest with them about things this important.

I would take the "hit" (emotional and financial) now and get her ready for the idea of life with him not living with you. Then treat her to a nice break with you and spend some quality time with her.

Bibidy · 09/07/2021 11:58

I personally would tell her after the holiday because I don't think it's likely to be realistic that you will continue doing things like family holidays etc following your actual separation.

It's giving her a false picture of what it's going to be like as it makes it look like it will stay the same, but it won't.

WhoPutThatThere · 09/07/2021 11:59

Agree with all the posters saying don't wait.
Tell her now (together, both parents) and then she'll see that the 'we can all still get along' is true, and it will be more likely to be true because you'll both be less stressed on holiday feeling like you're putting on a front.
We did this with my kids (6 and 8 at the time) when we separated, told them we would still be spending xmas together, and we'd still be a family, but it would just work a bit differently. And Xmas was fine.
Yes, it is a hard conversation to have, but you will honestly feel so much better once it's done and out in the open.

userrnamemn · 09/07/2021 12:06

I agree with a previous poster, you should tell her now and go away without her dad to show her life goes on.

It is cruel to tell her after a lovely family holiday (total head fuck - she’ll be questioning the holiday), and also a recipe for disaster to tell her before, as you won’t continue to holiday as a family forever.

People say kids are resilient etc and I disagree. Kids are just very good at hiding their feelings.

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 09/07/2021 12:10

Children have sharp instincts - even if they don't have the emotional vocabulary to explain how they're feeling. They absorb things that we didn't even think we'd exposed them to and those things manifest in all kinds of ways over future years.

I'm always reluctant to present anything 'fake' or non-authentic to my kids, which dulls those instincts and make them doubt themselves and the adults around them.

I honestly think that the kindest thing is honesty, before the event. Holiday without dad this time, have a lovely time, and then do something as a family to create new memories when your DD has had the opportunity of going through a safe, loving, trusting period of adjustment.

ScottishNewbie · 09/07/2021 12:11

My parents divorced after the summer holidays when my sister was 10. She never forgave them as she felt like it was all a lie and she had been kept in the dark and her world was changing but she had no idea. ( I knew about divorce as was older).

She now has trust issues with both parents. For some reason, it really affected her and still does, 15 years later.

I would tell her before. Say how much you love each other and are still a family, and treat the holiday like a lovely goodbye.

randomlyLostInWales · 09/07/2021 12:12

Another thing that springs to mind is that if your school is still open, I would tell her while she still has access to pastoral support there. Lots of primaries will have someone for her to speak to who will have experience of helping children through this.

I thought this as well - a safe place outside the family to process it all.

IWantT0BreakFree · 09/07/2021 12:13

I'd take someone else on the holiday instead of stbx. A grandparent or friend. Then I'd tell her when we got home. Maybe she will see that she can still have fun and feel secure without both of you together.

Telling her before the holiday but then still going together is a headfuck. She'll be thinking the whole time that it was all a mistake and actually you are still together. You'll end up having to "break it to her" all over again when you get home and she has unrealistic expectations. Telling her after the holiday is not much better. She will feel like it was all fake and that you lied to her.

I think the problem is the going on holiday "as a family". I don't think it's going to send the message that you're hoping. I think it's just really confusing for a young kid who is already going to have a lot to get her head around. It's an extra complication that you can easily spare her from.

thedancingbear · 09/07/2021 12:13

@LittleBlackCat22

I was devastated when my parents told me they were splitting and it would have been the worst holiday of my life. Tell her after. I was 8.

No, you weren't. Kids aren't affected by their parents splitting up. Actually, they're usually happier once the OP has kicked the dad out.

Children are really resilient and love broken families.

TheCrowening · 09/07/2021 12:14

I have talked to a lot of children whose parents have separated. I remember several children talking about it happening just after (or even on…) a family holiday. Every one of them were confused, “we were so happy, it was the best holiday ever, then it was the worst time ever” type of thing.

I honestly think you should tell her before. Going away together after, if you can genuinely be friendly with each other, is a really good way of showing her that while you’re not going to be married any more, everything’s going to be ok.

RubyFowler · 09/07/2021 12:18

I think the problem is the going on holiday "as a family". I don't think it's going to send the message that you're hoping. I think it's just really confusing for a young kid who is already going to have a lot to get her head around. It's an extra complication that you can easily spare her from

I agree. At that age they can't understand why you're not a couple if you get on ok and can still enjoy each others company. They don't understand the complexity of adult relationships.

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 09/07/2021 12:18

Holiday without dad this time, have a lovely time

Just disagreeing with myself here...don't worry about 'having a lovely time' (I just meant I hope you do).

This will not be a 'normal' holiday. Don't try to make it into one. As adults, we often think that batting away the bad stuff is for the best. Children need the space to feel sad without the pressure of 'but let's have a lovely time!' that adults impose out of love, to try to deliver happiness.

Forget trying to make it 'a lovely holiday' and instead just be there for your DD, and let her take the lead.

Walkingwounded · 09/07/2021 12:22

Don't tell her before. It will make the holiday really confusing and very tense for her.

It's a nice ideal vision, to show her that families can still get on together etc, but the reality over the breakfast buffet is very different. Interaction will feel tense and artificial.

posters on this thread who have lived it advise against. I have been there and although the holiday will be difficult, knowing that the announcement is yet to come, the alternative headfuckery for your dd will be worse.

TwoShades1 · 09/07/2021 12:24

I’m sorry but this just seems really weird to me . I think best plan would be tell her now and have a holiday without ex husband. And maybe he can take a small trip with her individually too (assuming things are amicable, no issues with violence, etc). Or tell her now and all go on the holiday but have ex stay separately in another hotel or another room at the same hotel, then do some activities all together and some individually.