To wait until after our holiday to tell DD parents are separating?

[Applepea1]

Plan was to tell soon and then all go away together at the beginning of the summer holidays. He will then move out shortly after we get back. I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together. But now I wonder if I should let her enjoy the last of term and holiday. He can delay the moving out for a little while, can be a couple of weeks after we get home. She is 9 and very immature. I'm also just terrified of telling her.

I'd be more inclined to tell her before. If you tell her after a week of being a happy family on holiday it's going to be more a shock. It will also give her lots of opportunities to ask questions as she'll be spending so much time with you both.

I would tell her after.

If you tell her after a harmonious holiday won't she think it was a lie? If it's been tense will she think she's at fault?

Also, realistically are you going to be holidaying as a 3 in future? And will you be able to hold it together for the week?

@Yellow85

I’d hate the idea of her thinking the holiday was a big lie. She’s not mature enough to understand the reasons you have for it. I’d think it would be best to tell her beforehand, then ensure each of you get 121 time with her whilst away so she can talk to you both

We had quite a few holidays with both parents after my father had moved out. It was that or no holiday for us (too many children for one car). I’m not going to claim my parents got all things right with their split, but from a child’s point of view the holidays were fine. They never pretended they were getting back together, they were just making sure we got a holiday. It wasn’t confusing for us. Whether you tell her before or after the holiday, I’d consider planning any activities/trips so it’s her plus one parent, while the other has their own time doing something else (then swap over) to introduce her to the new normal, rather than doing everything as one family unit for a week.

@Sandinmyknickers

I would tell her before. If she has a great holiday with her parents, her grief at the thought of that never happening again will be even worse. You can show her that you are still a family and can do family things together, but it's a bit different. Then maybe if she takes it very badly, dad can stick around at home a tad longer as you've said he can delay. Gives her time to get used to it rather than great family holiday and then ripping it all away

This.

"We had quite a few holidays with both parents after my father had moved out."

Yeah. After. That's different

I would tell her before, then still go - show her that you can all still function together but don't make it fake by telling her afterwards. She will think it was all fake.

My DH and his ex went on a trip with their daughter just before they split and she definitely did feel it had been fake/a lie - she still brings it up now to him years later. She was a bit older though, about 16 I think.

Honestly op listen to the posters who have been through this themselves at the same age. Best thing to do is go on holiday with someone else, not together.

Is there a risk that if you tell her now, and there's a while until her dad leaves, that she'll get her hopes up that he'll change his mind?

I think, based on how I think my children would be, I'd tell her after the holiday when the moving out date is close by

Wishing you best of luck with telling her, can't be easy xx

@walkoflifewoohoo

"We had quite a few holidays with both parents after my father had moved out."

Yeah. After. That's different

Sorry, that is what I was trying to say but fluffed it. There’s a massive difference. Pretending everything is fine for a week then dropping a bombshell could be hugely damaging.

I was devastated when my parents told me, I prayed every night for two years that they would get back together, if you tell her and then seem to be having a good time on the holiday she will be watching you every moment in the hope things are going to be ok. If you tell her after then she will find it very hard to believe if she thinks you were all ok on the holiday.
The really best thing for her, would be for you to tell her, him move out and then go on holiday without him.

Don’t make it into a massive drama

If the decision is made then tell her ASAP
Being fake in fromt of her will confuse her more than any honesty

‘We wanted to tell you that daddy is looking for his own house and is hoping to move after our holiday as living together isn’t working for us anymore.
We still both love you and will be there for you no matter what. We will still have our holiday together and celebrate your birthday together because you will always be our priority even if we have separate houses’

It is the new reality.

Be frank, calm and model acceptance.

Children take their lead from the adults around them

I was devastated when my parents told me, I prayed every night for two years that they would get back together, if you tell her and then seem to be having a good time on the holiday she will be watching you every moment in the hope things are going to be ok. If you tell her after then she will find it very hard to believe if she thinks you were all ok on the holiday.
The really best thing for her, would be for you to tell her, him move out and then go on holiday without him

This x 100

The posters who have been through this themselves have mostly said that they would have had the worst holiday of their lives if the parents had told them beforehand that they were separating.

IMO we are often too quick to attribute adult emotions to children. Children often live in the here and now, and if their parents are seemingly together and they are a family then the children will accept that far more than if they’re not together and then pretending to be a family.

Whenever parents tell their children they’re separating there is a risk that those children could think the last few weeks/months were a lie as they were oblivious.

When me and my H separated DS genuinely had no idea as we were mostly on speaking terms and any arguments we had were after he’d gone to bed and they were never shouting screaming matches iyswim. He has since confirmed this since he’s got older.

If we’d gone on holiday after separating though he would maybe not have been confused but would definitely have harboured feelings of us getting back together.

If you can manage to be civil enough to go on holiday and for your DH not to move out straight after you come back I would definitely wait until after the holiday to tell them.

FWIW we lived in the same house for 9 months after splitting because of finances, we had separate bedrooms and did some things with DS separately. We told him about 4 months before we split, when I had my eye on a house to move to. But that’s far different than if we’d been on holiday together and stayed in the same room.

The really best thing for her, would be for you to tell her, him move out and then go on holiday without him

This. Children have a sixth sense for authenticity. This ^ avoids dropping a bombshell after a happy event - I agree this kind of thing can resonate for years - it also avoids seeing your DD's face lighting up on holiday thinking that everything's alright again and of COURSE daddy's not going anywhere.

I really think this is the kindest option for your DD.

I would be worried she’ll think something on the holiday caused the split, if she misbehaves or whatever she will think it’s her fault. Agree with a PP - it sounds like a head fuck.

@WhySoSensitive

Either: Tell her now, don’t take dad on holiday but go without him or with another family member.

Or

Holiday with dad and tell her after.

Do not tell her and then holiday with dad because that will confuse the hell out of her (why would mum and dad holiday together if they aren’t together?)

We have friends that still go on holiday together as a family (parents book separate rooms) and they meet up to spend Christmas Day together for the kids. I think it works lovely for them. So showing the kids you can be together on holiday is great rather than thinking they have to favour the parent they are with, all parents knock the other parent op even if they think they are being kind in front of the kids.

I think the danger is that if you tell her and then go on holiday together she won't believe it's going to happen. Then you'll have to tell her again anyway. I think 9 is young enough to need a concrete illustration of what is happening.

Neither is great if you think your child will be devastated. Can you rethink the separation.

That's pretty negating of her feelings @Herrena. Just because it is not a big deal to the adults involved (and actually divorce usually is) doesnt mean it wont be devastating for the child. Obviously parents staying calm is helpful but that doesnt necessarily mean the kids are going to be ok with it.

We have friends that still go on holiday together as a family (parents book separate rooms) and they meet up to spend Christmas Day together for the kids. I think it works lovely for them. So showing the kids you can be together on holiday is great rather than thinking they have to favour the parent they are with, all parents knock the other parent op even if they think they are being kind in front of the kids

This is a lovely thing to work towards when the emotional dust has settled a little, but not to deliver the news, so to speak - way too confusing for a child.

I was 11 , I would have hated the fake nature of a holiday like that.
I'd tell her and just one of you go on holiday with her.

Tell her beforehand. Make the holiday an honest, nice, first memory, not a fake, last one - if you see what I mean?

OP I have sympathy. This is a really helpful and supportive thread but seems to be a roughly 50 50 split for each option and none of them sound like bad ideas! Hopefully you can decide which will work for your daughter best.