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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wait until after our holiday to tell DD parents are separating?

153 replies

Applepea1 · 09/07/2021 09:57

Plan was to tell soon and then all go away together at the beginning of the summer holidays. He will then move out shortly after we get back. I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together. But now I wonder if I should let her enjoy the last of term and holiday. He can delay the moving out for a little while, can be a couple of weeks after we get home. She is 9 and very immature. I'm also just terrified of telling her.

OP posts:

PurpleOkapi · 09/07/2021 13:49

Realistically, do you think you'll ever be going on a "family holiday" with you, her, and her dad again? Most people don't. If not, I don't see the purpose of using it to illustrate that "families can still function," because her family won't ever function that way again. The truth is bad enough, but giving her false hope about what to expect in the future is worse.

suspiria777 · 09/07/2021 13:52

@BarbarianMum

I think having a lovely holiday all together then telling her you are splitting up would be a bit of a head fuck tbh.

yeah, this. it's like if your boyfriend gets you loads of lovely birthday presents and then dumps you the next day.

butterpuffed · 09/07/2021 13:56

I don't think there's a simple solution to this, unfortunately.

If you tell her beforehand , and the holiday goes well, she may think you've changed your minds about separating, but if you tell her afterwards, it will take the shine off the holiday.

You both know and love her, so I think you will know best how to approach it.

Moonwhite · 09/07/2021 13:56

Most children just aren't mature enough to handle "We, your parents, are splitting up. Now let's go on holiday and have fun!"

Why would she see the holiday as a "lie"? It's a holiday, you're not getting your names tattooed on each other. If she questions it, simply say you tried to reconcile and it didn't work. She's not an adult. Don't put adult problems on her. If you tell her before the holiday, she'll only pick up on the tension and the impending misery. Let her enjoy her holiday.

Moonwhite · 09/07/2021 14:00

Personally I think you should have cancelled the holiday after you decided you were splitting, and blamed it on Covid. Much more simple. But as it is she's expecting a holiday. I wouldn't ruin it. Yes, perhaps the happy memories will be tainted, but at least she would have had a good time at the time.

WhySoSensitive · 09/07/2021 14:04

BeachPicture
I agree, I know many split families who holiday together. None of them holiday together immediately before/during/after the split.

That’s something that takes time IMO.

newnortherner111 · 09/07/2021 14:17

I think now or at least before the holiday, and think perhaps you should cancel the holiday or not go with DH. Putting off bad news is not a good idea.

I am assuming (and hope) that it is that you have grown apart, and he is not violent, abusive, or serially unfaithful.

Original poster

Applepea1 · 09/07/2021 14:20

Thanks for all the replies, it's good reading through them but also confusing... We should have cancelled the holiday but we decided to go and now it can't really be changed. We have separate rooms. Idk, neither way is ideal.

OP posts:

DoubleTweenQueen · 09/07/2021 14:24

I would tell her asap - she will need a great deal of time to process it and go through the range of emotions and loss. If you’re on holiday together, at least she has the relative comfort of having you both there for her, for reassurance and answering questions/figuring out how you would all see your family working with the split of households.

YellowSunshineSky · 09/07/2021 14:26

I was 7 nearly 8 when my parents separated. I wasn't properly told, my mum just took me to live with my new step-dad and step-brother! She just said we were staying there for a while, and then we never went back. I just accepted it, cause kids that age just accept whatever they're told, I didn't feel traumatised or upset, I just saw it as part of life's adventure. Though the way my mum left my dad was awful (she just left him a letter and went).

I would tell her after the holiday. I don't think kids that young are able to take in all that adult complexity and it could be the cause of worry for her. Just go and enjoy a nice holiday and then do it when you get back.

A child that age won't look back at the holiday any differently, they live in the moment.

pinkbubblebath · 09/07/2021 14:27

We were in this situation- as adults so a little different but we (the kids) were told before the holiday and it was just awkward and sad the whole time.

We said we wished that either we had been told and the holiday had been cancelled, or we hadn't known so could have enjoyed the break. As it was, everyone was just miserable

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 09/07/2021 14:28

A child that age won't look back at the holiday any differently, they live in the moment

I'd say your situation and how you dealt with it was extremely unusual.

toocold54 · 09/07/2021 14:31

We have separate rooms. Idk, neither way is ideal.

Could one of you not say you have to work so can’t go and only one of you take her. Else she might think it’s strange you sleeping in separate rooms.
Do not tell her before or during the holiday.

Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat · 09/07/2021 14:32

To be honest, OP, the holiday isn't the centre pearl in all this. It's tempting to 'use' it as a balm either way, but that's a bit of a sticking plaster approach.

Parents separating is going to be one the great hinges in her life - it's a long process, not a single event. You're obviously enormously sensitive to her feelings. Handled with simple but honest explanations, love and stability, with lots of continuity of regular things, she'll be able to thrive.

When my sibling went through this, they didn't do shared holidays for a good while to avoid mixing any messaging and causing confusion on top of upset.

I know you're balancing what everyone's saying: I hope everything goes as well as possible.

pinkbubblebath · 09/07/2021 14:34

@Thekindofwindowsfaceslookinat

To be honest, OP, the holiday isn't the centre pearl in all this. It's tempting to 'use' it as a balm either way, but that's a bit of a sticking plaster approach.

When my sibling went through this, they didn't do shared holidays for a good while to avoid mixing any messaging and causing confusion on top of upset.

I know you're balancing what everyone's saying: I hope everything goes as well as possible.

I agree with this, it's good advice. A nice holiday after being told about a split could give false hope. Best of luck whatever you decide

KurtWilde · 09/07/2021 14:38

I would tell her after the holiday. Let her enjoy it without the thought of her dad moving out hanging over her the entire time.

TwoLeftElbows · 09/07/2021 14:45

@toocold54

We have separate rooms. Idk, neither way is ideal.

Could one of you not say you have to work so can’t go and only one of you take her. Else she might think it’s strange you sleeping in separate rooms.
Do not tell her before or during the holiday.

Sleeping in separate rooms is only as strange as the adults make it. It's always been normal to us since we've been able to afford an extra bedroom. I don't think that will set alarm bells ringing in a child of this age, if it's presented as no big deal. That said this is not the time to start lying to her so however it's presented, it does need to be honest and not undermining of any worries she does have.

nothingnobleaboutstalking · 09/07/2021 14:50

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

Tell her now or she'll look back and think the holiday was 'fake.' I agree with the pp who said holiday without him.

Yep, she'll think it's a happy time, then it will seem fake. My f even said in retrospect the happy times were not happy etc, so all childhood memories were ruined. Was not also thrilled about the f sneaking to phone OW during the holiday (or maybe she was there somewhere else). Who knows, cheating parents with their poor sorry unhappy family times...

gillysSong · 09/07/2021 14:51

cancel the holiday, tell her together, she must know neither of you are happy. Kids aren't stupid.

LowlandLucky · 09/07/2021 14:58

Tell her. Never ever lie to her about her parents separating. Be up front and honest or you will both loose he trust. Tell her now but don't make huge promises you can't keep, tell her you and her Dad will try to stay friends don't tell her you will always be friends.

Dogvmarmot · 09/07/2021 15:06

nothing will be great but if you tell her before the holiday and then are able to have open conversations about it during the holiday - ie you and your to be ex can be amicable and supportive - this may help her see that the future can still be about the three of you still being a family in respect of her. some divorced families still do holidays together. perhaps you will be one of them. I think the key is to communicate with her and for her to see you and your ex communicating respectfully in front of her.

Spaceash · 09/07/2021 15:52

If it was me at 9 I wouldn't want to know until later. I would just spend the holiday worrying about what was to come when we got home. If you want to tell her now I would maybe not take the holiday as a family.

I am not sure at 9 I would be concerned about it being "fake". All kids are different but that seems a more adult concern. Still I can see both sides, it a tough one.

caringcarer · 09/07/2021 15:56

Tell her after. If you tell her before you will ruin her holiday.

FreeBritnee · 09/07/2021 15:59

I would tell when you get back. Let her enjoy the holiday instead of analysing how you are both interacting with each other and worrying about the practicalities of houses/schooling etc.

Blueskytoday06 · 09/07/2021 15:59

Cancel the holiday.

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