To wait until after our holiday to tell DD parents are separating?

[Applepea1]

Plan was to tell soon and then all go away together at the beginning of the summer holidays. He will then move out shortly after we get back. I thought this would show we are still a family and will do things together. But now I wonder if I should let her enjoy the last of term and holiday. He can delay the moving out for a little while, can be a couple of weeks after we get home. She is 9 and very immature. I'm also just terrified of telling her.

No, you weren't. Kids aren't affected by their parents splitting up. Actually, they're usually happier once the OP has kicked the dad out. Children are really resilient and love broken families

How dare you tell someone else how they felt? Fortunately the rest of the bollocks you’ve posted shows exactly what ridiculous it would be to take your views into account.

No easy option. My instinct would be to tell her the truth, together, now, not just before you go. Make it clear you are all going on holiday together because you are both still her family, and you and your soon to be ex are (assuming this is true) "friends and co-parents" now.

I think a wonderful last holiday and then tell her after might lead to trust issues down the line:

• If she thinks the decision to split only happened after the holiday then she will find that hard to deal with - how could it all be so lovely and then fall apart just after. It could affect her future comfort and trust in her own future relationships, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

• If she thinks you kept it from her, then it feels like a trick, and fake, and might be harder to trust you both in the future. Friends whose parents hid things like this had a hard time trusting afterwards.

If you all go together as friends and coparents I think you need to expect questions to come up over the holiday and you need to have a consistent message plus lots of reassurance. Will it be the last ever joint holiday or can you see your way to spending some hols, birthdays etc together? If so, that might reassure her and show her how things will work going forwards.

Haven't experienced this directly but have a few friends who co-parent very amicably and still do some holidays together, family meals together, help organise a birthday party for their ex etc. So it can be done, if it's an amicable split between two non-abusive partners, and there's no imbalance (i.e. one of the partners isn't holding out for reconciliation).

Meant to add - make sure you have separate bedrooms, or if you can't afford that, at least separate beds. Seeing her parents sharing a bed when she knows they're splitting up would definitely mess with her head. Also like PP's idea of doing some activities 121 separately with her, to help ease the transition.

Any chance you can swap the holiday for one a few weeks later? PPs are all right, it's a headfuck with the bombshell and the holiday happening together, either way round.

I don't think it'll paint a picture that family life will go on successfully, it'll confuse her. Put more time between the moving out and the holiday, and then you can make the holiday work and mess less with her head whether he joins you or not. Children's brains don't work like adult ones, their sense of time is not the same as ours and gapping it by a few extra weeks will make a big difference.

My family took me on holiday shortly after telling me they were splitting. I had a great time and felt loved by both. Like it didn't matter they were splitting I still had two parents.

But I was an emotionally resilient child and was absolutely thrilled they were splitting up (they fought a lot and I had to pick up the pieces). I think a holiday is a great place to work through complicated emptions, the change in scene frees you from your usual thought patterns. Children talk deepest when they're distracted and engaged and holidays are distracting.

Please don’t tell her before, I know some families still come together after separation but as a child of divorce this was very confusing and I wanted a clean break. It is also hard to keep up with if either of you move on. Tell her afterwards she won’t think the holiday was fake she will just think that you were being grown ups and amicable

If you're definitely going on the holiday and can both be very grown up about it then I would tell her afterwards, but not immediately afterwards.
She's 8, she deserves a fun holiday, not to be upset and worried about her parents.
She will be upset by this news but at 8, if there's no hint that you'd already made this decision, I don't see why she'd think the holiday was a lie. Older children yes, but not at 8.

@Blossomtoes

No, you weren't. Kids aren't affected by their parents splitting up. Actually, they're usually happier once the OP has kicked the dad out. Children are really resilient and love broken families

How dare you tell someone else how they felt? Fortunately the rest of the bollocks you’ve posted shows exactly what ridiculous it would be to take your views into account.

@blossomtoes You've misunderstood my post. The usual MN relationships line is that kids are absolutely fine with their parents breaking up and are usually happier afterwards. Of course, it's total bullshit. it's a traumatic life event.

I've just reread your first post, OP. I would really try not to worry about 'nice last week of term' and 'nice holiday' as those things are really more for adults to convince themselves that they're softening the blow of bad news.

It's awful to have to deliver sad news to your DD - we never want to have to do it as loving parents. The way you do this will resonate for a long time.

Tell your DD before, because children need kind, solid, loving honesty and go on holiday without dad. If dad's there, but then you spilt up, then your DD will be searching for things that went wrong On Holiday, maybe even something SHE did wrong.

Kids cannot be expected to understand the nuances of adult emotional relationships. It's a tougher call for you now, but perhaps try to reframe the holiday as a healing, reeling time for you to be with your DD, rather than 'the last holiday together.'

Good luck OP

The excitement of the holiday may help to reduce the impact. It will also show her that you are still a family that can enjoy things together.

Telling her after can get her confused with post holiday blues and make her feel cheated. She might feel that she had the last time together without even knowing it was the last time.

Children - even at this age, can take things in their stride much better than we expect - unless thete is too much lying and cover up “for the better” which is anything but.
Mature or immature give her facts and follow up with love.

Sorry @thedancingbear, my irony detector’s obviously on the blink today.

I vote afterwards too. It will be all she can think about otherwise and could become a campaign to change your decision. At least as you say, this will be a concrete example of how little things need to change for the worst.

I would tell before, have a great time with her and hopefully it will help her settle.

I think that
a) you should tell her
b) he should move out
c) you should go on holiday without him but facilitate access as frequently as suits you both/agreeable in the interim and for the future.

I haven't been in this situation but I don't think it is fair to essentially pretend everything is okay and then drop a bombshell on her as you come back from holiday.

I have a friend who has been having relationship problems for a few years. She's had a health scare recently which put her off taking steps to separate, and now her 'D'P is waiting investigation of some tests. In the years I have known her I have never met him, but she, and her child do not seem terribly happy much of the time. She told me that her child has said to her on many occasions, "You and Daddy don't really get on do you" and her response has been, "No, but that's the way it is for lots of people."
Despite me saying so several times, kindly, she doesn't seem to see the damage it is doing to her and to the child. Far better to accept that things have run their course, make a clean break and get on with things in a better setting.

Is she still at school? I would tell her while she still has access to support from teachers and friends, and normal life distractions. It might feel like the end of the world, and it might help to talk to her friends who also have divorced parents. If she's isolated over half term with no distractions that might be more difficult to process.

Do you have to go on holiday together? Is his move out date confirmed? There are so many variables and no easy answers.

I asked my DP, whose parents also separated when he was 9/10, and he said he would have preferred to find out after the holiday.

I wouldnt tell her. Talk about mixed messaging - you're splitting up, but playing happy families on holiday? It would be torture. She'd either know it was fake, and then never trust you again. Or think it was real and not understand why you're splitting up.

Who are you protecting? Be honest

At 9 she'll be aware something is going on. I was before my parents 'announcement' when I was 8. I would tell her now.

If you tell her beforehand is she likely to spend the whole holiday trying to get you back together? That won't be good for any of you.

How many of her classmates parents have split up? IME Yrs 1-3 see a lot of marriages break up so the experiences of other kids will play a big part in how she reacts. She may see it as getting twice as many birthdays/Xmases/holidays etc. Or she may worry about not seeing her dad very often.

Tell her after. I’ve been in this situation and it’s horrible - I didn’t realise quite how horrible it would be. I’d tell her after the holiday, for sure, and not immediately after either. Separate it from the holiday by a few weeks if you possibly can.

This will not be a 'normal' holiday. Don't try to make it into one. As adults, we often think that batting away the bad stuff is for the best. Children need the space to feel sad without the pressure of 'but let's have a lovely time!' that adults impose out of love, to try to deliver happiness. Forget trying to make it 'a lovely holiday' and instead just be there for your DD, and let her take the lead

Good advice. I also agree with @TwoShades1 that it would be better if your DH just joined you for a bit of the holiday. A fake happy families holiday will be a mind-fuck for her, whether you tell her before or afterwards.

Tell her afterwards.

A 9 year old cannot ‘look on the bright side’. Please don’t ruin her holiday after such a crappy year and knowing she has bad news to come.
Tell her after the holiday. But have him come round for tea and pick her up from school as often as possible if you want to show her that she’s not missing out on anything. Don’t use the holiday as an example of it.

and not immediately after either. Separate it from the holiday by a few weeks if you possibly can.

I agree. Let her enjoy the memory of the holiday as much as possible before you drop the bombshell.
A 9 year old is going to take it hard no matter how well you co-parent.

@BreatheAndFocus

Tell her after. I’ve been in this situation and it’s horrible - I didn’t realise quite how horrible it would be. I’d tell her after the holiday, for sure, and not immediately after either. Separate it from the holiday by a few weeks if you possibly can.

I completely agree.

If its an amicable split you can still have family time together. It gives DD time to get used to the situation.

I would of hated going to school knowing that my parents were separating. I would of wanted to find out in the school holidays so that I could get used to the situation away from everyone.

DH and I split when the kids were very young and we still go away together for a week each year.

DS has ASD so for us as a family this works but understand its different for everyone.

Her parents separating is going to be devastating.

You can't go on holiday together as a family if you're separated. That's going to confuse her completely and creates a very understandable expectation that you are not splitting up or getting back together.

Tell her now and then go on holiday without your husband to give her lots of time and focus.