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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unequal finances

286 replies

Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 22:52

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

OP posts:
mobear · 09/07/2021 07:01

YANBU. If your DP wants more disposable income he should work towards earning more.

You’re already doing enough paying for holidays and overpaying the mortgage, etc.

I say this from the other side, my DP earns 10x what I earn and we split everything 50/50 for many years before DC arrived. During that time I nearly doubled my salary. I’m not sure I would have been as motivated if someone was subsidising my income.

Saltyslug · 09/07/2021 07:06

The only exception to my idea would be if putting 50/50 in (solely pre kids/marriage/long term commitment) would leave the lower earner strapped for cash. In this case a 1k/2k split sounds like a good compromise

Is his income about 1600 per month after tax?

The other thing is that you’ll be taxed more then dp so work it out with cash received into your accounts

PropertyFlipper · 09/07/2021 07:08

Why isn’t he working full time? It seems a significant difference between you. Why isn’t he earning more?

Saltyslug · 09/07/2021 07:08

Stick with your decision, it’s very kind and he can earn more if he desires

Cantbebotheredtothinkofaname · 09/07/2021 07:10

My DH and I have a massive gap in earnings, I have always earned more and now earn more than twice what DH does. We share everything now because we have DC, but before we started trying for DC, we paid for bills etc equally, it was my DH’s choice to work in a less stressful job with little career prospects therefore neither of us felt it was fair for me to pay for him! Around the time we decided to start trying for DC I got a big promotion at work and decided to pool our incomes simply because otherwise we’d have completely different lifestyles. It’s been fine and works well for us. No way would I be overpaying a mortgage though.

Twilightstarbright · 09/07/2021 07:11

We had the same financial split, although we didn’t buy until we owned a house.

We did proportion of salaries for rent so I paid £500, he paid £1500. Same for bills.

DH paid for big holidays from his money.

Now it’s just communal as I’m a SAHM and we moved abroad to facilitate his job.

I always worked full time until mat leave though, and my pay rose from 25k when we met to 38k 5 years later.

Mummadeze · 09/07/2021 07:11

I am in a similar-ish situation. I earn 62k however and my partner earns £17k ish but it varies depending on how many shifts he gets each week. He works in a bar. I pay for everything but he gives me £150 a week as a contribution. I actually asked him for £120 but he offered a bit more. I still have a lot more disposable income than him but I don’t see that as unfair because I have worked hard and been very dedicated to my career where as he has walked out of lots of jobs and done about a million training courses and has never committed to anything. I don’t blame him but I don’t want to completely subsidise him either as I would prefer him to have an incentive to find a career path that is right for him. I think you are asking for a bit too much in proportion to your partner’s salary however as you clearly don’t need that much of a contribution from them. I would personally ask for no more than 50% Ie. £750 per month but £500 would be kinder.

PropertyFlipper · 09/07/2021 07:13

@choli

I'd look for someone more on my level in most aspects.
Exactly what I would suggest.
SpeakingFranglais · 09/07/2021 07:15

@Itsraimy

No DCs but yes, my job is massively more stressful. Partners job is a 4 day a week 9-5.
Then he does the lions share of the home work.

You pat the lions share of the bills.

Hallyup6 · 09/07/2021 07:17

You sound selfish.

He should run far, far away from you.

bigbaggyeyes · 09/07/2021 07:23

I think it depends on who pays for things over and above the bills.

If you pay for all holidays, days out and luxuries then I think the split you suggested is fine, if he's expected to pay 20% of holidays, days out etc then you should pay 80% of all bills.

But... he also only works 4 days a week. I presume this is by choice? I think I'd be telling him that you'll pay the correct % when he works full time. It sounds like he is enjoying pt hours because you're a higher earner

Meggymoo777 · 09/07/2021 07:25

I don't think this is fair at all to be honest... if you own the house 50/50 then presumably if you were to split then they would get 50% of the house... therefore they should be contributing 50% of the mortgage. Same with all bills, shopping etc - they are consuming half of these costs so should therefore pay 50%. If your DP can't afford 50% of these costs then he/she shouldn't have agreed to this house/lifestyle or needs to increase their earning potential. Why are they only working 4 days a week?

I would not be happy floating a 'D'P in this way having been career orientated, working to get up the ladder and then having a more stressful, 5 day job.

If it comes to a point where you marry and have DC then yes, pooling income can make sense. But as it stands, I think you're being over generous paying 2/3 of all of these bills.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 09/07/2021 07:25

Why isnt the partner working full time?

megamoomin72 · 09/07/2021 07:32

I think the problem is that your household outgoings are quite large. On 1.5k take home per month, I wouldn’t have dreamed of spending 1k on rent and bills per month. If your standard of living matches your salary but not DPs, I would say YABU.

That said, why isn’t your DP working 5 days if you don’t have DC? Confused

3Britnee · 09/07/2021 07:35

@Itsraimy

Both salaries are gross. So my take home is about 4.6k after pension. Theirs is 1.5k after pension.
How are they supposed to pay their other bills and have money to live if they only have 500 left?

Just split up and get with someone you are happy to share with.

Dashel · 09/07/2021 07:51

I think regardless of how you split the bills, they are two things I would think about, firstly why they are only working a four day week and if they are using the time productively as for studying or doing all the housework, life admin etc or just chilling, this would effect how I would split the bills.

I would also stop overpaying the mortgage until you were married or had dc and would put the savings in a S&S isa in your name. That way if you split you aren’t giving them half.

Snowpaw · 09/07/2021 07:53

As others have said, it seems like he’s living a lifestyle outside of his means. You’re not unreasonable for wanting a good lifestyle / home on your level of pay, but I guess you either find someone who is at a similar level to you financially to be able to share it more equally, or you accept that you will be subsiding his lifestyle for the foreseeable. Or you downgrade your home and and move into somewhere he can afford half of, if financial equality is important to you. Personally I think it’s a rough deal for you - presumably you have worked very hard to get where you are and he hasn’t had to do that, but gets the lifestyle that comes with it and potentially half of the house if you split. It’s easy to think “there’s more to life than careers” if you are living in a nice house with regular holidays provided for you and don’t have to worry about money because of your partner’s hard work!

OhEff · 09/07/2021 07:56

You're adults with no joint financial responsibilities except household bills. Those bills should be split 50:50 UNLESS you as a higher earner, refused to live in a place the lower earner could afford half of. Then you pay the difference.

That's my view. I would never expect a higher earning partner to subsidize my pursuit of a less profitable career and I wouldn't support a lesser earner. Up to the point when career sacrifices are made for childcare purposes then I would take the MN favourite of 'family money'.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/07/2021 08:04

@Bizawit had a good idea about spitting as if he (have we established it’s a he?) worked 5 days a week - so as a proportion of the full time salary. But I think that’s with him also picking up the lions share of housework, as you’d still be effectively subbing his choices.

It does make a bit of a difference if it’s a he or she, in a way, as a male partner hasn’t had to contend with the gender pay gap, fewer opportunities etc. So we’d know that wasn’t part of the picture. I dont really like threads that are left gender neutral as it always makes A difference, even if it’s a small one.

camouflagejacket · 09/07/2021 08:05

The bank presumably lent you 3x your JOINT salary. Ie they weighted your salary as 4/5 of the deal. Not 2/3. Been in a similar situation and higher earner paid ALL the mortgage and then we spilt on the bills and holidays. Higher earner also had a nicer car.
I bet you feel dead generous buying all the expensive treats though, don't you? Man up!

MiddlesexGirl · 09/07/2021 08:18

I've only read the first two pages which have been pretty much 50:50 in whether yabu or not, but there's a very clear solution here that may have been mentioned already and that's to split the difference in opinion.
So instead of £2K/£1K or £2.4K/£600
make it £2.2K/£800.

Paq · 09/07/2021 08:20

Then he does the lions share of the home work.

No, they don't.OP has a cleaner and does most of the cooking because they enjoy it.

AmandaHugenkiss · 09/07/2021 08:20

[quote Itsraimy]@TheFoundations I’m fine with my partner not wanting a stressful job and thinking there is more to life.

I’m fine with paying 2/3 of our household outgoings and paying for holidays and overpaying our mortgage.

I’m just not sure I’m fine with paying almost all of our monthly outgoings. Clearly I’ve split opinion.[/quote]
I think it should be a true ratio based on salary earnings. That’s the fair way of doing it. You have bought a house with your partner, you are committed, and if this was a woman on a lower wage Mumsnet would be bloody outraged the split wasn’t fair. These are essential household expenses and you knew his wage when you committed to buying with him.

But then, I’d suggest that you maybe think about a 50/50 on luxuries. He shouldn’t expect you to subsidise him for luxury holidays unless you desperately want something fancier than he can afford and you are willing to pay.

Myself and my partner both think there is more to life than work, but accept that if we take a lower paying job for work/life balance, you have to accept your “optional” lifestyle (luxuries) has to be adjusted accordingly.

FindingMeno · 09/07/2021 08:20

If you are serious about the longevity of the relationship you need to stop thinking as a me and start thinking as an us.

InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest · 09/07/2021 08:26

You went down a path that allowed you to earn more than them. You deserve to have more disposable income IMO. YANBU.

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