Unequal finances

[Itsraimy]

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

This thread makes me sad.

Your monthly outgoings are significantly higher than what most people earning what your partner earns would pay. This is obviously due to your higher salary.

When you bought your house, did you consider that you should buy a smaller/cheaper house to accommodate their salary? Or did you want what you could afford and then expect your partner to stretch themselves to afford it?

YABU

You should be taking home around £ 5,117.14 with a 20% pension payment

I voted YABU until you said you were overpaying the mortgage and paid for all holidays etc as well.

If he took on the lions share of stuff at home, garden, life admin I think that would be different or if he was primary carer for DC but tbh I’m not sure that you should be paying more given that he doesn’t.

He could pick up another day of work , it’s lovely yo be chilled etc but not if its at the expense of someone else. If he’s happy not worrying about earning much then he’ll be fine with less disposable income.

I think you are being pretty generous already tbh.

Does his work have the option of 5 days a week?

@InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest

You went down a path that allowed you to earn more than them. You deserve to have more disposable income IMO. YANBU.

Would you say this if the sexes were swapped?

Wife works as a nurse, ft, earns 30k
Husband works as a human rights lawyer, ft, earns 120k
No kids

Should he squirrel away the masses extra he earns?

@PizzaCrust

This isn’t fair at all, unless they’re choosing to work part time for no reason or something.

IMO you add your salaries together, deduct bills and savings then split the rest down the middle.

They aren't married. Why should she pay him even more to be her boyfriend?

He chooses to work part time, gets a better standard of life than his salary could afford, is living in a home he couldn't afford to pay for - which he will get far more out of than he put in should they split, eating food he would struggle to pay for over and above the rent, holidays, clothing etc etc.

@Itsraimy your problem is that your financial arrangement and his expectations of you have started to niggle. You may well have been fine with it up until now but his attitude, that it's unfair for him to pay so much, and your perception, that you don't want to be paying for everything, aren't being met with a compromise that works for both of you.

You need to talk about this fully and frankly or it will snowball leaving you both feeling resentful.

This relationship is pretty financially unequal and without marriage/kids there is no reason for the OP to make it more equal and sub their partner. Normally you would expect another adult who isn't a dependent to pay 50:50, split housework 50:50 and pay for extras equally.

I think it's almost fair but it does feel like most of the expenses will be based on the fact that you earn a lot and therefore out of your partner's hands a bit. Apologies if this has been covered, but as the mortgage will be the bulk of it and based on earnings, can you split mortgage, council tax and food (because chances are you don't buy groceries frugally because of your income) according to salary and then split utility bills 50/50?

The ‘regular household expenses’ don’t matter. He chose to earn less and you know it - and you won’t be happy living a lifestyle he can afford. So you will be stuck paying for any extras and the cost of your joint lifestyle (such as lions share of rent for a bigger place, holidays ) forever. Why should he do ‘extras around the house’ just to make up for you being a higher earner when you knew what he was like and still chose to date him?
Unless he’s spending his personal money on personal things he wouldn’t be able to afford without meeting you (like luxury clothes and expensive alcohol) I wouldn’t say they’re taking advantage. Even if they put in extra £400 they still ask you for money as you say you pay for extras so you’re making it up either way aren’t you?
Unequal relationships don’t last unless there are children or the lower earner does a great deal for the higher earner for this very reason.
Attitude to earning is a very important value (as is religion and wanting children) and is a potential dealbreaker.

I've been in your shoes, realised they could never match my earnings etc no matter how much effort they into their career.

It was either drop the chump and find someone else or throw my lot in and consider everything we did moving forward to be a joint enterprise.

You've bought a house together and you're still unsure how to pay for everything between the pair of you?

My advice to you would be to not be completely transparent about your earnings and stick away @ 10% every month as your personal shit happens fund.

Everything else to my mind you're at the point where you should both be coming out with the same amount of "spare" cash, you've got 6k coming in, £3k going out, save 1k a month/overpay the mortgage jointly and have 1k each a month as jollies money (upping or reducing the savings amount to suit your particular lifestyles). Regarding it still as your money and their money always causes resentments.
Just be happy together and accept that your footing much more of the bill

@minatrina

This thread makes me sad.

Your monthly outgoings are significantly higher than what most people earning what your partner earns would pay. This is obviously due to your higher salary.

When you bought your house, did you consider that you should buy a smaller/cheaper house to accommodate their salary? Or did you want what you could afford and then expect your partner to stretch themselves to afford it?

YABU

This is an extremely good point.

DP and I earn approximately the same, so when we bought we agreed a 50/50 split on ownership and mortgage payments. After a previous failed relationship that got messy, if I was earning 3 times his salary and overpaying the mortgage, I think I would have suggested a 75/25 ownership split with a legal contract.

[quote Itsraimy]@Stompythedinosaur I defs don’t live a ‘superior lifestyle’ to my partner. I pay for all the nice holidays and anything they want TBH, I also overpay our mortgage frequently and we own the house 50:50.[/quote]
If you've a mortgage together that suggests to me that you're very committed. In which case I would do whatever I planned to do if I married and had kids with them. In my case that is paying % according to income. I did self fund my maternity recently though and carried on paying my % so presently our % is adjusted a little lower to what I'm earning (which would suggest a higher %) to make up for that.

I think what is throwing the issue here - and probably some folks responses is your compartmentalisation if things. If you look at EVERYTHING REQUIRED to be your household - e.g. utilities, council tax, mortgage, food, insurance etc. Depending on your relationship this could be split in many ways. If you are essentially housemates then it should be 50:50, if you are life partners then it should reflect your comparative earnings (although you might want to look at what I'd earnings would be if he worked full time as that would seem fair).

If he cannot afford this split or does not want to pay that much then you should look at the house and change the way you pay the mortgage AND how the house is owned to reflect payments. (And should anyway if you are overpaying or you should find another investment).

I see luxuries as separate - holidays, meals out, trips, coffee on route to work. You each do what you can afford - if you want to sub him then do but you shouldn't feel obliged given your relationship position.

It feels to me like you are putting massively over the odds into this relationship financially and are not feeling that he is contributing fairly. You need to resolve that as it will tear you apart with the resentment. And you need to do that before marriage or kids become involved.

So no YANBU but I can see why it is causing issues. I would resolve by paying proportionally for household bills BUT would rejig the house equity/mortgage so your partner has a bit more cash available.

I also agree with another poster that given your outgoings are 3k (more than ours and our household income is higher) and given how low your partner's income is, it seems clear your outgoings match your income more than his. If he were with someone else on the same income as him, he couldn't afford 3k outgoings easily. So that does play a part in what you should pay I think.

Like all high earners with lower income partners, you make a choice. You either pay halves or less than a fair % and live your life at lower means than you can afford- or having nice things yourself and seeing the person you love having less - or you go all in and both share in the lifestyle.

I think if you were male it probably wouldn't be a question of you keeping loads more. In fact many people may be saying joint pot and same spends whereas even paying a fair % you're left with alot more spends (that gives you more because you earn more, but also doesn't leave your partner too scretched paying bills outside their means)

This is going to be unpopular because most members on here will be in your husbands situation and be the lower earner so will see it from a totally different perspective..... I earn 3x what my DH does (although not £100k - I wish!) - we split all household bills 50/50 but I pay the childcare bill which with twins and an older child is £1600 a month

I worked very very hard 2 degrees post graduate qualifications and professional accreditation's - my job is challenging and high pressured....I worked hard to get where I am.....he didn't. I don't subsidise my husbands "beer money" . We each have our own spending money but obviously mine is more. But I do pay for the big things like holidays and home repairs.

What's fair is up to you? I don't think it's fair I should work my ass off to top his spending money up to the same level as mine 🤷‍♀️

Obviously there is a significantly higher disparity in income in your situation and I can't say with all honesty whether I would be as strict in equal division of bills as I am at my current salary level

I would write down the extras you have paid for over the years:

Holidays
Mortgage overpayments
Other house purchases and things of note

Divide it by the number of months that time covers and demonstrate how much you are truly paying per month on joint bills/costs/activities versus them.

They have a low level stress 4 day a week and happy to have you support them but thinks you shouldn't enjoy your hard work even though you aren't married and don't have DC??

You own a house 50/50, regularly overpay the mortgage, and are not married.
You're already gifting your partner tons of free money and equity, so why are you bickering over £400 a month? Either of you? This makes no sense.
Why didnt you discuss splits or anything when you bought a house? (How do competent adults get to a point they're earning £100k but seemingly dont have enough financial literacy or understanding to have these conversations prior to making such large purchases and financial commitments together?)

@minatrina

This thread makes me sad.

Your monthly outgoings are significantly higher than what most people earning what your partner earns would pay. This is obviously due to your higher salary.

When you bought your house, did you consider that you should buy a smaller/cheaper house to accommodate their salary? Or did you want what you could afford and then expect your partner to stretch themselves to afford it?

YABU

100% agree with this. This should have been sorted/discussed when you were buying a house together (and maybe % reflected in shares and monthly payments if you were unwilling to compromise on flashy house). Now it is messy

If your partner isn't motivated to improve their employment to earn more than surely he or she shouldn't benefit from your hard work with fancy holidays? It seems to me they do like those things, but just don't want to work to pay for it. It also seems that your partner does have the ability to earn more but just doesn't. This whole there is more to life nonsense - it reads like, I want to relax and enjoy the fruits of your labour as the fruits of my labour don't pay enough to enjoy life.

@Itsraimy

We’re both a similar age (30s) I have just been very career motivated and partner is just very chilled and thinks there is more to life than working 😂 I actually love this about them but it is causing some tension

That's a lovely attitude but it comes with less money!

Why are you being coy about your sexes? It's so irritating.

Two of my adult kids are the higher earners in their relationships and having seen how hard they have worked to get their careers I wouldn’t discourage them from not splitting their money evenly with their partners. Their partners chose not to work so hard. I don’t see why my kids should be subsidizing them. (Obviously I NEVER say this out loud 😅). I know some people can’t ever end up in high paid jobs due to lots of reasons but for many they made active choices not to dedicate themselves to studying etc.
BTW before anyone slates me for this opinion you should know I am in the group of people who have chose NOT to dedicate my younger years to getting a high paid career.

Threads like this annoy me

The other way round and there is pretty much consensus. Either all one pot or pay in proportion. Anything less is considered unfair and possibly abusive. It’s always like that

Then a higher earning woman posts and it shifts. There a more even split with a fair proportion of posters saying it’s fine to not be in proportion, or even that 50-50 is ok

One poster even said to split up with the “chump” as hell never earn te same. That would be roundly condemned the other way round.

Op. Split in proportion. Don’t be a dick

@ivfgottwins

This is going to be unpopular because most members on here will be in your husbands situation and be the lower earner so will see it from a totally different perspective..... I earn 3x what my DH does (although not £100k - I wish!) - we split all household bills 50/50 but I pay the childcare bill which with twins and an older child is £1600 a month

I worked very very hard 2 degrees post graduate qualifications and professional accreditation's - my job is challenging and high pressured....I worked hard to get where I am.....he didn't. I don't subsidise my husbands "beer money" . We each have our own spending money but obviously mine is more. But I do pay for the big things like holidays and home repairs.

What's fair is up to you? I don't think it's fair I should work my ass off to top his spending money up to the same level as mine 🤷‍♀️

Obviously there is a significantly higher disparity in income in your situation and I can't say with all honesty whether I would be as strict in equal division of bills as I am at my current salary level

The interesting thing though is what counts as ‘personal’ money in a relationship? There’s obvious things like clothes, gadgets etc. But for me and DP the majority of what counts as ‘personal’ expenses are joint. Like meals and drinks out. What would a higher earner do with that much extra money that didn’t involve their partner? Even if they saved it in their later years they’d still have to share (if partner didn’t save) wouldn’t they?

In the OP’s case it’s irrelevant because they’re a) not married and b) she pays for extras anyway, the annoyance over £400 is odd

@EveryoneIsThere

Two of my adult kids are the higher earners in their relationships and having seen how hard they have worked to get their careers I wouldn’t discourage them from not splitting their money evenly with their partners. Their partners chose not to work so hard. I don’t see why my kids should be subsidizing them. (Obviously I NEVER say this out loud 😅). I know some people can’t ever end up in high paid jobs due to lots of reasons but for many they made active choices not to dedicate themselves to studying etc. BTW before anyone slates me for this opinion you should know I am in the group of people who have chose NOT to dedicate my younger years to getting a high paid career.

You’d really say it’s ok for a higher earning man to make their lower earning female partner pay half?