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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unequal finances

286 replies

Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 22:52

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

OP posts:
singlehun · 08/07/2021 23:19

Tricky without knowing why there's such a disparity.

I once lived with a much older guy. My career was on a good path but I earned a lot less because I was younger. I found it unfair that I paid 50% rent when I earned so much less and it was out of my control.

I think though, if your DP is deliberately working 4 days a week and not working to advance his career then why should he enjoy the luxury of lots of spare money that you've worked hard to earn.

Casmama · 08/07/2021 23:19

You should calculate spending based on percentage of take home so he should pay about 25% or £750 and you should pay rh rest. If he wants to reduce costs then could do the cleaning on a day he's not working and take the cost of that off his contribution.

ThisIsIt20 · 08/07/2021 23:20

My wife and I have a similar set up.
I earn a lot more than her (3 x as much as her approx).
I do pay a lot more towards the house, any work done in the house, holidays etc plus I do pay most of the time if we go for meals etc.
We both work 4 days a week.
However, she does more DIY in the house. We both cook the same amount.

I was wondering the same about what others do, and thought about starting a thread after I read another thread on here tonight.

LondonGrimmer · 08/07/2021 23:21

Hmm... OP has only written DP or "they" as far as I can see. So we've no idea if OP is male or female, or the dp is male or female... But I think some posters are assuming OP is female and the dp is male...

Menora · 08/07/2021 23:22

The issue with leaving your partner with a lot less money is always the same, if you split you would have great pension, savings and continued income and the other person would likely have no savings and maybe have difficulty finding housing.

Regardless of whether male or female the partner is disadvantaged if you can save £1k a month and have £1k to spend, they can’t do that they have £500.

The middle ground really is that if you resent paying more of a split of bills then perhaps this isn’t the right RS for you, and you need to meet someone more equal earnings.

It’s not your partners fault your earn 4x what they do, and it’s not your fault they don’t earn more. They could earn more but not that many people earn the money you do (ave wage is £29-32?? I think) and you must have known that when you met them.

This ultimately comes down to whether the other person is taking you for a ride, if they not working very hard and sponging off you or if it’s genuinely just their earning capacity is much less than you, it’s got to be fair.

Personally I would go for £750 of their wages - so 50% is fairer than 67%
And you aren’t paying 50% of your wages so why should they?

DocDog · 08/07/2021 23:22

Why does he only work 4 days?

How many hours a week do you each work?

Casmama · 08/07/2021 23:22

If you are committed to the long term, which a joint mortgage would indicate, then actually I think that you should have equal spending money but perhaps it would be fair that the cost of the cleaner comes out of his as a part time worker would generally do more housework than the full time worker in the stressful job

Jumpingintosummer · 08/07/2021 23:23

A 75/25% split seems fairest.

Original poster
Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 23:24

We’re both a similar age (30s) I have just been very career motivated and partner is just very chilled and thinks there is more to life than working 😂 I actually love this about them but it is causing some tension

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 08/07/2021 23:24

@Menora

That doesn’t seem fair that you keep £2.6k and they keep £500 Confused
Why on earth not? She earns it and they're not married.
Menora · 08/07/2021 23:25

Look at this way OP

You pay 43.5% of your wages to bills
Your partner pays 67%

That is not fair

redandwhite1 · 08/07/2021 23:25

My husband earns a bit more than me so everything is split 55/45

HollowTalk · 08/07/2021 23:25

You only take home 4.6 and you earn 100K?

Menora · 08/07/2021 23:27

@HollowTalk

They aren’t even paying 50/50
It isn’t fair

Original poster
Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 23:27

@HollowTalk yes, my pension contribution is 20% of salary and the joy of tax

OP posts:
Saidtoomuch · 08/07/2021 23:28

You are only living together, not married. Your partner can't expect you to sub them if they are working far less hours, unless they are working less hours to study for a qualification. If it was my daughter, and as long as children weren't involved, I would be telling her to split 50/50 with her partner. However if higher earning partner want to live somewhere more expensive, then it is only fair that they chip in to cover the extra.

HollowTalk · 08/07/2021 23:29

So does he think you should pay the full 3K per month?

You subsidise a lazy man, OP. You are overpaying a mortgage and if you split up you are literally giving him money.

It's not the difference in income, it's the fact he likes to do very little and is very happy for you to fund him.

I can't stress it enough - protect yourself financially. Your extra mortgage contributions should be noted as yours alone. You shouldn't be making it easy for him to do nothing and still live a wealthy lifestyle.

HollowTalk · 08/07/2021 23:30

Why doesn't he work 5 days a week?

Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2021 23:30

YABU. You are a high earner. Either go out with another one or accept that you will have to subsidise a lower earning one.

I can’t fathom being ok with having 5X more disposable income than someone I share my life with.

You own a house together. You obviously have a life planned. What’s the big deal?

Pool your money, split the excess. If you aren’t willing to do that what’s the point?

Doyoumind · 08/07/2021 23:31

Can your partner even afford a pension beyond the absolute minimum while you are putting 20% of your significant salary in yours each month?

Doyoumind · 08/07/2021 23:32

People still seem to have assumed the partner is man based on nothing.

TheFoundations · 08/07/2021 23:34

@Itsraimy

We’re both a similar age (30s) I have just been very career motivated and partner is just very chilled and thinks there is more to life than working 😂 I actually love this about them but it is causing some tension
'I love this part of your personality but I insist that you can't stay like that and have a relationship with me.'
Merryoldgoat · 08/07/2021 23:35

@Doyoumind

My answer would be the same whether male or female.

Once you have a home you own together your life is shared and one party shouldn’t be significantly better off than the other.

If you don’t want to share finances don’t buy a house together, don’t live together, don’t get married.

Original poster
Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 23:38

@TheFoundations I’m fine with my partner not wanting a stressful job and thinking there is more to life.

I’m fine with paying 2/3 of our household outgoings and paying for holidays and overpaying our mortgage.

I’m just not sure I’m fine with paying almost all of our monthly outgoings. Clearly I’ve split opinion.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 08/07/2021 23:38

As I said earlier, I don't understand how they can own a house 50:50 without having discussed and agreed on hiww finances are split.