Unequal finances

[Itsraimy]

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

@Itsraimy

Hi all,

Thank you for all your feedback. Thought I’d update with the questions asked;

Our 3k household outgoings cover
Mortgage 1k
Bills about 350
Food about 250
Joint savings 500
Petrol (I bought our cars outright) 100
Leisure 500 (split evenly, both of us take 250 from this and put in our ‘personal accounts)
200 ish - dental insurance/house insurance/pets insurance (we have a dog who is calamitous and who’s premium is high)

On top of this, I pay for our holidays. The house is owned 50:50. I also regularly overpay our mortgage when I get bonus etc. Probs to the tune of about 5k per year overpayment.

Both of us are female for those asking on gender.

Partner works 4 days as they like to have time to work on their hobby. Fair enough and this might provide a side income in time.

So if your partner is contributing £1000, but really getting £250 of that straight back and saving a further £250 so really only paying £500 a month for car, housing, pet and holidays and food? Bargain I would say.

I think the real issue is whether you are both in this for the long term. When you are ready to fully commit it should be shared, if you aren’t then I would stop putting any more into joint savings and overpayments on the mortgage and keep savings out of it and then your partner pays her £500 but draws no spending money out of the joint point and the joint savings stay at their current balance until they are spent.

She must have a lot of spending money anyway if all the bills were paid for £750. That wouldn’t cover living and holidays for most people unless they lived at home.

I think he should pay a quarter, because that still leaves you with more and is compensation for the extra hours you do. If you marry and have DC then it should family money and a different arrangement

OP have you actually read what you have written.
As people have said your out goings are more on luxury than expenses.
Your actually giving your partner so much money and you can not see it.
Savings, spends , petrol and food.
Plus YOU paid for the cars.
I'd point this out to them.
As right now I know your happy, but you are funding then a lot.
And say you spent 4k on a holiday and took your partner, well really that's most of the bill money being returned to them in your kindness.

DH earns 8 times more than I do. When we got married our salaries were almost exactly the same. We have always shared all our money even before kids. However, it’s totally personal choice, this is just what has worked for us.

She’s taking the piss!
If your take home is £4.5K and hers £1.5K, with £3K outgoings (luxuries included) then you could equalise by you oating everything, right?

£1.5K left each - with her in a low stress 4 day week and you working hard 25% longer.

Does that seem fair?

No. Because when there isn’t a sacrifice like caring for children involved, being fair doesn’t mean being to-the-penny-equal.

She’s already getting holidays, a car, growing equity from mortgage overpayments, and an extra day off a week.

But she wants more…

You’re the cash cow - you just didn’t see that side of her until your earnings increased.

You are subsidising your partners lifestyle, which is fine if that works for you both. But if you are feeling resentful you must address it by having an honest conversation. They need to understand it from your point of view, not having a family to support there is no expectation on one partner to support another unless everyone is happy with the arrangements. It's about finding what works for you as a couple, other peoples views shouldn't come into it

You are being taken for a mug, I'm afraid. Your DP is getting nice holidays, a house subsidised, treats, etc and still expects you to pay more when the fact that she earns less is due to her decision to go part-time while you work in a stressful job. You don't even have kids to justify the going part-time. Fine if she wants to go part-time but she needs to be contributing equally. The fact that you said you think you could do better says a lot - listen to your head. I think your generosity is being taken advantage of and you are being played for a fool tbh.

You are being taken for a mug

This.

Her being resentful that you're doing better and have decent savings and a good pension coming, isn't a good sign in pretty much any relationship. I think in the back of her mind it will be ticking that; if you ever break up, sure; she'll be left with half a house, that you've paid the lions share on, but with you being the high earner you'll be the one who has to buy her out, not the other way round, so she'll have to find somewhere else and then you're free to live happily ever after with your decent pension and savings, that's if you never get married.

Sounds like she currently wants to enjoy a life of being subsidised by you while she can, before you cotton on a decide to move on, without noticing that arguing over money when they're already getting the best possible end of the deal is more likely to drive a wedge between you two, as shown by you posting here and not being too happy about it.

Hmm, the additional info changes my view. I'd pay the mortgage yourself and split other billls up ((literally, so eg she has to figure out the pet insurance). Good luck!

£500 is fine for him for spending money each month. I agree with you.

@itsraimy what did you decide to do?