Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unequal finances

286 replies

Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 22:52

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

OP posts:
Veronika13 · 09/07/2021 02:47

I agree ☝🏻 house is owned 50/50 but you don't pay 50/50? What are you doing? If you split you've lost a lot of money down the drain, it's not a fair game.

My partner earns more than me and he owns a bigger share of the house; that's totally fine with me. I live in a huge house and have a good chunk of equity it in. IF I was single I'd live in a small apartment with 100% equity. So my financial position is the same, but now I get to live in a stunning big home in the nicest area.

WHY are you giving equity away to a part timer? Jeez the man is only 30 and he's already working PT with no ambition whilst you're working a stressful job. Wow. your relationship is not equal, and not in a good way (for you).

Happyhappyday · 09/07/2021 02:47

I would pay in proportion to earnings. You’re putting away a huge amount in your pension which is great, but that is entirely your money. DH and I have always split things equally, as soon as we were living together and definitely as soon as we bought a house. £500 is barely 10% of your take home after your enormous pension contribution, £500 is fully 1/3 of DPs and I assume he isn’t able to put as much away. But I also have very little patience with people who work too much and complain about how others don’t. You too could choose to not work in a stressful career.

FoxVillage · 09/07/2021 03:13

@RainbowMum11

So many assumptions about the he/she in this situation!
I agree! The OP has been very careful with their pronouns.

It shouldn't make a difference, but the reality is that women are often disadvantaged in the workplace.

LittleRa · 09/07/2021 03:23

@uggmum

I work a 4 day week. I work full time but long shifts. All employees at the company work 4 days a week.

So if the OP's Partner works full time over 4 days it does not mean he is slack or lazy.

The OP said the partner works 4 days 9-5pm.
timeisnotaline · 09/07/2021 03:24

I don’t think choosing to work 4 days a week in an unmarried no children relationship should be subsidised even further by the partner that has already subsidised it. I do know women who’ve done this- some because they felt like it, some snowflakes who found life was too stressful to try for a baby while working, they all however do more housework, are married, and have ‘traditional’ husbands who didn’t think their wife needed to work really. This isn’t any of these cases- I’d pay a fair split based on my partners salary based on if they worked 5 days, as I don’t understand why they can’t have a low stress job 5 days a week. So add 25% to their salary, and calculate a fair proportional split.

choli · 09/07/2021 03:26

I'd look for someone more on my level in most aspects.

KRoo22 · 09/07/2021 05:47

I don’t think this is unfair at all for bills, my question would be around paying for things like holidays, meals out etc. When my DH and I weren’t married he could save a lot more as he had a lot higher income like you and would save a lot but would pay for the big things too, money in his name but ultimately spent on joint things. Then all pooled when married. As long as you aren’t expecting him to pay half towards holidays/ new car etc then YANBU

CupoTeap · 09/07/2021 06:07

[quote Itsraimy]@TheFoundations I’m fine with my partner not wanting a stressful job and thinking there is more to life.

I’m fine with paying 2/3 of our household outgoings and paying for holidays and overpaying our mortgage.

I’m just not sure I’m fine with paying almost all of our monthly outgoings. Clearly I’ve split opinion.[/quote]
I think this is the crux of the issue, he is only considering the monthly cost to him. The extras you do aren't on his radar as they are things you choose to do. When you earn more you have more choices.

I think a better way is to both put in a set amount, at an equal %, which covers bills and the left over goes towards to holidays etc.

If you jointly own the house and are adding extra payments he really is a lucky chap!

Are you sure he's not getting a bit to comfortable spending your money?

hellywelly3 · 09/07/2021 06:14

I never understand these threads. Surely you want your partner to have a nice life too? You earn 4x what they do can’t you 3/4 and they the rest? But once your married surly it all goes into the marital pot, maybe with a little bit of separate savings

Paq · 09/07/2021 06:14

@EveryoneIsThere

Yanbu. If he wants more spending money he can work an 5 day week.
Completely agree. You are paying more than him, you pay for all holidays etc. He has a good chunk of disposable income every month. If he wants more money then he should work more.

If you do stay together you know that your pension will also largely fund his retirement?

Wallywobbles · 09/07/2021 06:16

How about a split based on hours worked as a starting point. That might be fairer.

But I see massive trouble ahead to be frank. Do not get married. A divorce is likely to leave you VERY bitter.

And will you have to rush back to work if you have kids? And will he be the resident parent?

123sunshine · 09/07/2021 06:21

This would not work for me at all. But if you are happy, fine it’s your life. Pooling of money when married absolutely fine. Subsiding a partner who chooses to work a reduced 4 day week and has no ambition to further his career whilst you work hard would be a big no from me. He’s got no incentive to better himself if you continue to subsidise him. Also don’t overpay your mortgage if you split he will take half the house. Keep you extra money separate and invest it for your future. If you marry then thing change but before marriage no. Protect yourself. What you should of done is brought the house in your name alone then if you pay all the mortgage but you later split you get to keep your asset. Life isn’t always a fairy tail, protect yourself. By all means great him out of your disposable buy don’t expose yourself financially if it all goes tits up.

user1471462115 · 09/07/2021 06:22

This one is harder to advise on because of the unequal split.
And you are partners, not spouses.

You earn a lot more but that is almost irrelevant here.

You should each pay half the household expenses. And stop overpaying the mortgage as that takes your share of the house higher and needs reflecting in the share out of the house .

Relationships develop, and this one is still at an early stage and how you pay should reflect this.

True partnership develops at the next stage, marriage or kids. Or a very long time together.

You are still trying to work out if you are compatible for the next stage.

And you can’t have a high earning, but chilled out partner. They cancel each other out.

Keep your money for your future, and not necessarily for a shared future, cos I don’t think you are at that point yet.

So 50/50 of ALL household expenses at this point in your life.

GrandPrismatic · 09/07/2021 06:33

I think OP that nobody here can really advise you. Your gut is telling you something here about fairness. Listen to to what it is telling you and do what you feel is right and fair.

If you think about financial and non-financial contribution to a relationship…you are more than pulling your weight financially. Is he more than pulling his weight in non-financial contribution? If not…there is something a bit out of balance. Don’t be taken advantage of.

Bex000 · 09/07/2021 06:35

I think as you are not married, do not have kids and he does not do the lions share of the household work then your current split is fine. If he walked away today he would be able to take half the equity of the house which you have subsidised.
My partner was in a similar position but I owned house so paid all mortgage and we split bills equally. Once we had children he now does all childcare so I think it is about fair. I would feel resentment if u was subsidising a man to work 4 days a week and enjoy his life whilst I had a stressful job and still came home to the cooking. Ironing etc

cauliflowerkorma · 09/07/2021 06:42

I think it depends whether they are a boyfriend or a partner.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 09/07/2021 06:42

I would split the same as if you were married now.

If it is uncomfortable, then there is absolutely no reason why it would suddenly feel better were you to marry.

I think that, subconsciously, you don’t really want to share (which is fair enough, it is a personal thing). If that is the case, end it now and look for someone else equally successful and career committed.

(The responses here are typical MN bias. If a man asked the same question 95% of responses would be that he was an absolute meanie if he did not share 50/50).

Veronika13 · 09/07/2021 06:44

@KRoo22

I don’t think this is unfair at all for bills, my question would be around paying for things like holidays, meals out etc. When my DH and I weren’t married he could save a lot more as he had a lot higher income like you and would save a lot but would pay for the big things too, money in his name but ultimately spent on joint things. Then all pooled when married. As long as you aren’t expecting him to pay half towards holidays/ new car etc then YANBU
RTFT

she is already paying more for holidays and meals, plus mortgage is 50/50 with OP often paying in even more.

KatherineJaneway · 09/07/2021 06:47

@choli

I'd look for someone more on my level in most aspects.
Exactly.

In my experience 'thinks there is more to life than working' = lazy.

PurBal · 09/07/2021 06:49

Split according to salary

PrincessNutella · 09/07/2021 06:52

Not all four-day a week jobs have a five day option, and it is not always easy to get one extra day of work for any meaningful amount of money. Also, often four-day-a-week jobs have a way of spilling into fifth days, and often, having a person who can be home during a weekday can be handy for all involved--for deliveries and errands, etc.

PrincessNutella · 09/07/2021 06:53

Somehow I am feeling pretty sure that it is a man who earns 100,000 and a woman who earns 20,000. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what my gut is telling me.

Saltyslug · 09/07/2021 06:56

As you’re not married and don’t have kids together it’s fair to do a 50/50 split. So that if the relationship ends at an early relationship stage the financial input has been equal both sides.

The moment you have kids together or are married then you need to have the same cash left for fun - so a 600 2.4 split would be ok

If the relationship matures having lasted a number of years and you’re without kids or marriage, then 2k 1k seems perfect split

In your shoes now I’d be insisting on 50/50, with a view to reviewing things if you have kids, get married or have been together a few years

Velvian · 09/07/2021 06:56

I think there are 2 ways I can see this from, either your partner should work 5 days if they can to have more spending money. Alternatively, is your partner subsidising a lifestyle that you wanted and they can't afford?

It may be that your partner's ideal lifestyle is one where you both work 4 days and have a household income of £50K, which could be a lovely life, outside of London.

Bex000 · 09/07/2021 06:57

I ran this past my partner, as I said we are in a similar position he also thinks you are being taken for a mug!