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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unequal finances

286 replies

Itsraimy · 08/07/2021 22:52

Prompted by another post, but my partner and I (no kids and live together but not married) are discussing how we split our finances.

I earn circa 100k and DP earns circa 25k. Maybe IABU but if our household outgoings are 3k I think it’s fair enough that I put in 2k and they put in 1k.

Partner thinks that’s a bit unfair but I feel a bit aggrieved to put in a true ratio as feel I’m being penalised for earning a lot more.

If we split purely on salary, I’d put in £2.4k and they’d put in £600. AIBU suggesting we go for a 2k from me, 1k from them split?

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsraimy · 09/07/2021 19:07

Yeah I take the point on the house equity but it does seem fair to me to be 50:50. We both contributed equally to the deposit and previously have paid equally to the Mortgage.

I think DP feels annoyed that I am building up a big pension and have a lot of disposable income and personal savings hence the ‘ask’ to equalise.

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 09/07/2021 19:16

Yep not your fault he is in a low paid job! He wants more disposable cash then earn more money

wedswench · 09/07/2021 19:22

@Itsraimy

Yeah I take the point on the house equity but it does seem fair to me to be 50:50. We both contributed equally to the deposit and previously have paid equally to the Mortgage.

I think DP feels annoyed that I am building up a big pension and have a lot of disposable income and personal savings hence the ‘ask’ to equalise.

Well yeah but are you planning to get married eventually? Pension will benefit you both
purplepenguin91 · 09/07/2021 19:24

It depends on how long you have been together, etc. My DP earns significantly more than me (a similar ratio to you) and we split everything 50:50 for the first 5 years or so of our relationship. Now our money is just pooled. I never even considered that he should pay more because he earned more

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 20:03

Was your DP earning more before - and then made the choice to drop?
Do you differ wildly in your personal spends (e.g you buy Gucci, she has Primark’s finest)?

Married or not after a certain point in the relationship it’s strange to have such a huge disparity. But savings will benefit both and if you’re married she will get some on divorce

CastawayQueen · 09/07/2021 20:05

*if you marry

Why does your DP think you having more money is an issue? Have you asked her why she feels entitled to your money?!

HalzTangz · 09/07/2021 20:05

If the mortgage is 50:50 then everything should be split 50:50 (minus personal accounts such as Amazon etc). If he wants to contribute less he needs to agree a lower percentage of owning the property

warmfluffytowels · 09/07/2021 20:07

I think DP feels annoyed that I am building up a big pension and have a lot of disposable income and personal savings hence the ‘ask’ to equalise.

I think you should be paying proportionately to your incomes when it comes to household bills, but if she wants more money in her pension pot or more disposable income, she needs to increase her hours like everyone else.

It's not fair for her to choose 4 days a week then complain about her lack of money.

Original poster
Itsraimy · 09/07/2021 20:11

When we got together 5 years ago, we didn’t have a huge salary disparity. Both about 30k FTE. I’ve been promoted a lot since then and am where I am now. She’s taken a (voluntary) decision to go part time

OP posts:
FunMcCool · 09/07/2021 20:29

If you’re partner thinks it’s unfair she should work full time like other able bodied adults who don’t have children. She can’t expect you to just sub you. If she works less she has less money. That’s it.

It’s different if she had a reason why should couldn’t work.

FunMcCool · 09/07/2021 20:30

Why she couldn’t work*

BackAwayFatty · 09/07/2021 20:30

I think I would ask DP to contribute a % based on a FT salary given she has chosen to work a 4 day week 🙂

warmfluffytowels · 09/07/2021 20:40

@Itsraimy

When we got together 5 years ago, we didn’t have a huge salary disparity. Both about 30k FTE. I’ve been promoted a lot since then and am where I am now. She’s taken a (voluntary) decision to go part time
As she's making a choice to cut her hours, I think she needs to accept that comes with less financial choice and freedom.

She could work full-time if she wanted.

It would be different if she was working PT for childcare reasons or due to health issues of any kind.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 09/07/2021 20:50

I think DP feels annoyed that I am building up a big pension and have a lot of disposable income and personal savings hence the ‘ask’ to equalise.

Entitled, much?

partner is just very chilled

Only chilled about working. Not at all chilled about money.

CombatBarbie · 09/07/2021 20:53

Well if mortgage is 50/50 and is £1k then she should absolutely pay 500 and then an agreeable split on rest of the bills. She cannot expect to have a 50% share and have lots of expendable income because she has chosen to go 4 days a week.

If you were married with children my view would be different.

Lockdownlumpy · 09/07/2021 21:06

I personally would agree with you. Hard to say why though.
I think if I were doing a more demanding job 5 days per week, and they were doing a cushy number 4 days a week through choice, I would resent that I was effectively subsidising their lifestyle choices.
At the very best, I would say a fair split would be to work it out based on what their salary would be for full time, since they chose themselves to take that pay cut.

Essentialironingwater · 09/07/2021 21:41

I sort of agree if not married but why are your outgoings so high without kids when one only earns £25k? Ours are much less than £3k and our gross joint income is higher! If you've chosen a fancier lifestyle/flat above DPs means then you should probably bear the brunt, otherwise I think it's fine until you're more committed but likely to lead to resentment.

Essentialironingwater · 09/07/2021 21:44

Sorry just read the update. So she gets 750 after everything for fun spending, you overpay mortgage and pay for all hols? I think fine if you are sure you want to be with her forever but otherwise you might be feeling quite sore about this in a few years. She also only works part time, I'd say she is doing ok out of you!!!

LittleOwl153 · 09/07/2021 23:45

So you are already subbing them to the tune of £200 a month in extra mortgage payments, and sending £250 back of the £1000 in spends. And they want to reduce that by a further £400?

So out of their £600 they'd still be getting £250 leisure, and you gifting £200+ a month through overpayment...

So they'd actually be PAYING £150 A MONTH for a half share in a property and household expenses - I can see why they only work part time! I think you are being taken for a mug OP!

JaninaDuszejko · 10/07/2021 07:00

So what we have here is a cock fanny lodger, the relationship started out equal but as the OP's career has taken off she has subsidised her partner's decision to reduce their working hours and is paying a bigger and bigger percentage of the joint costs and doing a lot of the emotional load/actual daily housework as well. Meanwhile the partner gets to spend three days a week fannying about on her hobby that may at some point in the future provide some income. It's something a it arty or musical or dramatic isn't it? She's in her 30s, if she hasn't made it yet she needs to grow up and focus on her real career.

OP, you need to decide, are you happy to have a trophy partner who doesn't contribute financially but is very good looking/a bit arty farty/whatever floats your boat? If not then strip things back to basics . Forget the joint savings and leisure spending and overpayments on the mortgage. Up your pension payments to the max you can pay each year since you don't currently need to live to your income (think it's £40k but that includes employer contributions). Split the bills 50:50, that will be:
Mortgage 1k
Bills about 350
Food about 250
Petrol (I bought our cars outright) 100
200 ish - dental insurance/house insurance/pets insurance (we have a dog who is calamitous and who’s premium is high)
£1.9k total so £950 each. So yes, you should both pay about £1K each. That leaves her with £500 a month fun and savings money (which seems perfectly reasonable on her income) plus her free day a week which is worth ~£375pcm to her in take home pay and you with £3.5K (will be less if you are making extra pension payments). You can use your extra money how you want, max out your ISA, buy a rental property, take your partner on lovely holidays and days out, buy nice clothes/jewellery/art for yourself. Her lifestyle is still being uplifted by you paying for her car and holidays and meals and days out (because I'm guessing you already always pay for that kind of thing since you earn more so like to treat her) but don't increase your contributions to the house costs because if you split she'll get to keep that. If she isn't happy with this completely fair split and enhancement to her lifestyle she needs to think about that money she is 'spending' by not working full time and if she'd rather spend it in hard cash.

Cookiebox · 10/07/2021 07:42

Hi OP

since my now husband and I moved In together we divide all bills/rent by percentage.
I earn 35k and my husband earns 78k.
By doing it this way I can save quite a bit per month (and so can my husband) we actually save the same amount per month which is good because we're saving for a mortgage.
When we buy I have assets in a flat I rent which I want to sell to get a chunk of the mortgage so again we'll be splitting it % and not 50/50 as I've brought most of the deposit to the table.

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 08:09

After having read the update - your partner’s taking you for a ride. You get promoted and earn more - and then she decides to cut her hours?
She’s clearly based her life choices on being subsidised by you. And as pp have pointed out the maths show just how much she benefits.
Don’t give in to her complaint about the £400. Stop overpaying the mortgage. And for the love of God do not get married.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/07/2021 08:34

You bought your dp a car, are paying for holidays, fun stuff, overpaying on the mortgage and contributing more. In return your dp is not doing more around the house despite reducing her hours and staying in a less challenging 4 day a week 9-5 job. You’re not married.

Are you happy contributing more? What is your long term goal? And is this shared with your dp?

On the surface of it, your dp seems to be getting a very easy ride. If you both decided to get married and have a baby and she carried, I would relook at it then. But not now.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 10/07/2021 08:38

I am normally straight, but...
Hiiii. How you doin' OP😏

Just joking. With your update, I think it's wuite clear you are being tajen advantage of a bit. It would be understandable if you paid bit more if you chose the more expensive lifestyle your partner wouldn't on her wages, but the droppi g hours, you basically paying everything. I can't see that ending well

CastawayQueen · 10/07/2021 09:17

@SchrodingersImmigrant

I am normally straight, but... Hiiii. How you doin' OP😏

Just joking. With your update, I think it's wuite clear you are being tajen advantage of a bit. It would be understandable if you paid bit more if you chose the more expensive lifestyle your partner wouldn't on her wages, but the droppi g hours, you basically paying everything. I can't see that ending well

That’s another point - you both started at the same point. Your expenses (?) also based on your joint income at that time. Seems like you haven’t chosen anything more ruinously expensive just that your partner has dropped her hours and you’re earni more. Not fair to subsidise