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Original poster

Changing names when marrying

429 replies

WellLarDeDar · 08/07/2021 15:02

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

OP posts:
ForeverAintEnough3 · 08/07/2021 15:08

I took DH name. And like you it did feel weird when I actually did it. But now some years on it feels odd when I’m referred to as my maiden name. So I think it’s natural to find it strange at first. I love my name now.

MackieMayor · 08/07/2021 15:18

I use both! I use his name for family or kids stuff and mine for work and other things. My documentation is in his name.

It's been twenty something years now and it's worked for me 😊

BZoma · 08/07/2021 15:22

Of course it will feel a little odd to begin with OP, but you soon get used to it. It takes about a week max.

whereislittleroo · 08/07/2021 15:23

I had never felt particularly attached to my name until the time came to change it. It just felt odd at first. But now 7 years later, it feels completely normal to me. I am in a profession where I don't like clients to be able to look me up so I kept my maiden name professionally and took my husbands name privately.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/07/2021 15:26

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

This is what I did 25 years ago. Personally, I love having the same name as my husband our children. It's up to you, though. There's no "wrong" way to do it.

PaperFleur · 08/07/2021 15:28

I think using your maiden name as a middle name is a really nice idea if you want to avoid double-barrelling, not strange at all.
Just to offer up another potential option - you and your DH could merge your surnames together to create a brand new surname for you both? I did this with my DH, we thought about a few different combos (some sounded ridiculous!) but ended up using the first 3 letters of his surname with the last 3 letters of mine, as that made a nice, unusual but not weird, new surname. My DH wasn't really on board with this initially when I suggested it, but then he did some thinking about why it is that society still expects women to change their name but very rarely men, and he came round to the idea. We love our new name and are really pleased we did it!
If you do choose to change your name (in whatever way!), time will definitely make it feel less strange, as the other poster mentioned.
Have a wonderful wedding day, congratulations!

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2021 15:28

I didn’t change mine. I’m the last one standing of my lot and I wanted to keep it going as long as possible. It’s a very cool name too.

NonShallot · 08/07/2021 15:31

I couldn't wait to bin off my maiden name. DH's surname is much cooler, easier to spell and sounds better with my first name. Also I enjoyed the idea of being 'Mrs X' because I enjoy being married and want people to know I am married. I am a really strong feminist but do enjoy the sense of 'belonging' to someone else that being Mrs X gives me.

doesparentingsuck · 08/07/2021 15:38

I didn't change my name for a variety of reasons and don't understand why so many women do, but that's just me.

Your suggestion of changing your middle name is a reasonable one it's not weird at all and something I'd consider if I did change my name (thought highly unlikely as i feel pretty strongly about not doing it!)

Hallyup6 · 08/07/2021 15:40

I took my husband's name because we already had children and they have his surname so it made sense for me to follow suit.

My cousin has just got married and taken his wife's name. Is that an option?

Ladyks3 · 08/07/2021 15:40

I used my maiden name as my middle name. I like my immediate family having the same name. & less confusion/documentation going through customs if everyone has the same name.

eurochick · 08/07/2021 15:43

I don't understand the attraction in changing names and I'm a bit baffled as to why so many women willingly do it in 2021. It's such an odd and outdated practice. I haven't changed mine and I am completely comfortable that that was the right decision.

bravotango · 08/07/2021 15:43

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname? I would not find this weird at all

I am socially 'Mrs HisName' and legally/for work 'Ms MyName'. We don't have any DC though so may revisit if that happens.

FirmlyRooted · 08/07/2021 15:45

I didn't change my name either, I have never understood the expectation that the woman should change. Our children have my surname. My husband kept his name.

Paddingtonthebear · 08/07/2021 15:45

I kept my name for a few different reasons but the main one is because it’s always been my name, I can’t really imagine referring to myself as anything else.

JorisBonson · 08/07/2021 15:46

First marriage I double barrelled and then eventually took his name. I hated it from day 1, but I also wasn't happy in the marriage and it didn't last long.

This time round I knew I wanted to take DH's name from the minute we got engaged. I like us being a unit, The Bonsons. I am happy in this marriage tho 🤣

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/07/2021 15:46

I wish I had kept my name as a middle name, and given it to DDs as a middle name.

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 08/07/2021 15:46

DH took my name, and im always surprised at how many people seem to overlook it as an option.

His surname was rubbish whereas as mine was cool, so now we both have it 😁

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/07/2021 15:50

I felt like this plus my husband is from another country with a hard ti pronounce name.
What really swung it for me was when people asked what my new name was going to be and I said I wasnt sure, so many people were outraged and said that was the 'whole point' if being married or that is no way they would have got married if their wife hadn't changed her name etc. It pissed me off so much that I took a stand and kept my name! I dont regret it, just slightly regret giving the kids my name as a middle name instead of a surname

firstimemamma · 08/07/2021 15:51

I took my husband's name and I love it!

Micemakingclothes · 08/07/2021 15:52

I don’t understand how people can change their names. It seems like such an inherent part of my identity. Totally your prerogative to do so. You can change any of your names, not just your surname, I just find it odd when anyone does it.

Onesunnydayiniceland · 08/07/2021 15:52

I would never consider taking my DH's surname and neither would he consider taking mine. Our DCs have both surnames

cindarellasbelly · 08/07/2021 15:53

Honestly I think its a really weird tradition. And I think of course you're going to feel strange about it - you're what, in your twenties/thirties? You have a whole identity! When people got married at 21/22 and went from their parents house to their husbands, sure. But its so odd now.

I didn't change mine (funnily enough DH was open to double-barrelling, and our DD is double-barrelled, but I thought that would be strange too) but I figured I'd be chilled about it if, say, DDs school were to call me Mrs DHname. Then friends got married a few months after us, we were in the wedding party and named on their order of service and they used my non-existent married name and it really, really upset me. I just had no connection with 'Cinderella DHName' when I saw it in black and white and felt really weird people would think that's who I was.

I also think there's something almost attention-seeking about changing it in a work context. I used to work in an office with about five Catherines, one of them got married and changed her name: I didn't work with her every day but frequently I had to search for emails she'd sent with info that would occasionally become relevant. The amount of time I spent trying to remember her married name, then to remember her maiden name and roughly when she got married if it was an email sent before she changed her name so I can find the right email. It sounds really minor, it was really minor, but it felt like her personal life was costing me extra time and it was so irrelevant. To be fair, I'm not British, and its not been the norm for me for women to change their names in work so maybe it did seem odd but the more I think of it, the more I find it offensive. Your whole professional identity can be gone - old colleagues, old work achievements under your previous name - and there's no logical reason for it I can think of.

You're meant to be forming a family, not leaving one and joining another.

Marmaladee · 08/07/2021 15:54

It's old fashioned and sad that women still feel the need to do this. I know it's not a popular view but why? It comes from when men owned women!

NakedAttraction · 08/07/2021 15:55

@eurochick

I don't understand the attraction in changing names and I'm a bit baffled as to why so many women willingly do it in 2021. It's such an odd and outdated practice. I haven't changed mine and I am completely comfortable that that was the right decision.
Good for you. I’m completely comfortable having changed my name. To me it was important that our family all had the same name.