Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

I kept my name. While I get that it's nice for a family to all have the same surname, I find it utterly bizarre that it's almost always women who change theirs. In fact I've only ever met one guy who changed his to his wife's and that wasn't in the uk anyway.

Have to admit I do see some women blindly following tradition and changing their name as being insecure in who they are. As if they see themselves as lesser somehow but would never admit it. Hell would freeze over before I took a mans name or my children didn't have mine.

The patriarchy have done a good job on women. Either a) you take your husband's name (which the vast majority of women still do) or b) you say no to changing your name because you think it's a sexist tradition, and some good little wife pops up to say 'well, ha!, that's only your father's name anyway. it doesn't belong to you'.

Why are these handmaidens so desperate to deny women their own identity?

Why are these handmaidens so desperate to deny women their own identity?

It's telling you are conveniently forgetting the vast majority of women who are telling you that you do what you want. It's not a) or b) is it?

The little goady "handmaiden" "good little wife " because you cannot stand women making a choice you disagree with, and you cannot tolerate that women are not so week and passive says it all really.

Do what the heck you want. Unlike you, no one cares. Leave people make their own choice, they don't need you, and they don't care about your opinion.

Why are these handmaidens so desperate to deny women their own identity?

Or perhaps they dislike others including women telling other women what to do?

@FlumpyPoodle

The patriarchy have done a good job on women. Either a) you take your husband's name (which the vast majority of women still do) or b) you say no to changing your name because you think it's a sexist tradition, and some good little wife pops up to say 'well, ha!, that's only your father's name anyway. it doesn't belong to you'.

Why are these handmaidens so desperate to deny women their own identity?

😴

I took my husbands surname and didn't feel weird about it at all. I did consider making my maiden name a second middle name but completely forgot about it when I filled in my new passport forms 😂

We now intend to use it as a middle name for one of our children to keep it in the family in some way 😁

Whether my name is Smith, Jones or Ponconby-Thornton (sincerely hope I just made that one up!) I'm still me and perfectly secure in who I am, thanks very much
Why do people need to be so twatty about other people's personal decisions?

Because the personal is political?

Why oh why do woman still change their name on marriage?

I have not changed my name, have no interest in changing it and my DC have double barrelled. Your DH may love you to take on his name but wouldnt it be lovely if he offered to take on yours? But likely that would be a no as folks still bleat on about the 'family' name, boys carrying the family name bla bla bla

Why oh why do woman still change their name on marriage?

Because they choose to? Because they want to?

I didn’t change my name ! It’s not a big deal and I dont get questioned about it . We hyphenated our kids names. My sister got married a few years before me and changed her name because she wanted everyone in the family to have the same name . Fast forward 9 years and she changed her name back . She is happily married but always felt a bit funny about changing her name. The amount of paperwork she went through though 😩

Why oh why do woman still change their name on marriage?

to piss you off mainly.

I thought it would have died out a long time ago, tbh.

Actually I wonder if it is partly because so many of us live together, have children together and then get married (not criticising, I did this) that changing your name is one of the few things that can actually be different once you marry.

oh yes the old 'choice' argument. Any men out there change their names? Nope but woman now hide behind 'choice' or we all wanted the same name ..i know woman who thought you had to change your name on marriage. I feel ashamed for woman who fight for equality but then change there names, give up careers, do the crux of housework all under the umbrella of choice. Not sure what we are teaching our girls or boys but its no wonder things havent progressed....

Oh fgs. Unless you happen to have inherited your birth surname from your mother, you inherited from your father, by default. Same patriarchal system, just the other end of it. Why do some women find this basic fact so hard to grasp?

My dh has a wonderful surname so i was very happy to get rid of mine! There was a thread on here recently about beautiful surnames and ours came up a few times
Even if that wasn't the case, i still would have changed it.

Zlk02 I have one name I have had since birth. I'm not really bothered about where it came from before that, it is my name and I'll think about changing it the day dh changes his (ie never)

Yes it is your name - nobody is disputing that - but you only have that particular name due to the patriarchal name system. Perhaps your mother had it as well - again, the patriarchal system.

There is no denying what it came from.

If you take another man’s name - aka your husband - it would become YOUR name too.

The only difference is that you are making the choice to take a man’s name, rather than being given one at birth, by default. Same system ultimately.

YOUR name is the name you go by. No argument there. But don’t deny it’s origin.

If you’re going to tell me you were born with a double-barrel name; or your mother’s name; or a new / made-up name - that’s a different matter.

@mynameisbrian - I suspect that a patriarchal society would not approve of a man changing his surname when he got married - so it is possible they don’t have as much choice in the matter as we might think.

I would argue it matters less what name a wife takes on marriage. What matters more, in terms of the reinforcement of the patriarchal name-system, is what name a couple’s children take.

Many women think they are making a great feminist statement just because they don’t take their husband’s name on marriage ... only they then go on to give their children the DH name anyway .

Children taking the DH surname is the how the patriarchal naming tradition persists through generations. This is obvious. Regardless of what name the wife takes, she will inevitably be dead in the same generation as the husband, but his name will live on. Which is how most of us have the names we have (or at least started out with).

That is changing though. Undeniably so. I didnt change my name and my children have my name. The patriarchal tradition broken in one generation in my family. I also know dd will never take a mans name.

@Zlk02

Oh fgs. Unless you happen to have inherited your birth surname from your mother, you inherited from your father, by default. Same patriarchal system, just the other end of it. Why do some women find this basic fact so hard to grasp?

Perhaps we’re all just rather stupid?

I’m interested in your thinking.

When I use my own name I’m using my father’s name. If I use my married name I’m using my father-in-law’s name. Except we never say that, do we? Using your logic my options are my dad’s name or my husband’s.

Now with your intelligence you’ll see the failure of logic here. My name is my dad’s, but my husband’s name is his own? We would never, ever say ‘I’m taking my father-in-law’s name’.

That’s weird. It’s almost as if women can never own their names but men do by default.

I’m not a great thinker like you, of course, no woman is, but it’s odd all the same, isn’t it?