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Original poster

Changing names when marrying

429 replies

WellLarDeDar · 08/07/2021 15:02

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

OP posts:
TheYellowOne · 08/07/2021 17:30

I kept my own name. I was TheYellowOne for 30 years before I got married, it would have been really weird to start being TheYellowSomethingelse after all that time.

Marmaladee · 08/07/2021 17:30

Because people want to. It's not a feminist issue.

But it is a feminist issue! Because it comes from a time when men owned women. Same with the creepy virgin white dresses and veils.

luxxlisbon · 08/07/2021 17:31

I didn’t change mine. I just couldn’t picture suddenly going by a different name and didn’t see any good reason to so I kept my own.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/07/2021 17:33

@onlyhereforthecake

Outdated, sexist, patriarchal nonsense.

It wasn't the actual reason, I am not 12, but I have to admit, such a judgemental and patronising attack would have been more than enough reason for me to change my name when I got married.Grin

I agree, @onlyhereforthecake - I feel my reasons for wanting to change my name - mainly the negative connotations of my surname being used to bully me - and felt sad when I read that comment.
Marmaladee · 08/07/2021 17:33

@onlyhereforthecake

Absolutely. I really hate that women need to declare their marital status. WHY??

because they want to?

Maybe some people want to but half the time we don't get a choice. We are forced to choose one of the various titles which kind of says how old we are and whether or not we are married. Men don't have to. Every bloody form!
FuzzyPuffling · 08/07/2021 17:34

@Blossomtoes

I didn’t change mine. I’m the last one standing of my lot and I wanted to keep it going as long as possible. It’s a very cool name too.
Me too. (Although most likely a different name)

DH's family couldn't understand it and on many, many occasions refused to use it. Deeply annoying and disrespectful.

thisplaceisweird · 08/07/2021 17:35

I would recommend to any woman not to change her name. They don't in Spain. People with the same last name are siblings!

Alternative is that you both change your name to something different.

thisplaceisweird · 08/07/2021 17:36

Anyone who thinks "it's not a feminist issue" is just wrong.

MostTacticalNameChange · 08/07/2021 17:37

@Marmaladee

Because people want to. It's not a feminist issue.

But it is a feminist issue! Because it comes from a time when men owned women. Same with the creepy virgin white dresses and veils.

Exactly. I have a knack of fining the feminist issue in everything but this is a glaring neon feminist issue.

Is it as important as fgm or sexual assault...of course not. But does it contribute the notion that men are more important...yes.

thisplaceisweird · 08/07/2021 17:37

@kayakingmum your master of ceremonies can say whatever you want him to say! Don't let that be a blocker to such an important decision

Deadringer · 08/07/2021 17:39

Don't think of it as your 'maiden' name (such an outdated notion)
It's your name. Why would you change it.

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2021 17:40

@thisplaceisweird

Anyone who thinks "it's not a feminist issue" is just wrong.
Totally. It’s a pretty fundamental one too.
onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:41

@thisplaceisweird

Anyone who thinks "it's not a feminist issue" is just wrong.
you can make it one if you want, but as long as we have the CHOICE (which we do in this country at least), it really is not.

No one is confusing a white gown with a sign of virginity either, and hasn't for a very long time Grin

Women wearing white dresses on their 2nd or 3rd wedding, or with their toddlers as the ring bearer being quite a clue...

DGFB · 08/07/2021 17:43

I find it so old fashioned and like some weird ownership, so I didn’t swap

Phantasmo · 08/07/2021 17:43

Keep your own name and don't participate in the silly tradition.

Phantasmo · 08/07/2021 17:46

'not a feminist issue'

Do men commonly do it?

No.

That makes it a feminist issue.

HTH.

MaverickDanger · 08/07/2021 17:46

I took DH’s name after a couple of years of being married, when DS was born. We travel a lot (together and solo) and I didn’t want the hassle of letters from his dad etc.

And before anyone asks, we didn’t change it to my surname as I had one of the top ten most common surnames and DH’s is a historic & unusual surname that I was happy to continue.

I’ve kept my maiden name for work. I did look into putting it as a middle name, but it was so much more faff & I didn’t have the energy for it when heavily pregnant.

DH already has a double barrelled surname so that wasn’t an option & would have sounded rhymey and stupid for him to drop one name to double barrel with mine.

Ironic that I’ve ended up with a double barrelled surname when I’ve always absolutely hated them.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:47

@Phantasmo

'not a feminist issue'

Do men commonly do it?

No.

That makes it a feminist issue.

HTH.

CAN they if they want to?

DO some men choose to?

Yes.

so there you go. HTH.

Phantasmo · 08/07/2021 17:48

@onlyhereforthecake, what % of men change their name upon marrying?

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:51

who cares, they could if they wanted to.

Same choice for gay & lesbian couples. 🤷

Iggi999 · 08/07/2021 17:51

Dh's surname is easier to pronounce and to spell than my name.
Never thought for one second of changing mine to his, though.
OP how often will you use your middle name? Rarely, for most people, I would think.

Blossomtoes · 08/07/2021 17:51

A tiny minority of men have been changing their names on marriage for a very short period of time. Women have been expected to and done it unquestioningly for centuries to signify ownership. Its roots are deep in patriarchy and it’s most definitely a feminist issue.

Phantasmo · 08/07/2021 17:53

@onlyhereforthecake

who cares, they could if they wanted to.

Same choice for gay & lesbian couples. 🤷

They can if they want but very, very, few actually do.

Funny that...

Iggi999 · 08/07/2021 17:53

Onlyhereforthecake that doesn't mean anything. Is childcare a feminist issue? Men can be the ones responsible for it too. What about working part time? men are allowed to do this too so does that mean the numbers of women doing this after ML isn't a feminist issue?

miltonj · 08/07/2021 17:54

@Phantasmo

'not a feminist issue'

Do men commonly do it?

No.

That makes it a feminist issue.

HTH.

Er nope. Women can chose what to do, that's the point of feminism. I will not bow to how 'proper feminists' want me to behave thank you. Try again.