Changing names when marrying

[WellLarDeDar]

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

And changing your name doesn't mean you're not a feminist, but your decision to change your name was not a feminist one. Feminists don't go through life making purely positive choices that tend towards the liberation of women

Feminism isn't just about having choices.

It’s weird that women are still changing their names to their dh in 2021 imo. I’m used to my name and I’m keeping it. If you want your family all to have the same surname- get your dh to change his

I agree it is a feminist issue and changing your name to your dh is not a feminist choice. But not every choice a feminist makes is feminist. That’s life

Er nope. Women can chose what to do, that's the point of feminism. I will not bow to how 'proper feminists' want me to behave thank you. Try again.

I don't need to 'try again'. Equality is the point of feminism. Women taking their husbands' name is a blatantly feminist issue. Of course, you can be a feminist and do un-feminist things (for example, I wear makeup. My love of example didn't occur in a vacum) but it doesn't change the fact that name changing comes from a place of inequality and perceived ownership.

I know lots of women say 'I never liked my name' or 'I hate my birth father' but these things can be said my so many men too and yet they rarely feel the need to change their birth name.

I know lots of women say 'I never liked my name' or 'I hate my birth father' but these things can be said my so many men too and yet they rarely feel the need to change their birth name

Very valid point.

There's no societal expectation that a man will change his name.

@MostTacticalNameChange

There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked. I don't blame them because this is the bullshit we're all brought up on: fairy tales, prince charming, you're nothing without a man, sad singletons, 'left on the shelf', spinsters, old cat lady etc. but it's all a bit sad.

Always, always ask yourself....Are men worrying about this stuff? If not, why not.

All of this! I love what you said so much I think I want to marry you. We can both keep our own names.

‘There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked. I don't blame them because this is the bullshit we're all brought up on: fairy tales, prince charming, you're nothing without a man, sad singletons, 'left on the shelf', spinsters, old cat lady etc. but it's all a bit sad.

Always, always ask yourself....Are men worrying about this stuff? If not, why not.’

@MostTacticalNameChange great post. I never thought about it this way before.

Finally, a sister of all the men with the cool names gets married! These threads always have lots of women saying their maiden names were awful and their H's name was so much better. Makes me wonder what the siblings on each side justify what they do.

Yeah, on these threads you always get women saying they took their husband's name because their name was too boring, difficult to spell, impossible to pronounce, had no meaning for them etc. However, I very much doubt that their brothers were so desperate to get rid of their unwieldy name and took their wife's so much better name instead.

@Phantasmo

Er nope. Women can chose what to do, that's the point of feminism. I will not bow to how 'proper feminists' want me to behave thank you. Try again.

I don't need to 'try again'. Equality is the point of feminism. Women taking their husbands' name is a blatantly feminist issue. Of course, you can be a feminist and do un-feminist things (for example, I wear makeup. My love of example didn't occur in a vacum) but it doesn't change the fact that name changing comes from a place of inequality and perceived ownership.

I know lots of women say 'I never liked my name' or 'I hate my birth father' but these things can be said my so many men too and yet they rarely feel the need to change their birth name.

But many women don't 'feel the need, they just wish to. I was having this same discussion yesterday with a friend, who'd been told by another friend, upon discovering that she taken her husbands name that they were disappointed in her. Which is wild in my opinion.

There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked.

That's why I love MN. The goady threads and the attacks on anyone making different choices are priceless.

So glad I changed my name if it bothers people coming up with things like the above, it's brilliant

@Iggi999

Feminism isn't just about having choices.

and that's where I will never agree with, or recognise people going with the "my way is the only way" as real feminists 🤷

@MackieMayor

I use both! I use his name for family or kids stuff and mine for work and other things. My documentation is in his name.

It's been twenty something years now and it's worked for me 😊

I also do this, and made my maiden name into an extra middle name as I both wanted a family name, my husband's surname is nicer, and I didn't want to lose my maiden name. The passport office didn't understand though, and you have to do a deed poll to change your name rather than using your marriage certificate.

DH and I both have surnames that nobody can spell/few can pronounce.

I wasn't overly bothered either way, neither was he, but didn't manage to find a new signature I could do consistently (back in the days before e-signatures). I didn't bother changing it.

It is quite useful for screening phone calls because if someone asks if I am Mrs DH's name, I know it is invariably a junk call.

Why take your husband’s name? You’ve already got one. Such an archaic and submissive thing to do.

@CayrolBaaaskin

I agree it is a feminist issue and changing your name to your dh is not a feminist choice. But not every choice a feminist makes is feminist. That’s life

This ^^

The fact that most men don't give this a second's thought, or spend time changing names on passports and driving licences and at the bank means it disproportionately affects women.

I didn't change my name, when I got engaged a colleague asked what my new name would be and I knew in that moment that I wouldn't change it (hadn't thought about it before then).

One of my sisters did change her name, it feels weird sometimes when I see it written down.

I find it strange when people say they changed to have the same surname as their children as for me that is really not what makes a family.

If my friends choose to change their surnames I always refer to them by their married surname, quite a few of them don't afford me the same courtesy. Like a PP at a wedding I was looking for my name on the seating plan and a bit hmm at seeing this person who doesn't exist with my husband's surname. It's not me, there is no Percy DHSurname!
He's been on the guest list for events at my work and they usually put my surname, he answers to it and doesn't care.

I suppose my view is that so many people change their name blindly, just because it's traditional, but it's traditional not to have sex or live together before marriage and most of us ignore that! So if people think about it a bit and still want to do it, feels different to people who seem to genuinely think you have to, or who say 'oh my DH would never accept it if I didn't' without questioning why their DH is so chauvinistic.

My elderly divorced aunt said she was really proud of me keeping my name and asked me if I thought she could go back to her original surname, she wasn't sure if she could. Obviously a bit different as she's divorced but she still thought the expectation was to keep that surname from her twattish ex.

I agree it is odd and outdated to take the man’s surname. Keep yours, double barrel or use both

Hated my father and his surname (it's hard to say without spitting). Love my husband and his surname (nice rolling sound). No brainer. Didn't see how having my father's name was any more feminist than my husband's.

If I'd liked my father or my maiden name better I might have kept it, dunno. I wouldn't have taken a name like Smellie.

There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked.

I couldn’t agree more! How sad

@DrSbaitso

Hated my father and his surname (it's hard to say without spitting). Love my husband and his surname (nice rolling sound). No brainer. Didn't see how having my father's name was any more feminist than my husband's.

If I'd liked my father or my maiden name better I might have kept it, dunno. I wouldn't have taken a name like Smellie.

But it's not your 'husband's name', is it? At least not by your logic.

Surely it's your father in law's name?

@Catlover77

I agree it is odd and outdated to take the man’s surname. Keep yours, double barrel or use both

or take your husband's name.

Any of these choices is absolutely valid. Regardless of what your MIL or a random on MN might tell you.

I'm curious what all these children with double barrelled surnames will do when they have a child with, or marry another person with a double barrelled name. It's unsustainable.

That's one reason I'd never do it and wanted my children to have their father's name.

@Catlover77

There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked.

I couldn’t agree more! How sad

This makes no sense. Nobody knows whether your surname is the one you were born with or not. Using the title Mrs or wearing a ring might suggest you're married, but they still don't indicate whether you changed your name or not.

@onlyhereforthecake you wrote yourself
Women can chose what to do, that's the point of feminism so you are stating what you think feminism is, just a much as me or any other poster!
I think feminism is about equality, not choice. You think it's about choice, not equality.

If youre going to go to all the faff of changing name then instead of taking another mans name id pick a new one together.