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Original poster

Changing names when marrying

429 replies

WellLarDeDar · 08/07/2021 15:02

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/07/2021 16:33

I was so happy to change my name when I got married - my surname had been used as the basis for a nasty nickname that was used to bully me for five full years, all through secondary school until I left to go to Sixth Form college - so it had too many negative connotations for me. I also wanted our family to be a unit, and it would have felt odd for me, if the dses and Dh had had one surname and I had a different one - or if the dses had had my surname, and Dh had been the odd one out.

I know that what I did looks like following the patriarchal model, and some people would disapprove of that - but I think everyone has the right to choose, and I think my reasons for my choice are valid - but other people’s reasons for making a different choice are equally valid, IMO.

WeatherwaxOn · 08/07/2021 16:36

I use both surnames with no hyphen. DH uses his own surname. Works fine for us.

cinammonbuns · 08/07/2021 16:46

No one has every given me a good reason for changing it so I didn’t. I don’t count customs as one as they often hold me back for my race anyway so that wouldn’t stop anything.

Was brown with my name and don’t see any reason why I would change it.

cinammonbuns · 08/07/2021 16:46

*born

Wowjustwow99 · 08/07/2021 16:49

My husband took my surname, I wasn't going to change my surname when we got married but I found out I was pregnant about 6 months before we got married and my husband asked if I was going to change my surname I said I didn't know so he said he would just take mine so we all had the same surname Grin

strawberrydonuts · 08/07/2021 16:53

I think it's a very old-fashioned tradition for the wife to take the husband's name and stinks of an antiquated patriarchy.

We discussed DH taking my name, or me keeping my former name and him keeping his.

We never even really discussed me taking his, just because his name is not as interesting.

Have the name you want to have.

therocinante · 08/07/2021 16:55

I didn't change mine. Our friends interchangeably refer to us as the MyNames or the HisNames in conversation - not that it comes up a lot!

If someone referred to me as Mrs HisName I wouldn't care too much, but I do find the assumption a bit annoying, especially as I only know one woman my age who changed her name on marriage and the rest either didn't, he took hers, or they merged it.

Naunet · 08/07/2021 16:57

Yes, much better to keep your maiden name and be your father’s property

So only men own names?! What makes it your fathers name, your brothers name, but not YOUR name?

Puppysharness · 08/07/2021 17:01

@Marmaladee

Yes, much better to keep your maiden name and be your father’s property

Well that is where the cycle ends doesn't it. We don't have to live like this anymore!

Exactly! Maybe some women could be born with their mother’s surname? Or a combo of both parents’ names?

I find this a very creepy tradition. Plus, the admin involved must be exhausting.

That said, I’d probably do it if I were marrying, say, a Kennedy or a Churchill Grin

TerribleCustomerCervix · 08/07/2021 17:02

I’ve double barrelled but a lot of the time don’t bother with DH’s but, I just use my maiden name. My sister and I are the only recently married women I know that have kept their maiden names. My name was my name, not just my dad’s or some other male family member’s.

It is funny on these threads when posters say they had clunky, hard to spell or difficult to pronounce maiden names so they took their DH’s name on marriage. If you want to change your name just own it, you don’t need an excuse!

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:05

Absolutely. I really hate that women need to declare their marital status. WHY??

because they want to?

GirlAloud · 08/07/2021 17:06

@eurochick

I don't understand the attraction in changing names and I'm a bit baffled as to why so many women willingly do it in 2021. It's such an odd and outdated practice. I haven't changed mine and I am completely comfortable that that was the right decision.
I agree.

Outdated, sexist, patriarchal nonsense.

ChocolateCakeYum · 08/07/2021 17:08

I took my husbands name. I wish I hadn’t. His isn’t bad, just generic and bland.

My maiden name is super unique (there’s only about 180 other people in the world with it) and really suits me. I miss it.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 17:16

Outdated, sexist, patriarchal nonsense.

It wasn't the actual reason, I am not 12, but I have to admit, such a judgemental and patronising attack would have been more than enough reason for me to change my name when I got married.Grin

DinosaurDiana · 08/07/2021 17:17

If you’re married and not changing your surname, you need to agree to what you will be doing with your children’s surname before they arrive.

Hooplabum · 08/07/2021 17:19

The problem with double barrel is what comes next.
Person Jones marries person Brown. Their DC become DC Jones- Brown.
DC Jones -Brown marries a DC Adams- Dickson. Do their DC become DC Jones-Brown-Adams-Dickson? Etc. Where does it end………?🤣

RestingPandaFace · 08/07/2021 17:22

I was unsure and I double barrelled for about 3 years, but didn’t really like the sound of the double barrelled name. It was too long.

I eventually dropped my maiden name and went with just DHs surname.

DinosaurDiana · 08/07/2021 17:24

@RestingPandaFace

I was unsure and I double barrelled for about 3 years, but didn’t really like the sound of the double barrelled name. It was too long.

I eventually dropped my maiden name and went with just DHs surname.

Me too !
MaskingForIt · 08/07/2021 17:25

Personally I kept my name and our children have my name.

He’s welcome to take my name if he wants us to match, and if he pushes a baby out of his mangina he can use whatever name he likes.

I’m smashing the patriarchy one micro-aggression at a time.

MostTacticalNameChange · 08/07/2021 17:25

@DontWiltMySpinachPlease

DH took my name, and im always surprised at how many people seem to overlook it as an option.

His surname was rubbish whereas as mine was cool, so now we both have it 😁

Finally, a sister of all the men with the cool names gets married! These threads always have lots of women saying their maiden names were awful and their H's name was so much better. Makes me wonder what the siblings on each side justify what they do.

Didn't change my name, never would.

There are a lot of women see marriage as the ultimate achievement and changing their name as a badge of honour to show off that they have been picked. I don't blame them because this is the bullshit we're all brought up on: fairy tales, prince charming, you're nothing without a man, sad singletons, 'left on the shelf', spinsters, old cat lady etc. but it's all a bit sad.

Always, always ask yourself....Are men worrying about this stuff? If not, why not.

Puppysharness · 08/07/2021 17:25

@Hooplabum

The problem with double barrel is what comes next. Person Jones marries person Brown. Their DC become DC Jones- Brown. DC Jones -Brown marries a DC Adams- Dickson. Do their DC become DC Jones-Brown-Adams-Dickson? Etc. Where does it end………?🤣
It’s not that complicated, you just pick two. Spanish people have done this for generations, they don’t seem confused.
lillylemons · 08/07/2021 17:25

I took DH surname I'd always hated my own surname and couldn't wait to change it.
My DH's friend took his wifes surname when they married.

miltonj · 08/07/2021 17:25

@eurochick

I don't understand the attraction in changing names and I'm a bit baffled as to why so many women willingly do it in 2021. It's such an odd and outdated practice. I haven't changed mine and I am completely comfortable that that was the right decision.
Because people want to. It's not a feminist issue.
Seasidemumma77 · 08/07/2021 17:28

My DB changed his name to his DW when they married. His DW was really attached to her name and he was fussed at all at changing his.

kayakingmum · 08/07/2021 17:28

I'm planning on keeping my maiden name when I marry my partner. I'm happy our children have his surname.

The only there are only two things that put me off keeping my name:
Having to be Ms (Mrs Maiden name sounds like I'm married to someone else IMO) and I'm not sure what will be said straight after the ceremony when the master of ceremonies says welcome Mr and ?