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Original poster

Changing names when marrying

429 replies

WellLarDeDar · 08/07/2021 15:02

I had liked the idea of taking on DHs name if we ever married and thought I wouldn't bat an eyelid but now it's time (wedding imminent!), I've discovered I'm more attached to my maiden name than I thought, but also still do like the idea of taking DHs name. I think his surname is really nice but it feels really weird thinking I wont have my old name anymore. Naively, I never expected to be unsure over it, it's a very strange feeling.

Is/was anyone else in two minds about it? I'm curious to hear what other people think.

Also, do you think it would be weird for someone to change their maiden name to a middle name and take on their DH/DWs name as a surname?

(DH said that he would love for me to take his name but it's up to me entirely so there's no pressure from him at all. Neither of us want a double barreled surname)

OP posts:
ForeverAintEnough3 · 08/07/2021 15:55

@eurochick @FirmlyRooted

There are many reasons why a woman may change their name. For me I wanted the same name as my DH & any children so we are one family unit and it had to be DH name as he has a v small family , most of whom are dead and is the only male carrying on the surname in the entire extended family, whereas Ive loads of brothers who along with their children are carrying on my family name not to mention all my cousins doing the same.

It turns out myself and DH may not be able to have children and it means even more to me and to him now to have the same name to bind us together as a family unit.

GroggyLegs · 08/07/2021 15:56

@eurochick

I don't understand the attraction in changing names and I'm a bit baffled as to why so many women willingly do it in 2021. It's such an odd and outdated practice. I haven't changed mine and I am completely comfortable that that was the right decision.
I'm baffled you are still baffled as this has been done to death on MN.

Im completely comfortable that I willingly changed my ugly, pronounced wrongly 99% of the time & impossible to spell surname for DH name which is lovely.

We both chose which name we wanted to use. You kept it, I changed it. Same difference.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 08/07/2021 15:58

It's old fashioned and sad that women still feel the need to do this. I know it's not a popular view but why? It comes from when men owned women

Yes, much better to keep your maiden name and be your father’s property

Marmaladee · 08/07/2021 16:02

Yes, much better to keep your maiden name and be your father’s property

Well that is where the cycle ends doesn't it. We don't have to live like this anymore!

whatswithtodaytoday · 08/07/2021 16:03

I think it's a very weird thing to do and would never change my name. My son has my name too. It's a nice name (far nicer and less common than my partner's) and we're a small family, so good to carry it on... but regardless, I wouldn't change my name for anyone.

I also find it particularly annoying when someone I work with changes their name, and I can't find them in the email system. It's like they've deleted themselves. By the time most women get married nowadays they have a professional identity - why would you erase that and start again?

I also think all women should go by Ms - why on earth should anyone know or care about our marital status? No-one knows or cares about men, so why women?

cindarellasbelly · 08/07/2021 16:03

I know this has been done to death but @withanamelikedanicalifornia WHY is my name my dad's name when its a) also been my mother's name as long as I've known her (her choice) and b) been my name since birth, but my DH's name is his and not his dads?

Also, why does having the same name= the man's name? DH wanted us to have the same name and was happy to double barrel. I didn't want to, and said he could if he wanted to, he decided to stick with his but now our DD is double-barrelled he's considering changing it outside work. Its the most obvious way to all have the same name. its actually lovely explaining to her toddler why her name is her name: My name is X, daddy's name is Y, your name is YourName X-Y because you're half daddy and half mummy. If a toddler can get it, and understand we're family, I'm not sure why the rest of society can't figure it out.

Marmaladee · 08/07/2021 16:04

I also think all women should go by Ms - why on earth should anyone know or care about our marital status? No-one knows or cares about men, so why women?

Absolutely. I really hate that women need to declare their marital status. WHY??

whatswithtodaytoday · 08/07/2021 16:04

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia

It's old fashioned and sad that women still feel the need to do this. I know it's not a popular view but why? It comes from when men owned women

Yes, much better to keep your maiden name and be your father’s property

My name is my name that I was given when I was born and have grown up with, not just my father's name. I exist as a person, not property of my father. Just as my son, who has my surname, is his own person too.
DinosaurDiana · 08/07/2021 16:06

I double barrelled.
But if I had my time again, I’d not take his name and I’d double barrel the children.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 08/07/2021 16:08

I took DH's name to be practical (language related).

However, I really wanted both of us to take his best friend's name because it's so much nicer and better. DH wasn't on board.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 08/07/2021 16:10

I changed my name to DH's because my maiden name was crap i.e. too easy to mispronounce/spell and poor connotations relating to my shit father. I don't use Mrs though because I'm Dr.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 08/07/2021 16:11

I didn't change mine , occasionally I tag his name on the end of mine but it's rarely.

1forAll74 · 08/07/2021 16:14

It was usually the standard thing to do many years ago, as in taking the Husbands surname... But I can see now, from many of the young married women who have moved into my village here, that many of them have their own surname first,and then maybe three more surnames as well.Sometimes they use their name, then there middle name, and then maybe two more of the husbands double Barreled names as well..

Most of them are on the community FB pages, and they use all the names they have on there..as in five or more names. it always makes me laugh at these long winded names. just on a FB posting.

thegreylady · 08/07/2021 16:16

I have been married 3 times! Including my maiden name I have had 4 surnames. I wish I hadn’t changed my name last time because it meant I had a different name from my dc but they were teens and dint mind.
To me all the surnames including the first have come from a man. They are not my name. Only my first name is truly mine and that is the one I value.

DinosaurDiana · 08/07/2021 16:18

My maiden/unmarried surname name is a man’s name, and I massively regret not giving my sons that name as an extra middle name.

RaindropsOnRosie · 08/07/2021 16:19

I kept my maiden name as a middle name- it is actually a woman's name so no one else notices but I like having it. I always wanted my husband's name-partly because of him and partly because it's a lovely name. I'm not a nutter so I understand it doesn't mean my husband 'owns' me, and I can still be a feminist!
I use Mrs, though I don't get all worked up if I'm addressed as Ms.

motogogo · 08/07/2021 16:20

I changed mine, didn't have much attachment to my surname, that said haven't bothered changing it when divorced either. If I remarried I would change it

MilesOrOscar · 08/07/2021 16:20

I love having my DH's name, it makes us feel even more of a team. It just didn't feel romantic to have different surnames. I had a really nice surname before but my new name sounds lovely with my first name.

Nancydrawn · 08/07/2021 16:21

I didn't change my name because I didn't think our marriage changed me more than it changed my husband.

I also didn't want to give the impression that he was the center of gravity and I was ancillary to him. Sometimes his cousins still refer to me on invitations as, e.g., Mrs. William Hayes, and it makes my skin crawl.

That said, no, your solution isn't strange. It's also not strange to just add another middle name, like Jane Elizabeth Smith Jones (rather than just Jane Smith Jones).

MsHedgehog · 08/07/2021 16:21

I did that - made my maiden name a middle name. It’s more common than you may think.

I didn’t want to change my name but it was important to DH. Due to other sacrifices he made for me, I agreed, so made my maiden name a middle name so I don’t lose it completely, and also kept my maiden name at work!

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 08/07/2021 16:22

When I got married a few years ago I chose to double barrel mine. Our daughter & my son had my surname - dad surname, so I wanted something that gave me a link to my son’s surname (even though they were in their 20s when we finally got married lol).

I don’t have a particular like of my maiden name (my Dad was adopted by his step dad so it’s not really a familial name) and I can’t take my husband’s name as it’s a common household object which can be rhymed with a nickname for a phallus.

Double barrelling it was the best of a bad job lol!

I’ve kept my maiden name for loads of admin, I only use my married name on my new business & driving licence (and passport when I renew it, buggered if I was paying again to change a passport that was a year old!).

Do whatever feels right for you.

Aprilx · 08/07/2021 16:23

I was moving country around the same time I got married and needed to make a snap decision as visa applications needed to be made and also my new employer wanted to get my IT set up and announce my arrival. If I had more time to think about it I might have stuck with my maiden name. But I like both surnames and am used to DH’s surname now. I like that we have the same name.

I would never have double-barrelled as I think that is naff plus our names do not go together in that way. I definitely never considered making my surname a given name, it wouldn’t work as a given name, plus I don’t want to increase the number of change of name documents I might need to produce, also not sure when I would have used it anyway.

I dithered around changing my documents, I did two country moves within the first three years of marriage, which involved various official “admin” and it was awkward at times, I wished I had either changed everything or changed nothing, but not half and half.

onlyhereforthecake · 08/07/2021 16:24

You do what feels right for you!

I changed my name, didn't hesitate a second. DH didn't really care. I had a couple of comments at work from "feminists" which I ignored.

No reason why a compromise not to give up your maiden name entirely would be wrong.

Sceptre86 · 08/07/2021 16:24

Mine is double-barrelled but if I could go back in time I would have stuck to my maiden name which is short and sweet. My surname now is a mouthful!

Ruibies · 08/07/2021 16:33

I'm 18 months into marriage, added my maiden name as a middle name and took his surname. It still feels weird referring to myself with his surname. We have spoken about giving my maiden name as a middle name to any kids, and also floated the idea of him adding it to his name as a middle name too...no real reason why just a nice gesture I guess. Then we've both changed our names for the marriage - I felt some resentment that at 30 years old it was just expected of me to make this change which is a huge part of my identity but he didn't have to do anything.

Also, my maiden name was shorter and rarer, and flowed nicely with my first name. My new name feels very bog standard as his surname is very common - there are probably thousands of people with the exact same name as me now. If I had my time again, I'd have double barrelled or gone 2 surnames no hyphen.

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