To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

[pearlsandpetals]

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

@AnneLovesGilbert

I didn’t care what sex my baby was. I didn’t think I’d bond any better knowing what genitals it had.

I don’t understand why people care so much.

Yep, sums it up! I didn't have a good reason to know. I wouldn't have been furious to have been told accidentally or anything but it just wasn't something that I thought would change how I felt before the birth.

Nothing I prepared would have been different either way. We painted a nursery pale blue with farmyard curtains and stickers. Bought a lot of sleepsuits with dinosaurs on. All the same stuff we would have done whether we knew the sex or not.

@pearlsandpetals You we're always going to open a can of worms asking something like this - Mumsnet isn't full of the same people you find in the outside world.

FWIW we found out the sex of our kids both times at the 20 week anomaly scan. Having a human being pulled out of me was a big enough surprise and we wanted to know in advance. Science lets us and it causes no damage to anyone else.

Equally if you don't want to find out that's fine too - there's no gun against your head. Your decision.

White, lemon and green @1forAll74😁

Really you can't picture what they will be like from the gender, the gender doesn't actually tell you anything about what sort of person they will be, what they will like, what they will dislike.
And you can't really prepare any more for the arrival just from knowing boy vs girl.

Because not knowing doesn't affect my ability to prepare, babies need the same stuff whether they're boys or girls.

I found out on my first because my husband wanted to, didn't on my second and am not now on my 3rd. I can tell you know it has no effect on the ability to bond with the baby.

[quote pearlsandpetals]@midgemagneto it means we can refer to them by their actual name and not just 'the baby'. That does make me feel closer and I'm sorry if you find that weird.[/quote]
I loved referring to the kids as 'Baby'. It stuck for a while for my daughter as well.

I'd caution with picking a name and using it before baby is here. I was dead set on Eleanor for a girl right up until my daughter was born. As soon as DH said girl I called her Eleanor that was her name .... and then I looked at her. Eleanor was NOT her name! It didn't suit her at all.

By the afternoon we swapped to another of our favourites.

How does knowing if a baby has a vagina or penis help you prepare better?

I didn't want to find out because I don't see the point. I was able to bond as much with my baby as a person can in pregnancy, even without knowing if it had an innie or outie

Because the surprise is nature and amazing

Didn't know the sex of any of my 3 (I like surprises!) - didn't even have a name or shortlist for any of them. Waited until they were born to see what we thought would suit!

@midgemagneto

So you know your dd loved Disney herself and not because she knows that is how you like her to be ?

Neuroscience has come on

That's no different than "forcing" blue on a girl or gender neutral clothes. If you insist on breaking norms you're still putting something on your child they didn't choose.

We do still wear a mix of clothes, nothing is mandatory. As I say, choice is what matters. Nothing wrong with being a SAHM if you want to, should never be expected.

Girls aren't brainwashed for liking pink, no parents for wanting to dress babies in a way they think is cute (going back to the thread).

Hopefully this is coherent

I’m with you, OP, although I get it’s a personal thing so I do understand others’ POVs. I feel the same as you though, I felt it helped with the bonding process to say “her” and “when she’s here” rather than “it” and “when its here”. Again, a personal thing, just how I felt.
When people say “I wanted a surprise” though… it’s still a surprise when you find out at your 20 week scan! Just a surprise at a different time! The surprises and nice moments are more spread out that way.
The moments after you give birth are wonderful, and if you’ve chosen to have a surprise at that point great, but it’s not like the midwife says “it’s a girl!” and you go “well yeah duh I already knew that” and it’s an anti-climax because of that. It’s still an amazing moment either way.

I didn't find out with dd but did with ds and with the baby I am currently expecting. My reasoning first time was we both didn't care and wanted a surprise. Second time around finding out I was pregnant with ds was not planned so I felt it might help me bond more with him. I felt very guilty as dd was only 6 months old when I fell pregnant and there was a time where I considered not going ahead with that pregnancy. Knowing I was having a boy made him seem more real as I could picture him, it helped me. With my current pregnancy I thought it was a girl as soon as I tested positive and wanted to know so I could get clothes out from the loft, washed and ironed before baby arrives. She does have a lot of gender neutral clothes to where once born as I had quite a few from when dd was born, ds then wore them too but I do like 'girly' clothing too. This is also the first time I will have the opportunity to have a nursery and sue me I like pink and plan to go to town.

On each occasion we have found out the sex we haven't told anyone else although this time the kids do know there is a little sister in mummy's tummy.

There is no right or wrong, do what you wish.

I want it to be a surprise - to have that moment where they go ‘it’s a girl/boy!’. I also don’t want to get gendered stuff so picking out a name is the only part where it matters and it’s fine to come up with two names.

*to wear

Again, I’m sorry that your experience wasn’t ok. Neither was mine as it happens and even more so, neither was my child’s.

I'm sorry about your experience too.

Its really unfair to chastise people for wishing for a healthy child though. I definitely understand why people say it.

I was dead set on Eleanor for a girl right up until my daughter was born. As soon as DH said girl I called her Eleanor that was her name .... and then I looked at her. Eleanor was NOT her name! It didn't suit her at all.

Haha yes, mine was going to be Eilidh. She is not.

I think most people do decide names in advance and then just go with it though as I got some disapproval from more than one midwife for not having a name by day 2.

Some very snarky replies on here.

We found out. I don't understand people who say they wanted a surprise - it's a surprise no matter what stage you find out.

We didn't do a gender reveal (we didn't even tell anybody that we knew what we were having).
We bought neutral clothes and neutral baby furniture.
We didn't decide on a name until after dc was born.

I wanted to find out because it took us years and multiple treatments to get pregnant and so I was in a state of pretty much constant anxiety for the whole 9 months. Knowing what I was having was just one less thing to get my head around for labour. In the end, it got a bit hairy and I needed an emergency section and by the time dc was born, I had been awake for 30 hours so I was really glad that I knew in advance.

@SweetJasmine17 I kinda agree with you. I have one of each and they have access to 99% of each other's toys most of which are really rather neutral.

Despite this my son mostly plays with trains and my daughter dolls.

I let them pick the colour of their rooms. Son chose green, daughter pink.

I found out with both of mine as I just needed to know. My anxiety is sky high in early pregnancy, but getting to the point of finding out the sex has always made me feel more connected to the pregnancy and actually accept that a baby is on the way. I also liked be able to say he and she rather than it. I've never been able to name my babies before I've met them though.

Knowing took nothing away from the first moments I held them. I just remember looking at my son and thinking, "I know you; you make sense." Felt like like meeting an old friend; something new and yet so familiar about it all at the same time. Best moment of my life.

Also just wanted to add, when we did the birth plan with the midwife she asked if I'd like DH to tell me baby's sex when they arrived, and I said yes without thinking much of it.

So it was DH that told me we'd had a little boy, when he came out and that was a really lovely thing, thinking about it in hindsight.

We had a surprise with our first- one of the few surprises left in life and we really didn't have a preference to work to/around. From the reaction of the various medics who were joining in with guessing it did seem like it was a bit of a novelty to have an unknown, but reading on here it seems a lot more common to not find out than I'd thought.

We did find out this time but for two reasons- to make it a bit more tangible for DD, and so that I could go through the mountains of clothes to work out what we needed to keep and what could be rehomed. We have a lot of unisex stuff by choice but were given a lot of really girly things. I have no worries about putting a boy in pink but my line is drawn at some of the super-pretty dresses etc that we were given. As it turned out I've just filtered the smallest stuff for anything completely the wrong season and have passed that on to the local refuge, so I'm glad we found it this time just as much as I'm glad we didn't the first time.

For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival
How? Apart from buying a lot of awful stereotyped clothing?

I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter
I hope you haven’t expressed this opinion to anyone in your real life? I’m currently pregnant and not found out the sex, and I can build the same band you can by referring to them in anyway shape or form. I don’t think you’re meaning to come across as offensive by inferring that someone couldn’t possibly bond with a child they’re growing inside their own body because they don’t know if they’ve got a penis or a vagina, but you are. And incredibly sanctimonious and naive.

Some people like a surprise but, like you op, many do want to know.
I wouldn't have liked others, ie medics, knowing the sex of my unborn child when I didn't, so I am with you on this one.

As long as you let them have the choice when their old enough to have a preference who cares? Not everything has to be about breaking gender norms and being revolutionary.

It is not a choice if you have spent that child's key developmental period and subsequent years telling her "this is what girls like". You have restricted the development of their brain. Choices do not occur in a vacuum.

There is nothing revolutionary about prioritising the needs of a child to develop free from toxic stereotypes and without having their life and choices curtailed by their parent's oppressive ideas.

Parents have a responsibility to foster their child's healthy development and open the world up to them, not close it off into a princess box.

"Blue is for boys, pink is for girls" is a fashion. Blue used to be the preferred colour for girls.

You're limiting your child's life based on your desire to be a slave to fashion. That's not appropriate parenting and people are perfectly entitled to challenge it without being called hateful.

Just because someone disagreeing with you or pointing out your faulty thinking makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn't mean they've said anything wrong. Mud-slinging in an effort to silence them does not bolster your argument.

Scans can be wrong. Imagine buying a lot of frilly pink crap and having a boy