To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

[pearlsandpetals]

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

[quote PopcornAndWine]@aSofaNearYou And also no-one has yet answered my question about why they have an opinion at all about what other people do. Choosing to wait - totally get that; calling people who find out "odd", saying they must be "obsessed with the gender", saying you "don't understand why anyone wouldn't wait".... those attitudes I don't get at all! [/quote]
I agree!

What's with the false dichotomy of "it's more important to know baby is healthy". No sonographer, ever, anywhere, has said "you can either know if the baby is healthy or what sex it is, but I won't tell you both".

[quote lostandlonely20]@tiredmama2020 - I guess everyone is different. I was pregnant last year and did what people usually do - didn't' tell anyone until after my 12 week scan, didn't buy anything, didn't find out the sex etc and then my baby died at 19 weeks. Finding out his sex after I'd given birth was actually an unexpectedly important moment for me, it was one of the only things I could know about him.

When I got pregnant again I told everyone as soon as I found out - none of the the superstitions I stuck to the first time round made any difference as to how healthy that baby was, and if something went wrong I would have told everyone anyway. This time I wanted to enjoy every moment of the new pregnancy, and for my family and friends to share that joy with me.[/quote]
So sorry for your loss lostandlonely. I lost my third child at 16 weeks 6 years ago this summer. We had waited nervously for the results of CVS before announcing at 13 weeks, thinking danger had passed, only to be shocked by the full CVS result 2 weeks later which was bad news.

Re finding out the sex, it just goes to show how circumstances are all different because when I had my baby although I wanted to bond I didn't want to know the sex as I thought knowing exactly what I had lost would make it more painful. At that particular stage of my grief I couldn't handle it. However a consultant told me by accident 6 weeks later when telling me about the post mortem results. And I'm quite happy I found out now; I had 2 boys already and I was going to have another boy. At least I could fend off crass comments from my MIL about how 'some people can't carry girls' which she'd already started on!.

I hope you are managing ok after your loss.

And of course I hope all is/was well with your next pregnancy.

I didn't need to know my baby's sex to 'prepare'. Why would I?

The anomaly scan is so-named for a reason. It's not 'the-scan-to-find-out-if-I'm-having-a-boy-or-a-girl'. After sustaining a succession of losses I was terrified at mine, and with good reason. The only thing I cared about was reassurance about my child's health. It didn't even occur to me to ask about the sex and the sonographer didn't volunteer that information.

I don't go for the blue/pink distinction in any way, though. Probably just as well. Several times the sex of my baby was 'assumed' on account of our having a purple pram.

No, I didn't get it, either.

@lostandlonely20 I am so sorry. I've been where you are now. It's terribly sad, and pregnancy after experiencing something like this is a terrifying experience. Sending empathy to you

We had a ten year age gap, we'd have, several losses also. We gave my child the option to find out (sonographer wrote it down and sealed in envelope) child chose to open on Christmas day! A lovely gift for us all, a moment I will remember, and helped child to bond. I wouldn't have minded either way! Everyone has different reasons. This was right for our family x

When I had mine there was a ban at the time on the NHS telling us. Due to one section of the community having too many girl abortions, it was banned for all to be told.

That is really lovely

The really lovely post was meant to be in response to Whatevernext letting their child decide and finding out on Xmas day

Best surprise in the world finding out the sex as the baby is born! Way better than being told by a sonographer. And I have an amazing bond with my baby boy!

Having done it both ways, I would recommend not finding out. It didn't make bonding easier or preparing for the arrival of my baby. With DC1, I didn't know and phoned everyone telling them we had our baby boy. With DC2, I knew and it seemed a big anti climax when I phone saying he's arrived.

@ConfusedCarrie

Having done it both ways, I would recommend not finding out. It didn't make bonding easier or preparing for the arrival of my baby. With DC1, I didn't know and phoned everyone telling them we had our baby boy. With DC2, I knew and it seemed a big anti climax when I phone saying he's arrived.

I can't help but feel this must be your own projection, because I honestly have never cared enough about the sex of somebody else's baby to be more excited about that than just the fact that the baby had arrived.

I don’t know if anyone else remembers (and it could have been a troll post for all I know).

Someone posted in the pregnancy board disgusted that the sonographer hadn’t been able to tell baby’s sex at the 20 weeks scan (think baby was in the wrong position) and wanted to demand the NHS provide her with another scan so they could know! Queue a load of replies pointing out it’s an anomaly scan, not a gender scan and she was being entirely unreasonable. It was hilarious!

Wow. I've just opened this thread and the amount of hatred in the first comments towards finding out gender is astounding! There is nothing wrong with wanting a surprise or wanting to know! Live and let live for goodness sake 🤷🏻‍♀️ is it harming anyone? No!

@Mustangmolly

Wow. I've just opened this thread and the amount of hatred in the first comments towards finding out gender is astounding! There is nothing wrong with wanting a surprise or wanting to know! Live and let live for goodness sake 🤷🏻‍♀️ is it harming anyone? No!

You'd really think so, wouldn't you? Not in Mumsnet world though it seems

[quote lostandlonely20]@tiredmama2020 - I guess everyone is different. I was pregnant last year and did what people usually do - didn't' tell anyone until after my 12 week scan, didn't buy anything, didn't find out the sex etc and then my baby died at 19 weeks. Finding out his sex after I'd given birth was actually an unexpectedly important moment for me, it was one of the only things I could know about him.

When I got pregnant again I told everyone as soon as I found out - none of the the superstitions I stuck to the first time round made any difference as to how healthy that baby was, and if something went wrong I would have told everyone anyway. This time I wanted to enjoy every moment of the new pregnancy, and for my family and friends to share that joy with me.[/quote]
@lostandlonely20 I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely boy You’re right - everyone is completely different. I think that’s the thing with pregnancy and having children - nobody’s journey to getting there is the exact same and nobody’s views on things are the exact same! It’s definitely a time in life where you just have to focus on trying to do what feels right for you and your family and try not to take notice of outside opinions!

I can’t believe this thread is still going. Why?! Everyone has different feelings ans opinions on the subject. What is right for me, isn’t right for someone else.

I'd never find out the sex until the birth as I think it's far nicer to find out when your baby is right there in the room or in your arms all being well, and not just on a screen.
I don't agree with being more prepared if you know what you're having.
I wouldn't get anything until as late as possible anyway. I'm superstitious and wouldnt even have baby stuff in the house. We got it as late as we could, the month before my due date. All we had at home was what we needed for the hospital, the other few big things we got were at my mums until after the baby was born. Also we only got the bare minimum of what we needed as we didn't want to find out the sex until the birth. All we had before was what we needed to have to take to hospital. Everything else we got after when we knew if we were buying for a boy or a girl.
I'd never set anything up either.
Our baby was not well when he was born and was in NICU for 12 days. Walking out the hospital with an empty car seat was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Then at home going into the bedroom seeing the empty space where the crib should have been was hard enough, if everything (crib, pram, toys, changing stuff, clothes were there set up it would have been even harder.
Plus I hate nurseries anyway, they're not necessary at all imo, so no need to set anything up.
I just don't see the need to know ASAP. It's the best surprise you can have I think.

I didn’t find out with my first mainly due to lots of family members telling me how amazing it is to find out at birth

I didn’t mind what I had but I had PND and feel I didn’t bond at all in those early days

Second time I knew I wanted to have the best chance possible to bond with baby so I told everyone I was finding out at the scan.
Once again I didn’t mind what I had

Second baby is now a year old and I had bonded before they arrived and I felt generally far better afterwards too

I regret listening to so many people telling me how amazing it is finding out on the day of birth

It wasn’t amazing. I was exhausted and don’t even remember being told. I didn’t care whether it was a boy or girl when baby was delivered I just cared that they had finally arrived and were alive and I was still alive

It also made no difference either time to preparations in the form of buying baby supplies as I only bought the actual necessities both times right towards the end and then sent DH out for anything we found we needed after baby was born

I didn’t buy bottles, steriliser, pump as both times my plan was to not use them unless I decided I wanted to or needed to afterwards

First time DH went to buy them the day after getting home from hospital and second time we didn’t need them

We also found both times we didn’t really need any clothes apart from a few basic vests and sleep suits.

People gave us so many lovely clothes that we ended up with plenty, but it’s still far easier to dress a baby in a sleep suit for most of the first year

@ImbarbaraB

I didn’t find out with my first mainly due to lots of family members telling me how amazing it is to find out at birth

I didn’t mind what I had but I had PND and feel I didn’t bond at all in those early days

Second time I knew I wanted to have the best chance possible to bond with baby so I told everyone I was finding out at the scan.
Once again I didn’t mind what I had

Second baby is now a year old and I had bonded before they arrived and I felt generally far better afterwards too

I regret listening to so many people telling me how amazing it is finding out on the day of birth

It wasn’t amazing. I was exhausted and don’t even remember being told. I didn’t care whether it was a boy or girl when baby was delivered I just cared that they had finally arrived and were alive and I was still alive

This is exactly my experienceexcept I'm still working through PND with my first. If I am brave enough and lucky enough to do it all again, I would love to find out the sex to start the bonding sooner. I'm glad this worked for you! Thanks for sharing

[quote Pumpkinbrew]@LittleBlackCat22 I see you decided not to quote what I had posted regarding losing several babies hence why finding out the sex is not important to me.

Instead you have decided to nitpick and claim I'm "fucking offensive" aha.

I had commented with my thoughts about what the OP was about regarding finding out the sex and therefore apparently being prepared for baby.

@Trinacham where exactly did I state that supposedly nobody cares about the health of their baby seeing how you decided to quote a little bit of my post.

Honestly, these threads go one way or the other. But if you're going to become ranty and find something supposedly "fucking offensive" in a post about finding out a baby's sex then I would say this isn't the thread for you.[/quote]
so I don't know what post you are referring to as I can't find it - has your post that I quoted been deleted by any chance?

As for being 'ranty' you are the one swearing and typing in a manner which suggests you aren't in a good mood, not me.

@Whatevernext33 that is so absolutely lovely!x

Because finding out at the moment they are born is far better than being told by a doctor after a scan. I remember it to this day and it still brings me joy reimagining that moment.