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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:

Danxoie · 08/07/2021 15:11

I'm 33 weeks pregnant and we haven't found out. I believe I've bonded with my baby just as much as those who find out the sex. I love baby unconditionally already whether they are a boy or girl they are my little baby. Finding out if they were a boy or girl would not have made me love them more/less.

Years ago it wasn't even an option to find out the sex. I feel like in present day everything has to be planned and everything has to be a massive over the top occasion, gender reveals, baby showers etc. I just cannot wait to go through all the pain and know at the end I'll find out what my little surprise is.

Letsplough · 08/07/2021 15:11

I've had 3 children & didn't find out the sex of any, it's just not important to me.

SweetJasmine17 · 08/07/2021 15:12

@takemehometoasda

How does it help you "prepare" better for their arrival or imagine their personality/life choices unless you're planning to force a bunch of stereotypes on your child from the moment they're born?

Is that what you mean? You want notice so you can narrow their life down to pink and dolls or blue and cars?

This might be an unpopular opinion but there's nothing wrong with Boyd having blue and pink for girls etc.

Firstly for babies, it helps people identify their sex. But I also don't see what's wrong in doing up a princess room for a girl and vice versa

My DD loves Disney and all that. The important thing is she's allowed to choose any toys she wants- it's not forced. As long as you let them have the choice when their old enough to have a preference who cares? Not everything has to be about breaking gender norms and being revolutionary.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:12

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Even if they’re not healthy it’s ok.

Maybe in your case you found it OK. In lots of others experiences, including my own, it really wasn't ok. "As long as the baby is healthy" is a completely valid thing to say.

I am sorry your experience wasn’t ok. I haven’t indicated the nature of or extent of my child’s disability. All I’ve asked is that the use of the language be considered.

Again, I’m sorry that your experience wasn’t ok. Neither was mine as it happens and even more so, neither was my child’s.

NainAGP · 08/07/2021 15:13

Mine were born before parents had that option, but even so, waiting to find out was the main thing keeping me going during long painful labours.

iamalighthouse · 08/07/2021 15:14

I didn't care...I spent most of my pregnancy with HG..it was a real struggle most of the time. DH painted the nursery green....but my fav colour is green so it would have been green whatever.

midgemagneto · 08/07/2021 15:14

So you know your dd loved Disney herself and not because she knows that is how you like her to be ?

Neuroscience has come on

Original poster

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 15:15

@smallbutnottinykitten sorry but are you always this rude? My post was not meant for people to be hateful, I was just interested in hearing other people's thoughts.

OP posts:

Isitpossi · 08/07/2021 15:16

Because parenting is full of having to be patient

Because babies are the same boy or girl

Because there’s not a lot of happy surprises in life

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 08/07/2021 15:16

The first we knew it was a girl.
The second, they couldn't tell at the scan due to their antics.
It was nice knowing first time round. It was amazing ringing DH to tell him he had a little daughter. (Away with army. He was informed through proper channels the baby was born, then I got to tell him it was a girl)

Original poster

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 15:16

@midgemagneto it means we can refer to them by their actual name and not just 'the baby'. That does make me feel closer and I'm sorry if you find that weird.

OP posts:

Zhx3 · 08/07/2021 15:18

I didn't find out with my first two because I didn't really mind either way. It was a nice surprise when they were born. It also meant that there were no gendered expectations from anyone else before they were born, so we didn't have piles of pink or blue stuff (that all arrived after birth!).

sociallydistained · 08/07/2021 15:18

I’m not finding out. Imagine that moment after all the hard work when your son or daughter is placed into your arms. That’s what I want. A surprise

Metallicalover · 08/07/2021 15:18

As long as the baby was healthy that's all that matters!
I couldn't give a hoot if the baby had a penis or not! It's our baby and that's that!
It wouldn't make us bond better with a baby knowing what genitals it had!
Either way they were having a baby blue room!
I don't give a hoot about people's 'reveals' either! I'll either go 'yay it's a boy' or 'yay it's a girl' and it's the same reaction for both! As long as Mam and baby are good! Im happy with that!

Kentuki · 08/07/2021 15:18

I’m a midwife and that moment when couples find out after the hard work of labour just looked so overwhelmingly wonderful. They always seemed thrilled as well, whereas women who already know do express disappointment in antenatal appointments sometimes (not at birth, that I have seen).

For me it was one of life’s mysteries, and I felt I met my babies properly when I held them for the first time, felt them, smelled them and found out their sex. Just all part of that moment.

DisgruntledPelican · 08/07/2021 15:18

I wanted to know so that I could refer to ‘my son/daughter’ - I had no preference or disappointment, and it had no impact on preparation. My pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected though so I think I wanted to know just to make it seem more tangible.

I can see why people like a surprise, though, especially if it is a planned and longed-for pregnancy.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:18

What do you know about your child by finding out the sex? You know their genitals.

You don’t know if They will like pasta or hate curry, be good at science or languages, like to climb trees, dye their hair purple when they’re 18, pick their nose in the back row of the school play, hate peppa, love peppa, drive you nuts with playing the guitar, hate sport, love sport, Mitch school on a Friday to go for coffee with their mates.

You know nothing beyond their genitalia which actually tells you very little about them .

Charleymouse · 08/07/2021 15:19

When pregnant someone suggested it gives you something to focus on when giving birth.
You get to a stage when you want to give up and go home. They said it had helped them push on and through to meet their new baby. Not knowing the sex gave them a motivation to find out and only way to find out is to push that baby out of you.

MeadowHay · 08/07/2021 15:19

My main reason is that frankly I don't really care. I just have no real interest in knowing their sex, it makes absolutely no difference to me or how I feel/will feel about them so I can't see the point in finding out before they've even arrived.

The secondary reason is to limit the amount of heavily stereotypical clothes etc we are bought in advance of the baby even being born. This did work somewhat with my first although obviously people did still then go out and buy things for them after they were born once they knew the sex.

I think your points are funny tho OP. Nothing wrong with wanting to know but I'm not sure how knowing the sex can 'help you to prepare better' unless all you mean by that is 'helps me to buy stereotypically gendered clothing', which wasn't something I particularly wanted to do anyway. I also disagree completely that knowing the sex improves your bond and saying that is offensive because the flip side is that those of us who don't find out before birth don't have as good a bond with our unborn babies which is . Although in my case I don't tend to bond heavily with the baby until they're born anyway and there's nothing wrong with that anyway, doesn't mean we don't create a strong bond once they've actually arrived. Also imagining what your child will be like made me giggle. They won't be how you imagine, I can promise you. I find it's best to avoid doing that wherever possible so you don't set yourself up for expectations that aren't going to be met.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 08/07/2021 15:19

The risk of setting yourself up for disappointment - spending months projecting your hopes & expectations on to a little baby who is brand new to the world and who might be nothing like what you have imagined & dreamt.

This baby is a tiny person growing inside of you, I can't see how knowing what sex they are influences your ability to bond with it.

Just enjoy the months of having two hearts & a tiny fully formed human skeleton growing inside you & living off your blood

cleanasawhistle · 08/07/2021 15:20

I just wanted a suprise.
Loved the first time of giving birth and being handed my baby and having a look for myself........did same with 2nd.

Each to there own.

Skybluepinkgiraffe · 08/07/2021 15:20

I wonder if it's because people aren't very good at waiting for anything anymore.
Traditionally you didn't even know you were pregnant till you'd missed a period. Due dates were based around the first day of your last period, so that wasn't necessarily accurate either.
Recently we've become very used to instant gratification. I think perhaps choosing not to learn the sex prior to birth is an attempt to hark back to previous times just a bit.
There's something lovely about 'she had a little girl/boy' after a baby is born when people ask.
I'm old skool though. DH rang our mums from the hospital payphone, I rang a few friends and then we send out little birth announcement cards with name, date of birth and baby's weight.
Having said all that, I'd find it hard not to know as it's so simple to find out! I think I'd keep it quiet if I did though.

Originaltiles · 08/07/2021 15:21

I wanted to know as I wanted a boy so would have had time to get used to the idea of a girl. I had a boy

Waspie · 08/07/2021 15:21

I didn't find out the sex because, for personal reasons, it did matter to me. I realise that sounds bad but I have a difficult relationship with my mother and I got it into my head that if I had a girl we would replay the same dynamic. I didn't want to be worrying about it throughout my pregnancy so I asked not to be told.

My son is 13 now and my mum still thinks that I knew his sex before his birth and just didn't tell her (because I'm difficult apparently).

Plus, I didn't want loads of pink or blue themed presents with those horrific cutesy sayings all over them.

1forAll74 · 08/07/2021 15:22

It had to be like this when I had my children in the 1970's. as there were no scans then. So a surprise was nice. People were always buying me white babygro's.! Even my late Mum, who was a prolific knitter, knitted all white things for a forthcoming baby at first.

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