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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 08/07/2021 15:40

I didn't find out because I wanted a surprise. Plus what difference does finding out make?

My DD likes transport and talks a lot but I wouldn't have found that out from knowing her sex before she was born.

Notthissticky · 08/07/2021 15:40

@Smallbutnottinykitten

Even if they’re not healthy it’s ok.

My eldest has a disability that we didn’t discover til after they were born and I’m very careful with the “as long as it’s healthy” language as a result.

I agree with this 100%. DS1 was poorly after he was born and then frequently in his first 18 months. I didn't love him any less for it!
Elune · 08/07/2021 15:40

I suppose the anticipation of months of wondering and having to wait until the day. It’s a huge part of the experience because you’ve not planned either way so Id say it adds another dimension of excitement

Yes, I suppose that's true. The actual birth was more than enough excitement for me, plus with all the chaos I'm not sure it would have been as nice as experience as the way we did find out her sex, as I had an emergency section and it was a bit fraught. But I can see how for some people it might! Maybe we shouldn't find out with this one, just to see what that's like! Although not sure my inner control freak will allow ...

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 08/07/2021 15:40

I cannot have a baby without help, so my pregnancy, if I'm lucky enough to have one, will be fraught with anxiety and I'll never have a happy surprise of finding out I'm pregnant, instead I'll be tested on various days for various things.

Not finding out the sex, to me at least, will be the exciting mystery that I'll never have with my conception journey 😌. After being tested and assessed just to get pregnant, it will be nice to have the sex as a little surprise at the end.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:41

If the sex didn’t matter to you you wouldn’t want to find out.

inappropriateraspberry · 08/07/2021 15:41

Saying it's still a surprise if you find out at the scan is like saying it's still a surprise finding out what your Xmas presents are weeks early. The actual day itself loses some of the expectation and fun, surely?

roarfeckingroarr · 08/07/2021 15:41

You'll find out the sex

roarfeckingroarr · 08/07/2021 15:42

I want the surprise with next baby. I found out with DS.

TotorosCatBus · 08/07/2021 15:43

Finding out 20 weeks later isn't going to affect bonding 🙄 sometimes the sonographer can't (or won't ) tell and people might rather spend the money for a sexing scan on something else.
It's nice to know if you're going to shop for pink or blue and I see the point of finding out sooner rather than later if there's a preference so you can deal with it before the birth.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/07/2021 15:44

I'm not sure the OP is saying people who find out have a closer bond with their children once they're here. I took it to mean that it can help the mother feel bonded more in pregnancy, if this is something they struggled with. That's how I read it but maybe I'm being influenced by how I felt (I hated being pregnant and felt like I had an alien growing inside of me, picturing it as a person helped. And when I picture people I do tend to categorise them by male / female amongst other things).

Also whilst it doesnt matter as such what the sex is, it's still something everyone asks about a baby as there isnt that much else to ask about them when they are born other than weight and health

Elune · 08/07/2021 15:44

@inappropriateraspberry

Saying it's still a surprise if you find out at the scan is like saying it's still a surprise finding out what your Xmas presents are weeks early. The actual day itself loses some of the expectation and fun, surely?
I honestly don't think that's true of something like having a baby. It's hardly like unwrapping a Christmas present! I think the elation, joy and rush of hormones you get when your baby is born is exactly the same whether you know the sex or not, quite frankly. I don't think either way is a diminished or improved experience.
Jellyred · 08/07/2021 15:44

I had lots and lots of IVF and losses.

After so much intervention, we didn’t want to know the sex and had a nickname for baby (think billy) so we didn’t have to refer to it or baby.

DH telling me… I don’t think I have the words for it, but it’s a cherished moment.

We are in the unusual position of knowing the sex of our remaining yet to be transferred embryo which is strange.

Overall each time their own but I do find unknown birth announcements more exciting, my family ran a sweepstake for mine 😁, whereas for my cousin we had known sex and name for months.

Ughmaybenot · 08/07/2021 15:44

Honestly I really thought, before getting pregnant, that I’d be desperate to know, that it would make DH feel like he could bond better by knowing a bit more about our little person etc etc… but it came to, and neither of us wanted to be told in the scan. She wrote it down for us but we won’t look.
There’s so few true joyful surprises and this has to be one of the most lovely. No judgment either way, it just felt right for us to keep it a surprise for the big day 😊

TotorosCatBus · 08/07/2021 15:44

Sometimes the scan is wrong so safer to see if you have a boy or girl in person

cindarellasbelly · 08/07/2021 15:45

I thought I didn't want to know: partly out of superstition, partly because some people had talked about the 'surprise'. Then we had NIPT screening and decided to tell them to put it in the letter so we could open it if we changed our mind (they were ringing us with the actual screening results) but they ended up telling us over the phone by mistake.

I'm actually really glad: birth was a bit, though not majorly traumatic, and meeting her was enough of a surprise. Seeing how long she was, seeing what a real person she was. Seeing how she really didn't look like one of the names we'd picked! I don't think I would have absorbed it properly otherwise. We both wanted to find out this time in part so we can prepare our daughter in case she were to fixate on wanting a sister or brother.

Bibidy · 08/07/2021 15:45

My DP says he wouldn't want to know as he wants the surprise.

I personally feel more like you OP, and to me the surprise is the same whether you find out at the scan or at birth...it's not like you've chosen the sex in the first place, which would mean it wasn't a surprise.

I also worry I'd definitely have a feeling I was carrying one or the other and it would be a bit of a shock for me at the birth if it turned out not to be the case. Obviously it would be fine and I'd still be thrilled, but it would be an adjustment. Plus we wouldn't have to be fighting over a load of names that turn out not to matter!

Obvs I'd respect my DP's preference to to find out and it will be a lovely surprise but I would definitely find out if it was just up to me.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 15:46

@Smallbutnottinykitten I have explained that this because I want to be able to refer to my baby as my son or daughter, and he or she instead of it. I am aware that they may choose to identify differently when they're older and I would fully support that but for the meantime I would love to know one thing about them. The birth and meeting my child will be an amazing experience regardless of whether I know their sex. Ultimately though, my main concern is that they are happy and healthy.

OP posts:
NeedAHoliday123 · 08/07/2021 15:46

@pearlsandpetals I agree with you.

I can see why people wait for the surprise and think that's lovely.

Personally I wanted to find out the gender just so I knew! I didn't mind if I had a boy or girl, and it wasn't just so I could buy pink or blue clothes, I just wanted to know in advance and personally I don't see the problem with that!

I had a little boy - I still bought many neutral coloured clothes (I think grey looks lovely on boys and girls). And if I had another I would find out again. I loved being able to refer to him as 'him' from 20 weeks as it made it feel more real to me than saying 'it' all the time.

It's personal preference and we're lucky nowadays that we have the chance to find out if we want to!

Elune · 08/07/2021 15:47

@cindarellasbelly

I thought I didn't want to know: partly out of superstition, partly because some people had talked about the 'surprise'. Then we had NIPT screening and decided to tell them to put it in the letter so we could open it if we changed our mind (they were ringing us with the actual screening results) but they ended up telling us over the phone by mistake.

I'm actually really glad: birth was a bit, though not majorly traumatic, and meeting her was enough of a surprise. Seeing how long she was, seeing what a real person she was. Seeing how she really didn't look like one of the names we'd picked! I don't think I would have absorbed it properly otherwise. We both wanted to find out this time in part so we can prepare our daughter in case she were to fixate on wanting a sister or brother.

That's a good point actually. DD doesn't know I'm pregnant yet but she talks a lot about having a baby sister, so I wonder if finding out would be a good idea in case it's a boy and we need to spend some time adjusting her expectations! 😬
WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 08/07/2021 15:47

As usual there is a massive pile on. Op, for future reference avoid starting sex threads. Everyone will be a cunt to you. They’ll tell you you should dress children in lovely unisex burlap sacks and give them no cars or dolls or vicious animal soft toys or overly tame/cute animal soft toys. (For example no sharks and no bunnies).

Peachi82 · 08/07/2021 15:47

Nothing wrong either way.

We didn't want tm find pit because we really didn't care. The surprise however was immense!
I always found it very weird how much not knowing did bother everyone else and there was not a single day where we weren't asked.

We will stay surprise all the way.

QwertyGirly · 08/07/2021 15:47

I'm actually very touched by some of the stories that came out of this thread, especially those who had miscarriages. Flowers

I remember with DC2 we were encouraged to do a nuchal fold scan because of my age and the blood test that we did (can't remember what it's called now). We refused the scan because it didn't matter to us if DC would have Down's Syndrome. Sorry slightly off track.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 08/07/2021 15:47

Because I really don't care about the sex either way? It will be a lovely surprise either way. We'll love it the same if its a boy or a girl.

And also, the immature child inside of me enjoys answering people who ask if I know what I'm having with 'A Baby!'

I8toys · 08/07/2021 15:47

I always wonder why people want to know. You go through labour not knowing - excited to find out after pain and agony. If you already know it takes the excitement out of it. One of my overriding memories is pulling the umblical aside and a little willie being there.

NeedAHoliday123 · 08/07/2021 15:48

Oh and when he was delivered I was in theatre and half out of it (strong epidural after complications) so I wouldn't have had/enjoyed the lovely 'surprise' moment with my husband!