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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
Babymamma192 · 08/07/2021 15:02

I found out with my first (dd) as I wanted to decorate the room and didn't want to do it neutral.

Found out with my second because we only have two bedrooms so would have started looking to move if the baby was the opposite sex.

If I have a third baby I won't be finding out the sex! Kinda wish I'd had a suprise the first two times!!

imaginethemdragons · 08/07/2021 15:02

After 7 years of trying, multiple miscarriages we gave up.
We just couldn’t go through any more.
But then, out of the blue, totally unexpectedly I found I was yet again pregnant.

This pregnancy progressed, frequently scanned, amniocentesis performed, we could have found out at any time.
But oh my god, this was the biggest HUGEST and best surprise ever so we held onto that until the birth.
There are few grand surprises in life, Mother Nature gave us this one so we went along with her!
SmileGrin

aimss4777 · 08/07/2021 15:02

Currently 35 weeks and haven't found out! For us it's just going to be the most amazing surprise, we really aren't fussed either way apart from him wanting boy and me girl lol!

I don't feel like it's affected my bond with them at all but I do see what you mean, I often talk my bump about how excited we are to finally find out! Just fun and games for us, haven't struggled with clothes or anything at all, not long left and we'll know :)

Rainbowsew · 08/07/2021 15:03

I wanted a surprise!

I wouldn't have treated the baby any differently whether boy or girl. The nursery was always going to be pale blue with stars and moons. I wouldn't have bought pink or dresses even if knew it was a girl during pregnancy.

Oneborneverydecade · 08/07/2021 15:03

We didn't find out with DS1 or DS2 but did with DD1 (mostly because we thought we saw female genitals during the scan, and didn't want to wonder for 20 weeks). With hindsight I think I prefer not knowing.
Babies look lovely in neutral colours.

inappropriateraspberry · 08/07/2021 15:03

Also, how does it help you prepare? You buy baby clothes, Moses basket, pram etc whether it's a boy or a girl, surely?

everybodysang · 08/07/2021 15:04

Really wanted the surprise. Also... although I wouldn't have dreamed of admitting it, I really wanted a girl. And not knowing gave me time to consider how I'd feel either way and really be prepared for either.

As it turned out we both nearly died and I found out she was a girl when someone said "she's having some trouble breathing" which wasn't quite how I'd imagined it... but that's when I realised I really didn't care if I was having a boy or a girl.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:04

Even if they’re not healthy it’s ok.

My eldest has a disability that we didn’t discover til after they were born and I’m very careful with the “as long as it’s healthy” language as a result.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 08/07/2021 15:05

Because I wanted a surprise.

Because you can know everything about the baby, sex, 4D scan, tell everyone the name before they’ve even arrived. What else is left to announce apart from ‘they’re here’. Nothing is a surprise anymore.

Also, what if they got it wrong…

Kinneddar · 08/07/2021 15:06

My brother & SIL decided against finding out the sex of both their children. Even if they had known I wouldn't have wanted to be told.

It was so much nicer when I got the phone call of finding out the sex, name etc

One of my.closest friends found out she was having a boy and they chose his name and referred to him as it from her 20 week scan onwards. Apart from the fact it made me feel uncomfortable there wasn't the same excitement when her husband contacted me to say the baby had arrived.

I dont see how knowing the baby's sex allows you to prepare better. Does having a drawer full of pink or blue really mean you're better prepared than someone with a drawer of neutral colours

AliasGrape · 08/07/2021 15:06

I wanted a surprise. I don't think you get many genuine surprises in life.

I didn't want to feel disappointed or build up any big preconceived ideas of what the baby would be like, I knew I'd love.them and really not care once they were born but I was an anxious wreck through pregnancy and didn't want to give myself chance to overthink it basically.

Cloudninenine · 08/07/2021 15:06

I had a few reasons!

  1. I liked the idea of it being unknown until the birth - it felt more exciting to me
  1. I have several relatives who would have drowned me in naff tat with slogans about being mummy’s little girl / boy etc and I just didn’t want it
  1. I don’t like how many assumptions people make based on the sex of a baby, before they’re even born
  1. It’s probably the least interesting thing about them, but finding out in advance gives it unnecessary significance

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with finding out if you want to, but those were my reasons for not.

Cantdoitallperfectly · 08/07/2021 15:06

I wanted the surprise and joy of finding out when they were born, I didn't actually realise that I'd had a girl until after a couple of minutes after she had been delivered then remembered to ask (looong labour and they had told me I obviously didn't take it in!) I was just so relieved she was out. It made no difference to me and I would have been happy with a boy or girl. I think some people do want a particular sex (one of my friends was desperate for a girl so they found out).

And it truly is a lovely moment to find out when they arrive! Good luck with your pregnancy.

Twizbe · 08/07/2021 15:07

I wanted the surprise, it's a bit like finding out what you're getting for Christmas, still nice but less exciting to unwrap.

I also knew I wanted more than one child so wanted to ensure I brought as much as could be reused as possible. Not knowing meant I wasn't tempted by the cute girl/boy things or got anything too gendered one way or another

Finally I really really wanted a boy both times. At 20 weeks I wasn't bonded enough to not feel disappointed if baby was a girl. I knew at birth I wouldn't care. I have one of each abs the moments my DH told me what we had were the best moments of my life. I adored my daughter on first sight.

ghostyslovesheets · 08/07/2021 15:08

I found out with my 3 - because each one had been preceded by a loss - three in the case of DD3 and needed to bond with this little human as I was quiet traumatised by the MC's

It's STILL a surprise by the way - and joyful!

Not everyone wants to know - we are all different but there isn;t a right or wrong

GoldenOmber · 08/07/2021 15:08

Because I wouldn’t have done/bought anything different, and because I felt like knowing if they were a boy or a girl meant I’d be viewing them through that lens even before they were born, whether I meant to or not.

My DD had lots of my family sure she’d be a bit because she was big and really active. So I got jokes about “kicks like that he’ll be a footballer!” and “typical boy, so much energy.” I like that I got to know her as a person a bit first without worrying I’d be imposing any subconscious ideas about boys or girls on her.

Original poster
pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 15:08

Just to clarify, because a lot of people are saying "it doesn't matter". Obviously I feel this way and I expect most people who chose to find out the sex of their baby care don't care as long as they are healthy. It's just lovely to know. I personally don't think I would be any more excited or happy after giving birth if I didn't know the sex and it was a complete surprise, I would just be over the moon either way. It just would make me feel closer to my baby during pregnancy knowing that I know at least one thing about who they are going to be.

OP posts:
takemehometoasda · 08/07/2021 15:08

How does it help you "prepare" better for their arrival or imagine their personality/life choices unless you're planning to force a bunch of stereotypes on your child from the moment they're born?

Is that what you mean? You want notice so you can narrow their life down to pink and dolls or blue and cars?

Twizbe · 08/07/2021 15:09

Also for some of my friends I've known the sex, name and date of birth in advance of the baby coming. The weight isn't the most interesting thing to be surprised by.

Much more fun to guess

BlueyIsMyBae · 08/07/2021 15:09

We wanted the surprise. I didn't feel like I needed to 'prepare' by buying loads of blue / pink stuff. All that really mattered was a healthy baby.

midgemagneto · 08/07/2021 15:09

I wanted a surprise

I didn't want my advance knowledge of the child sex affect how I thought about them, I wanted to let their personality dictate that. I am self aware enough to know that gender stereotypes are hard to avoid

There is nothing I needed to prepare that depended on the child sex

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 08/07/2021 15:09

Even if they’re not healthy it’s ok.

Maybe in your case you found it OK. In lots of others experiences, including my own, it really wasn't ok. "As long as the baby is healthy" is a completely valid thing to say.

Smallbutnottinykitten · 08/07/2021 15:10

Please consider your use of the “as long as they’re healthy”.

You know fuck all about who they’re going to be by knowing their sex. Unless you subscribe to sexist gendered thinking that girls can’t do this and boys do the other?

burritofan · 08/07/2021 15:10

I wanted the surprise. I didn’t want to pre-judge or pre-speculate what they might be like based on ingrained stereotyping that’s hard to shake off. I wanted to meet him/her on arrival, not get a jump-start in utero.

Felt perfectly prepared when they arrived: a sleepsuit is a sleepsuit, innit.

midgemagneto · 08/07/2021 15:10

If you think knowing the child's sex brings you closer , that's weird