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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
birdglasspen · 09/07/2021 20:52

Because I wouldn't be making a nursery BLUE or PINK! Newborn clothes can be neutral. I want a surprise after hours of labour! I don't mind what baby is and feel a bond with "my baby". Husband didn't want to know as always worried something would go wrong and that would be worse if bond was there. Not sure I agree with that! I like the surprise.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2021 20:53

I think this thread has demonstrated that people in the main, cannot see anyone else's viewpoint if their opinion and conclusion is different to their own. Why on earth has anyone got any opinion about how anyone else handles their pregnancy (unless it harms the unborn baby).

I found out as I was struggling to see myself as a parent and freaking out about the pregnancy. It really helped me to say he/ she and pick a name, to see the baby as an individual in it's own right rather than an 'it' that was growing inside me and ruining my life. It helped me immensely. Why would anyone have an issue with that?

I wasnt doing it to 'gender' the baby in any way, I error towards the traditional 'masculine' in toys and clothes anyway. I wasnt doing it because I thought people that find out afterwards don't bind with the baby. It didnt 'spoil the surprise' for me because by giving birth and having to look after a baby was a huge bloody shock to be honest.

I'm going to get flamed for this next bit. I am assuming it's mostly women on this thread. It seems to be a thing peculiar to mothers that we cant talk about this stuff without judging others for things that have no negative impact on anyone really, and getting mega defensive about our own choices. It's like the breastfeeding 'debate' which I say in inverted commas because there isnt actually a debate.i cant believe there is a 28 page thread on something so inconsequential that isnt full just of peoples own reflections on their choices, which is fair enough but assumptions and judgements about other peoples choices ( eg bonding with babies or taking away surprises).

None of it even matters apart from to the parents involved. I'm pretty sure very few men have this level of debate and judgement about one tiny fleeting inconsequential aspect of parenthood (and whether that's because they srent involved as much as they should be is another debate)

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 09/07/2021 20:56

I meant to say I can totally see why people dont find out because the sex doesnt matter, because they want a surprise and that keeps them going, because they are just focused on a healthy baby etc. But that also doesnt mean that those who do find out think the sex 'matters' in the grand scheme of things or that they somehow don't appreciate a healthy baby as much etc

bellie710 · 09/07/2021 21:00

I never found out what I was having with any of my kids, I find it really odd that people are so desperate to know. Why would you expect to have a better bond because you knew the sex, it is still a baby does that mean you think that people who don't know find out don't have a bond?

Scotinoz · 09/07/2021 21:00

Aww, we didn’t find out with either child. We weren’t really bothered which we got and it was always going to be one or the other!

The surprise was really nice.

Totally get finding out though - you can plan around it. Plus second time around it’s resolve some of the clothing dilemma (although obviously that opens a whole different can of worms 🙊)

Localocal · 09/07/2021 21:10

I felt the same, OP. We chose our son's names within a few months of falling pregnant, so by the time each one was kicking it was little Algernon kicking in there. I loved being able to call him by his name while I was pregnant. It was also nice to talk about "your little brother" with the older ones and help them visualise the arrival.

And I felt very strongly that just being handed your baby for the first time was exciting enough. I didn't need to liven up the occasion with the surprise of what genitals they had. I am sure my sons' arrivals were just as thrilling as they would have been if I hadn't known.

Trinacham · 09/07/2021 21:13

@bellie710

I never found out what I was having with any of my kids, I find it really odd that people are so desperate to know. Why would you expect to have a better bond because you knew the sex, it is still a baby does that mean you think that people who don't know find out don't have a bond?
What is so odd about it? It's not really about being desperate to know. In my case we are just so excited to be having a baby, it is our first, and we find it exciting to find out what sex it is. Why does it matter whether that is now whilst it is inside me, or in 7 months? I really don't get the big deal. We don't mind in the slightest what it is, it won't change anything. We love this baby and it's just one thing we are able to find out, big deal.
Pandasarecool · 09/07/2021 21:25

I didn’t care whether they were male or female and didn’t need to know to have a bond. And to date our bond is wonderful.

Sweetcheeks21 · 09/07/2021 21:32

Didn’t find out with our 3. Had no desire to know and looked forward to the surprise. Had plenty of neutral clothes and didn’t worry about bonding without knowing the sex.

Looubylou · 09/07/2021 21:32

Added excitement -, people couldn't wait to find out

superram · 09/07/2021 21:33

Yabu for saying gender when you mean sex.

saraclara · 09/07/2021 21:36

@superram

Yabu for saying gender when you mean sex.
Hits. Head. Against. Wall.

Seriously. 712 responses and you think you're the first to say this?

yacketyyak · 09/07/2021 21:38

I simply wanted a surprise.
Finding out the sex wasn't for me.
I watched family find out the sex and name the baby before it's arrival. Just didn't sit right with me, not sure why although I suspect maybe because there is a fear that something will go wrong. They're not safe until they're here and naming a baby feels a bit presumptuous to me.
But each to their own. It's very personal and I pass no judgement either way.

RainbowOctopus · 09/07/2021 21:43

As others have said, the sex of a baby really doesn’t change its needs.
Genuinely each to they’re own. I suppose the people who find out are the same ones that pick at wrapping paper before they’re allowed to open the present. Neither is wrong, we have the technology so why not I guess.
Personally, I didn’t want to know. I’d been told I couldn’t have children due to adolescent illness. Getting pregnant was a massive surprise in itself. I now have two almost adult delicious children. They were born boys and still are but it wouldn’t have ever been a problem if they felt the need to change so I didn’t really feel it meant an awful lot, but that’s just me. You do what feels right for you

wardribe · 09/07/2021 21:46

Really didn't care what sex they were as long as they were healthy...I find all these gender reveal parties really weird! Who cares? They all poo they all puke and you love them regardless so what does it matter? X

onlyhereforthecake · 09/07/2021 21:46

I was a midwife and I encourage my patients to wait for that surprise.

totally unprofessional, you should keep your opinion to yourself. Completely irrelevant and unrelated to the help (and medical care) a midwife is there for.

jamdonut · 09/07/2021 21:46

Well, back when I had my first, 1992, they wouldn’t tell you, just in case an error was made. By 1997, with my 2nd, things were better, but you didn’t automatically get told. With my 3rd in 2000 I was asked if I wanted to know, but I chose not to, as I liked having “the surprise”, and as I already had one of each, it really made no difference to me!

I’ll be honest - I don’t really ‘get’ why people want to find out, or have ‘reveals’. Just be glad you’re having a baby and be surprised by what you get!
I just got neutral coloured clothes ; mint green, white, lemon for the baby’s first few weeks.

GoingBackTo505 · 09/07/2021 21:49

I'm the same in that I can never understand why people WANT to find out!
It always makes me eye roll a bit when people say they want to find out so they can plan and prepare, as if people who have the sex a surprise are running round like headless chickens only buying things once the baby arrives because they don't know what they're having!
We've done it both ways. DC1 we had a surprise and DC2 we found out. We were 100% more prepared with stuff with baby number one and we definitely preferred the experience of not knowing what we were having.

VeganCheesePlease · 09/07/2021 21:56

My baby was born sleeping with a rare chromosome disorder, and although I didn't find out until late on, I did find out his gender at 17 weeks. I'm glad I did because for the rest of the pregnancy, he had a name. I didn't get a life on earth with him aside from when I carried him, but giving him a name has really helped me to know I bonded. In saying that I don't know if I would find out again. But I understand why you would and wouldn't. Both are equally valid.

Lozzie86 · 09/07/2021 22:08

I had to know with all 3 of mine, not because I thought I'd bond better or anything, just because I couldn't wait to get more information 😂. Getting to see them on screen at 12 weeks, then getting to find out at 20 weeks then getting to see them in person finally at the birth, I had to have something revealed to me at the halfway point to keep me going. I admire anyone who can wait until the birth though, that's lovely too!

Crowsaregreat · 09/07/2021 22:14

I enjoyed the mystery.

mafted · 09/07/2021 22:15

Omg, how many times do we need to go around in circles? I was disagreeing with the general sentiment, not you specifically. You don't need to keep defending yourself
Stop quoting my posts then!

bellie710 · 09/07/2021 22:19

Not saying you have to agree but I find it odd that people are so obsessed with finding out the sex. We did fertility treatment which took 3 years to have our first child I just cant imagine the sex being that important, each to their own but personally I find the desire to need to know what you are having and not wait odd.

lostandlonely20 · 09/07/2021 22:22

@ufucoffee here is a "valid" reason for you - I lost my first baby at 19 weeks last year, I hadn't found out his sex until I gave birth to him and I felt such overwhelming love and connection that I vowed next time I was pregnant I wanted to know as soon as possible. I also wanted to find out in case it brought up any difficult emotions so I could deal with them before the birth rather than when I had a small person to look after. Many women I've met who have had stillbirths or late miscarriages have felt it's important to them to know for similar reasons.

Mummadeze · 09/07/2021 22:25

I wanted a girl, my partner wanted a boy. One of us was going to be a tiny bit disappointed at the birth if we didn’t find out in advance. We did find out and I think my partner was a little disappointed that he wouldn’t be getting a son (as we were only ever going to have one child). But by the day of the birth he was even more excited than I was and couldn’t wait to meet his DD. It was the right choice for us as it gave us both time to reconcile the outcome with our expectations.