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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
DobbleBobble · 09/07/2021 22:26

We found out at the scans on both of ours, I'm a planner so personally I got my surprise at the scan rather than waiting for the birth, although I understand other people want to wait. We used knowing to pick names but otherwise tried to keep all decoration and clothes fairly neutral until they were old enough to have their own opinion, although I found that was very difficult unless you want everything white or lemon yellow? That was a few years ago though so hopefully things have improved.

justawrinkleintime · 09/07/2021 22:28

If nature wanted you to know the sex it would be obvious but it doesn’t so I just waited.

Tbh I’m curious as to why on earth people can’t just wait 😂

Hardbackwriter · 09/07/2021 22:31

@Pandasarecool

I didn’t care whether they were male or female and didn’t need to know to have a bond. And to date our bond is wonderful.
Same on all fronts - which is why I chose to find out, deliberately turning down information the sonographer had anyway seemed to me to be making such a big deal out of it. And I can't really see the difference between a gender reveal at 20 weeks and seeing announcing the sex as the best/most important bit of the baby's birth - I think both are a bit wrongheaded (and, if I'm honest, a bit juvenile).
Clevs · 09/07/2021 22:32

We both wanted a surprise. It made it more exciting not knowing. But when I was pregnant everyone had opinions on what I was going to have by looking at my bump and how I was carrying etc. They all said boy. So when I did have a boy it felt like the surprise element had been taken from me because everyone had told me that's what I was having anyway (even though they didn't actually know).

SemiFeralDalek · 09/07/2021 22:33

@justawrinkleintime

If nature wanted you to know the sex it would be obvious but it doesn’t so I just waited.

Tbh I’m curious as to why on earth people can’t just wait 😂

Literally hundreds of women in this thread have posted why they didn't want to wait to find out the sex of their baby.

Mine was because I had six days between finding out his sex and him being born and dying. We wanted to be able to name him. I'd had enough surprises for that week.

Charbead49 · 09/07/2021 22:45

Yeah, it's a real choice after they have had pink/blue gender norms stuck down their throat for the preceding how many years 🙄

Why do people need to identify to their sex?

Covidconfuse · 09/07/2021 22:48

My midwife said about 50% choose to find out, 50% leave it as a surprise.
For our first we wanted a surprise but for the 2nd we will find out as I want to mentally prepare for having one of each sex, or two of the same sex (as we are definitely stopping at two!)

Sassymcsasserson · 09/07/2021 22:48

Originally wanted to find out the sex but we got persuaded by everyone around us not too. In childbirth we both nearly died, and I barely registered being told the sex so if we're lucky enough to have any future pregnancies we've both decided we're definitely going to find out.

Hardbackwriter · 09/07/2021 22:50

@lostandlonely20 and @SemiFeralDalek - I'm so sorry for your losses Flowers

dummyd · 09/07/2021 22:54

@Charbead49

Yeah, it's a real choice after they have had pink/blue gender norms stuck down their throat for the preceding how many years 🙄

Why do people need to identify to their sex?

Let me guess, you must recoil every time you see a little girl in a pretty dress? It's not that deep. Newborns and young children don't have a taste in clothes, their parents can decide

As long as they let them have choice as they get older, what is actually the issue?

IceBearRocks · 09/07/2021 22:58

Why does it matter??? Our 2nd boy was severely disabled...we did no tests on the 3rd because we knew love was enough and we would cope with anything.
Years on...DS13 has HF ASD ad hypermobility syndrome...DS 11 Gas a severe range of syndromes you'd need to Google...in PMLD schools...and DD 10 has dyslexia.
Each snd every child are amazing......despite having a penis or vagina!

GoldStarAngel · 09/07/2021 23:17

Cultural thing for me. We don’t buy anything for the baby until it arrives either. (Well, just a few basics). Superstitious...

On personal level I knew that once it was a real love baby to love I wouldn’t care whether girl or boy whereas in advance I may have been a little sad if not what I wished for.

PopcornAndWine · 09/07/2021 23:37

@justawrinkleintime

If nature wanted you to know the sex it would be obvious but it doesn’t so I just waited.

Tbh I’m curious as to why on earth people can’t just wait 😂

Because - and this may be utterly shocking to you - not everyone thinks the same way as you. Have you actually bothered to read any of the posts where people, including me, have given their own personal reasons why they chose to find out? Why would you have an opinion at all on what others choose to do?
Vanityfairest · 09/07/2021 23:44

I’ve not found out with any of mine, that moment when my husband announced what we’ve just had will stay with me forever, it was just so special. It seemed to really frustrate people that we didn’t find out. I couldn’t care less what other people choose to do though.

PopcornAndWine · 09/07/2021 23:46

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I think this thread has demonstrated that people in the main, cannot see anyone else's viewpoint if their opinion and conclusion is different to their own. Why on earth has anyone got any opinion about how anyone else handles their pregnancy (unless it harms the unborn baby).

I found out as I was struggling to see myself as a parent and freaking out about the pregnancy. It really helped me to say he/ she and pick a name, to see the baby as an individual in it's own right rather than an 'it' that was growing inside me and ruining my life. It helped me immensely. Why would anyone have an issue with that?

I wasnt doing it to 'gender' the baby in any way, I error towards the traditional 'masculine' in toys and clothes anyway. I wasnt doing it because I thought people that find out afterwards don't bind with the baby. It didnt 'spoil the surprise' for me because by giving birth and having to look after a baby was a huge bloody shock to be honest.

I'm going to get flamed for this next bit. I am assuming it's mostly women on this thread. It seems to be a thing peculiar to mothers that we cant talk about this stuff without judging others for things that have no negative impact on anyone really, and getting mega defensive about our own choices. It's like the breastfeeding 'debate' which I say in inverted commas because there isnt actually a debate.i cant believe there is a 28 page thread on something so inconsequential that isnt full just of peoples own reflections on their choices, which is fair enough but assumptions and judgements about other peoples choices ( eg bonding with babies or taking away surprises).

None of it even matters apart from to the parents involved. I'm pretty sure very few men have this level of debate and judgement about one tiny fleeting inconsequential aspect of parenthood (and whether that's because they srent involved as much as they should be is another debate)

100% this. Honestly, can someone answer me, why do people have opinions on whether other people find out or not? I really don't get it! Everyone has their own deeply personal reasons for either waiting or finding out. It literally affects no-one but the parents and is no-one else's business.
Shopaholic100 · 09/07/2021 23:49

After two rather long labours, the best surprise was finding out the sex even though I was all groggy with pain medication. Even the names were picked after they were born as I wanted to choose a name which really suited the individual child.

I love surprises 😀.

Captainj1 · 09/07/2021 23:57

I didn’t want to bond because I had 6 failed rounds of ivf before getting pregnant and at every stage was expecting the pregnancy to fail. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment. In general I think people who’ve never experienced difficulties falling to staying pregnant don’t catstrophise about the potential outcomes. I did and therefore the more transactional I felt about the pregnancy the better.

tiredmama2020 · 10/07/2021 00:42

@Captainj1

I didn’t want to bond because I had 6 failed rounds of ivf before getting pregnant and at every stage was expecting the pregnancy to fail. I didn’t want to set myself up for disappointment. In general I think people who’ve never experienced difficulties falling to staying pregnant don’t catstrophise about the potential outcomes. I did and therefore the more transactional I felt about the pregnancy the better.
@Captainj1 I’m sorry you had such difficulty 😔 I agree with your post. While I (very thankfully) have not experienced a loss myself - I experienced stillbirth as a young teen when my parents lost my little brother. And there is a history of late term loses in my family. I spent my entire pregnancy almost preparing myself for something to go wrong.

I know most people prefer just to think positive and as you say, maybe don’t even consider what can go wrong but it honestly terrifies me seeing people announcing pregnancies, naming babies before they’re born, shopping super early etc.

Ineke · 10/07/2021 00:50

As with most other previous posts, the surprise of finding out at the moment of birth what sex baby you have is wonderful. I never wanted to know before hand. I had names that I liked but none suited when I met baby, names came after they arrived and you had bonded. I think it adds to the wonder of birth to find out if you have a boy or girl then. Very little preparation needs to be specifically for boy or girl.

fishbiscuits · 10/07/2021 00:50

I didn’t find out with my first, and it was completely the right choice for us at that time, I loved not knowing.

I always thought I wouldn’t find out with my second either.

Unfortunately though by the time I was pregnant with my second child, my mum was terminally ill with cancer, and we didn’t know if she would ever get to meet her second grandchild. I chose to find out so mum could know a little bit more about her grandchild. She never did get to meet her, she died three weeks before the birth, but finding out meant my mum knew she was a girl, and knew her name (which was one she helped choose).

Different circumstances, different decisions. There’s no definite right or wrong.

lostandlonely20 · 10/07/2021 00:53

@tiredmama2020 - I guess everyone is different. I was pregnant last year and did what people usually do - didn't' tell anyone until after my 12 week scan, didn't buy anything, didn't find out the sex etc and then my baby died at 19 weeks. Finding out his sex after I'd given birth was actually an unexpectedly important moment for me, it was one of the only things I could know about him.

When I got pregnant again I told everyone as soon as I found out - none of the the superstitions I stuck to the first time round made any difference as to how healthy that baby was, and if something went wrong I would have told everyone anyway. This time I wanted to enjoy every moment of the new pregnancy, and for my family and friends to share that joy with me.

Charbead49 · 10/07/2021 03:46

Well you can guess but you would be wrong. Why do you think I recoil?

I was specifically replying to the 'they have a choice when older'.

2 girls and a boy here and my little boys clothes are dark/blue and my girls want to wear a dress every day.

I love the dresses on the girls but you're an idiot if you think they just choose them randomly

Pumpkinbrew · 10/07/2021 07:38

@LittleBlackCat22 I see you decided not to quote what I had posted regarding losing several babies hence why finding out the sex is not important to me.

Instead you have decided to nitpick and claim I'm "fucking offensive" aha.

I had commented with my thoughts about what the OP was about regarding finding out the sex and therefore apparently being prepared for baby.

@Trinacham where exactly did I state that supposedly nobody cares about the health of their baby seeing how you decided to quote a little bit of my post.

Honestly, these threads go one way or the other. But if you're going to become ranty and find something supposedly "fucking offensive" in a post about finding out a baby's sex then I would say this isn't the thread for you.

LittleBlackCat22 · 10/07/2021 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Pumpkinbrew · 10/07/2021 07:57

@LittleBlackCat22 Again, where have I supposedly stated that regarding health?

I didn't. You are seeing something that isn't there.