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Original poster

To wonder why many people don't want to know their baby's gender during pregnancy

806 replies

pearlsandpetals · 08/07/2021 14:53

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all!
I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!

OP posts:
Yehbut · 09/07/2021 19:27

I fear it is because women are conflicted and confused about sex and gender about offending anyone, such a shame. Sex is real. You don’t have to pander to gender stereotypes, it’s not a feeling it’s a biological fact that should be honoured and celebrated whenever it is discovered.

Italianmeringuebuttercream · 09/07/2021 19:37

We didn't find out with our first (ds) but when I was pregnant, ds was 4 and automatically assumed he'd have a brother, so we asked to find out. Thankfully we did as the baby was a girl. We had time to prepare ds! I know he would have loved her anyway but it took a bit if pressure off (especially as she ended in in scbu for 8 days so he couldn't meet her - swine flu outbreak)

ufucoffee · 09/07/2021 19:37

I wonder why people do want to know. When I was pregnant there was no way of knowing and the surprise and anticipation was lovely and part of the pregnancy. No one has ever told me what I consider to be a valid reason for knowing.

rosyAndMoo · 09/07/2021 19:41

I didn’t find out with my son, navies he was my first pregnancy. I had severe pond, and I didn’t bond with him. I had convinced myself he was going to be a girl, and so had formed a bond with “Amy” the girls name we had picked. When they held him up so I could see, I asked them to check again as I didn’t believe he was a boy! We had a boys name picked out, which I had gone along with because I was so convinced he was going to be a girl that I gave my hubby pretty much free reign on the boys name. I wish I’d found out now, especially since after having him we can’t now have any more.. I think it would have helped me bond with my baby and would have reduced the pnd I nearly died from. My son is now 12, and after a lot of therapy our bond is so unbreakable, but I wish I hadn’t lost the first year of his life because of my struggles. I don’t know that knowing would have gotten rid of my pnd, but I certainly would have had time to come to terms with the loss of the daughterI thought I was carrying

RedStef1983 · 09/07/2021 19:43

Oh we had names picked out for each gender, we just chose not to find out the gender not tell anyone our choices.

ArabellaScott · 09/07/2021 19:44

Our hospital/health board didn't share sex. So - we didn't know.

RedStef1983 · 09/07/2021 19:45

Unfortunately a little of people were preoccupied with what I was having and were quite put out when we didn’t find out/tell them. That’s just our experience though.

Sarbears28 · 09/07/2021 19:46

I didnt find out with either of my children. I decided with our first child as I wanted that surprise at birth. With our second I let my dh decide and he said he loved the surprise with our first and it didnt matter what we were having (even though he did originally want to find out with our first). It was amazing going through labour knowing I was getting an amazing surprise, it felt like Christmas when I saw both our dc and I wouldn't change not knowing until their birth.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2021 19:49

@ufucoffee

I wonder why people do want to know. When I was pregnant there was no way of knowing and the surprise and anticipation was lovely and part of the pregnancy. No one has ever told me what I consider to be a valid reason for knowing.
Not finding surprises lovely, as many don't?
Bluebuddha10 · 09/07/2021 19:51

I didn't want to know because it didnt matter and I wanted the surprise. I was not interested in buying baby things of the traditionally assigned colours for girls and boys - that really annoys me. Babys needs are all the same, they don't know if they are in a pink outfit, or a blue outfit, or whether they have a 'girls' or a 'boys ' decor in the nursery, none if that matters

Terrazzo · 09/07/2021 19:57

@Bluebuddha10

I didn't want to know because it didnt matter and I wanted the surprise. I was not interested in buying baby things of the traditionally assigned colours for girls and boys - that really annoys me. Babys needs are all the same, they don't know if they are in a pink outfit, or a blue outfit, or whether they have a 'girls' or a 'boys ' decor in the nursery, none if that matters
But maybe it matters to the parents? Holidays don’t matter to babies but it’s nice memories for the parents. Anything you do under the age of around 4 they won’t remember. Babies don’t care if they’re breast or bottle fed, and you can’t tell looking at anyone of any age how they were fed. All these things matter to and have an impact on the parents though? So everyone just do whatever they want!! It literally doesn’t affect anybody other than the individual family so I don’t get how this has gone on for nearly 30 pages with people saying the same thing over and over 😂
Iloveacurry · 09/07/2021 19:58

My DDs are now 13 and 10. We didn’t find out before they were born. The first few weeks they just wore baby grows anyway! And to be honest, not knowing whether they were a boy or girl made no difference to bonding with them.

Trinacham · 09/07/2021 20:01

@ufucoffee do they need to provide a valid reason? I don't feel the need to say 'I don't know why people wait to find out the birth, I've never heard a valid reason for it' - it just doesn't make sense either way. Either the parents are excited and want to find out, or they are equally as excited but are willing to wait. That's it. There's no right or wrong or any 'excuse' needed either way.

DancingQueen85 · 09/07/2021 20:04

I don't understand it either. Also the argument that there are very few surprises in life. It's a surprise whether you find out at the scan or the birth. Personally after a 48 hour traumatic labour I don't think finding out my DC gender would have been some sort of magical moment, whereas finding out at 20 weeks was a real pick me up after months of horrible morning sickness.

TheJade · 09/07/2021 20:04

I found out with all of mine and it always surprises me when people don’t want to know. But to be fair I can’t hold my own water 🤣

ChannelJackieWeaver · 09/07/2021 20:07

I want a baby- I don't mind if boy or girl, and I like the surprise!

Pumpkinpie1 · 09/07/2021 20:18

I think knowing the gender takes away from the lovely surprise. It’s like gender reveals and baby showers a bit fake & controlling.

BoredZelda · 09/07/2021 20:27

My father in law had a terminal illness and we didn’t know if he would be around when DD was born. We wanted him to know whether his first grandchild would be a girl or a boy.

Bugbabe1970 · 09/07/2021 20:27

It's lovely to have that surprise at the birth
You absolutely do not bond any differently if you know the sex or not

TTCfirsttimer · 09/07/2021 20:27

@pearlsandpetals

Hi all, this is definitely not a hateful post just a curious one that's all! I'm currently 16 weeks pregnant and going to find out the gender soon. For me, knowing the gender means we can not only prepare better for the baby's arrival but also I think will make me have a closer bond with my baby before they are here, by being able to refer to them as my son or daughter and trying to picture what they will be like. I just wanted to know what reasons people have for not finding out the gender as I'm really interested!
Wow so much judgement on this thread. I think, each to their own. If you feel better knowing what you're having and you feel that it will help you bond then no one has the right to tell you otherwise! All the best for the rest of your pregnancy :)
Trinacham · 09/07/2021 20:40

The people who responded here who preferred the surprise at birth definitely sound more judgy than the ones who want to find out in pregnancy (most, but not all). Why is that I wonder? Is it harming the baby? Why do you judge that? What difference does it make to you whether they want to find out in pregnancy or at the birth?
I just can't wrap my head around it.

Trinacham · 09/07/2021 20:41

@BoredZelda

My father in law had a terminal illness and we didn’t know if he would be around when DD was born. We wanted him to know whether his first grandchild would be a girl or a boy.
❤
onlyhereforthecake · 09/07/2021 20:41

@Bugbabe1970

It's lovely to have that surprise at the birth You absolutely do not bond any differently if you know the sex or not
but that's the thing, you actually cannot say that.

YOU the individual might have had an easy pregnancy on that aspect, and have no issue bonding with your baby.

It doesn't mean you can talk for other mothers who have been struggling, or benefited from knowing.

Assuming you can talk for them is as stupid as someone stating that because they had no problem with a natural birth, nobody needs help. It's beyond ridiculous.

gillyflower9 · 09/07/2021 20:47

Finding out whether you have a little boy or girl at the time of delivery gives you an incredibly specific and special feeling, one which you won’t feel again until you have another child. The sense of anticipation is so exciting. The time of delivery is hugely exciting but this is the cherry on the top.
I’m so pleased to see that lots don’t find out the baby’s sex beforehand.
I do lots of pregnancy scans in my job as an Ivf specialist and I was a midwife and I encourage my patients to wait for that surprise.
Obviously it’s a personal thing but I’m a complete advocate for waiting.

TheRobotsAreComing · 09/07/2021 20:50

We waited to find out with our 1st. We were sure we were having a boy (and so was everyone else!), but we had a girl! The joy was out of this world. Our 2nd baby was a 'surprise' and because of that I felt I needed to know everything so I could be in control of it all so we found out with him. We had a gorgeous boy and meeting him for the first time was just as joyous, he actually came out fast asleep and the nurse had to wake him up!

I think it's great we get the choice so do what feels right for you.

The surprise element of my daughter's birth was so much fun because life is otherwise v predictable.

Hope everything goes well for you. X