To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

You need to spell it out to her now. It will be more awkward if you leave it. She needs to arrange childcare usually far in advance.

Say no you plan to focus solely on your own child but will happily have her child the very odd sat night once your own baby is old enough and sleeping through the night. Her child is her responsibility not yours.

I would wait til she raises it and then tell her the truth

If you want to keep her for a friend just lie and tell her you dont think you'll go part time, its too early to decide and you want to see how it goes with the baby before making any important decisions and dont want to thinn about it before your mat leave is up. She will have to get alternative childcare sorted in the mean time

I’d text her now and say it won’t be happening. If she’s seriously expecting you to put your career on hold to juggle 2 babies to save her childcare costs-she’s for a thick enough skin that she can take the news. You aren’t a childminder and want to enjoy looking after your baby.

Tell her now before she makes plans around this new found ‘cash-release’ scheme she thinks you’re providing.

Blimey, no wonder she has hardly any friends! Cheeky cow!

'No' is a complete sentence.

As above, you need to message her something asap, along the lines of: hi friend, I've just reread your message and I'm sorry but that would definitely not work for me, we will be happy to sit baby sometimes on a weekend night if you're going out, but I don't even know if I'll be doing part time, and two small babies would be a far too large venture for me.

Or similar.

But it's got to be asap because it sounds terribly like she's decided it's happening. Sooner this bubble is burst, the better

Just tell her not to rely on you when she’s sorting out childcare plans as you don’t know what your own plans will be.

@Rillington

You need to spell it out to her now. It will be more awkward if you leave it. She needs to arrange childcare usually far in advance.

This. And she is being an absolute cf. I am gobsmacked

You could probably try acting like you thought it was a joke because it’s that hilarious a suggestion! Her DC will be 1 and I guess she could be heading back to work right as you are due. The mention of your going part time would be when your baby is older so surely she will have to sort some childcare? What you could offer her while on Mat leave if you are comfortable and want to be a very good friend is to be her in an emergency person, so if her DC isn’t well enough for nursery and she has to work then you would step in. You are under no obligation to do this I’m just thinking that if you felt you could do that it’s something to soften the blow.

There’s a reason she doesn’t have any other friends…….

I’d ignore it, then if you do decide to go part time and she raises it again you can tell her to bugger off. If she’s back to work soon she’ll already have to put childcare in place so it’s not really a risk.

Also illegal (?) if you’re not an Ofsred registered childminder

Agree with everyone else. Nip this in the bud now.

When my kids were small, I formed some emergency childcare partnerships with a few friends, but it was crisis stuff and the clear, stated rule was that no one was EVER under any obligation to say yes.

Just say, ha ha, thought you were joking. Then say jokingly, no way, never gonna happen.

Thanks for your replies. So you think I should bring it back up or leave it?

How do I say it in a nice way? Because she'll be thinking 'if your at home why not?'

How do I word it?

I like the text idea
“Such a lovely reaction to my news thank you, can’t wait to pick up some mum tips. Just so there’s no confusion, I really wouldn’t feel comfortable looking after your child or anyone else’s child once on leave/ part time, professional childcare really is the better route. I would hate for anything to come between our friendship”

What’s her plan for full-time childcare in a few months?

If she's going back soon, tell her now before you're guilted into it because she hasn't made alt plans

Hi Jenny, when we were talking about my pregnancy recently you mentioned about me doing regular childcare for you. I'm sorry but I really not comfortable trying to juggle two small babies when I'm getting used to being a Mom and I honestly have no idea what I'll be doing re work but if I have a day or two off it will be for planned activities. I didn't want you to make plans relying on me when I just can't offer that level of help. Of course if you want a night out occasionally I'm happy to have baby Fabian and we'll sort some play dates for us together.

She can’t be for real? Who would assume this?!?

Yeh you need to nip this in the bud now. She’s apparently planning her future and career around you providing free care for her child. If you feel awkward then I’d send her a text.

You need to deal with this now.

Text her.
'Hey friend, I was a bit taken back today when you mentioned me providing childcare for Bob. I won't be able to provide chicane but I'll have not problem having Bob for the odd night.

@Pupstar241

Thanks for your replies. So you think I should bring it back up or leave it?

How do I say it in a nice way? Because she'll be thinking 'if your at home why not?'

How do I word it?

Just thinking about what you said about childcare if I go part time from work. It’s going to be a no, I’m afraid! Having 1 baby is going to be more than enough for me to manage-there’s no way I would be able to have 2!

• childcare.

Spell check isn't my strong point

I'd ask about what her plans were, what nursery she's going to use etc. so you can go and check it out. Then when she says 'thought you could do it' you can say it doesn't work for you sorry but she needs to make alternative arrangements.
I wouldn't text her to pick up the conversation from the off.