To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

Some of these replies are insane. Is this how people talk to their friends in real life?!

She was probably half joking, half testing the water. If she brings it up again just say I’ll have enough trouble looking after one baby let alone two land laugh it off.

This isn’t a huge deal.

@Pupstar241

Thanks for your replies. So you think I should bring it back up or leave it?

How do I say it in a nice way? Because she'll be thinking 'if your at home why not?'

How do I word it?

I like how you have decided to deal with this. and if she comes back with 'your at home anyway' how about she is currently at home now anyway so she can come and clean your house from top to bottom and cook your meals everyday. its a ridiculous suggestion that you should basically work as her childminder. Just enjoy your baby - looking after another baby and toddler would ruin your time with your child. you willnever get that time back

@User1357

Some of these replies are insane. Is this how people talk to their friends in real life?!

She was probably half joking, half testing the water. If she brings it up again just say I’ll have enough trouble looking after one baby let alone two land laugh it off.

This isn’t a huge deal.

Agree with this.

If my friend made a suggestion (assumption?) like this id just say 'absolute not you nutter!' and laugh it off. No need to be a big deal, and definitely no reason to make stuff up about your working hours, etc.

Keep it light, but blunt!

@User1357

Some of these replies are insane. Is this how people talk to their friends in real life?!

She was probably half joking, half testing the water. If she brings it up again just say I’ll have enough trouble looking after one baby let alone two land laugh it off.

This isn’t a huge deal.

I think you may be right.

I was a SAHM for 6 years and had a few "friends" who expected childcare. Like you I asked on MN for help. The advice I got was invaluable.
I'd contact her tomorrow and ask if she has sorted her childcare plans because you are concerned that she might be counting on you and "that just doesn't work for me".
Don't elaborate, or get tempted to make an excuse because CFs like her will try and find a way around it.
Practise saying "it doesn't work for me".
That little phrase is drummed into my head now. It works.
The worst that can happen is that she ditches you but she doesn't sound like much of a friend TBH.

I think those of us posting “insane” replies have been on the receiving end of very unreasonable cheeky requests from other parents. I certainly have.

I wouldn’t say you are going full time if you aren’t. You are just kicking the ball further down the road and you’ll still be expected to help on maternity leave. Tell her one is bad enough, you’d never even consider having two. Then laugh at the stupidity of the thought of two.

I'd have said it at the time ... sorry friend but honestly I have no intention of minding any child but my own during my maternity and after. I don't want to be a childminder.

Since you didn't say it at the time, I think you need to raise it now. Say something like ...

I thought you were sort of joking about me minding your lovely baby during my maternity leave/return to work but then thought on the off-chance you were serious, I should tell you now that I am not going to do any child-minding or babysitting while home with baby/back at work part time. It really isn't in my plans - but I think you were probably just teasing me right?

gives her the opportunity to say "god of course I was joking " (whether she was or not) or have a go at you for refusing. If she has a go at you for refusing, she is not a friend and the friendship will end soon enough anyway.

But in fairness to the woman, you can't leave her possibly thinking she has childcare sorted 2 days a week when she doesn't.

Op. Please Do Not agree to this. As CliffsofMohair stated unless you are a qualified childminder this is totally illegal.

How can this possibly be true? People do childcare for their friends and family all the time.

@User1357

Some of these replies are insane. Is this how people talk to their friends in real life?!

She was probably half joking, half testing the water. If she brings it up again just say I’ll have enough trouble looking after one baby let alone two land laugh it off.

This isn’t a huge deal.

In fairness, what the friend said to the OP is NOT how anyone I know talks to their friends in real life - they don't try to impose 2 days a week free childcare for a baby/toddler onfriends they see twice a month. they don't even test the waters on that one.

So in my world what the friend said is the insane bit.

What a horrible position to put you in! But bear in mind she can't force you into anything, despite her shameless groundwork.

If you text I'd say something like "it's lovely I have a friend to talk babies with. DH and are I are so daunted but excited. You gave us a giggle when I told him you fancied us as Mary Poppins for baby Bob. He said I ought to double check you were in fact joking! Going to be a busy time learning to keep one alive.. imagine two 😱. Hats off to you coming this far!"

All these posts are very conciliatory but I personally wouldn’t say or do anything. I wouldn’t even offer baby sitting - no way I would’ve wanted to babysit a 1 year old when I had my first baby

Same. No way can you do this, OP, so don't stress about it. If she mentions it again, burst out laughing and say 'God! I thought you were JOKING! No. I won't be doing that.'

Repeat as necessary, but if she needs it repeating, she's not really a friend. Who tf would even ask this?

@Emergency Hydrangea.
1st of all the rules are completely different for families. Even if they are only related by marriage so, Your cousins wife could ask you to look after her child and that would be considered fine. Only they would be expected to do it for nothing.
Secondly , you can look after your friends child for I believe what is now 58 mins as long as this is for no payment or reciprocated childcare as this is classed as payment. A bar of chocolate or a bunch of flowers is also payment.
Having ran my own childminding business for around twenty years I can assure you that I know what I am talking about and I strongly object to the implication that I may be lying. There would be no reason for this and I was trying to inform the Op of something that I have a lot of knowledge and experience with.

Why not google the police women who were reciprocating childcare on-line . You may learn something before you are rude to anyone else.

Just when you think you’ve read every CF permutation on here, someone comes along with an example that is pure next level.

OP - YANBU, but you know that.

How do I say it in a nice way? Because she'll be thinking 'if your at home why not?'

Because you can’t cope with two babies. It’s as simple as that. You can’t cope.

There is no arguing with that. You can’t guarantee their safety, and your mental health. So it’s a very simple ‘no’.

End of conversation.

I wasn't rude to anyone, but ok.

Also plenty of people look after their friends children for way longer than that. I don't think you are lying i just think you are wrong

@ShitPoetryClub

I was a SAHM for 6 years and had a few "friends" who expected childcare. Like you I asked on MN for help. The advice I got was invaluable. I'd contact her tomorrow and ask if she has sorted her childcare plans because you are concerned that she might be counting on you and "that just doesn't work for me". Don't elaborate, or get tempted to make an excuse because CFs like her will try and find a way around it. Practise saying "it doesn't work for me". That little phrase is drummed into my head now. It works. The worst that can happen is that she ditches you but she doesn't sound like much of a friend TBH.

^ This is the perfect strategy!

And can I just say that I cannot stand people like this who make cheeky assumptions.

I know it is hard when you are on your own without support but a genuine considerate friend would not do this op.

Wow , that is unbelievable. Poor you. How ridiculous to assume you would look after her baby!

Text asap.

'I couldn't figure out if you were serious about the babysitting, but in case you really are relying on me for two days, I need to do you the favour of telling you that I simply can't do that and you need to find a nursery or CM'.

And let the chips fall where they may.

Sometimes there's a very good reason why someone has hardly any friends. It may well be that you have just found out why your friend is in this boat.

Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course
Conversation moves on to other chit chat.

Do you see where you went wrong?

Listen up, OP. Did you get her pregnant? Did you persuade her against her will to have a child?

If not, then NONE OF IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

It’s not your responsibility to make up for her lack of support. Yes, it takes a village to raise a child - but you’re not supposed to be the only inhabitants.

You should have dealt with it as soon as she uttered it. But failing that, you must tell her firmly and decisively that you will not do childcare.

Tell her NOW ...

she will be calculating savings based on your childminding...

Do not delay.. you will regret delaying 😳

Congratulations on your great news 🌸💕

EmergencyHydrangea.
I found your comment extremely rude and offensive.

However as I said my business flourished from the time I started until the time I finished. If I could be bothered I would send a link to the Ofsted website, the government rules on this and to the police report of this case. By the way they were not allowed to continue with their arrangement when it went to court which it did.
I don't know where you have got your information from but I can assure you that I am not the one who is wrong. I think having worked in the field for so long and still being loosely involved I would probably know.
As very late I am off to bed bed but I sincerely hope that the OP and anyone else who might consider this does not listen to you. As this would certainly be a big mistake on their part and could cost them a lot of money if they are lucky.
If anyone is looking for the facts rather than some imaginary wishes, let me know and if I am not sure I can find out via friends who are still working in this area.
Good-night all.

@SleepingStandingUp

If she's going back soon, tell her now before you're guilted into it because she hasn't made alt plans

Hi Jenny, when we were talking about my pregnancy recently you mentioned about me doing regular childcare for you. I'm sorry but I really not comfortable trying to juggle two small babies when I'm getting used to being a Mom and I honestly have no idea what I'll be doing re work but if I have a day or two off it will be for planned activities. I didn't want you to make plans relying on me when I just can't offer that level of help. Of course if you want a night out occasionally I'm happy to have baby Fabian and we'll sort some play dates for us together.

This is perfect. Clear so she can’t claim misunderstanding but friendly and kind. If she takes offence to a pleasant and honest communication like the above then she’s showing you who she really is and you can fade her out bc she is a cf. Actually she’s shown herself already. In your shoes I’d send the above and slowly fade out of her life bc you will be getting this sort of thing all the time as your kids grow up. I’ve been there and it’s horrible constantly fighting your boundaries. That is not friendship.

If she actually has the bare faced gall to mention it again, just laugh it off.

Two kids? Yeah right, hahhah Hahah.

That's dreadful. CF.
Tell her no.
Just no.
Asap.