To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

She's got serious cheek. Don't know anyone who'd say this even jokingly, much less 'testing the waters' or seriously.

@Pupstar241, I think you should message first and be completely direct and clear that what she is asking (if she isn't joking) doesn't work for you and you are simply not going to do it.

Any other approach ('incompetent little me isn't up to it') will be made mincemeat of.

She is a CF, YANBU, good luck!

I wouldn't be saying hahaha. I would be deadly serious and tell her you are shocked at her presumption that you will provide childcare. This is your first baby and you want to enjoy the time you have at home with him or her, before going back to work, not looking after someone else's child. You aren't a trained childminder and if you were you would be looking after other people's children for money but have zero interest in doing that.

I would also text her this before you meet her, you may save yourself a visit.

It would have been CF territory if she had actually asked but, bloody hell, she just assumed.

Who does that.

Incredibly entitled or what?

How odd of her

A much better plan than your original one. Well done.

Stand your ground. If that conversation doesn’t nail it, then she’s no friend in the first place.

If she is on a low income that she is hoping for free child care would she not be entitled to the childcare element of UC. They pay up to 85% of child care costs?

Is she claiming all the benefits she is entitled too. And had she put in for child support from the father.

Hope this is quickly resolved for you

What a strange thing for her to presume. Hope she gets to grips with the fact it will never happen!

Good luck 🤞

@Pupstar241

Not yet *@LookItsMeAgain* but I have plans to see her on the weekend so I am going to bring it up again then and be direct.

I think I will say something along the lines of 'hahaha no chance I'll be able to manage 2 babies, I'm worried enough about managing my own. Anyways who knows what will happen so please don't factor me into any childcare plans."

If she then continues or gets huffy ill say "do you honestly expect me to manage your toddler with my own baby when you yourself self always say how much hard work it is with your own baby?"

If she continues to push then end the conversation and message her later on laying it down in writing.

I've realised I'm prepared to loose the friendship over this as no one would expect this from someone else so I'm not being unreasonable or mean.

I'll update you once I've had the conversation. Thanks for all the replies. Mumsnet is great.

Perfect. Who could argue with that? And as you say, you’ve realised this is a line for you so you’re prepared to stick to your guns. Well done for getting it straight in your mind and making a good plan.

Who could argue with that?

Well, a normal-enough person couldn't argue with that.

But a normal person would have been embarrassed to even raise the suggestion. They certainly wouldn't have presented it as a done deal.

The CF is not a normal person. They do not operate with the standard social norms.

Where's the Dad in this ? Can he not help out ?

You need to tell her because as she's this cheeky she will just assume you will mind her child.

Don't tell her you cannot cope , tell her you do not want to .
She blatantly said it would work in her favour and save her money so he is as good as opening your purse and lefting your money out .
You cannot accept payment by law unless you're a registered CM .
And even if she offered to buy you some things in return , it would fizzle out after a very short time .

You are taking Mat Leave and affecting your earnings for the sake of your own baby , not to provide free childcare for CF friend

Text her Just so we're clear on this , I;m guessing you;re joking about the childcare . It's not something I even want to consider

I think the Mn classic here of “no that doesn’t work for me”

Op when I had my third quire a few of my friends also had babies at the same time. I have a cute photo of my son and good friends baby daughter when they're about four months old - I was looking after friends baby for all of two hours while she has an interview - it was soooo stressful !! There is no way I would've wanted to do it regularly even for money ! It really annoys me when people don't plan ahead for their childcare as we all know how difficult and expensive it is but it's expensive for a reason - childcare is bloody hard work!! Your maternity leave and work pattern is for you to spend time with your baby and recover from the birth not to provide free childcare . You don't even need to offer anything

How did it go?

She’s got some cheek hasn’t she
Hope you’ve put her right

Did you meet your friend yesterday or is it supposed to happen today @Pupstar241?

I did regular childcare for my brother and sil when I was on mat leave with my first. It just made me end to resenting them tbh.

I would say right now something like hi jen just to be clear, I will be getting used to looking after my baby .its a special time for me and I need time toget to know the routine and bond with baby one to one .won't be able to look after your baby as well. Hope cc plans go to plan for you xx Don't apologise .she is a bloody cf !

I would act like it was a huge joke and reply something along the lines of 'haha, good one! Can you imagine? What a horrific idea,I'd have a breakdown!!!!!! How mums of twins do it? I feel quite scared enough about looking after one.'

Hope the conversation went smoothly