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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

237 replies

Pupstar241 · 07/07/2021 22:18

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 07/07/2021 22:49

@Pupstar241

Thank you for your suggestions..

I do worry about maternity leave as I feel like she's already thinking I will be doing childcare for her on Mat leave.

I know she is struggling as a single mum and that she's stressed about the cost of childcare. But I honestly cannot do it.

I'm already stressed out now and it's not even happened!

I feel terrible because I've got some support and she hasn't other than me and 2 other friends. They don't live anywhere near her so it's all me.

OP friends don’t provide childcare, People are lucky if their own family do. Don’t feel stressed just text and let her know so she isn’t planning around this idea. Also don’t offer anything like help with the odd day or help finding childcare, you focus on your life!
Babynames2 · 07/07/2021 22:50

YANBU. You need to tell her ASAP though, she will likely see you not saying no as you agreeing to do childcare.

AnotherKrampus · 07/07/2021 22:50

Why is the onus on the OP to raise the tissue? Why does it need spelling out, it isn't her responsibility whatsoever. I would frankly ignore it and treat it as the joke it is.

AnotherKrampus · 07/07/2021 22:50

*issue Grin

Sally872 · 07/07/2021 22:52

Hi friend, you were probably joking but I want to clear the air just in case. I won't be able to do any child care for you on mat leave, or if I go part time. I am delighted we will have babies close in age and we can do things with them together. But I can't give any regular childcare.

Why?

It's too much for me to watch too small babies. And I want to focus on bonding with my own baby during mat leave.

IdblowJonSnow · 07/07/2021 22:57

I voted YABU in the basis that you didnt immediately tell her to sod off!

Beyond cheeky! No wonder she has so few friends!

EmergencyHydrangea · 07/07/2021 23:00

Does no one on mumsnet have a backbone?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/07/2021 23:02

Look, FFS, you have to be very firm and simple with her. And no, it's not best to do it face-to-face. There's a reason she doesn't have many friends because it is cheeky AF to ever presume this of a friend.

She saw you coming and sorry, but that's the truth. It is not 'all on you'.

You can't do 'light-hearted' and 'probably'. You need to find your spine for the sake of yourself and your baby. Bring it up and by messenger. Don't wait as you're not assertive and she'll find holes in everything if you do this face-to-face.

'Bit taken aback but it needs to be clear that I'm not going to be available to provide childcare except for my own baby and you need to make plans for professional childcare for Bob. DP and I have already made plans for my mat leave and our family.'

No apologising or excuses.

Tubelight · 07/07/2021 23:02

Don’t commit to any childcare now and say you won’t be able to help. She is trying to find out if you would be willing to help before she returns to her work . Be honest with her and don’t commit to anything else.

lottiegarbanzo · 07/07/2021 23:05

Bring it up now. Say you thought she was joking. (Obviously you'll have enough on your plate with your first, want to enjoy your time with him and are not planning to go into childminding.)

Luckily she will have childcare in place long before you go back to work. that's, what 13-16 months away.

WhatAShilohPitt · 07/07/2021 23:07

Good grief. The neck of some people never fails to astound me. Why on EARTH would you say anything but no? Why is she even not even phrasing it as a question? Is this a windup?

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 23:08

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Look, FFS, you have to be very firm and simple with her. And no, it's not best to do it face-to-face. There's a reason she doesn't have many friends because it is cheeky AF to ever presume this of a friend.

She saw you coming and sorry, but that's the truth. It is not 'all on you'.

You can't do 'light-hearted' and 'probably'. You need to find your spine for the sake of yourself and your baby. Bring it up and by messenger. Don't wait as you're not assertive and she'll find holes in everything if you do this face-to-face.

'Bit taken aback but it needs to be clear that I'm not going to be available to provide childcare except for my own baby and you need to make plans for professional childcare for Bob. DP and I have already made plans for my mat leave and our family.'

No apologising or excuses.

If you are to send any text to that CF, whom @osbertthesyrianhamster has correctly stated "saw you coming"...AKA a MUG....send the one above.

Statement of fact.

No apologies whatsoever.

Personally I would be getting the hell out this "friendship", because she clearly sees you as a resource to be used and exploited.

Lan2020 · 07/07/2021 23:09

I'd assume she must be joking! Surely nobody just casually mentions that they expect a friend they see once a month to do their childcare! That's very presumptuous and cheeky!

I wouldn't want to do it either. I would have no desire to regularly look after someone else's child (bar exceptions if someone very close to me was desperate).

If she is genuinely serious and you don't want to be direct, I would just say you don't know exactly what you are doing with work, is it a job that you could say you will be doing from home a few hours a day on your days 'off' tell her you've already signed up to a course or something. She's the rude one for not even asking!

bigbaggyeyes · 07/07/2021 23:10

I think you're absolutely right in doing it face to face, bring up the subject of childcare and then you'll have the opportunity to lay it out there. It's best to do it now, that gives her the chance to arrange childcare rather than thinking you'll do it (she's a cf by the way)

'Please don't rely on me for childcare, I don't know what I'm doing with work and childcare myself, and tbh I want my maternity leave to be about bonding with my dc, just me and him/her, I'll need to find my feet and don't want the responsibility of looking after a child that's not mine, so I won't be able to look after your dc too'

MarianneUnfaithful · 07/07/2021 23:13

Yes bring it up face to face.
Definitely do not let her entertain this outrageous plan until it is too late.

“Friend I might have misunderstood but it seemed as if you were thinking I would do your childcare. you need to look at some options, because even if I don’t go back f/t there is no way I can commit to anything like that! Apart from anything else I have no idea how I will cope with one baby let alone 2!”

Any pushback : “I know it’s hard but from my point of view it has to be a no. It’s my maternity leave / first year of parenthood and I want to spend it children concentrating on my own baby, not taking on extra responsibility”

If she doesn’t accept this with good grace she is really not friend material.

ludothedog · 07/07/2021 23:15

I wouldn't leave it a few days, especially if you will struggle to be clear with a no with her or if you will delay the talk.

Text her now and make it clear. The longer you leave it the worse/harder it will become.

EmJay19 · 07/07/2021 23:16

You could be like ‘Yeah I wish it would be that easy ha ha’

Disabrie22 · 07/07/2021 23:16

OP - a real friend would never suggest that - she’s in over her head with life and you have become a means to an end. No one in their right mind would agree to that.
Just say “Hey just realised you were serious about me looking after your baby with mine, sorry much as I love you it’ll be too much for me and my other half would never agree to it, have you thought out looking here, there and everywhere for childcare.”

Family have attempted to use me for childcare as I’m in education and I don’t work the school holidays and I have said no immediately. No way should you compromise time with your own child or allow yourself to be used - you will never forgive her if you agree to this.

Disabrie22 · 07/07/2021 23:17

Yes - message ASAP or she will factor you in her choices - honestly it’s a terrible idea and there are plenty of childminders around.

gah2teenagers · 07/07/2021 23:18

Your plan re asking her about childcare sounds perfect do this and stand firm you are not a free childcare service no matter what her circumstances are.

MarianneUnfaithful · 07/07/2021 23:19

However if you doubt your resolve face to face, do it by message.

But whichever way, do it.

Here’s a thought: have you asked your DP how would feel about going out to work to enable you to take on someone else’s childcare?

TellingBone · 07/07/2021 23:19

What was she planning to do if you hadn't been conveniently pregnant?

Crinkle77 · 07/07/2021 23:21

@Pupstar241

Thanks for your replies. So you think I should bring it back up or leave it?

How do I say it in a nice way? Because she'll be thinking 'if your at home why not?'

How do I word it?

Because I don't want to should do it.
CharityDingle · 07/07/2021 23:23

@Howshouldibehave

If she falls out with you because you won’t give her free childcare for half the week, then it’s been no great loss and is also very clear why she has no other friends
+1. If messaging her, do not say sorry, or offer to help out. Be very straightforward, you will be a new mother, and are not planning to offer childcare to anyone.
Iloveacurry · 07/07/2021 23:23

What would she have done if you weren’t on mat leave anyway? What was her plan for child care?