To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

This would be a no no from me, and you should not feel bad about saying no at all. It is she, who is being unreasonable about suggesting this. It's not your problem if she gets huffy about you saying no to things.

I'm glad you've thought up a plan on what to say to her, but as PPs have mentioned you can now see the reason why she has no other friends!!

She's a CF!!

She obviously sees you as a bit of a walk over.

I would imagine this isn't her only CF moment with you.

If you get nervous standing up to her or are worried about upsetting her, see this as your first motherhood challenge.

You have to look after the interests of your unborn child first not some cheeky fucker.

I would deal with this now or else it will be worrying you and might prevent you enjoying the rest of your pregnancy. You can be jokey or serious, whichever approach works better for you (i.e. whichever approach usually get the best outcome for you).

I prefer a more serious approach, that works better for me. Something like, "Hi, I just wanted to mention something from our conversation yesterday. You said that if I went part-time, it would be good for you because it would save you the childcare. I will not be able to do regular childcare for you and I just wanted to make sure you were aware of that, so you can make other arrangements. We can talk about exchanging babysitting occasionally on weekend evenings, once my baby is old enough, but I definitely won't be able to do any regular childcare. Thanks for understanding."

Once you say the first part, I think mostly likely she will say something like, "no no no, I was just joking, I would never expect you to do regular childcare for me." That might or might not be true, but I wouldn't press the issue. Allow her to save face. But I would suggest that you do not explain why you are not willing to do childcare, because she might see it as an opening to explain how you can just change your life to "solve" that problem. Do not give her any openings, do not offer emergency childcare, or anything like that. (In reality, you will probably end up doing some emergency childcare, but if you SAY that you will do emergency childcare, then you may find that she has an emergency every week, all day, and always on your day off. Emergency childcare means: her father fell ill and she has to accompany him to the hospital, her car broke down and she needs someone to pick her and the baby up from the roadside, that kind of thing. A few times a year, not a few times a month.)

I'd be deeply offended if someone even "tested the waters" with me in this way. It's such a completely ridiculous thing to ask of someone, and the way it was phrased, it wasn't even asking. It was an assumption.

It also doesn't sound like she was joking, the way the OP presented it. If it was a joke, it didn't land, and when making that type of joke, you really need to be absolutely certain that the other person knows it's a joke, because otherwise you'll be taken for a CF!

Surely she wasn't serious?

Don't feel bad, childcare costs is a struggle for two parents as well so even if she was with somebody she probably would of said the same!

@Fundays12

Say no you plan to focus solely on your own child but will happily have her child the very odd sat night once your own baby is old enough and sleeping through the night. Her child is her responsibility not yours.

That leaves something to berate you with. No is the one word answer. There is a two word answer too, it ends in off.

OP, I think it is best to bring it up right away so she knows to look elsewhere. I'd say something like "Hi df, I want to bring up our conversation the other day, when you spoke about me watching your dc. I don't want to do any extra childcare I'm afraid. I want to dedicate myself fully to my dc, without any added commitments or responsibilities.

Remembering those 2 ladies, were they police officers? They helped each other out with childcare, turned out to be illegal.

You have to be either grandparent, sibling or a childcare provider for a permanent arrangement like this. Tell her you don't break the law.

You need to nip this in the bud, but she's still your friend. I would message what SleepingStandingUp wrote. It's perfect. Also why would you want to have someone else's baby when yours arrives? It's your time to bond with it.

I think it’s far better to address it now, via a text so she doesn’t get to carried away by her ‘plan’in her head.

OP If I am feeling unsure of anything doesnt often happen but when it does like your situation heres what I do! I blame my husband!! He is fantastic for getting me out of shit situations I get myself in by no fault of my own,like you with your friend,I would say I was talking to Mr Lump last night and telling him what a fab day we had together and I mentioned you said about childcare...well he did laugh,he says not a prayer is that going to happen,He said to me Lump we will have more than enough on with ours and theres no way am I doing that.It just aint happening sorry love.
Se ehow shifting the blame gets you off the hook? My husband by the way is lovely and if I wanted to do it he would be great about it but he also has my back and doesnt mind being made out to be the bad guy! Maybe try something like that?? x

I have got a friend who needed someone to feed her dog one day a week and l stupidly said l would help.
Cost me time and fuel and the one day a week started to be two or three times but she was type type of friend that point blank would not come and feed my cat if needed so l just said no more.
As pp,have said, cheeky fuckers don't care about asking or assuming you will do it so no reason why we should feel bad saying no.
Spend your mat leave with your baby - simple.
And don't feel bad.

And l echo what @lazylump72 said - if you struggle to own it, blame dh! My dh would totally back me up with that

@MarianneUnfaithful

Yes bring it up face to face. Definitely do not let her entertain this outrageous plan until it is too late.

“Friend I might have misunderstood but it seemed as if you were thinking I would do your childcare. you need to look at some options, because even if I don’t go back f/t there is no way I can commit to anything like that! Apart from anything else I have no idea how I will cope with one baby let alone 2!”

Any pushback : “I know it’s hard but from my point of view it has to be a no. It’s my maternity leave / first year of parenthood and I want to spend it children concentrating on my own baby, not taking on extra responsibility”

If she doesn’t accept this with good grace she is really not friend material.

This is how I would deal with it. However, I wouldn't be waiting until you see her face to face, I'd either phone her (facetime if you want but definitely phone rather than text) and say the above.

You have no clue what you'll be doing with your own baby let alone taking on the responsibility of looking after someone elses and all that entails.
You want to give her the most time possible for her to find childcare that isn't you as well so the sooner you contact her the better.

As Zammo used to say (from Grange Hill days) "Just Say NO"

I know she is struggling as a single mum and that she's stressed about the cost of childcare. But I honestly cannot do it.

That's her problem, not yours. Where is the father of the child?

Text her and tell her it's a no. She needs to find her own childcare. And do it soon so she has time otherwise she'll blame you for not having anything booked.

It's hard to believe this is real but if it is, it is clear why the OP is the last local friend standing. Woman is a CF and everyone else has backed away from her.

The statement is so silly and outrageous that I'd also be tempted to ignore it and just go about my business. If it comes up again, easy enough to laugh and say you assumed she was be joking, of course you couldn't take on her childcare.

I might however say: "I know you joked about me doing childcare for both of ours, but on a serious point I need to start looking into nurseries as maybe they have waiting lists? Anywhere you'd suggest?"

If it seems like she was serious I'd just say no that's mad, of course I can't commit to it. Honestly I can't imagine missing someone that cheeky's friendship so much it would be that great a loss. And whatever you do don't offer any babysitting, it would end up every week.

Just laugh and say no chance !

@mathanxiety message is actually perfect.

[quote notthemum]@Emergency Hydrangea.
1st of all the rules are completely different for families. Even if they are only related by marriage so, Your cousins wife could ask you to look after her child and that would be considered fine. Only they would be expected to do it for nothing.
Secondly , you can look after your friends child for I believe what is now 58 mins as long as this is for no payment or reciprocated childcare as this is classed as payment. A bar of chocolate or a bunch of flowers is also payment.
Having ran my own childminding business for around twenty years I can assure you that I know what I am talking about and I strongly object to the implication that I may be lying. There would be no reason for this and I was trying to inform the Op of something that I have a lot of knowledge and experience with.

Why not google the police women who were reciprocating childcare on-line . You may learn something before you are rude to anyone else. [/quote]
"58 minutes" ? Really? Someone turns up at your house with a badge, do they, if it's 61 minutes? What happens next?

In the real world there is literally no one policing things like this, childcare between friends.

Sounds like she isn’t just expecting childcare whilst you’re on mat leave (?full time) but maybe PT until her child is at school! She’s probably mapping out next 5 years

Kindly OP, you have clearly no idea how tiring a new baby would be to even think of offering the odd nights babysitting for her.

She has you lined up as a dim mug that she can use going forward.

Her first thought at your good news was how she could use you for childcare.

I don't know what you believe a friendship is, but it isn't that.

I think she will be a thorn in your side going forward, looking for favours, telling you how lucky you are compared to her, how hard she has it.

If you have an ounced of self preservation you will back far away from this woman. Fast.

That's entirely reasonable OP. I wouldn't even offer occasional babysitting though. Having a baby is knackering and chances are you will resent giving up sleep to look after someone else's toddler. See how you feel when your baby is here. Better to offer as a nice surprise once you know your own position than to offer now and rescind it later.

Hi friend-I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and I couldn't figure out if you were serious or not when you seemed to be suggesting that I would do your childcare for you when you return to work. I understand that it’s really hard for you but in case you really meant it and are relying on me for childcare, I need to do you the favour of telling you that I simply can't do that at all. This is my first baby and I haven’t a clue about how that’s going to go or what you’re supposed to do! I will be taking the time to get to grips with parenthood and bonding with my own baby. I certainly can’t take on another baby at the same time as doing that; that would be too much stress for me. I just want to be your friend and wanted to make sure you knew that, to give you time to find a nursery or CM.

I find that people can be very free and easy with other people's time, and I've particularly noticed it since being part time/SAHP. Whilst heavily pregnant with a high risk pregnancy and with a toddler in tow (and then later on with a newborn and toddler), my BIL expected me to be a carer to his gf (who I had met briefly twice) who had been in an accident. When I didn't/couldn't do this he blanked me for 18 months, and tbh our relationship has never recovered because of his attitude towards me. I also had a school mum repeatedly asking me for childcare favours- I didn't mind doing it in an emergency but I discovered that this mum was actually using me to cover childcare so that she could have an affair. She has never once returned the favour when asked or ever invited my DD for tea because our dd's apparently argue too much. This isn't true at all but even if it was, she didn't mind lumbering me with a newborn and two bickering girls. Anyway, once I started refusing to help she dropped me completely and now pretends to not see me during drop off/pick up. I've also noticed that another mum seems to be collecting this woman's dd from school a lot so I guess she's found a new target!
Some people are complete users unfortunately.

OP, the newborn phase can be utterly exhausting, plus you want to spend time snuggled up with baby or attending baby groups or dealing with poo explosions or trying to keep on top of basic cleaning etc. Looking after another child at the same time is going to make life so difficult for you. Stand your ground and say no.

You could always preface it with 'I know you were probably only joking when you said....'

In other words 'you're a complete CF if you weren't joking'.