To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

@CliffsofMohair

Also illegal (?) if you’re not an Ofsred registered childminder

Not illegal if no payment or reward. And it doesn’t sound like she’s offering either!

Just say oh you know the other day when you said I could have x? Just to let you like I won't be able to as that won't work for you me.

Done.

"Just want to clarify, although we would be happy to babysit for you the occasional evening, I won't be able to offer any regular child care."

Then don't get into a discussion. If she pushes you, ask her to stop as you don't want to fall out about it and no amount of discussion is going to change your mind.

NOPE.

Cheeky cow. Tell her immediately you will not be doing it.

'Just to check earlier you were joking about the childcare weren't you? I couldn't possibly commit to anything regular so just thought I'd better check you weren't making any concrete plans'

If she falls out with you because you won’t give her free childcare for half the week, then it’s been no great loss and is also very clear why she has no other friends

I'd wait and see if she raises it again then I'd say "Oh you were serious when you said that! God I thought you were joking, I wouldn't be taking on a second baby when I'm trying to get to grips with my own (haha), besides I haven't even decided what way I'll be working etc. So no, 'fraid I won't be doing childcare..."

But yes she is a CF and I would be reconsidering my friendship if a friend's first reaction is how the situation is going to benefit her.

I think you have to be really clear from the start with no ambiguity so there’s no way she can wiggle in another... yeah but .. type of conversation.

I just about coped with my own son let alone another baby that wasn’t mine. It’s really hard work and also amazing having a baby and you shouldn’t have to miss any of that.

I'd go with the pp who suggested asking her if she is going for a nursery or childminder, as if you were looking for recommendations.

If mentioning happy to watch her baby say “evening” not “night”….she sounds like the type that would expect overnight

Thank you for your suggestions..

I do worry about maternity leave as I feel like she's already thinking I will be doing childcare for her on Mat leave.

I know she is struggling as a single mum and that she's stressed about the cost of childcare. But I honestly cannot do it.

I'm already stressed out now and it's not even happened!

I feel terrible because I've got some support and she hasn't other than me and 2 other friends. They don't live anywhere near her so it's all me.

Why would she assume you're just going to happily take on a massive extra responsibility? How strange.

I'd nip it in the bud right now with "I wasn't sure if you were having a giggle when you said about me looking after [name] if I go part time, but just so we're on the same page I wouldn't want to be a childminder for anyone while on Mat leave or in the future if I do go part time, though the occasional evening here and there might be ok. Before we get our wires crossed! "

You need to deal with this soon if she is due back to work soon and hasn’t made any childcare plans the longer it’s left the more awkward the conversation will be.
Maybe text along the lines of
It might be pregnancy brain but did you say something about me doing your childcare and going part time when I go back to work? Please don’t make any plans that rely on me as I would hate to let you down. I haven’t had the baby yet and I don’t know how I’m going to cope with my own baby yet with feeding and the sleepless nights. Also I’ve no plans to go part time.
X

YANBU, she’s a CF twat.

Just say you have no idea what will happen 15 months time but focus will be the baby during mat leave and beyond but maybe you’ll be able to babysit for her on the odd Saturday night when baby’s old enough.

God no. I value your friendship too much to work for you, and definitely don’t want to juggle too on a regular basis. I’ll help you look at nurseries though. I heard x is good?”

Two

I feel terrible because I've got some support and she hasn't other than me and 2 other friends. They don't live anywhere near her so it's all me.

OP, she's an adult, she's not your responsibility. She expects you to provide free childcare on your maternity leave. She's a massive CF, not someone who just needs support.

@trilbydoll

'Just to check earlier you were joking about the childcare weren't you? I couldn't possibly commit to anything regular so just thought I'd better check you weren't making any concrete plans'

That's the one. The other suggestions don't sound anything like the sort of thing friends would text each other!

It is sad she has so little support, but that's not something you can solve and it doesn't excuse her trying to take advantage of you. She's incredibly presumptuous and rude to present it as fait accompli too! Uggh. Can't stand CFery of this level.

I'd send her a message first thing tomorrow and say, "I've just realised what you said yesterday. Are you really expecting me to be your childcare? I can't do that! I'll be working part-time and then I want to spend my time with my baby, not with two babies! I told DH what you said and he was really annoyed, so my decision won't change."

I wouldn't mention the Saturday nights either - I wouldn't say I'd do it in an emergency or anything like that. She's already shown you she's not going to be reasonable.

If you don’t set her straight immediately, now, then it’s all on you.

Don’t be posting this on MN next year!

It’s the simplest thing in the world to text and say, “I’d hate for there to be any misunderstanding and you start to plan or rely on something that I won’t do. You mentioned childcare today. I’m totally up for swapping baby sitting favours - but I’m not up for doing formal childcare.”

If that affects your friendship then - and trite as this is, it’s still true - it wasn’t a good friendship anyway.

This is so simple to address, that you’d be a fool not to.

@Rillington

You need to spell it out to her now. It will be more awkward if you leave it. She needs to arrange childcare usually far in advance.

This!

If you wait she might not raise until the day she drops the child round as you’ll be home!

Thanks for your responses.

I think I'll wait till I see her face to face in a couple of days and then I'll ask about what nurseries she's visited for her dc and if she has any recommendations as I know the waiting lists are huge so I plan on putting my name down once I give birth.
Hopefully that will then open the discussion of childcare and I'll say I'm thinking I'll probably go back full time and then say something PP suggested of "I'll probably be going back full time after doing our finances, but either way please don't make any plans relying on me for childcare because I'm anxious about taking care of the one, no chance I'll be doing two!" Then laugh lightheartedly and change topic?

Honestly OP, this is relationship ending CFery.

Do not be offering ANY childcare.

You have NO idea what is ahead of you with a new baby.

Why would you volunteer for any childcare.

She chose to have a baby.

This is 100% her issue.

If you in anyway involve yourself in her childcare arrangements you will totally fxxk up your own mat leave.

Say nothing if she brings it up again, laugh and tell her you never for a second thought she was serious.....

Why would ANYONE agree to childminding a friends baby having just had your own?

Totally crackers, and say so.

Be prepared for the relationship to end, but I think anyone who would think this is reasonable is no loss.