To think friends being CF wanting me to do her childcare when I have my baby? What do I do?!!

[Pupstar241]

Soo I am 5 months pregnant with mine and DPs first baby.

My friend has an 8 month old baby and is a single parent with no support she's due to go back to work from maternity full time soon.

We're good friends, see eachother about once/twice a month. She has hardly any friends so I know I am very important part of her life in terms of company/friendship.

Now the cat is out the bag of my pregnancy she was very excited for me. However the conversation went like this:

"This is amazing, congratulations!! How exciting!!"
"Thank you so much"
Then we chit chat about pregnancy and babies and she drops
"Yes well if your going part time that will be perfect for me, saves me a few days childcare thank god. Will make such a difference to me, I'll also babysit whenever you and dp want to go outof course"
Conversation moves on to other chit chat..

Wtafff?? So she's assuming I'm going to be doing her childcare on my days off if I go part time?! I'm assuming she probably will on maternity also?!!

I have 0 plans to do anyone childcare when I'll be getting to grips with my first baby!
If I go part time it will be for baby play groups, swimming, making new mum friends, seeing family etc.

Not to be juggling looking after 2 babies under 2! I wouldn't want to do it even for pay.
I also don't need her to 'babysit' for me and dp to have a date night, certainly not in exchange exchange childcare!!

I'm not selfish in that I'd be more than happy to have her baby on the odd Saturday night if she wanted to go out or have a break. But not several days a week every week.

I've not even thought about whether or not I'll go part time or what kind of part time me or dp would do if we decide for either to reduce hours.

What on earth do I say if its brought up again? I feel its gonna be basically a confrontation of some kind as she's basically mapped it all out in her head of what's going to happen.

Please mumsnet tell me how I can lay this down without ruining our friendship? Do I just not raise it again and hope she never does?

Excuse any typos on my phone!

Legendary cheek

As many people have said you CANNOT be light-hearted, half hearted or casual in dealing with this. Say it straight: no. You don't have to give a reason.
Friends don't ask these sorts of favours. If she falls out with you, then that's your answer. She's not a real friend.

When my eldest was born a friend suggested the sme thing, her 1st was due within weeks of mine but financially she had to return full time pretty quickly.
I said no, I couldn't possibly cope looking after 2 babies the same age.
She was absolutely fine with it but the irony was I went on to have twins! Coped fine as it goes
That said I agree with everyone else, you need to manage her expectations now xx

She will not be thinking 'if you're at home why not', because she already knows that looking after a baby is work and takes your attention away from other things. Like your own baby.

She's just being a chancer.

I think you could add that it wouldn't be fair on anyone, including both of the babies. You can empathise with your friend's problem but that doesn't mean you have to solve it for her.

There's a lot to figure out with your own work before she can start to make plans for you - she would need to know how many days you wouldn't be working, which days you would be to arrange alternative childcare etc. And you won't even have really thought about that yet let alone having discussed it with work. I would just say to her that you're not even sure work will let you go part time and how many days you would be working so you think she'd better not rely on you for childcare. Then she can go off and organise a childminder or something and by the time you're going back to work if she still asks again just say no you have plans on those days.

There's an awful lot still unknown really, you could have a child with a health problem or disability who needs extra appointments (not trying to scare you but this is the position I found myself in with DC1), work will have their own ideas about whats what, it's madness for her to make these plans for you.

@trilbydoll

'Just to check earlier you were joking about the childcare weren't you? I couldn't possibly commit to anything regular so just thought I'd better check you weren't making any concrete plans'

Actually I'd take out the word "regular". She's automatically assumed you'll do her childcare without even an inkling from you in that direction, so even the occasional Saturday night is likely to become a more regular arrangement than you and your partner are likely to be happy with.. So set up clear boundaries early @Pupstar241 - however kindly you do it. 🌹

Say no.
Or if you want to come from a friendship side offer 2 weeks help only.
I helped my Dsis a lot and spent her maternity leave with her the problem was I'd a high needs baby 6 months older, it wasn't obvious to me at the time though it stretched me to breaking point by the time I saw it.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Look, FFS, you have to be very firm and simple with her. And no, it's not best to do it face-to-face. There's a reason she doesn't have many friends because it is cheeky AF to ever presume this of a friend.

She saw you coming and sorry, but that's the truth. It is not 'all on you'.

You can't do 'light-hearted' and 'probably'. You need to find your spine for the sake of yourself and your baby. Bring it up and by messenger. Don't wait as you're not assertive and she'll find holes in everything if you do this face-to-face.

'Bit taken aback but it needs to be clear that I'm not going to be available to provide childcare except for my own baby and you need to make plans for professional childcare for Bob. DP and I have already made plans for my mat leave and our family.'

No apologising or excuses.

I agree with the above. It shows her that you have discussed it with Dh and that your plans do not include her or her baby. Do not offer babysitting on a Saturday night. That can come later if it even suits you. You might not be able to offer any babysitting as you might just be tired with your own baby, so do not commit to anything. Get it said asap so she doesn't throw a fit in a few weeks time when she's suddenly realised you are not going to mind her baby. After today and you not saying anything, she might now assume you're on board with it.

If she's just assuming you'll take care of her baby on top of your own newborn, you might be better off if she does stomp off and end the friendship! That's insanely cheeky!

She knows how difficult it is, because she's just done it. Why on earth would she think you'd be happy to double your work?!

I would reply

"Hahahaha btw what are you doing regarding childcare? Maybe our two will be in the same nursery at some point ☺️☺️"

If she relies about you helping reply "ohhh I thought you was joking lol! No way could I look after two under two, plus dh wouldn't allow it anyway my days off will be spent with in-laws and such"

Just blame everyone else if you value her that much but she's a CF for even mentioning it tbh

Op. Please Do Not agree to this. As CliffsofMohair stated unless you are a qualified childminder this is totally illegal. You can point this out. There were a couple of police women who got into trouble for this a while ago.
I used to childmind. When I started over 20 years ago if you were caught doing this the fine was £1k per person (you, her, and your dh as obviousely they would know) when I stopped a few years ago the fines had gone up to £10k per person. You could face prison if the judge wanted to make an example of you.
It wouldn't matter if you had a teaching qualification, you would have to be registered as a childminder and have taken all the relevant courses that they have to do. Some are evenings, some are weekends oh and generally you have to pay for them.
Please for all your sakes say No and don't let her try to guilt you into it or persuade you otherwise.

I haven’t read the full thread but honestly OP, don’t be offering any sort of childcare/babysitting. Like someone said upthread, she is an adult and childcare for her child is not your responsibility. You must nip this in the bud now.

I would wager good money that even if you offered up babysitting, she will royally take the piss. I have a “friend” like this. Her dc have stayed at ours overnight before and she picked them up the next day almost 2 hours late. I was furious. They have stayed since and I told her to make sure her dc bring a key and I would drop them off (they are of an age where they are old enough to do this).

She can’t be for real, surely she can’t mean you actually provide regular free childcare in exchange for a little evening babysitting.

“Sorry that’s not going to work” is all you need to say.

There is post after post telling the OP to contact this friend to say no. Why??? The friend hasn't actually properly asked her, nor has OP agreed to do it. It's really not her responsibility to even discuss this. Why does this even have to be dignified with a response! It's not her baby, monkey or circus!

If she is thick-skinned enough to even assume this is a reasonable thought then I doubt you'll get away with the friendship intact.

I'd be tempted to ignore it and feign ignorance when it's mentioned again, but I remember the anxiety of pregnancy/maternity leave and how things can eat away at you, so maybe address it now so you can relax. I'd probably wait til next meet up and drop in maternity leave to conversation and clarify if what you think she said is true and just say no it won't be happening. It's enough work with you own children nevermind someone else's, she's mad if she thinks otherwise.

I think you are making a big mistake to even offer the odd sat night,you will be v tired minding your own baby

I would definitely text her and tell her very clearly that you cannot be her childcare. As nicely as you can - but ultimately if she takes offence or gets nasty, she’s showing her true colours and you are best losing the friendship.

It is astonishingly cheeky that she would ask/say this and this comment alone would make me consider backing off or ending the friendship. My kids are now teens and I learnt this the hard way. People will ask and if you do something for a CF as a one off, they will simply ask you again because they can.

Yes I agree you are making a mistake offering anything.

OP, she knows what she's doing and you know what she's doing. It's manipulative and I would pull back right now. Having a baby is a great time to meet new people with likeminded views not CFs and enjoying being a mum.

@CliffsofMohair

Also illegal (?) if you’re not an Ofsred registered childminder

Only illegal if being paid.

Jeez my parents can hardly do any childcare for me! I can’t even imagine the cheek of a “friend” asking or expecting this. Definitely nip it in the bud ASAP before she thinks it’s a given

@Rillington

You need to spell it out to her now. It will be more awkward if you leave it. She needs to arrange childcare usually far in advance.

That.

Of course she might have just said it off the top of her head. Most people realise you actually have to ask, not assume.

Definitely don’t leave it. Definitely bring it up and tell her straight. If you leave it she’ll be assuming all sorts, and also it will keep eating away at you, you’ll keep worrying about it. Get it out in the open and tell her a definite no.

I had a misunderstanding with another mum where I used to take her kids into school a couple of days a week and asked in return if she could have mine odd days in the holidays, she thought I was asking for more than I was and came round to see me, I honestly thought nothing of it and was glad we’d got it straightened out.

Don’t let their be any misunderstandings OP, get it sorted now.