DH told his sister about my abortion

[JoSummer]

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

Wow, it’s amazing that you managed to make a baby all by yourself. Oh hang on, someone else with human feelings and emotions had a part to play and is entitled to their own feelings about it too.

He is absolutely entitled to his feelings. He is not entitled to disclose ops private medical information after she expressly said not to.

You find it inexcusable and unforgivable? Yet I’m sure you’d be the first with your hand out to the Cms if you made a choice to keep the baby even if he wasn’t on board.

Yes, because the man's choices stop at ejaculation. The woman has choices after that. If a baby is born because of those choices the man absolutely should pay. Its not the child's fault. Nobody forced the guy to have sex.

Talking about getting rid of your own baby is nowhere near as bad as actually doing it. I’m guessing you also agree with late term terminations also because of course “it’s your body and your choice even if there is a fully formed baby there at 38 weeks”.

Having an abortion isn't 'bad' at all. And yes, the womans body, the womans choice, as early as possible, as late as necessary.

Typical forced birther bring up 38 week abortions as if that would ever happen though.

It's not like he sat in the pub telling everyone. He told his sister to comfort her. It was his child too at the end of the day.

@CrazyNeighbour

I also think you’re being somewhat unreasonable.

Your SIL is (hopefully) going to be in your lives for decades to come. In her position, if I ever found out in the future I would be so so angry with you, and you would know it.

Your DH should tell her never to mention it. She doesn’t “have one over you” or anything like that. She knows that other people have been through the experience she is going through and have come out the other side.

Can I ask OP if he had asked your permission to say, would you have offered the comfort or would it have been a “Nah, she can go through it alone”.

You can comfort someone without disclosing someone else's private medical information.

Disclosing someone’s private medical history is unacceptable. He did not have to say you’d had an abortion.

Betraying your trust by disclosing something so important to you (anything, not necessarily about this abortion) would go to the core of my ability to trust him with any other information, and also make me question how well he knows me if he didn’t know I wouldn’t want his sister to know this. I don’t k ow what is do about this, having two DC with him now. Probably nothing, practically. What can you do, realistically?

Sharing that he too has lost a foetus/child and providing his sister with support in this way is absolutely his prerogative. He doesn’t have to say abortion, or miscarriage, or stillbirth, or anything - just that he’s faced losing a foetus/child. If she’d pressed him, he should have said he wasn’t at liberty to say more because it impacts someone else.

Also, it doesn’t make it better that he told his sister and not some random in the pub. Might make it worse, in fact. There is plenty I’d happily tell a random in the pub but never, in a million years, my sister in law or mother in law!

I think you're being unreasonable OP.

I had an abortion 7 years ago, at the end of my relationship with an ex.
We both had one child from previous relationships, were good parents but were in a toxic situation. We both agreed a termination was the correct path. We were both upset and affected by it.

I may have went through the procedure alone but it was 100% his experience too - from finding out he has created a child, to the discussions around what to do, to the aftermath of the procedure.

If he chose to tell someone that this happened during our relationship, talk about his feelings and experience of it then that is 100% his choice and not something I can get annoyed about. Just like he couldn't get annoyed at me for doing the same even if he didn't want to do that. He doesn't get to control who I discuss my experiences with and why.

If he chose to speak about it to comfort another person and provide them with a lived experience and safe area then that too is his prerogative.

I also wouldn't ask him to lie about who he went through that with, that's bizarre.

In your posts though you do seem more worried about how others view your decision than anything else. I agree with the poster who mentioned unresolved issues and potentially looking at some counselling to help address these thoughts.

In your posts though you do seem more worried about how others view your decision than anything else

Damn right she is worried.. there are people in all walks of life who would absolutely JUDGE OP's choice to terminate a pregnancy..

lets not pretend that everyone is in life is Pro-Choice..

there are also Pro-Life advocates who feel very strongly perhaps even a member of her Family and this information could change their relationship forever..

IT WAS PRIVATE !?

YANBU.
I'd be most upset over that. Putting it mildly.

While I can sympathise with how hurt you feel, I agree with those having some sympathy for him as well.

It was his sister, not some guy down the pub. He was trying to show her support in a difficult time. By telling her, he was demonstrating he had shared a similar distressing event. Ok I know he hasn't had a termination himself, but you know what I mean.

I think while its ok to let him know your feelings, in your shoes I would accept there was no malicious intent.

I can see your point of view but i totally understand why he shared it with his sister. I don't think either of you are BU. I think you're allowed to have you're feelings on this as its very personal but I also can see why he told his sister to comfort her and let her know it was ok. I doubt she'll tell anyone considering she'll have gone through the same thing.

@QueenBee52

In your posts though you do seem more worried about how others view your decision than anything else

Damn right she is worried.. there are people in all walks of life who would absolutely JUDGE OP's choice to terminate a pregnancy..

lets not pretend that everyone is in life is Pro-Choice..

there are also Pro-Life advocates who feel very strongly perhaps even a member of her Family and this information could change their relationship forever..

IT WAS PRIVATE !?

She seems more worried/annoyed/upset by the reactions of others about something she cannot change. A decision she felt was best at the time. It might be worthwhile for the OP to explore why that is and why that is causing so much distress.

If someone in my family found out I had the abortion and they looked at me any differently, made any comments etc then I definitely wouldn't be in a rush to associate with them and it wouldn't be something I panic myself over. I made the right decision for me and that's all that matters. If that was someone who I didn't even like or associate with then I wouldn't bat an eyelid (like the OP stated about her MIL).

It may be something the OP wants to keep buried but it is also the OPs DH experience too. He experienced all the emotions in the run up to and aftermath of the termination, despite what others have said. He is allowed to talk about that event if he chooses. Its very possible that this is the first time he's ever done so because it was with someone he trusted and someone going through the same feelings.

Does your DH know how much you feel your MIL dislikes & undermines you? He probably needs to know that in future, in terms of how he edits any future info he lets his family know about you & your family.

@PixieAndProsecco it is absolutely not her husband's place to talk about the experience if she's not ok with it. It doesn't matter how you personally would feel about people knowing - that's your perspective, not hers.

If he wants to talk about it, he can get private therapy. If he thinks the story would help someone, he can say HE went through it and not mention the partner.

100% not ok to share when OP hasn't given permission. In any event the person who is not ok with sharing must be respected over the person who is.

@yeOldeTrout yes, he hasn’t spoken to her for years. I’m amazed he has taken the risk of her finding out something so private via his sister (who does speak to her)..

Update: he’s now pretending he didn’t tell her at all. I’m reeling and can’t make sense of any of it. My instincts are telling me that he is feeling so guilty that he wants to pretend it never happened.

By way of explanation… this all happened on text. He works long hours and lots of meetings so we are used to communicating like this during the day. He texted me that his sister was pregnant, had taken the morning after pill but it hadn’t worked… she was a bit upset but happy with a decision to terminate. I replied asking if I was supposed to know. He replied yes. I replied asking if he had “told her about me.” He immediately replied yes, and he hoped that was ok. I replied “not really.” And then another reply saying I was pretty shocked and very upset. He then sent me a series of apologies saying he didn’t mean to betray me and just wanted her to know she’s “not alone.” One of the replies said “she was talking about things like how developed the baby would be. I told her not to think like that and wanted her to know she’s not alone.”

He is NOW saying that he only told her that I once took the morning after pill. apparently I jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought he meant the abortion. I don’t believe him - not least because the serious apologies don’t make sense.

I don’t know what advice I’m looking for now - maybe just reassurance that I’m not going mad. I just don’t believe him that he was only talking about the morning after pill! I think he’s so scared of how upset I was that he’d rather lie and make it all go away. I imagine he’s probably called his sister and told her never to tell me that she knows. Does this make it all worse or better?!

@CrazyNeighbour so you think that everyone is mandated to share their private, painful experiences with others who might be going through something similar? We don’t all cope with things the same way. For the record, if my SIL had told me, I’d have told her about “my friend” who went through the same thing.

[quote JoSummer]@yeOldeTrout yes, he hasn’t spoken to her for years. I’m amazed he has taken the risk of her finding out something so private via his sister (who does speak to her)..

Update: he’s now pretending he didn’t tell her at all. I’m reeling and can’t make sense of any of it. My instincts are telling me that he is feeling so guilty that he wants to pretend it never happened.

By way of explanation… this all happened on text. He works long hours and lots of meetings so we are used to communicating like this during the day. He texted me that his sister was pregnant, had taken the morning after pill but it hadn’t worked… she was a bit upset but happy with a decision to terminate. I replied asking if I was supposed to know. He replied yes. I replied asking if he had “told her about me.” He immediately replied yes, and he hoped that was ok. I replied “not really.” And then another reply saying I was pretty shocked and very upset. He then sent me a series of apologies saying he didn’t mean to betray me and just wanted her to know she’s “not alone.” One of the replies said “she was talking about things like how developed the baby would be. I told her not to think like that and wanted her to know she’s not alone.”

He is NOW saying that he only told her that I once took the morning after pill. apparently I jumped to the wrong conclusion and thought he meant the abortion. I don’t believe him - not least because the serious apologies don’t make sense.

I don’t know what advice I’m looking for now - maybe just reassurance that I’m not going mad. I just don’t believe him that he was only talking about the morning after pill! I think he’s so scared of how upset I was that he’d rather lie and make it all go away. I imagine he’s probably called his sister and told her never to tell me that she knows. Does this make it all worse or better?![/quote]
Better in my eyes. But then I was slightly in the YABU camp.

He sounds like a caring guy who loves you and his sister but has put himself in a bad position.

He might be back-pedelling. But did he actually speak with his sister or all via text with her too? He could easily muddy the waters with what he's told her.

But at the moment It does sound like his sis needs a bit of support.

It makes it worse in my eyes op.

He broke your trust and gave your medical information out, realised he fucked up, and is now lying to cover his tracks, and has probably told his sister to lie too.

I would feel really violated if I were you.

Amazing how he can lie to get himself out of trouble, but he absolutely had to be honest about your private medical details.

He actually met and spoke with his sister, not text with her. And she’s texted me today to say she “knows I went through the same thing” and that it’s comforting to her. She had the procedure this morning. So he didn’t get round to telling her to keep quiet. But I now know he’s lying.

It hurts that he’s lying to me on top of everything else. I guess he’s in a mess.

Why did he have to involve you in it?
Why didn't he just say, in the past a previous girlfriend had an abortion, and not mention you.

Yes, the man does/may have a story to tell about going through an abortion, but he could have left you completely out of "his" story.

The lying isn't on and yanbu to be upset at him disclosing it but I personally wouldn't bother if it was me. It isn't me though and you're entitled to feel how you do.

I think you need to find out, maybe through his sister, exactly what he has told her.

The lying would be what would upset me.

I'd be really upset and even more upset that he's now lying to you about it.

@JoSummer sorry, I know you are feeling hurt but I actually think you are being deeply unfair to your dh by minimising the impact the termination may have had on him. He wasnt there for you during not because he didn't want to be but because he wasn't allowed to be. Have you ever stopped to think how he must have felt?

I am a woman and I do get that it happened to you physically, but you both went through the mental trauma. And it was in part his story to tell and I don't think I would be so raw and hurt about it given that his intentions were honorable in trying to reassure his sister.

You are reacting like it was said as office gossip round the coffee machine rather than someone who had gone through the mental trauma of it and was supporting his sister.

I think you need to step back and reasses or you risk destroying your marriage over it

The fact he disclosed personal information that he knows the op didn't want anyone to know, and has then lied about it means he is the one who has risked his marriage.

This isn't on the op, it's totally on him.