DH told his sister about my abortion

[JoSummer]

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

@QueenBee52

In your posts though you do seem more worried about how others view your decision than anything else

Damn right she is worried.. there are people in all walks of life who would absolutely JUDGE OP's choice to terminate a pregnancy..

lets not pretend that everyone is in life is Pro-Choice..

there are also Pro-Life advocates who feel very strongly perhaps even a member of her Family and this information could change their relationship forever..

IT WAS PRIVATE !?

I don't SIL, who is having an abortion, is going to share that, or OP's situation with strongly pro life family - if they have any.

The problem now is OP has to deal with SIL and her emotions. How very unkind to you he has been OP. People make terrible decisions sometimes and you really don’t have to be ok with what he did, it was horrid. You can still love him and be with him and be very sad and upset.

It seems that this procedure still varies so much stigma and obviously brings out the emotions in us. OP I am a woman and I have had two terminations, 16 years and two children apart. I told those close to me about the first one. I told far less the second time. Somehow it felt like I should know better the second time as I already have two dc. Our reasons for terminating the second were very sound and I don't regret it. I do however feel sad and it did upset me at the time as I was essentially cementing the decision that I would never have more children.

I tell you this as I understand your feelings. My initial thought was that YABU but as I thought about it more and how I would feel if my DP told his mum about the recent termination. I would actually be devastated. But it wouldn't be about his 'betrayal' because believe it or not, I do think it is his experience as well. Yes I am the one that has to live through the experience but he had to make the same choices as me. He had a say in what decision we made as a couple. He was there with me and for me and he experienced the grief too. If I'm honest my devastation would be because I am a little ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I got pregnant when I didn't want to and that I made a decision to terminate when technically I could have had a baby that would have been loved and supported by those around us. As I said, I don't regret it. We couldn't afford it, had no space, would have to move or massively uproot the lives of existing DC. I could go on but essentially we had sound reasons.

I guess what I am saying is that there is no shame in making the right decision for you. I would be upset but I don't think it's a reason to end an otherwise good marriage/relationship. It isn't a deal breaker for me. I hope it isn't for you.

He didn't tell someone so they could pity him, he told his sister who was going through the same experience. I've also had the experience, many, many women share this experience. If you still have such strong feelings ten years later from a procedure that millions of women seek out a year and even more women are denied then I really think you should seek counselling. Honestly, your reaction isn't healthy and your husband is scared of your reaction. If I couldn't tell the people I am closest to about a shared experience with my partner then I couldn't be with you. I would be reassessing the marriage based on your reaction.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

The fact he disclosed personal information that he knows the op didn't want anyone to know, and has then lied about it means he is the one who has risked his marriage.

This isn't on the op, it's totally on him.

This would be my reaction to it too.

I don't know it would end my marriage but that kind of unthinking disclosure of personal information which, I'm sorry, actually does suggest he didn't think it was a massive deal until the OP got upset about it would definitely rock my trust in my DH.

This is so very hard and undoubtedly had bought back a lot of emotions.

Hi OP, I'm guilty of oversharing sometimes and I can imagine, in this situation I too would've probably divulged as it was him showing he understood what his sister is going through. I am a woman and although I agree it is our bodies that go through it, I don't think you can dismiss the fact that he experienced it too. So yes, I agree with him that it's his experience to share too. I'm sure if you'd had a recent conversation about why you don't want anyone to know, it may have been different but I don't think he'll have thought any harm in sharing with his sister. It's not like he posted on social media, she's family. I do understand why you'd be hurt though but I don't think you are right to only consider your feelings on it, sorry.

It sounds like neither OP nor her DH have any contact with the MIL.

What does it matter what MIL thinks? There is no relationship to protect with her, she has no way to communicate to OP what she thinks of OP. OP has no reason to care what MIL thinks of anything OP ever did.

I think I'd reply to her that she is only the 3rd person to know about your termination and you'd appreciate if she'd keep your confidence.

But I also think you might want to consider counselling it.might be helpful for you to deal with it rather than it be a dark secret that you are carrying around.

It was his sister, not some random, that he was trying to comfort. He may not have realised how important it was to you not to say anything. And he had a say in the decision back then too presumably? He's apologised, move on. But I would get him to talk to his sister, tell her how you feel and make sure she is sworn to secrecy.

I suppose it depends on how you feel about the termination and how you’ve framed it in your mind. I’m not ashamed of mine, it isn’t a dirty secret, I don’t feel particularly traumatised or upset by it. So if DH shared it in order to comfort someone close to him who was going through the same thing, I honestly don’t think I’d care. But that’s me.

Horrid thing to do. It took ages for me to find out how much info my husband gave to family and friends about me. He was so disloyal.

I guess he’s in a mess

In all honesty, I think you’re both in a mess. And I think you both need some help to get out of it. In keeping the termination a secret both of you have denied yourselves the opportunity to process it and draw comfort from others who share your experience. And in doing so you’ve got stuck. This incident has brought it to a head.

Why are you discussing all this by text? Why aren’t you just talking to each other? Text is so clunky and nuance free at the best of times. Here’s you chance to talk honestly to each other about your emotions, ideally with a skilled third party.

I’m struck by the passing reference to your sil having her termination this morning and mentioning how comforting knowing about yours is and not acknowledging her grief and pain. Surely you empathise with that?

So sorry, sweetheart, but in the interests of your mental health and your marriage, you need to bring your pain into the daylight and start to deal with it. Part of the reason this is so huge for you is because your sadness has festered unacknowledged for a decade.

I hope you get some therapy or grief counselling to help you. 💐

What an empathetic post blossom. I agree
I'd be more upset with the subsequent gaslighting than the initial incident, I think you do need some help if your relationship is in a place where he's doing that. Either to avoid your upset or because he doesn't respect you,neither is good

Is there also the possibility that he is now experiencing some negative emotions which, coupled with your own upset OP, have caused him to lie as a way of trying to restore some order?

Again, I don't think he should have to lie about ie being a friend of his or a previous girlfriend. Unless he went in to the details of the procedure, how the body feels after etc then this was his story too. He can talk about how he felt when the decision was made and after, how he moved on and how he has dealt with it. He might have decided not to speak to anyone about it but he also has the right to go back on that, as does the OP if she ever chooses to.

Again, I don't think he should have to lie about ie being a friend of his or a previous girlfriend.

Why are you placing his urge to talk about something that happened to ops body over the ops right to keep her medical information private?

Genuinely, why does he have more rights than op in your mind?

I think the fact it’s an abortion is a red herring here. The OP’s DH broke her confidence, as they had agreed to keep it private. It could have been about anything - them winning the lottery and deciding to keep it a secret, them committing a crime and agreeing not to tell anyone, OP getting a tattoo on her bum just for DH’s pleasure but not wanting others to know.

Once you’ve agreed with your spouse not to share a secret then they should be able to trust you not to tell anyone, even family. How can the OP trust her husband in future?

I can see why you are distraught. It is not his information to share.

However, he has said it. I know your concern right now is your hurt and your relationship with him, but I do believe strongly that whilst we cant control what happens, we can control our reaction.

After a breathe, I would use this as an opportunity to perhaps address something that has been a secret for you for so long (and maybe some therapy would help you with how you feel about it). Personally, I would forget about him for a moment. I would call his sister and say you understand that he told her, although you had rather he hadnt. But you empathise with her situation and are happy to talk to her about it if that would help her. Also that you would prefer her not to tell her family as your own dont even know. I would then also use this as an opportunity to talk to your own mum about it and how keeping it from her all these years has made you feel. Not to publicise it at all or to come 'out' about it to others- make it clear to all and DH that this is still private information not be told. But to acknowledge that you've been dealing with this yourself for so many years and would like to share it/your emotions on it. I would use this as a chance to heal, build and strengthen your relationship and support system with your mum. Or therapy. Then you can deal with how you feel about DH.
But personally, I think sharing your emotions first how this has been brought up again is more important. Get your head straight. Then you might feel in a better position to forgive, rather than adding more bitterness on top of the bitterness it seems was already there.
Od course, that is just me.
Good luck and I hope you/your relationship heal from this

But it isn’t actually about him needing to talk about the abortion for the sake of his own healing. We don’t even know that he is troubled about it now. He was attempting to support his sister, who has had a termination today. He is clearly a very loving brother, which is a positive.

He shouldn’t have told her about the OP’s termination without discussing it with her first, though.

Think how the conversation went with is sister, she tells him she's pregnant, and doesn't want it. It brings back his own memories of unwanted pregnancy and the discussions, and feelings he had at the time. Its hardly the moment to say 'hold on I need to call the wife'.

While I understand you not wanting anyone to know about it he was using his own personal experience to comfort his sister. I don't see there is anything wrong with that. Are you saying in 10 years you have never told a single soul? Not once comforted a friend with your own experience?

I’m not sure why everyone is saying this means you need counselling.

Been there OP with an unexpected abortion. We haven’t told anyone. No need to, we dealt with it together both making the decisions and emotions. We’ve both discussed it since comfortably. It was the right decision for our family.

We agreed at the time we wouldn’t involve anyone else. It doesn’t mean that we’ve not dealt with it, it’s that it’s no one else’s business, and that we don’t want to have to deal with the emotions of others/ judgement of others.

If my DH now told someone, even someone I adore, and even to ‘help’ them, I would be gutted. Not about the topic but that we had decided together not to tell others precisely because it is such an emotive thing. To do so is to break trust.

To lie, and gaslight you, makes it worse.

I don’t know why people are defending him. You went without potential support from your mother precisely because you had agreed this information was between the two of you. The break of trust, and subsequent lies and gaslighting do need to be acknowledged and apologised for. If he doesn’t recognise that he’s messed up, how are you going to trust him to not lie and gaslight again? If he does recognise it, the hurt he has caused and that you have very good reasons to be shaken in your trust of him, then it’s something you can move on from (with perhaps more open eyes).

💐 also.

If anyone is ruining the OP's marriage it is not her.
I would have found the breaking of confidence and trust devastating.

Then lying about it, backtracking and trying to cover his arse is despicable.
If he'd held his hands up and said 'I'm so sorry darling I've really messed up and hurt you' that's one thing. But to heap lies on top! He seriously needs to get his act together and realise the extent of the damage he's done and take whatever steps he can to try to repair it.

This is just how I would feel but I would view this as a huge betrayal of trust and be very, very upset. Different things upset different people and for me this would be on the same level as infidelity, it's just so disloyal. I would speak to your SIL, OP, offer her support and understanding and tell her that apart from yourself and your husband no-one knows about this and you would appreciate her respecting your confidence. With regard to your husband I don't know what I would do. I would tell him that he had broken my trust in a major way and I needed time to think. If he started lying to cover this I would start to lose respect for him too.

I’m not sure why everyone is saying this means you need counselling

Because it’s pretty obvious that there are unresolved issues that are causing OP great pain.