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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH told his sister about my abortion

335 replies

JoSummer · 07/07/2021 17:44

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

OP posts:

tony68 · 07/07/2021 20:46

As someone who would have appreciated reassurance from others who had gone thru similar experiences I think yabu. He was there for his sister, comforting not gossiping. if it was me I'd have told her and not told you I'd told her, you'd never have known that the information had been divulged and I probably wouldn't have told you my sister was having an abortion either. Sorry op. I think you're being absolutely fucking ridiculous.

Wannakisstheteacher · 07/07/2021 20:49

It was his baby too. He can share the fact that his baby was aborted with anyone he wants. He was doing it to comfort his sister not to tell random people off the street.

Freckers · 07/07/2021 20:51

@JoSummer

^The fact that no-one seems to have a good relationship with your MIL means that it only takes MIL to say something along the lines of 'how could you, that's awful' or similar (if that's her belief) and SIL may go on the defensive with 'but DB and Jo did the same thing'.^

This is exactly what will happen one day. It doesn’t matter if I ask SIL to keep it to herself, I know she will tell her Mum. Her mother will make a nasty comment about it one day (although she’s being supportive right now, she has form!). I shouldn’t care but I do.

But again, doesn't that tell you that your anger isn't about your DH's conversation with his sister?

samyeagar · 07/07/2021 20:51

@Husbandno5

It was ‘technically’ your medical information to share, but it is an experience he went through also. IMO It is 100% not unreasonable to share an experience that he went through with whoever he chooses. It sounds like he was just trying to comfort his sister, which is a nice thing to do for his sis. You did go through it, so I it would have been nice to ask you first but he probably had some emotional feeling about it too, which is completely his experience to share. You can’t tell him, he’s not allowed to share his experience with who he wants to. I feel like that’s quite controlling. That said, I can understand why you are hurt. I hope you feel better. Especially as he has apologised once he knew it upset, I do feel in this situation he hasn’t really knowingly done anything wrong, and I probably would do the same.

See, this is where terminations and miscarriages get very muddied. While absolutely it is the womans sole choice to have a termination, and her story to share, the man involved also has his own story and lived experience that is completely his. The woman can share her experience and receive support without having it tied in any way to the man, because the entire process for her is contained within her own body and emotional space. Because the very nature of the situation requires the woman to have physically gone through it, the man cannot share his experience without it being tied directly back to the woman. Very messy when high charged and extremely personal emotions are involved.

My ex-wife and I had been married for a decade or so when she an early term miscarriage. The way I was dismissed, shut down, marginalized, as if I was not allowed to have it have any effect on me, because I didn't actually go through anything, by her and others through the aftermath of that. It ultimately left me feeling more relief than anything else that there was not going to be another child brought into our relationship.

GertietheGherkin · 07/07/2021 20:59

Hmmmm I'm always puzzled by the logic in these circumstances. So if I guy has sex with a woman and a child is conceived, it's the womans' decision as to whether she wants to have a termination, as it's her child, her body, her emotions according to some. The guy is supposedly not worth considering... But, if the woman decides to keep the child, the man still has no say, but he's expected by law to pay for the child... I find the logic in that very skewed.
If the woman has a termination the child is hers according to some... If she stays with the partner and has further pregnancies then the child becomes their child? It's a two person process. So the man shouldn't always be cut out of the equation.

OP it sounds very much like you've hidden your termination, and it's an unresolved situation that you would be best seeking a counsellor to work through your emotions and feelings.
It seems you still have unresolved feelings towards your husband too, in that you had to go through it alone, that was beyond his control, they wouldn't allow him in to be with you.

If he is close to his sister, and she's confided in him, he's shared his ( and yours) experience of a termination. It was obviously meant to help and understand her feelings, he's tried to console her, I don't think he can be villified for sharing his feelings with his Sister, they're family.

SecretSpAD · 07/07/2021 21:00

Many years before we met, a girlfriend of my husband had an abortion. He told me because he needed to talk through his feelings and emotions from that time (a complicated picture of relief and curiosity about what the child would have been like combined with guilt for being responsible for putting her in that position and a lot of other feelings). She knew he told me and she didn't like it. His, and my, feeling is that even though he supported her completely, it is and will always be part of his story and so he does have the right to share with me, his wife, or whoever he wishes.

It is definitely a woman's decision whether or not to continue with a pregnancy, but if a man knows that pregnancy will be terminated then he's going to have feelings and thoughts about it, even if it is relief.

Brefugee · 07/07/2021 21:09

Take two to make a baby so should be two to make a decision.

Nope. Nope. Nope. If I'm pregnant and i decide on an abortion there is no way on earth anyone else can force me not to. Nobody.

I think this is inexcusable and i would never forgive it. Never. I certainly wouldn't be telling my DH anything outside of what's for dinner for a good long while, if ever.

I could be on board with it if my DH came home and asked my permission. And deffo echo others: tell him in no uncertain terms that this doesn't go any further. At all. Ever.

bjjgirl · 07/07/2021 21:14

YABU, it's his sister he wanted to help.

Let it go, he has apologised, honestly holding into anger is not going to help you.

Fwiw ex dp father of my 2 children and I he an abortion - I wouldn't mind if he had old even a friend or colleague to help them if they were going through the same.

In this position I wouldn't mind as he is trying to help a woman who is struggling with her decision, I would be proud of him

LizzieW1969 · 07/07/2021 21:16

YANBU to be upset, but I also understand where he was coming from in trying to support his sister, who is going through a similar experience.

He should have asked you first, though, absolutely.

Queenoftheflumps02 · 07/07/2021 21:19

Your DH, in my opinion, was wrong to tell his DSis about your abortion, without discussing it with you first.

If you and your DH agreed at the time, you would keep your decision private, to the extent you didn't tell your DM, then he should have respected and honoured this decision. It was not up to him to make a unilateral decision to tell someone, even his sister, about your abortion. I'm sure he could have offered support and empathy without disclosing your personal medical information.

TheValeyard · 07/07/2021 21:20

YANBU, but i can see why he did it. It sounds like it was a kind but thoughtless thing to do, that might have seemed like the right thing to offer comfort or advice, or in the heat of an emotional discussion.

On balance, he was definitely in the wrong, but i can see how it happened.

Take two to make a baby so should be two to make a decision.

No, just no.

notanothertakeaway · 07/07/2021 21:22

@Summersun2020

Oh just fuck OFF with the “it was his experience too”. No it wasn’t. NOT his body, NOT his abortion, NOT his decision to share. Op I’m so so sorry hes betrayed you in this way. I would be so upset.

I know someone whose GF had a termination, joint decision, and he took it really, really badly. So, in his case, he absolutely experienced it

So yes, it's a far bigger issue for the woman, but I don't agree that it has no impact on the man

Strictly1 · 07/07/2021 21:40

@Summersun2020

Are you saying it had nothing to do with him then?

EKGEMS · 07/07/2021 21:44

@JoSummer So your husband at the time requested you to keep it quiet but then breaks your confidentiality to blab it to his sister to make her feel better vs you being able to confide in other people at the time? Hmm I call that hypocrisy and I would be incandescent

Viviennemary · 07/07/2021 21:44

Even if it has an impact on the man it's not his right to share such a personal thing especially as in this case quite a long period of time has elapsed and they both chose not to share it with family at the time.

Strictly1 · 07/07/2021 21:46

I understand you're upset but I think it was something that impacted him too. He has apologised and had good intentions.
For those saying it was only the OP's body, pregnancy- do you really think that men should have no feelings or involvement until the baby is born?

Holly60 · 07/07/2021 21:50

It’s really interesting the split between people referring to an abortion as just ‘a medical procedure’ and those recognising that actually there was a baby (and that the baby had two parents) of course the medical procedure part is horrific, and belongs entirely to OP, but the partner also lost a baby. Perhaps he didn’t go into massive detail with his sister about the actual procedure (which of course she can find it in from other sources) but was able to talk to her about the reality of losing a baby to abortion- because he did experience that, and of course there can be and often is grief there for both partners - male and female.

Of course he couldn’t talk about his own experiences of baby loss through abortion without it being obvious that it was his partner who had actually had to go through the procedure.

samyeagar · 07/07/2021 21:54

@Strictly1

I understand you're upset but I think it was something that impacted him too. He has apologised and had good intentions. For those saying it was only the OP's body, pregnancy- do you really think that men should have no feelings or involvement until the baby is born?

This is where differing biology combined with body autonomy gets complicated. The entire process, physical and emotional, for a woman can be completely self contained and removed from the man. For a man, there is no physical, and his emotional is directly tied to the woman, so he does not have any real autonomy.

Which is why men really need to think long and hard about who they breed with.

ivfgottwins · 07/07/2021 22:02

So your husband at the time requested you to keep it quiet

No the OP said it was 100% a joint decision not to tell anyone

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/07/2021 22:03

If he absolutely had to talk about his experience in order to support his sister, then why did he have to say who it was with. He could have been vague about the partner.

toocold54 · 07/07/2021 22:04

In this position I wouldn't mind as he is trying to help a woman who is struggling with her decision, I would be proud of him

I completely agree.
If my brother told me about his gf I’d be so thankful that he shared it and he felt it’s not something to be ashamed or embarrassed about which we often feel which is why we keep it secret.

Littlecaf · 07/07/2021 22:06

“ It is definitely a woman's decision whether or not to continue with a pregnancy, but if a man knows that pregnancy will be terminated then he's going to have feelings and thoughts about it, even if it is relief.”

This. My BFF had a late term abortion many years ago. Her DP was devastated. She was very angry he was devastated. Absolutely her choice to terminate but it doesn’t stop the man from having feelings about it. We spoke about it at the time and although she needed comfort and understanding I recall expressing sympathy for her DPs feelings but trying to do it tentatively without hurting her. Sending OP.

BusyLizzie61 · 07/07/2021 22:16

I think that yabu.

It was his baby too, so of course it has affected him.

If you're not ashamed, and believe it was the right decision, I don't really see what the issue is with him sharing, in an appropriate manner; it wasn't t mates down the pub after 1 too many, as a badge of honour or similar shit.

I would imagine that you've shared information, however notable with other s, when he'd have preferred not...

As for talk of separation, that's ott imo. You had an abortion. You made that choice. Live and stand by it.

EKGEMS · 07/07/2021 22:50

@ivfgottwins Ok-thanks for that correction on my post. I'd be upset if it were me but looks like it's a pretty divided consensus

User135792468 · 07/07/2021 22:56

This reply has been deleted

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