DH told his sister about my abortion

[JoSummer]

AIBU to be distraught about this? I can’t work out whether I’m being too sensitive but I have felt like crying all day.

DH met his single sister today (she’s 25) who told him she is pregnant and will be having an abortion. It’s very early and she’s made the decision herself but was a bit upset. He decided to comfort her - and I do believe his intentions were honest/ good - by telling her that “we” had an abortion many many years ago (more than a decade ago) when we first got together.

This is something I have never told a soul. It was important to me that no one ever knew. That was just my way of coping with it. We talked about it at the time but he’s saying he “can’t remember” that he wasn’t supposed to share. I can’t believe he used something so personal to comfort another person, when I went through it alone.

@TabithaTiger

I can totally understand why you're upset, I would be too. But I think he did it with good intention and was just trying to help his sister. I certainly wouldn't see this as a reason to end the relationship if you're otherwise happy.

100% this.

I’m sorry it’s obviously brought up a lot of painful memories for you

If you feel there was good reason for the abortion then I don’t see what the problem is?

To answer some questions… he didn’t betray his sister as she told him that he could tell me.

I didn’t tell my Mum at the time partly because DH wanted it to be kept private! I’m not saying I disagreed, but it was 100% a joint decision to keep it to ourselves. I also felt she might be disappointed. She has made comments in the past along the lines of “I know everyone is different but I could never terminate a baby..” She is a lovely mum and, deep down, I know she’d comfort me. But I am scared she would see me as different to her, less maternal or caring somehow. For context I now have 2 DC.

The final thing to say is that we all have a dreadful relationship with MIL. DH doesn’t speak to her. So the thought that he told his sister and didn’t stop to think that she might tell her Mum - which I personally think she will - is horrible.

@SurferRona

And definitely do as *@ButYouJustPointedToAIIOfMe* says. Your husband is not ‘D’, he’s a selfish self centred prick.

Selfish implies doing something purely for his own benefit.

Your post couldn't be more dumb.

Can you phone his sister and ask her to keep it to herself?

@JoSummer

To answer some questions… he didn’t betray his sister as she told him that he could tell me.

I didn’t tell my Mum at the time partly because DH wanted it to be kept private! I’m not saying I disagreed, but it was 100% a joint decision to keep it to ourselves. I also felt she might be disappointed. She has made comments in the past along the lines of “I know everyone is different but I could never terminate a baby..” She is a lovely mum and, deep down, I know she’d comfort me. But I am scared she would see me as different to her, less maternal or caring somehow. For context I now have 2 DC.

The final thing to say is that we all have a dreadful relationship with MIL. DH doesn’t speak to her. So the thought that he told his sister and didn’t stop to think that she might tell her Mum - which I personally think she will - is horrible.

Sorry OP, but as others have said it may be best to talk to someone about this. Even after all this time you seem overly concerned with other peoples opinions of it than what you actually went through and moving on from it. It sounds like you and your DH managed to move on from it but there's always a shadow there.

Wow - people are being very harsh on your husband. He was trying to comfort his sister. That does not make him a selfish or a liar. I think you should consider counselling giving the situation is triggering so much upset for you.

Has he called her, repeated his love and support, told her that in trying to empathise he had told her something that he should not have, and that she must not pass it on - to her family or anyone else?

If not, get him on to that right now. And then you can get started with moving on and forgiving him.

Blimey, this has really brought the man hating vipers out...!

I really don’t see the point in being livid or fuming about this, if he’s generally someone you think of as a kind and decent person, who made a shit mistake and apologized as soon he he realised…what more is there to say? He can’t undo it now. Personally I would dream of divorcing over this issue but you have to do what’s right for you.

I can see where you're coming from OP.

The fact that no-one seems to have a good relationship with your MIL means that it only takes MIL to say something along the lines of 'how could you, that's awful' or similar (if that's her belief) and SIL may go on the defensive with 'but DB and Jo did the same thing'.

It's fine sharing things with people and he obviously had good intentions and, yes, it is his memory too. But you really have to trust the person you're confiding in and, if SIL is under pressure is she likely to tell? It's not hers to share but she may also not be prepared to have to take MIL or anyone else's remarks (if they're made) all on her shoulders.

I have a feeling your DH is beginning to realise he may have made a mistake by telling without talking to you. You kept his (and your) 'secret' and he's let yours (and his) go. What's out is out now unfortunately.

@DreamingofTimbuktu

Wow - people are being very harsh on your husband. He was trying to comfort his sister. That does not make him a selfish or a liar. I think you should consider counselling giving the situation is triggering so much upset for you.

using the termination HE 'originally' wanted nobody to know about to comfort her ?!

He needs to tell his sister in the firmest of terms that this information must not be shared.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you - it must be reviving a lot of the feelings you had at the time. I do agree with others that counselling might be worth considering, to explore your feelings and express your frustration in a safe space.

Your husband needs to understand that he has some reflecting to do about the burden you carried at that time, which clearly he didn’t carry. You say he wasn’t particularly emotional about the decision, that he was the influence that made you decide to keep it private. He’s put a massive burden on you because of both of those factors. I think both you and he need to process some of that buried emotion.

@IdblowJonSnow

I think it's perfectly understandable that OP feels extremely privately about her termination without assuming there is any shame attached to that.

Yanbu to be angry and hurt OP. I guess I can understand his motivation but he should have kept schtum for your sake.

I can understand the motivation, but he should never have said anything without OP's agreement. It's her medical info after all.

And then there's the other side. He happily told OP about his sister's dilemma. Did she agree he could tell OP?

He now needs to mend this as far as possible, certainly by talking to his sister and asking her not to tell anyone.

@powershowerforanhour

*Would he be OK his sister knowing details about his penis if he needed an op on that?

Or for symmetry, would he be happy if the OP shared details of her husband’s traumatic genital surgery with her brother?

So you think an abortion is on the same level as genital surgery? I am 100% pro choice, and it is always the womans choice, but it does take 2 to make a baby.

It doesnt take 2 to require genital surgery*

If my husband was considering a vasectomy it's 100% his choice but I'd expect him to discuss it with me first and hear my feelings on the subject. It would affect me a bit- the door slamming shut on the possibility of any more children with him ever, and therefore probably no more children for me ever unless we split up (neither of us want another but at present we are only 99.5% sure of that I suppose).

If he had one, and then I blabbed all to my brother a few years later if he was contemplating one, DH would have every right to be upset.

While not an exact analogue in any way this was the first thing that came to my mind. I had a vasectomy about 15 years ago. I live here in the United States, and the first thing that struck me was that I actually had to have signed consent from my then wife to get one. The urologist would not even schedule the procedure until consent was provided. Yes, as recently as a bit over a decade ago, the state I live in, while not a codified law, the state medical boards had a policy requiring men to obtain spousal consent before getting a vasectomy.

We have since divorced and I am remarried now, and my current wife has regularly told other people about me being fixed. Never with any malice, and always in context. I can't fully explain why, but it always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

And I do have mixed feelings around her sharing that because on one hand, she wasn't even the one who had to sign the consent form, so not really a shared experience at all, but on the other hand, the fact that I have had a vasectomy does have an impact on our now shared experiences.

YANBU

If he wanted to share HIS story with his sister then he could have said "I was in a relationship once where we made that choice".

^The fact that no-one seems to have a good relationship with your MIL means that it only takes MIL to say something along the lines of 'how could you, that's awful' or similar (if that's her belief) and SIL may go on the defensive with 'but DB and Jo did the same thing'.^

This is exactly what will happen one day. It doesn’t matter if I ask SIL to keep it to herself, I know she will tell her Mum. Her mother will make a nasty comment about it one day (although she’s being supportive right now, she has form!). I shouldn’t care but I do.

YANBU. It’s an appalling betrayal of trust.

I'd be so upset Op but not sure there's much you can actually do. Unless you consider splitting up with him over it, given he has apologised you need to let it go.

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation. So totally unforgivable of your DH. I'd probably ask him to leave and give me some space if only to absolutely drive home how he has totally broken your trust

It was your experience alone, termination is the most lonely experience there is. I am sorry he betrayed your trust.

Would he be OK his sister knowing details about his penis if he needed an op on that?

If he had testicular cancer and chose to remove a testicle and then OPs brother had to make that decision I think it’s completely reasonable to mention how DH had it done and how he made that decision etc.

OP you say you’re more worried about MIL but if she’s that judgey I doubt SIL is going to mention she’s doing it so she’s then not going to tell her about you as she’s done the same thing.

If she has a mother who is that judgemental then thank God she has a brother she can confide in.

He was wrong. But I (slightly) understand his motivation in comforting his sister. However, I would expect an apology and acknowledgment he was wrong.

There are very few people you can truly trust to keep something like this to themselves, but your husband should be one of them. Unfortunately, most people are incapable of keeping a secret and I think it’s entirely possible your SIL will share this at least with her own mother if it serves her own purpose to do so.

If someone tells me something in confidence, they can be 100% sure I will not share it, even with my husband. It’s not my information to share,

Normally I would be fuming - under the circumstances I think it's understandable