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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

175 replies

Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:18

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 07/07/2021 15:21

That's not a lot of information. Who cooks and cleans up after them.
Bit yes he does sound lazy if he doesn't want to take them out and do things without you

InDogBeersIveOnlyHadOne · 07/07/2021 15:21

Sounds a bit lazy yeah, how often are they there?

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:23

Sorry I'll expand.

They come for tea in the week and stay over on weekends.

Cooking/cleaning is split generally and that remains the same whether they are here or not.

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/07/2021 15:23

I'm happy to call him lazy on that basis. He's their parent, he should be capable of looking after them on his own sometimes and he should have some interest in taking them out and ideas for this, at least some of the time.

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:31

I suggested the other day that they spend some quality time together this afternoon minus me, a bike ride and meal out perhaps (things that they like)

He said that sounded good. Great idea.

Today comes and I'm under the impression that was the plan then he tells me with an hour to spare that he hasn't budgeted for it and they're just going to relax indoors again.

This is where I run the risk of looking like the bad one, I was looking forward to an empty flat as I have some time sensitive and difficult admin I need to be doing.

Then it got me to thinking, he hasn't actually done anything with them minus me for a long time now and i think its quite lazy parenting be honest.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/07/2021 15:34

He tries to stop you leaving your home because his DC are over?

Why?!

nimbuscloud · 07/07/2021 15:34

Yes it is. He is lazy, detached and emotionally stunted from the sounds of it.
And it’s his children who will suffer because of it
Thankfully you don’t mention shared children so it sounds as if you dodged a bullet there

frazzledasarock · 07/07/2021 15:35

I’d be extremely busy and be out the house as much possible.

I wouldn’t give a shit what he thinks.

Therealjudgejudy · 07/07/2021 15:36

Next time they are over, take yourself out for the day.

HoboSexualOnslow · 07/07/2021 15:36

Very lazy. As lovely as my dads partner was, I wanted alone time with him to bond.

FetchezLaVache · 07/07/2021 15:36

You can't make him do things with his kids, but you absolutely can (and must) decline to be ordered to remain at home when they're here, if you'd rather not.

frazzledasarock · 07/07/2021 15:37

Who’s flat is it?

Soubriquet · 07/07/2021 15:38

He’s a lazy psrebt

Soubriquet · 07/07/2021 15:38

Parent*

FrenchBoule · 07/07/2021 15:38

Go out and leave him with the kids. He’s not keen? Boo hoo poor wee mite for having to actually parent HIS kids.
You’re not a wicked stepmother.

Everybody needs some time alone, kids or stepkids.

He sounds not only lazy but also controlling.

Emmylou1985 · 07/07/2021 15:38

Lazy. Next time they're over, make sure you've made plans for yourself. My ex did this all the time with his daughter and I and I always felt like I was there to just pay for stuff and keep her entertained (and also that he was keeping tabs on me). Tell him you're going out and won't be in for tea. Even if it means going for a walk round the shops and nipping through the drive thru for a carpark solo burger on your way back.

Wrotten · 07/07/2021 15:39

What would happen if you said you were going out to meet a friend when the step children were over? Would he stop you?

MaMaD1990 · 07/07/2021 15:39

To be honest, I would let him crack on as he is. If he tries to involve you then just say "no thanks, I've got x y z to do - you all have a nice time though". They aren't your kids at the end of the day and it's not your job to be there just for the sake of it. If he brings it up then be honest but I wouldn't go out of my way to constantly tell him he should be doing more with them. You've said your piece and if you remove yourself from the situation, there's no need for you to keep on at him for his parenting style (albeit a very lazy one).

TacoSunday · 07/07/2021 15:40

I find it very odd that he is uncomfortable spending time alone with them. He certainly sounds like he wants minimum effort parenting.

As others have said, I would just tell him that you’re going out on xyz day to do whatever it is you fancy. It sounds like he’s being very controlling.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 15:41

I'd say "that's ok I'm going out anyway so you'll still get alone time" and then go out for the day and have a lovely time.

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:41

He doesn't stop me leaving the house when they are here per se, but acts dissapointed that I want to (in his words) "get away from them"

He also takes my suggestion that he takes them out as me rejecting them and not wanting them here in general which isn't true.

When he told me today that he wasn't taking them out today but instead spending the evening here I asked why he'd changed his mind and he said he "can't afford to take them out every week"

I asked him to clarify when I have ever suggested that he should and he said "well that's the impression I'm getting from you"

Basically he's saying I clearly don't want them here.

No rejection from me at all btw they're great kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:42

@frazzledasarock

Who’s flat is it?
Rented in my name but it's his home aswell for all intents and purposes.
OP posts:
Soubriquet · 07/07/2021 15:43

Have you said plain and simple “you need to spend some time with your kids. I love them, they are great, but you are their father and need to make more of an effort with them”

MaMaD1990 · 07/07/2021 15:43

@Maybeitsme5

He doesn't stop me leaving the house when they are here per se, but acts dissapointed that I want to (in his words) "get away from them"

He also takes my suggestion that he takes them out as me rejecting them and not wanting them here in general which isn't true.

When he told me today that he wasn't taking them out today but instead spending the evening here I asked why he'd changed his mind and he said he "can't afford to take them out every week"

I asked him to clarify when I have ever suggested that he should and he said "well that's the impression I'm getting from you"

Basically he's saying I clearly don't want them here.

No rejection from me at all btw they're great kids.

Yeah he's just projecting here. He knows he's being a lazy arse and is twisting it round on you. I wouldn't put up with that.
frazzledasarock · 07/07/2021 15:43

I’d reword that. ‘When have you ever taken the children on a day out?’