Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

[Maybeitsme5]

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

If he's using his kids to get at you, he's an awful, awful man.

I wrote a big long waffly reply explaining what happened to me... but that's not for here...

Basically I'd see if you can sit down and talk about it openly and without throwing accusations... i.e. you need and want your space, and would want this even if the children were YOURS... that's NOT unreasonable! The best way to maintain a relationship is space - and children need to build relationships with both of you.

Ask him what he wants from the relationship, from you... He needs to want to be with you for YOU, not for your help with his kids (sorry, I've been there... ) ... you deserve someone who values YOUR company, and also your need for space and time apart where you can miss each other and look forward to coming back together again. It's lovely you do things together, but I would agree and in fact would definitely say that I love the ability to share trips all together and it means a lot to you, but you want to be supportive of their special relationship with him as their dad.

(Can I ask - if I haven't missed it, how long have you been with him? Also has he got his own place and just stays with you because it's convenient, bigger, suits the children more? If you ended the relationship just out of curiosity would he have a problem leaving your place?)

I would say you defo ANBU.

I made a point of saying within earshot of the kids how nice it would be to do XYZ this weekend then made a point of asking the youngest if she'd enjoy going to Pottery.

Of course she said yes so that's decided, we're going to do pottery, non negotiable.

Some really good advice and perspectives throughout the thread, thank you all.

BeenThere, we've been together 4 years and living together for 3 of those. He did have his own place before moving in here (also rented) but we decided between us that he'd move in with me here rather than renewing the tenancy that was coming to an end, as we were looking to move in together anyway.

He isn't the sort to cause me any problems in the event of a split if I wanted the flat back to myself. He's not malicious just lazy.

@Maybeitsme5, you're a lovely person and your concern for your DP's children is very clear but it's absolutely time to give him a damn good kick up the arse. He's their DF, he's supposed to want them to be happy and entertained, not try to palm it all onto you. Time for a very frank talk, tell him "being disappointed" if you're not with them is crap, they're his DC and if he can't step up and look after them it's his fault and no one elses.
What is it with men and this idea it's a women's job to look after DC even when the're not their own?

Thanks Maybeitsme5... sorry just quickly read the whole thread!!!

I was with my ex for 15 years and similar situation (I say similar loosely as my ex didn't really get on with his children at all, they were scared of him and also of their mum and so I took the brunt of trying to care for them and show them some fun but they were well and truly stuck in the middle!) ... however similar situation in that I took them out, he would sit in front of his computer... 'would you like to come swimming with me and the children?' 'No, you go... it's fine'... many many occasions... The youngest would just come everywhere with me to get out of the house otherwise they'd just watch TV and be on their devices!! We'd have a load of fun and I'm closest to him despite a LOT of seriously difficult situations!

I probably wouldn't fan the fire of conflict and confront him as to whether he said something or not - and defo not in front of the kids - but I would defo be completely YOU with the children, the you they love to spend time around and be around - and if you just ask them if they're ok they don't seem themselves, you are giving them the opportunity to talk to you. If you think he has said something, then rather than ask... just confirm what is the truth, i.e. that you love seeing them and spending time with them, and you care about them and if they are ok - and reassure them they can talk to you if they're having problems at school or with friends etc., - give them the reassurance that you haven't changed! Children aren't stupid - they are just put in difficult positions and have no way of knowing how to handle it, it might confuse them especially if they are being told you don't want them around!! My SC are all grown up now and, thankfully, can see more clearly how things were - if you are consistent in your behaviour, and he is consistent (lazy) in his, then it will be obvious what the truth is - actions speak louder than words.

I think it's clear you care very much for them, and I absolutely think it's imperative for you to have some time for yourself - whilst they aren't your children, someone said that to all intents and purposes they are as you are in the relationship. My experience makes me slightly disagree with that - simply because in my (humble) experience when you enter a relationship with someone with children your priority is to care for them, but not to push yourself into a role in their life that you aren't... i.e. mum - they have a mum (I may also have missed any reference to her if you have made one? Sorry!!) ... but you are a part of their dad's life and it sounds like they fully accept you which is utterly lovely...

Lastly, I really hope he gives you the attention and love you deserve for the love you show him and his children! He doesn't know how lucky he is! Take care of yourself, most important - and be you always!

If by any chance you're thinking of having a child with this man, I'd think again.

He sounds like a lazy sod who doesn't much care about his kids!

I would suggest you tell him to shape up - and you find his lack of care very unattractive, or you just start booking things for them to do, with or without you, so he has no excuse.

Not sure what your long term plans are with him, but to be honest there are a number of red flags here - especially if you want kids of your own! Also, not sure if his clinginess to you is born from laziness or insecurity, but I wouldn't find it an attractive feature to be honest.

He is lazy. He doesn’t want the attention on him to actually do anything. He wants you there because you interact and then he does not need to do it all.

I couldn't stand being with such a lazy useless lump who can't be fucked parenting his own kids.

Wonder if this is why he and his ex broke up...

@osbertthesyrianhamster

He's a shit parent and he'd be an ex. I can't respect a lazy, shit parent much less shag him.

This just about covers it for me

My suggestion of you taking your DSC out wasn't to say you aren't doing enough another poster may have thought. It's because you clearly do like your DP & DSC so it's worth trying different options to try to encourage change in general.

It's great you have spoken to DC and started discussions. During pottery this weekend you could chat casually about other ideas and, once he hears their ideas, you could pull back as DSC chat to him about cycling/football etc.

….is there any question a woman can ask that won’t lead to the suggestion that the bloke should be ditched?

“My husband insists on keeping an ancient denim jacket.”

“Leave the bastard.”

“He thinks his horrible beard is cool.”

“Red flag! LTB!”

“He farts like a wizard.”

“Run and don’t look back!”

What’s wrong with ‘relationships are hard work, and often disappointing, but vehicles for mutual improvement and understanding, so worth working on’?

The bloke’s getting this wrong. That needs to be explained to him. Probably worth giving that a try before burning the whole thing to the ground.

I don’t know @WalkingOnTheCracks but it sounds to me that the OP has already pointed out the issue many times.
She has helped him to organise stuff at the weekend too.

And he STILL comes up with excuses and doesn’t want to make an effort…

Have you read what the OP has posted @WalkingOnTheCracks? She has asked and raised this with her DP but he still doesn't take any steps to improve the situation.

I'm with @WalkingOnTheCracks this isn't an automatic LTB time, it's a time to talk and try new things. We are just getting through lockdowns and Covid pressures and many of us are stuck in a rut.

I say this as someone who says LTB quickly when relationships are abusive though!

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come.

He sounds like a half arsed dad and a half arsed partner tbh. Neither are very attractive qualities at all!

They're here now and the eldest who is usually full of beans when they arrive hasn't so much as said hello and gone straight to the iPad so I'm wondering if he's said something to them to make them feel unwelcome

Sounds like he has, which makes him sound like an even more rubbish dad and partner.

I think after 3/4 years I would be reevaluating if I thought he was a long term prospect considering his attitude, level of effort and now potentially willingness to use his kids as pawns or put adult burdens / tensions on their shoulders.

@WalkingOnTheCracks

….is there any question a woman can ask that won’t lead to the suggestion that the bloke should be ditched?

“My husband insists on keeping an ancient denim jacket.”

“Leave the bastard.”

“He thinks his horrible beard is cool.”

“Red flag! LTB!”

“He farts like a wizard.”

“Run and don’t look back!”

What’s wrong with ‘relationships are hard work, and often disappointing, but vehicles for mutual improvement and understanding, so worth working on’?

The bloke’s getting this wrong. That needs to be explained to him. Probably worth giving that a try before burning the whole thing to the ground.

Or, some of us can't understand being with someone who has to be told to be the active parent to their own children or persuaded to have time alone with them to develop and maintain the relationship between parent and child.

He isn't the sort to cause me any problems in the event of a split if I wanted the flat back to myself. He's not malicious just lazy.

Unfortunately IME lazy people can become quite malicious if you do something that disrupts their attempts at laziness.

For contrast, my male DP is the sole carer for his DC. He does everything for her and is a very active parent. This is not something that required any input from me. He does it because he's a good parent and a caring man. Yes, relationships require work, but you shouldn't have to work to turn your partner into a half decent human being.

Fear not. Billy1966 will be along in a minute to suggest a solution we can all agree on.

I'm hoping some of you might have some suggestions as to how I reply to one of his most common excuses for his laziness and why he/we cant do anything differently on a weekday afternoon.

(Weekends are a different story, but I'm just interested on your POVs about weekdays)

He collects them from school at 3.20 then they come here until 8.00pm when they go back to their mums house, ready for school the next day.

He claims that taking them to the park, for a bike ride or out for tea / anywhere isn't possible because "there isn't enough time" to do anything other than come straight here and go on their devices whilst they eat tea.

And his favourite one "they have all of their school stuff with them" despite their mums house being a literal stones throw from their school, so he could easily drop their bags off there before he takes them here / anywhere.

He/we could quite easily do something with them after school couldn't we? Or do I have unrealistic expectations for a 5 hour window?

The bloke’s getting this wrong. That needs to be explained to him. Probably worth giving that a try before burning the whole thing to the ground.

I would agree with you if this was a new thing. But it sounds to me like this has been going on for a while.

It has been going on for a while yes, and I have addressed it many times.

He makes all the right noises but then doesn't follow through. There's always an excuse.

Sadly it does appear to me to be 'bare minimum parenting'

So long as the kids are fed and watered that's their lot, unless I'm leading an activity or suggesting one and even then 9 times out of 10 there's a reason why we/he cant do XYZ.

You sound lovely. He sounds lazy and manipulative (implying you don't like them when you clearly think the world of them but quite rightly feel he should make more effort) as well as arguably being a misogynist by thinking you should take the lead with parenting and entertaining them when they are his kids and your step kids.

Please don't feel bad for this making you have a poor opinion of him, I would too and so would all the women I know.

Having a penis doesn't make you less capable of being an engaged and proactive parent. It just seems to make it easier to opt out of.

@Maybeitsme5 yes, it would be perfectly possible to do something in that slot. When my DC finish school at that time, we may go home and have a snack, but will then sometimes go out for a walk/picnic in the park/play in the park/swim/
to meet a friend/skate if it is a nice day. It does require a bit of forward planning, especially these days, but is far far preferable to multiple hours on a screen. If the weather is bad, we bake, or just play whatever they want to. Do they have screen time limits? If not, maybe suggest introducing them, and then they have to do something else.