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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

175 replies

Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:18

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

OP posts:

Original poster

Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 23:29

Thank you everyone, I didn't expect such a unanimously supportive response infact I was preparing to get flamed if anything.

Unfortunately they don't have limits on screen time. They're on devices from the minute they arrive, no sooner have they set their bags down they ask to go on DP's phone or the iPad or xbox and he's happy to let them do that because there's not much else to do stuck indoors well bloody take them out then DP

From what I understand they don't have screen time limits at mum's either and she's happy to let them stay on devices for as long as they like / until they go to bed.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/07/2021 23:36

Do you think he's a good dad?

I don't think I could be with a parent I didn't think was a good parent and maybe that's the crux of it for you.

It's hard to respect or think well of someone who is a bit of a rubbish / disengaged / lazy parent. And it sounds like that's what he is.

It's ok for that to give you the ick and massively put you off someone.

TheSilveryPussycat · 08/07/2021 00:24

I don't suppose it ever crosses his mind that they could all watch a film together...

LaLaLand888 · 08/07/2021 00:58

He's not a good dad. If you are planning on having children, I'd have a hard think whether it's worth continuing this relationship.

tcjotm · 08/07/2021 07:18

Everyone else has said it all but I wanted to say you sound like a lovely step mother. I am sure they would be thrilled to have their dad take them on adventures on the weekend. Some of the best years of my life were when my step mother insisted my dad take their two kids out on a Saturday to give her a rest and I joined them (I lived nearby) And I was in my 20’s by then! It changes the dynamic being with the step parent. It’s not necessarily a bad thing but it’s lovely having time just with your mum or dad.

And yes, that time slot is perfect for a trip to the park. Gets them a bit of exercise, time away from screens. I don’t get the school bag issue. We always stopped off at the park on the way home from school with our bags. If we went home we might not get a chance to go out again!

Szyz2020 · 08/07/2021 07:28

One of the nicest things in the world as a child is getting out of school and then stopping in the park or playground on the way home. Jumpers for goalposts and all that. Dump your kit on the grass and off you go to the swings or whatever. Or go home, get changed, grab your bikes and out you go.

Your DP is miserable and lazy and he’s instilling laziness and screen-reliance in his own kids. I couldn’t stand by and watch this. And I’d take myself out to do fun and interesting things without him at every opportunity. And his response to you is telling.

CandyLeBonBon · 08/07/2021 07:33

@Maybeitsme5

Thank you everyone, I didn't expect such a unanimously supportive response infact I was preparing to get flamed if anything.

From what I understand they don't have screen time limits at mum's either and she's happy to let them stay on devices for as long as they like / until they go to bed.

You sound lovely op and he needs a kick up the arse!

I have been in a similar position with an ex. I undertook a distance learning course, and took myself off to the library to study one Saturday when his kids were round. Like you, I did loads with them - always got up early with them while he had a lie-in, baking, making and doing etc and they were lovely kids but he was also lazy.

He brought them to the library to see me. And couldn't understand why I was upset. It wasn't the kids' fault and I wasn't upset with them but I was furious with him (I didn't show it in front of them) for dumping on me because he couldn't or wouldn't look after his kids without me.

It didn't last! YANBU!

KatherineJaneway · 08/07/2021 07:33

I am sure you are very lovely OP but I do wonder if part of his moving in with you was so you could be the 'parent" who takes them out and about while he sits on his arse at home.

YeokensYegg · 08/07/2021 07:48

You sound lovely.

Is he usually this lazy at home and with you?

MiaowMiaow99 · 08/07/2021 07:57

Well at least you're getting a heads up on how he'll parent any kids you have with him.

HTH1 · 08/07/2021 08:03

I’m not a step parent but would treat them as my own, so all go out as a family but also have some time for yourself.

My reckoning is, if we have had/will have an outing together one day, then it’s no big deal if I also go out for a couple of hours that day to do my own thing.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 08/07/2021 08:05

What a load of shit saying he can't afford it - going to the park for a kick about is free and so are many other things. He is lazy for sure.
Stand your ground OP.

beingsunny · 08/07/2021 08:05

Is it because he doesn't actually know how to connect with them?

Does go out and do things when they aren't around or is he like this in general and only does what you organise?

KatherineSiena · 08/07/2021 09:09

I know you said you’ll suggest pottery and outings/activities and you’ll be wary of setting a precedent but I think you really need to be very careful. The more you take the lead, make arrangements and make things fun for everyone you’re actually facilitating his laziness and even preventing him from developing a meaningful relationship with the children. They and you might have a good time but it isn’t addressing the fundamental problem, it will just mask it.

He knows he’s being idle and he will just hang back until you step in. I think you need to have some very serious discussions because unless he steps up it can’t bode well for your future. I don’t know how old you are but if you want children of your own, he’s not exactly selling himself as a prime lifetime candidate for husband/father is he?

EveryoneIsThere · 08/07/2021 09:14

The poor kids!
I hope you aren't planning to have kids with him! That would be really unfair on any future kids.
I think you need to sit him down and spell out just how unkind and lazy he is being to his kids. Letting them be on screens all that time is awful behaviour.

Weebleweeble · 08/07/2021 09:23

Men always make time for their interests - doing what someone else enjoys is seen as hard work.
He wants to loll on screens so that's what happens.
Poor kids.

ChargingBuck · 08/07/2021 17:19

@Maybeitsme5

I'm hoping some of you might have some suggestions as to how I reply to one of his most common excuses for his laziness and why he/we cant do anything differently on a weekday afternoon.

(Weekends are a different story, but I'm just interested on your POVs about weekdays)

He collects them from school at 3.20 then they come here until 8.00pm when they go back to their mums house, ready for school the next day.

He claims that taking them to the park, for a bike ride or out for tea / anywhere isn't possible because "there isn't enough time" to do anything other than come straight here and go on their devices whilst they eat tea.

And his favourite one "they have all of their school stuff with them" despite their mums house being a literal stones throw from their school, so he could easily drop their bags off there before he takes them here / anywhere.

He/we could quite easily do something with them after school couldn't we? Or do I have unrealistic expectations for a 5 hour window?

Yup.

"DP, you are being ridiculous. You have 5 hours between school pick up & return to their mum's. Why are you putting more effort into inventing reasons not to fully engage with your kids than you do into ... actually engaging with them?"

ChargingBuck · 08/07/2021 17:21

Aaaaand ... you could also say exactly this to him:

Sadly it does appear to me to be 'bare minimum parenting'

So long as the kids are fed and watered that's their lot, unless I'm leading an activity or suggesting one and even then 9 times out of 10 there's a reason why we/he cant do XYZ.

You have no problem articulating your concerns & naming the behaviours to us.
What's preventing you from doing so to him?

Original poster

Maybeitsme5 · 08/07/2021 18:04

You have no problem articulating your concerns & naming the behaviours to us.
What's preventing you from doing so to him?

Nothing - I've told him exactly how I feel and what I think, although he has stood so firmly in the "no time to do anything" excuse I did wonder what others thought about doing activities after school. It's good to get outsiders perspectives.

OP posts:

babybythesea · 09/07/2021 07:57

Weeknight activities are more than possible. That’s when most kids do swimming/brownies etc and they still seem to find time to eat tea and play quietly at home. Might mean being a bit more organised in terms of knowing what you’ll have for tea and making sure he’s home in time to cook it, but it’s perfectly possible.

My eldest used to dance (pre-lockdown) for 2 1/2 hours one weekday night. My youngest would sometimes go home with friends but sometimes we’d walk round the public gardens and boating lake nearby, or go to the beach. I’d make sure I’d done a pasta sauce the night before so all I had to do was heat up rather than cook, but it was more than possible. An hour in the park is easy.

BlueSuffragette · 09/07/2021 08:10

Sorry OP. Meant to vote YANBU. Fat fingers and not properly awake yet.

Justilou1 · 09/07/2021 08:29

Sounds like he’s got himself a nanny to do his parenting for him. I think it’s time that you have a VERY frank talk about the fact that he is the parent and you are not. He is gaslighting you by guilt tripping you when he says things about you not wanting the kids there, etc. He needs to stop offloading the parenting and get the fuck involved.

LookItsMeAgain · 09/07/2021 09:10

Even if they were to take up a sport or activity during those 5 hours, he would have plenty of time to drive them to the activity (say 30 mins each way), for them to particpate in the activity (say 1 hr duration) and have time for something to eat (1 hr) before they go back to their mother. So there would still be over 2 hours left where they could be doing something, anything really. He could play a board game with them or cards or something. Anything that would mean that they would be interacting together and enjoying the time spent together.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/07/2021 10:45

How does he imagine things like Brownies, Cubs, sports teams, after school clubs work if there's 'no time' to do anything after school? Covid has affected things recently of course but it's been the norm for years that kids do that sort of activity after school.

Does he work from home? You mentioned him picking them up from school on days they are with you. If so then he has a more flexible schedule than many. Does he cook dinner? What is he doing with his time?

rantymcrantface66 · 10/07/2021 09:24

After school on weeknights my dc do brownies, guides, swimming (at different times as different levels) and horse riding which is a good journey away. Also used to do gymnastics and dancing. The no time thing is a bit laughable. Try again lazy DP

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