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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

175 replies

Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:18

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 07/07/2021 17:54

@Maybeitsme5

I have a very positive relationship with them, last time they were here I was cooking with the eldest and I'm generally hands on with them. The youngest idolizes me. They rock. They enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs, however I'm aware that it's not really me they come to see and think they'd benefit alot more from spending alone time with their dad.

PP queried whether it's a confidence thing or lack thereof on his part, possibly.

Oh suspect it is very much YOU who they come to see OP.

As to "lack of confidence" - spare me!
How did he manage being a parent before you were on the scene?
You don't need, as PP suggested, to help him gain confidence.
He's fully confident. Whatever he wants, or does not want to do, is what happens, No negotiation, no taking anyone else's wishes into account - it's not that he orders you around, more like it's not worth his acting out if you don't comply ..?

With this update, I don't know why you don't just spontaneously take them somewhere fun next weekend OP. Sounds like you'd have a blast, & no grouchy mcgrouchpants moaning about "budget".

treenu · 07/07/2021 17:55

What does he do with himself when they are not around?

KatherineSiena · 07/07/2021 17:55

What tosh @twinmum2007 It sounds like the OP does more than enough with them, cooking with them etc. What these children need is a decent, interested father not a deadbeat who expects his partner to do all the heavy lifting.

ChargingBuck · 07/07/2021 17:59

I actually suggested museums the other week as an attempt to get them all out of the house which the kids would have loved no doubt, he concluded that it was too much faffing around to do that on the only day it would have been feasible.

To which, next time something similar happens - because we all know it will - your breezy response is -

"well I don't think it's too much faff, or why would I have suggested it. Kids? - do you still fancy the museum? Great, get your shoes on, off we go."

He is really quite controlling.
And he lives in YOUR flat?

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 18:00

I will consider taking them out alone for their sake if they'd like that, that's no problem for me provided it doesn't set the precedent that it becomes my job iykwim.

Should I decide to do that, and I likely will this weekend, I can imagine he would reluctantly come along after making it clear it's an inconvenience.

He doesn't do 'spur of the moment' yet whenever I push him to make plans he comes up with excuses about it not working around work and school.

I told him none of this is good enough and I don't appreciate him projecting onto me and implying the kids aren't welcome here. He said he didn't mean it like that and it was bad wording on his part. Hmm.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 07/07/2021 18:01

@IllForTooLong

Following *@rantymcrantface66 post, what I’m getting from you @Maybeitsme5* is that those children are lucky to have you in your life. Because you actually care about them and make an effort for them. And they know it too. Hence the youngest idolises you….
All of this. It's heartbreaking.
Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 18:02

@HollowTalk

I think he's told them not to approach you tonight. I'd have a talk with them and clarify things.
Yes I do too, I'm worried about what exactly he's said.

Eldest has barely said a peep to me.

I've asked multiple times if he's ok and he just responds to say yes then goes back to looking at the iPad. This isn't like him at all he's always very chatty and wants to interact with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 18:05

If he has said anything to give them the impression they're not wanted here then he's going to have a huge problem when they go home. Huge.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/07/2021 18:07

You need to get it out of your husband now. Tell him if he doesn't talk to you about it then you'll ask the children while he's in the room and tell them exactly what you did say.

KihoBebiluPute · 07/07/2021 18:14

"I have no interest in or intention of being here for another weekend of sitting around bored while the kids are glued to their devices. If you plan a fun activity together for the whole day, I will be elsewhere for the morning to give you all some father-child bonding time together and will join you for icecream in the afternoon so that I don't miss out on everything but I also get some time to myself. If you don't make any plans for any activity then count me out, I will not be here."

LadyJaye · 07/07/2021 18:15

Gosh. What a deeply unattractive man.

I am childfree by choice, but even so, there is nothing that would give me the ick like a man who can't be bothered parenting his own children.

ChargingBuck · 07/07/2021 18:15

I will consider taking them out alone for their sake if they'd like that, that's no problem for me provided it doesn't set the precedent that it becomes my job iykwim.

Yes, I do see exactly what you mean, but think that the effect would be quite the reverse, so long as you remain assertive.
You will have done your bit, & now you have / things to catch up with / a film to zone out to upstairs / a coffee with Sue ./ .. so now it is HIS turn to take over.

Should I decide to do that, and I likely will this weekend, I can imagine he would reluctantly come along after making it clear it's an inconvenience.
Does he make this clear within the children's earshot?
Like it's not bad enough to feel your dad doesn't give a shit, he has to actually MAKE IT CLEAR to them in words?

How many more years do you think you can stomach this reluctance OP? Another 10 - 15, when the kids are independent?
He'll just find something else to be reluctant about then, & you are never going to get the dynamic, outward-looking engagement you desire from this man.

FrenchBoule · 07/07/2021 18:17

OP, I have a 9yo and that’s what he likes

Picnic
Park ride
Forest walks
Kitchen activities
(baking and simple cooking)
Outdoor games(hide and seek)
Board games
Movie nights
Beach trip
Play park

Very little cost to the ones above.
We used to go occasionally to the swimming pool, trampoline park, cinema, bowling...

I’m on the budget so paid activities are now and again (covid has stopped most of them)

I’m disgusted how your “D” P has manipulated situation and turned it round.

Lazy and disinterested father.
He doesn’t deserve these kids.

Poor kids 🙁

FrenchBoule · 07/07/2021 18:18

*bike ride,not park

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/07/2021 18:24

Eldest has barely said a peep to me
Go and ask directly 'you've said something to the kids, what was it? Sounds to me like he's told them 'Maybe is busy with stuff to do, you need to stop taking up her time'. With no thought of filling the gap himself!

he would reluctantly come along after making it clear it's an inconvenience.
He doesn't do 'spur of the moment' yet whenever I push him to make plans he comes up with excuses about it not working around work and school.

What does he bring to your life? He's now starting to sound permanently dull and a drag to be around.

Rubyupbeat · 07/07/2021 18:32

He needs to take them out and do age appropriate things.
When my friends 2 come back from contact, they moan how bored they are, as they just watch tv or go on their iPads.

cordelia16 · 07/07/2021 18:37

@frazzledasarock

I’d reword that. ‘When have you ever taken the children on a day out?’
Exactly what I was going to say.
Enough4me · 07/07/2021 18:39

I think, as you've been together for years, that you having time with DC would be good too.

Firstly you get to spend time with nice young people and second it shows him he cannot use the line that they are unwanted by you, thirdly it shows he could be with them alone too.

My partner of 3 years regularly picks one of my DC up from school, takes them to clubs, is happy to pop to shops with them. He doesn't live with us yet, but is integral to our family group (I do separate stuff with them too & they see their dad).

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 07/07/2021 18:44

I think you're finding out why the mother of his children doesn't want to be with him.

If this is his shoddy attitude to parenting, I can well imagine she was happy to see the back of him.

Just don't have any children of your own with him.

Blueskytoday06 · 07/07/2021 18:51

My EX is like this. He never spends anytime with DD's on their own. His partner is always there. I've no idea why he can't do stuff with them ? Other than perhaps he CBA.

Isthisit22 · 07/07/2021 18:51

What do you and DP do on weekends you don't have the kids? I'd be bored out of my mind just staying in all of the time.
Can't believe he used to take them to the zoo etc and now has just stopped completely. Very sad for those children. How can you find him attractive when he's showing such ugly behaviour?
Do you want children with him?

Isthisit22 · 07/07/2021 18:53

@Enough4me

I think, as you've been together for years, that you having time with DC would be good too.

Firstly you get to spend time with nice young people and second it shows him he cannot use the line that they are unwanted by you, thirdly it shows he could be with them alone too.

My partner of 3 years regularly picks one of my DC up from school, takes them to clubs, is happy to pop to shops with them. He doesn't live with us yet, but is integral to our family group (I do separate stuff with them too & they see their dad).

Read the OP. You've totally missed the point. The OP is worried that DP does not spend any quality time with his kids. That needs to change.
Lurcherloves · 07/07/2021 18:54

In my experience it’s all to easy to brand a step mother ‘wicked’. Unfortunately popular depictions of step mothers are often of the wicked step mother and it’s difficult to shake off. If you set a boundary or parent in a different way to their mother you can easily be wicked. If you don’t want to be put on with extra domestic burden, you are wicked etc etc

Ourlady · 07/07/2021 18:58

Those poor kids having such a lazy arse for a dad. How can you even want to be with someone so bloody useless.

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 19:00

I demanded DP tell me what he'd said to the kids and he swears blind not a thing.

I took eldest for a walk to the corner shop and said he could speak to me if there was anything bothering him as I was worried he wasn't himself. He said he was just tired from school and perked right up when we got back from the shop. I'll revisit the subject with DP when they go home at 8 as I'm not completely satisfied that he hasn't said something.

OP posts: