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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

175 replies

Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:18

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

OP posts:
MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 15:44

@Soubriquet

Have you said plain and simple “you need to spend some time with your kids. I love them, they are great, but you are their father and need to make more of an effort with them”
This is perfect. And even if you did want time away from them that is ok as they aren't your kids! I want time away from my own child sometimes!
TheNameTheWebsiteForgot · 07/07/2021 15:45

I bike ride costs nothing. He is just a lazy fuck.

I hope you never plan on having kids with him.

HappyWipings · 07/07/2021 15:45

He does sound lazy.

Also , its perfectly acceptable that you have things you wish to do alone some of the time they stay with you. If I were you I'd take myself out for the afternoon the next time they come. How very dull (for them and you) if you're stuck in together every time they visit.

For context , I do things with my eldest (husband is not their father) on my own often. It's really nice.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/07/2021 15:46

Don't let him get away with that. Say 'you know that's not true. I am happy to have them here. The impression I'm getting is that you're making very little effort with your kids and expecting me to compensate for that, which is disappointing for me and them'.

He could still have taken them out for a bike ride - that's free. And what's he spent all his money on that he has none left for them?

HyacynthBucket · 07/07/2021 15:46

Poor children. What a deadbeat dad, and emotional void he is. He sounds scared to be alone with his own children, or is he just lazy?
If it is a confidence thing, maybe you can encourage him, OP, but ultimately it is up to him to parent his own kids. Can you say things along the lines of how lovely it is for children generally to do things with their dads?

Sally872 · 07/07/2021 15:47

He acts disappointed because you want yo get away. Likely he is disappointed as he prefers you being there for adult company and for help. Ignore his disappointment he will soon get used to it, likely the children and your partner will benefit and you are doing nothing wrong.

Nogardenersworld · 07/07/2021 15:49

I don’t understand why the options are all sit in the house on devices
Or he takes them out for quality time

Can’t you all go out together for quality time?
Can’t you have quality time in the house?

Why does quality time have to cost a lot?
He can’t afford to take them to the park?

He is a crap parent
But I also understand why he’s disappointed you don’t want to build more of a relationship with them and all do fun stuff together

Ultimately those poor kids have to leave their mum, to go sit in their dads gfs house, on their tablets, whilst their lazy dad basically says he can’t afford to interact with them and their sort of step mum is pushed to hang out with them

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:49

@Soubriquet

Have you said plain and simple “you need to spend some time with your kids. I love them, they are great, but you are their father and need to make more of an effort with them”
Absolutely yes, perhaps not word for word but I've paraphrased exactly that many times.

He agrees then cites his work schedule / their schooling as being barriers.

He's just about to return to work after being off for 2 weeks after a small medical procedure and funnily enough didn't utilize any of that time off to do anything remotely different with the kids, just tea and staring at screens for the duration.

OP posts:
KatherineSiena · 07/07/2021 15:51

It’s sounds very lazy parenting. Of course he wants you around to help out, far less work for him. It’s all so convenient when the step-parent, usually the woman, wants to do something else or go elsewhere then gets accused of not wanting or liking the children. It’s such an easy and cheap cop-out when all the parent is doing is avoiding doing what they should be doing themselves.

I would start putting some very clear boundaries in place. Take yourself off and do your admin in private with door firmly shut. Make arrangements to see friends or family when the children are over. He can’t chain you to the house. Obviously don’t avoid them all the time but ring the changes and let him parent.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 15:53

Have you tried explaining to him that when he is dead all they will have are their memories of him and if he wants them to remember being stuck inside every time then that's up to him. Walking and bike rides are free once you have the bike.

Notaroadrunner · 07/07/2021 15:53

Can’t you all go out together for quality time?

Op wants time to herself, not quality time with her dp's kids. She suggested he needs quality time with them. It seems he can't be bothered spending time with them alone. Probably because he'll actually have to engage with them, mind them himself without op helping out.

@Maybeitsme5 your dp is pathetic and tbh his attitude would put me off him. They are his kids. You should do what you want when you want whether they are at your home or not. He doesn't get to guilt you into staying around just because he can't be arsed to be a proper father. Just go out and leave him to it the next time they are over.

IsolaPribby · 07/07/2021 15:54

So, how is life and your relationship when the step kids aren't with you?

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 15:55

Agree with PP who said he's projecting, OP. If you listen hard enough and long enough to someone telling you what's wrong with you and your thinking, you are hearing their confession.

He is the one who doesn't much enjoy having his children over and can't really be bothered to interact with them.

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:57

I have a very positive relationship with them, last time they were here I was cooking with the eldest and I'm generally hands on with them. The youngest idolizes me. They rock. They enjoy my company and I enjoy theirs, however I'm aware that it's not really me they come to see and think they'd benefit alot more from spending alone time with their dad.

PP queried whether it's a confidence thing or lack thereof on his part, possibly.

OP posts:
CuriousOrangee · 07/07/2021 15:57

I'd make my own plans with friends for a pub lunch or something and go out for the day every so often.

FlakeorTwirl · 07/07/2021 15:58

I'm a stepmother and I've had the same disappointed comments from my DH occasionally when I've wanted to go out and DSD is round. I usually want to go out because I'm bored just sitting around the house for yet another weekend. So I'll take myself off to the garden centre or something. I also regularly book a beauty treatment on a weekend just to make sure I've done something for myself. I think DH needs to realise you're not just a piece of furniture and he can't cramp your style just because DSC is round. If he planned some interesting family outings with you and DSC in mind then I'm sure you would be happy to participate but if he's not interested in doing anything I don't see why you should suffer. He should also do stuff with DSC on his own for bonding. Don't feel guilty. He's being lazy and unthoughtful imo.

MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 16:00

If you think its a confidence thing could you all go out somewhere to eat then you can do your own things after?

NewlyGranny · 07/07/2021 16:01

Have an old friend come to town and call you up to organise a day out. Then just go with the minimum of notice. His kids are over? That's fine - it's him they come to spend time with after all, not you. And they 're so engrossed with their devices, they probably won't even notice you're not there, will they? As for what to feed them and so forth - not your problem; you're not the parent here.

When you get back and after they're gone, tell him if he organises a fun trip out for his kids doing something they love or want to try out next time, wild horses wouldn't stop you coming along. But leave the planning to him.

KatherineJaneway · 07/07/2021 16:01

He agrees then cites his work schedule / their schooling as being barriers.

He agrees to shut you up then makes excuses when the time comes. he's a lazy arse and cheap by the sounds of it too.

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 16:02

If he planned some interesting family outings with you and DSC in mind then I'm sure you would be happy to participate but if he's not interested in doing anything I don't see why you should suffer.

One hundred percent this!

I actually suggested museums the other week as an attempt to get them all out of the house which the kids would have loved no doubt, he concluded that it was too much faffing around to do that on the only day it would have been feasible.

I'm happy to tag along on days out if they want me there but being stuck indoors twiddling my thumbs whilst they game or use their phones is tedious. I don't blame the kids though.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/07/2021 16:02

He's a shit parent and he'd be an ex. I can't respect a lazy, shit parent much less shag him.

LuaDipa · 07/07/2021 16:03

@MouldyPotato

If you think its a confidence thing could you all go out somewhere to eat then you can do your own things after?
I don’t understand why op is expected to build her oh’s confidence. They aren’t even her dc. It’s not her job to teach him how to parent.
chesirecat99 · 07/07/2021 16:04

Yep, lazy parenting.

How old are they though? Teens may well rather be sat in front of a screen rather than doing things with their DF. Even if they enjoy doing things like cooking with you, they might not feel the same way about doing it with their DF ie cooking with anyone other than their parents = fun, cooking with their dad = helping with the chores.

That isn't an excuse for him doing absolutely nothing though.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/07/2021 16:04

Seriously, this would give me not just the ick but the boak.

Palavah · 07/07/2021 16:05

Just arrange the stuff that you want to do, when you want to do it.