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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

175 replies

Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 15:18

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

OP posts:
MouldyPotato · 07/07/2021 16:06

LuaDipa I know she shouldn't have to but I'm trying to think of anything that might help as this doesn't sound sustainable.

Cocomarine · 07/07/2021 16:07

Lack of confidence?
Who posts this bullshit? 🙄
Why excuse laziness when it’s clearly laziness?

Much as you love the kids, I would get irritated enough at him to probably destroy my own relationship with him. It’s not just “my boyfriend is a bit lazy” it’s “my boyfriend is a shit parent”. Which I’d find really unattractive.

Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 16:08

They are 8 and 9, not all that interested in toys anymore but generally enjoy being active and 'doing stuff' especially the eldest.

They do spend all of their time here on devices but that's only because they'd be bored otherwise after a while.

They've always had a great time when we've gone to different parks, days out etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maybeitsme5 · 07/07/2021 16:09

Very relieved to see that it's pretty much unanimous. Thank you.

I almost let his response convince me that I was being unreasonable and edging close to wicked step mother territory.

OP posts:
IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 16:09

He is deflecting.
He is refusing to talk or do anything about his poor parenting, finding many reasons for it. And when that doesn’t work, it’s you asking for something unreasonable because you dint care about them.

All the while you are the one who actually parents said children and spend time with them actually doing things.

He should be ashamed of himself tbh.

rantymcrantface66 · 07/07/2021 16:11

Do you plan to have kids together in future OP? If so be thankful for the heads up! Fwiw my DC's dad is the same and the only time they actually go anywhere and do anything at his is when his girlfriend has arranged it, eg a day out involving her family or she takes them out if he's working for the day. She does all the parenting. I always get annoyed that they could be doing so much with me but are instead glued to screens being ignored by their dad.

IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 16:12

Btw I don’t buy the ‘I’m not confident enough’ line.
These children are not little anymore. They talk, have opinions and can tell him when things are going wrong. Unlike babies really.

He also has had 9 years to learn to be a father.

At this point, the only way he will learn is to accept to put himself in an uncomfortable position and just do it. Go out with the dcs. Think about an outing and just cope with it. Like any other parent.

Wambamincorrectlyinstalledfan · 07/07/2021 16:12

Just remember not to have children with this man

HappyWipings · 07/07/2021 16:12

Exh (CM avoider and general misogynist) can even manage a day out with his kids without his gf being there as a helper.

FlowerArranger · 07/07/2021 16:12

He isn't just a lazy parent - he is neglectful.

I hope you're not planning to have kids with him?

In fact, I'd get rid of him either way. He seems emotionally unavailable and entirely focused on his own - very basic and unexciting - needs.

IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 16:14

Following @rantymcrantface66 post, what I’m getting from you @Maybeitsme5 is that those children are lucky to have you in your life.
Because you actually care about them and make an effort for them. And they know it too. Hence the youngest idolises you….

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/07/2021 16:17

I actually suggested museums the other week as an attempt to get them all out of the house which the kids would have loved no doubt, he concluded that it was too much faffing around to do that on the only day it would have been feasible.

So you came up with the plan, you were actually going to go too, and yet it was still too much bother for him? That really is lazy and so unfair to his kids.

bookworm20 · 07/07/2021 16:18

So bike ride and meal out turns into bike ride and picnic. Budget problem solved.

He is just lazy. Don't let him turn it round on you.
You sound like a really lovely step mother!

Not sure how you can best handle it though tbh. Perhaps can you arrange something simple and local you can all do, so if its a confidence thing you're there too. And then next time arrange something similar and then have a last minute thing you can't possibly get out of and off they go without you?

DeloresPickleRick · 07/07/2021 16:21

I've just seen the ages OP, this is absolutely ridiculous they spend all weekend on screens.

I know they're not your kids, and they're not here to see you. But I would arrange for their next weekend that you take them out on a day trip by yourself. Show him up for the useless parent that he is.

Although the problem is with that, I get the impression that's that he wants to do, because he is a useless parent parent.

thenewduchessofhastings · 07/07/2021 16:21

He à lazy fuck.I'm betting he probably didn't bother doing anything with them when he lived with them and their mum unless she organised it either.

Eddielzzard · 07/07/2021 16:21

A shit and lazy dad. Time he took some responsibility. Bike rides are free. No excuse.

tempester28 · 07/07/2021 16:21

You are not wicked at all. He needs to spend quality time with them as you say and of course, occasional days out with you included too. But he shouldn't expect you to always be involved, for his kid's sake and for yours. He is being lazy as others have said.

bluecarry · 07/07/2021 16:23

Yeah totally lazy on his part. I'm not a step mother. However I have a DD and we live with my DP, who she is very close too and who isn't her DF. As much as I love spending time with DP and DD, I also enjoy the time to do things with just DD and feel this important for our relationship. I also think it's important DP has some time to do things for himself, and can't imagine the idea of not being able to take DD anywhere without DP, even if he was her actual DF that would be mad and incredibly restrictive!

Zilla1 · 07/07/2021 16:24

Bike rides are free. Picnics he can make up and take using food they'd have for their evening meal doesn't have an additional cost. Or he can ask them what they'd like in a picnic for the next time they're over so it can be bought by him. They need to spend some time together not on devices and not always with you.

Good luck.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/07/2021 16:26

He sounds awful, poor kids 😕 does the fact that he's a shit father not turn you off him a bit? I honestly could not be with someone like that.

Gerwurtztraminer · 07/07/2021 16:28

I'd be interested to know how long this has been going on for i.e. how old the kids were when you both got together. Because if he's been like this since the start and it's been years, it's now an ingrained habit to be so lazy with them. It may well be one reason he's an EX too. Maybe he was always a lazy father.

If you do want to give him a chance, you could try initiating a family conversation all together with the kids asking them for ideas for things to do on the weekends they visit. Whatever they say, sound all enthusiastic and upbeat and then pick one idea you like and is feasible/inexpensive, turn to him and say "so Dad, lets do that THIS COMING WEEKEND". Basically get his committent to do it in front of the kids. Unless he really is a total arse he's then faced with letting them down on the day if he tries to back out.

Frankly if he doesn't show a willingness to change I'd be giving him an ultimatum to shape up or ship out as I couldn't respect a man like this.

TheGoogleMum · 07/07/2021 16:30

Obviously we're only hearing one side of the story, but it does sound like he can't be bothered to look after his kids on his own. Why does he make out you are rejecting them when it sounds like you actually very rarely leave them to it and have a good relationship with them?

Gerwurtztraminer · 07/07/2021 16:31

Just to add, you could come up with ideas where they go off on their own for activities and you join them later, say for a picnic or a coffee/drink.

HollowTalk · 07/07/2021 16:33

Well it's easy to see why his ex isn't with him, isn't it?

Can I ask why you're still with him? He sounds really lazy. His poor kids, just sitting around on screens the whole time they're with him, unless you do something with them.

Do you want to have your own children?

TiredButDancing · 07/07/2021 16:42

I asked him to clarify when I have ever suggested that he should and he said "well that's the impression I'm getting from you" \

Ooh, nothing like a little passive aggressive guilt tripping!

DH is absolutely TERRIBLE at taking the kids out. If it's going to happen, I have to organise it, plan it, suggest it etc. Drives me mad. BUT... right now he's downstairs playing hide and seek with DD, he spends hours playing music and hanging out with DS, him and DD have at least 2 craft projects on the go at any given time (I don't do crafts), he even does screen time with them - playing PS with DS (or watching him play) and Roblux with DD.....

Your DP sounds like he's just generally a crap parent.