Am I the "wicked step mother" or is he a lazy parent?

[Maybeitsme5]

Donning hard hat and prepared to be told I'm unreasonable so no need to mince your words if you think I'm awful.

Long term relationship but not married so unsure whether you think the term 'DSC' applies but I'll use it for simplicity.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come. All contact consists of is them coming here after school, eating and sitting on the devices of their choosing.. phone / xbox. Same applies on overnights.

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

My reasoning is multifaceted. They must get terribly bored, they must crave 1-1 time with him, they're hardly spending quality time with him but yes I would like to be able to do my own thing too sometimes.

So what do you think MN?

We've been together 4 years, lived together for 3.

In the beginning I was very much of the impression that he was a devoted father, lived for his kids and all of that speal. He used to take them on trips to the zoo, soft play etc.

He put on a good show when we moved in together, fab dad, then over time got progressively lazier with regards to taking them out and doing much.. unless I was present.

It's the worst it's ever been since covid.

He does the 'have to' things like cooking for them, reading their school books with them but not much else. The bare minimum you could say.

They're here now and the eldest who is usually full of beans when they arrive hasn't so much as said hello and gone straight to the iPad so I'm wondering if he's said something to them to make them feel unwelcome

He is a lazy toad. You could suggest getting pass for local pool and he could take them swimming every Saturday or Sunday morning on the weekend he has them.

I should add, it is completely fine for you to say "i have that piece of sensitive and difficult admin to do on Saturday, so you will need to take the kids out for xx hours so i can get it done. Would you like to do 9-11 or 11-1?" or similar.

He’s neglectful and thy would give me the ick.

He’s very unreasonable to turn this on you when it sounds like you do far more with them than he does.

OP, do you know their mother well, do you get on? I'm wondering whether this is something she needs to know about.

YANBU - he is a shite dad.

Will you be having children with this thing?

The PP that said ‘minimum effort parenting’ has it right unfortunately. What a shame for the DSC.

Normally I open step mother threads and roll my eyes.

But you sound a lovely step mother and can't believe you're staying in on his say so!

Why would you want to hang about the house bored, when you could be out with your mates.

He is def a lazy dad and sounds like he's getting worse. Poor kids.

Although to be honest it's not going to be long before they stop wanting to come. He's the one losing out in the end. You don't say how old you are, but please don't have kids with this waste of space!!

Poor kids.

What about if you go completely the other way. Take the kids out without him on lovely activities and then be all jolly and talking about the day once home. Let the prat feel left out.

I'm not saying you should do this, but have you ever arranged to do something with just you and the kids and he's then wanted to tag along? If this is the case it sounds as if he just can't be bothered with the organising of things and it's much easier to just let them veg in front of their screens.

You mentioned you were hoping he would take the kids out to give you a few hours to do some difficult admin. I would just tell him I need x amount of hours on x day so if the kids are here I need you take them out and do something with them. Even parents need time alone away from their own kids, which he getting btw when they are with their mum.

There’s lots he could do for free or little money like taking them to the park so he’s just making excuses.
It sounds like he’s trying to manipulate you into not going out when they are here by trying to claim you don’t want to spend time with them. He just doesn’t want to have to parent them alone even though they are his kids!
I’d struggle to find him attractive tbh with his lazy attitude.

His a lazy parent. I told my partner if he was waiting for his boys to be old enough to go and have a pint with him when they were older it would be too late and he would have lost them by then. Kids are not silly and they will know his not interested.

What if you were to say, "Hey, kids, let's go to a museum"?

He'd either have to come with, or stay on the sofa, or try to dissuade you from going. in front of the kids.

I know that the idea is you get some time to yourself, but once you'd established that doing stuff was possible, the dynamic would change. The kids would know that things can be done, and he'd have to do something about that. Or be seen not to want to. He certainly couldn't suggest that you didn't want to engage with his kids.

It's possible, I suppose that, the kids would develop the expectation that you'd do something with them, and leave him on the sofa. Which wouldn't get you your time alone, but would prevent you being bored and at home.

In other words, I'm suggesting you disrupt the established patterns and see what happens. When one does that, truths tend to surface because the old excuses don't work any more.

Wow, nice bit of emotional blackmail.

You suggest a nice activity that requires effort on his part, he turns it around on you to say you are an evil stepmother. I would stop it right there.

You wanting your own life and to do your own activities is no reflection on how you feel about the kids. For him to suggest that it is - that’s manipulation.

He’s a lazy deadbeat. I feel sorry for the kids - and for you, op. He needs a wake up call.

Would it work if you suggested an outing actually in front of them? Eg "Why dont you all go to the park as I need to concentrate on this work and I'll meet you at the bandstand at 4"

He's a shit parent, & sees you as his childrens' nanny.

You are far from a wicked stepmother.
You are the 'new partner' we all read about here when the OP is the ex-wife. You know - the one her ex-H cannot do without, because it would not occur to him to parent his own children, let alone develop a fulfilling relationship with them.

DP never takes DSC out without me, ever, nor is he keen for me to go out and do my own thing when they come.

Why, in the name of holy fuck, are you asking his permission to go out solo?

I've suggested he switches it up a bit and actually spends some quality time with them, days out, fun activities etc. Father and son/daughter time. He takes this as a rejection on my part.

Aaaaaw.
Your manbaby isn't keen for you to leave the house under your own steam, feels all rejected if you dare to gently challenge the status quo, & is happy to withhold fun, hobbies, & days out from his kids.
In fact, anything other than "sit quietly staring at your screens & don't bother me until it's time for you to go back to your mother's" seems to give him conniptions.
Does he even cook for them - or is that down to you?
Ever engage with e.g. parents evening, school events - or is that all down to their mum?

Is he usually this bone idle, selfish & ignorant, or do these traits only emerge when his kids show up (go on, surprise me)?

As talking to him doesn't appear to have worked, you are gonna have to show him.
On a contact evening, just go out.
He will react with horror, bafflement, & manipulations.
Do not engage. All you need is a breezy "popping round to Sue's, be back around 9:30" or whatever.
On a contact weekend, ask the kids if they'd like to go out for a burger, or swimming, (whatever) - & when he starts fussing, tell him he's welcome to join you, but you are bored rigid, so are the kids, & everybody needs to have funtime away from their screens.

Do it OP.
If nothing else it'll be a valuable experiment for you.

Yeah, I wouldn't start suggesting activities or making plans for the DSC and myself with the hopes he'd want to tag along. That's a very slippery slope and you'll swiftly find yourself responsible for all activities.

I'd suggest you take a look at level of interactions each of you have with DSC. Who talks to them more, asks after their day/school/hobbies? Who asks if they're hungry/thirsty or if they want to watch a movie, etc. He actually may have silently 'delegated' a lot of interaction to you.

IMHO, you need to be scheduling yourself time away from the flat when they're there. Let him be the only 'responsible adult' for awhile during their visits.

Sounds like he finds it easier for you to always be involved in his time with them - so yes, lazy parent!!

Also, you are certainly not a wicked stepmother, you've done nothing wrong at all. His kids are over to see him, not you. I don't even see why he doesn't want you to do your own thing if they're just sitting on the Xbox anyway.

Oh Op I feel so sorry for those kids.

Totally lazy parenting, sticking his head in the sand to avoid doing anything with them, training you up to make it your responsibility.
Ignore all the comments he makes it’s simply untrue. Every step parent is allowed to have time by themselves, every child has a right to spend time with their dad without the step parent there. I’d be having a stern word about him getting his act together for the children’s sake, and I’d be emotionally casting off everything he said to make you feel guilty and pulling it up immediately by calling it out to him for what it is.

Today comes and I'm under the impression that was the plan then he tells me with an hour to spare that he hasn't budgeted for it and they're just going to relax indoors again.
Yeah, those notoriously expensive bike rides, SO hard to budget for. As is a backpack of sandwiches.
It WAS the plan OP - only he never intended to go through with it.

This is where I run the risk of looking like the bad one, I was looking forward to an empty flat as I have some time sensitive and difficult admin I need to be doing.
I want to give you a friendly & kindly shake OP.
Where does this notion spring from - that it is "bad" for a human to need some alone time?
Everyone needs time & space to reset themselves, deal with tasks, catch up with quiet hobbies etc.
There is no 'risk' to run here. You are allowed to state your needs, & have them met, within your relationship. Who is making you feel "bad" for having or expressing a simple human need for space?

Then it got me to thinking, he hasn't actually done anything with them minus me for a long time now and i think its quite lazy parenting be honest.
Lazy?
He's out & out neglectful.
And puts the dampeners on any suggestion that any of you should ever do anything other than By His Decree. He is a dictator - just a very, very boring one.

How can you stand the manipulation, bullshit & lack of desire to promote his children's interests & wellbeing?

He doesn't stop me leaving the house when they are here per se, but acts dissapointed that I want to (in his words) "get away from them"

Lovely.
Manipulation AND projection.

Why don't you take them out do stuff with them without him? I know they're not your kids but if you're committed to the relationship the kind of are. And it might give him a kick up the arse. OK so you were hoping to have the time/space to do your own stuff so maybe not this time but it might stop him making you out to be the baddie. And you might all have more fun without him.

Are you kidding, @twinmum2007? So he gets to have a lovely rest while she looks after his children? She wants some time on her own - they are not her children!

I think he's told them not to approach you tonight. I'd have a talk with them and clarify things.