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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

168 replies

PettyGamePlaying · 07/07/2021 10:16

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

OP posts:
misskatamari · 07/07/2021 10:25

Ugh she sounds annoying and petty. I would ignore and not rise to it. Gift giving should be about doing something nice for the person who’s gift it is. The fact that she obviously doesn’t view gifts that way is further reason I wouldn’t be getting her one, if she can spitefully decide to “punish” your dc because the gift you got for her (a grown adult!) didn’t meet her exacting standards. Ugh.

As for Christmas, I’d have a lovely quiet one, just you, dh and your kids. Relax, have yummy food and chill out. Leave the rest of them to it

Blossomtoes · 07/07/2021 10:28

Thing about games is that most of them need more than one player. There’s no game any more if you refuse to engage. Well done, that woman! Stick to your guns.

Neuts346 · 07/07/2021 10:31

Well done, you’ve started the process of disengaging with their silly games. Just close your ears to any morning snd try to stay resolute!

Neuts346 · 07/07/2021 10:31

Moaning not morning!

EscapeTheCastle · 07/07/2021 10:33

It sounds like the inconvenient traipsing around for her gift can most certainly come to an end now. She has missed your kids xmas and birthdays so you can stop the exchange now. It doesn't even need to be spoken about anymore.

Xmas hosting though, I'm not sure what to advise.
Do you usually alternate?

SpindleWhorl · 07/07/2021 10:33

I agree with you, @PettyGamePlaying.

I guess your DH understands how ridiculous it is, given he feels sad?

And tbh, I'm not planning on doing anything for Xmas this year given that we may be back to some sort of restrictions by this winter. We can do without the stress and pressure in my gaff. Well, that's what I'm telling everyone ...

Drinkingallthewine · 07/07/2021 10:35

Let DH buy for his side of the family, and you buy for yours. Why are YOU running around last minute buying for an ungrateful sister that's not even yours? Fuck that. Let them fall out with you or blank you, bonus points if you time it so that they have no choice but to blank you for Christmas.. Wink

DeloresPickleRick · 07/07/2021 10:38

Ignore it all and let your DH deal with his family's bullshit.

OverByYer · 07/07/2021 10:42

They sound awful OP. Now she isn’t buying for your children you are free not to bother buying for her anymore. I assume she has no kids of her own?
As for hosting, just say you enjoyed the quiet Xmas you had during Covid and plan on keeping it small in future. And if DH wants to host then tell him he can do but he will be doing so by himself

Hoppinggreen · 07/07/2021 10:44

Just stop doing it, and stop caring so much about what they do.
Buy stuff for the kids or send them £20 in a card and if there’s any flak let your DH deal with it.
You are only “muggins” from choice

LemonLemonLemon · 07/07/2021 10:44

Sounds like she’s saved you a problem - no more shopping for her!

JustLyra · 07/07/2021 10:45

Presents can certainly stop now. She’s shown she’s not interested so neither are you.

As for Christmas what does your DH want to do?
Personally I’d host PIL while she’s with her DP’s family and then next year have your Christmas alone. That way you can very politely never host her again and, like the presents, any complaining can be pushed back as being her choice.

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 07/07/2021 10:47

Stop the hosting, buy her and her DH cards from now on.

MissMissTorrance · 07/07/2021 10:49

If she starts engaging and mentions a gift near Christmas I'd smile, nod and completely ignore.
If she sends your dc £20 each I'd put the total amount they get from her in an envelope with a bow attached and send it back as her Xmas gift from you all.
She can't really complain about that or make noise about no effort can she?
If this year she doesn't give anything at all then neither do you.
As for Christmas lunch I'd be having it just dh and dc. No way would I host them.
If you can't be blunt then I'd possibly be going out for Christmas lunch this year (which I decide against last minute when they all have plans). Or even consider inviting my own family for their 'turn'.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 07/07/2021 10:49

Block their numbers.. Leave them entirely to dh to deal with. If he wants to host Xmas he needs to learn how to present a turkey and all the trimmings then...
Not let a single penny leave your account to sil /mil. Leave that also to dh. Emotional blackmail? You are an adult op. Tell them to fuck off if necessary...

Jumpingintosummer · 07/07/2021 10:49

I think you are doing the right thing. State you are having a family Christmas and look forward to celebrating with your in laws next year on your turn.

WeatherSystems · 07/07/2021 10:52

YABU for all of this 'I had to do this and that' and calling yourself muggins nonsense. You're a grown adult who made the decisions you did. Nobody held a gun to your head and made you go buy these things or host Christmas. I'm afraid to say I think you sound a bit like you're enjoying being the martyr, sorry.

However, the problem is now solved. No more gifts either way. Hooray!

VettiyaIruken · 07/07/2021 10:53

I wouldn't host them again and I'd tell my husband to pack it in with the waah waahs and buy them gifts himself if he's that bothered because I'm done.

Heartofglass12345 · 07/07/2021 10:53

Why do you have to do it though? Why isn't your husband traipsing to the arse end of nowhere or rushing to buy her something? If he doesn't care then you shouldn't either. I don't understand why women take it upon themselves to sort out presents for their partners family. I have no input into my husbands gifts for his family, like he doesn't with mine, apart from maybe asking each other for ideas/ opinions.
As for Christmas, again, why does it all seem to be down to you? What are they like when they come over? Are they easy going or entitled? That would make it or break it for me.

MrsToothyBitch · 07/07/2021 10:53

What a spoilt brat she is!

I think you need to plan for Christmas pretty early this year. I'd text her in early Autumn and remind her Christmas will be upon us before we know. Then thank her for the money sent to the children in previous years but you just want to let her know you wholeheartedly support her decision to end your reciprocal xmas gift giving with you, effective immediately. If she throws a wobbler, ignore. If Mil insists, ignore. Such a shame if the fall out means MiL obviously won't want to come for Christmas.

Covid is also your friend here; they reckon curbs might have to be reintroduced in autumn-winter cough/cold season. Suggest that in light of this, rather than have Christmas ruined last minute, everyone just plans for themselves. They've got ages to get used to it.

Zari29 · 07/07/2021 10:54

Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me.

You have played the role of muggins for 30 years so there is no point at being angry at her when you entertained this. She is a CF and has these expectations because you set them and just continued along. Just stop all of this now. You know what she is like, you've had 30 years of examples so what more do you need?

SpindleWhorl · 07/07/2021 10:54

I get the impression from the OP that she always gets landed with having everyone for Christmas:

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas

Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me

... and that she needs a break.

MrsToothyBitch · 07/07/2021 10:57

Also if DH insists on getting his sister a personal present, he funds it himself- so if wants to dig deep it's on him; family finances now only stretch to token gifts from the pound shop.

HouseOfGoldandBones · 07/07/2021 11:03

She's done you a huge favour OP.
I'd be sending her a message saying:

Hi SIL, I think your idea of stopping Christmas & birthday presents is great now the DCs are getting older.
Unfortunately we won't be able to host PIL for Christmas this year as we've decided to do our own thing.
See you soon.

KarmaStar · 07/07/2021 11:07

My mum said to me that people will treat you how you allow them to,or lead them to.
If you keep giving,keep hosting,people come to see it as the normal.
Time to stop,as you've said,and good on you.💐

Don't host.
Don't buy for sil.
Don't offer apology or reason.

Do have a lovely time
Do use the money to treat yourself.