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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

168 replies

PettyGamePlaying · 07/07/2021 10:16

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 07/07/2021 14:44

I am not sure why you have put up, and gone along with all this charade for all these years. I personally don't know any people like the ones you quote, those who are demanding,and are shallow enough to always be thinking about money and gifts and all the rest, and getting in huffs about all issues. It's all mind numbing and tedious behaviour.. So,best to set yourself free from it all.

Kentuki · 07/07/2021 14:46

Are your kids still children?

frigglerock · 07/07/2021 14:48

Well, the new tradition is set, then. No more gifts. If your husband is sad, he can be the one to deal with all gift-buying for his side of the family. You know she's being petty, but at least you can make the most of it by never feeling obligated to buy her another gift for as long as you live.

Unless your PIL are very elderly or unwell, I'd think they could host Christmas this year, or at least have it at their home and not expect you to do all the work and cooking. Failing that, I'd make it known that I needed a break from hosting and would plan on just paying them a visit sometime around Christmas, instead.

Paddling654 · 07/07/2021 14:58

But you were the one who brought the extravagant gifting to a sudden end?

If she was supposed to understand that she wasn't allowed to respond in kind, that should have been made clear. I'm not sure she's the one playing games.

My guess is most of us would be delighted to stop haemorrhaging under-appreciated £20 notes to other people's children. It's bizarre to suggest that you want that to continue even as you don't give her a significant gift, apparently because she never went to the toy shop in person so doesn't deserve anything now.

VolcanicEruption · 07/07/2021 14:59

I find it sad that supposed adults behave like children over such things and make such an issue.
How many gifts for whatever reason are back of cupboards/ charities/regifted etc. A lot will create waste.
I remember going to an Aunts/Uncles 60th anniversary and within a few years both were dead. Don’t know what happened to their belongings but my cousin had all the hassle.
This year I will be 65 DH 70 and our 45th.I just want to be alive and see family again. We can buy any trinkets ourselves.

Peachee · 07/07/2021 15:03

@30degreesandmeltinghere

Block their numbers.. Leave them entirely to dh to deal with. If he wants to host Xmas he needs to learn how to present a turkey and all the trimmings then... Not let a single penny leave your account to sil /mil. Leave that also to dh. Emotional blackmail? You are an adult op. Tell them to fuck off if necessary...
Absolutely agree with this.. you need some harsh boundaries here as they sound like they have serious brass neck to play silly games as grown adults in the first place!! Ignorance is bliss and if you aren’t dealing with them at all then you will finally have some peace. They sound toxic x
IllForTooLong · 07/07/2021 15:41

What does your DH think? They are his parents afterall.

However, if you dint want to host because you’ve done it so many times, you can also say that TO HIM.
I’m not hosting/ cooking dinner for Christmas. If you want them to be here , then you are in charge of christams dinner.

Then see what he does.

JennyTractorRiderGo · 07/07/2021 15:58

Then thank her for the money sent to the children in previous years but you just want to let her know you wholeheartedly support her decision to end your reciprocal xmas gift giving with you, effective immediately.

Do this but get your Dh to send it, after all it is his sister so his monkeys, his circus. Why are you bothered about upsetting either your MIL or SIL? They are more than happy to upset you and play their stupid games, let them crack on with it.

Do not host Christmas, there is no obligation so stop doing it, it certainly doesn't sound happy or fun. Also why have your PIL never hosted in 30 years why does it always fall to you?

Stop trying to make them accept you or see your worth. You do not need their validation so fuck them right off, low contact, just be your family on Christmas day. That is what we did as children, just us, we saw extended family on different days, Christmas day was just my parents and siblings. It was bliss.

Mary46 · 07/07/2021 16:08

Just say you cutting out the xmas buying now.. dont be enabling it. Your husb should be sorting his own family side. We cut out alot reduced wages since covid etc

Original poster
PettyGamePlaying · 07/07/2021 16:14

Just to clarify a few things.

I have been with my DH from a young age for 30 years. We have not been married for 30 years. Our DC happened later and they are 8 and 12.

DH is not upset with me, he is upset at how petty his DSis is. She had years of amazing presents off us before DC and ever since and to stop buying your nieces presents now is petty. He also accepts that we always end up hosting and no one else offers. He is rather bulldozed by the women in his family. He can't deal with crying and emotional blackmail and this is not something I am used to either.

As for being a mug with my in-laws, I do feel like one. Unless we are on holiday, we end up hosting. PIL are more than capable but never offer. SIL is either on holiday at Christmas, with her partner's family or she goes to PIL for them to make her Christmas dinner if we are away. I never offer to host Christmas, what happens is around the last week in Nov, we get a call to ask what we are doing for Christmas. DH usually says we are having just a quiet one. Then he gets asked well why can't we come over and he agrees. Then we get asked why we have not invited SIL, she's family and then DH agrees and MIL gets on the phone to SIL and invites her to our house for a big family bash. SIL has never once offered to host Christmas. If we were to say we just wanted it on our own, they would say something like they were very hurt and upset because they are family and they don't know what they have done to deserve being treated like that. It doesn't even register to them that perhaps we are sick of always sucking up the cost and the hassle of hosting Christmas.

I don't actually care about the presents for my DC and hope that is over. That is one less hassle for me to do. WRT Christmas though I do think it should be taken in turns because it is not fair if one sibling has to do all the family work at Christmas and the other does nothing. Sorry if that sounds mean to my in-laws but it has built a lot of resentment.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 07/07/2021 16:31

As usual on these threads, you’ve got a DH problem, and the fact that you haven’t even acknowledged that everyone is right and it’s him not you that should be running around buying presents and sorting out hosting his family, tells me you’re a bit of a martyr and must be gaining something from it otherwise you would have stopped doing it years ago.

bigbaggyeyes · 07/07/2021 16:39

They've given you a great gift... use it! They've stopped buying for your dc, so you can stop buying for them. If she gives you a list of things she wants. Simply respond with 'oh I didn't think we were doing gifts as you didn't buy for our dc. It suits us better this way anyway, as we're a bit skint at the moment, so don't buy for us again and we won't for you' smile and leave it at that.

You will need to get your dh on board tho

mrsm43s · 07/07/2021 18:04

I really don't see what the SIL has done wrong?

You decided to stop with the expensive gifts, and she has followed your lead. Surely you're not entitled enough to think that she should buy expensive presents for your family, whilst you buy her nothing?

She has also made her own plans for Christmas, which are nothing to do with you, leaving you and your DH free to make your own plans. She's not imposing anything on you at all. She's made her plans, you make yours. If you don't want your in-laws round, don't invite them. Simple as that.

Paddling654 · 07/07/2021 18:45

I wouldn't dream of not buying lovely gifts from someone who is so generous to my children.

You have been incredibly rude.

Paddling654 · 07/07/2021 18:46

It's also never occurred to me to judge anyone who gifts money as that can be used however the parent needs and put towards something genuinely helpful. You sound ungrateful and hard work.

Souther · 07/07/2021 18:52

His Christmas just saying you're going away.

And then at the last minute it gets cancelled. But too late to Christmas with anyone cos you havent bought anything in.

Or just not tell them til after your "holiday" got cancelled

HollowTalk · 07/07/2021 18:52

Eh? Are you serious, @Paddling654?

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 18:54

OP,

No man is worth being used by his family.

You are not even married.

Why are you allowing yourself to be made so little of?

🤷🏻‍♀️

Paddling654 · 07/07/2021 19:01

I am, hollow. The OP's unpleasant attitude about someone who puts £20 in a card is really surprising to me. So is her lack of empathy or care for how stopping gifts to someone who doesn't have kids (leaving the gift giving going one way) is going to make someone else feel.

But any reaction to her actions is considered petty. She's able to register that. Maybe the relative is hurt, rather than petty, I don't know. I do know the OP is snide and thankless.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person and I don't think I'd continue to feel like being an ATM in these circumstances either.

CuriousOrangee · 07/07/2021 19:07

@Paddling654

It's also never occurred to me to judge anyone who gifts money as that can be used however the parent needs and put towards something genuinely helpful. You sound ungrateful and hard work.
Have you actually read all of OPs posts?

Are you SIL?

Maunderingdrunkenly · 07/07/2021 19:14

@Paddling654 is the sil Grin

Maunderingdrunkenly · 07/07/2021 19:15

At least @PettyGamePlaying won’t have to communicate anything this xmas

Notaroadrunner · 07/07/2021 19:17

I don't actually care about the presents for my DC and hope that is over. That is one less hassle for me to do. WRT Christmas though I do think it should be taken in turns because it is not fair if one sibling has to do all the family work at Christmas and the other does nothing. Sorry if that sounds mean to my in-laws but it has built a lot of resentment

But it's your Dh's fault for giving into them. He says ye are having a quiet one, his mother invites herself and SIL and he says ok. Tell him to learn to say no very quickly or you will be hosting again this year.

tallduckandhandsome · 07/07/2021 19:25

Let this be the year you put foot your down.

Why not say it's someone else's turn to host?

caringcarer · 07/07/2021 19:28

Why don't you invite your family or go to your family this year? It can't be your turn to.host inlaws every year. Or tell them you enjoyed your quiet Covid Xmas and plan to keep it to just you, DH and children in future.