AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

[PettyGamePlaying]

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

We thought we'd have a rest from hosting this year. Then say nothing else.

And if she mentions presents just say you didn't think either of you were doing presents anymore. Say nothing else.

We used to get this with hosting not presents but now we have a quiet one Xmas day and go to the theatre Boxing Day. It's lovely.

The cheeky horrible twats.

Stop being a mug.

@HouseOfGoldandBones

She's done you a huge favour OP. I'd be sending her a message saying:

Hi SIL, I think your idea of stopping Christmas & birthday presents is great now the DCs are getting older.
Unfortunately we won't be able to host PIL for Christmas this year as we've decided to do our own thing.
See you soon.

Agree with this. Great opportunity to step out of the game.

I have read the OP's posts.

She complains the SIL has never offered to host Christmas. The OP then goes on to say she never offers either.

She blames the SIL for not offering to do something she never willingly does herself. She blames the SIL for turning up an event that she has no way of knowing if the SIL even want to attend. That is between the OP and her MIL.

I don't know anyone who would think badly of a relative for putting a generous amount of money in a card, or pretend not to understand why it would cause hurt to expect this to continue while announcing you won't be giving gifts to that person anymore. I wouldn't be lining up to host this person in my home. What else is she judging? She doesn't sound brimming with empathy or generosity herself.

The OP has a problem with her DH who allows himself to agree to have his family over against her wishes. She has a problem with her MIL who assumes she can invite herself to Christmas. But the person she has cut off gift to (and expects gifts from) is her SIL.

Out in the real world, when someone gifts our child £20 in an envelope faithfully, we don't snarl 'Where's the proper gift then?'. We say thank you, I will put it towards x. Only in the mean-spirited world of this thread is someone a bitch because they 'bung' something in an envelope.

My relatives who give money do so because they understand children go through phases in what they love, and may need specific items of clothing. I can't fathom why you would dislike them for this. They don't 'bung' it in an envelope. They choose a card and place hard earned money there as the OP's SIL has done faithfully for years until this slap in the face.

Sorry OP, you don't have my sympathy at all.

while announcing you won't be giving gifts to that person anymore

That is not what I told my SIL. What I told her was "that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things". Actually, I spent £30 on token gifts. I just didn't buy her anything thoughtful. Moving forward, I won't buy her anything.

Can I ask you Paddington if you buy any small children presents? Do you in return expect Este Lauder sets in return, or a top form Boden, or a voucher for a facial? I don't. I buy my n&n's and I in no way expect a thing back. I am actually grateful for the £40, but I am actually well out of pocket by the time I have bought her a present, bought her DP something token, and then paid for their Christmas lunches.

SIL told me that she would stop presents at 18. I totally understand that, but why am I buying someone 40+ massive presents?

@Paddling654

I am, hollow. The OP's unpleasant attitude about someone who puts £20 in a card is really surprising to me. So is her lack of empathy or care for how stopping gifts to someone who doesn't have kids (leaving the gift giving going one way) is going to make someone else feel.

But any reaction to her actions is considered petty. She's able to register that. Maybe the relative is hurt, rather than petty, I don't know. I do know the OP is snide and thankless.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person and I don't think I'd continue to feel like being an ATM in these circumstances either.

Are you reading a different thread? The kids got nothing at Christmas or for their birthdays so there is no generous gift giving going on

SIL told me that she would stop presents at 18

This is perfect. If she mentions the lack of gifts just tell her that you're following her rules and will no longer be buying gifts for over 18s

I just didn't buy her anything thoughtful.

I have never before come across someone so happy to admit their lack of kindness. I would find it very difficult to spend any amount of money on a relative and avoid buying anything thoughtful.

As for buying her lunch, it's clear she's coming to please her mum and this is not a favour to her. She does seem to do everything possible to avoid a family Christmas and I don't blame her. You all sound like the least loving functional family imaginable.

If she gifts £80 at each Christmas and birthday, as you seem to say she always did, you're unlikely to be out of pocket.

Oh dear, seems like a massive nerve has been zapped here. Perhaps Paddington is my SIL. She certainly sounds like her.

@Paddling654 you are being ridiculous. I agree you sound like the OP's SIL.

You've taken the right action, she shouldn't give to recieve either.

Just detach

Made me tired simply reading about it all.

I personally wouldn’t be buying her any gift.

You don’t give a gift to receive a gift.

@Paddling654 you don’t seem to understand appropriate behaviour with gift giving.

It’s irrespective how much someone else spent.

You sound really entitled and definitely advocating for unhealthy and manipulative relationships. So claiming the OP is “the least loving functional family imaginable” is utterly ridiculous.

If you’re family are as manipulative as OP’s MIL and SIL - then you need to seek healthier boundaries.

Simple. Cancel Xmas as being overrated (unless you are a church person). Have a, mid winter feast instead. No presents needed only glorious food and drink.

And do the same for birthdays....kids only until their are 21. Then nowt.

Both work as that is what we have done and it is spreading through the family tree.
And now for a random statement!
The other thing to get rid of are funerals... Direct cremation and spend the money on remembering the good times with food and drink. If you didn't like the person all the better,. A celebration of their departure!!

I was in your shoes always did full Christmas and Easter for the whole family sometimes cook for 20+ people bloody expensive and then be made to buy certain people overly expensive gifts that they wanted and getting a Poundland box of chocolates in return cheeses me off . Selfish family sod them now only buy for my husband ,children and their partners mums and dad 2 nephews and the rest of them can sod off . No more stress it’s lovely you stick to your guns my sweet and make your own family count sod the extended and her pointless 80quid which I may add isn’t even half the cost of Christmas dinner .

SIL was not the one buying the presents with the £20's. She just pushed that on to OP.

"I never offer to host Christmas, what happens is around the last week in Nov, we get a call to ask what we are doing for Christmas. DH usually says we are having just a quiet one. Then he gets asked well why can't we come over and he agrees."

Next time he gets the call say it's nice of you to think of us and we'll be happy to come to you this year. Maybe S-i-L can take her turn next year. It will be so nice to be able to relax for once as we seem to have been so busy every Christmas for the last few years. Big thanks from both of us.

You can do as we do for Christmas. the host buys the Turkey and everyone coming brings the rest of the food. We all contribute to the dinner. If they don't show up with their assigned food then Turkey it is. Or if you dp decides to fall to the pressure of the family, have him do the dinner.
As for the sil, that is really sad though I don't really get the toned down comment. Whether you pay £10 or £30 for a gift, you can do it with some conscious effort. Perhaps that wording was a bit questionable. However, her attitude now is sad and petty. Some good boundaries are needed. This has to also come from your partner.

@HouseOfGoldandBones

She's done you a huge favour OP. I'd be sending her a message saying:

Hi SIL, I think your idea of stopping Christmas & birthday presents is great now the DCs are getting older.
Unfortunately we won't be able to host PIL for Christmas this year as we've decided to do our own thing.
See you soon.

Yes. This!!!

Too long a tale Gave up reading Life too short Do what u want Who cares if SIL and MIL huff - they sound awful so why care

Definitely time to disengage, emotionally and literally. Tell your DH that they're his family and he needs to deal with them (he should have been doing this from the beginning of the games!).

We all have rellies who learn how to point-score before leaving kindergarten. I've had it and although it was difficult living through it, it was a blessing in disguise as I barely hear about them any more.

All good wishes to you.

SIL told me that she would stop presents at 18. I totally understand that, but why am I buying someone 40+ massive presents

Because you're a mug. I agree with your decision to just stop. Shame you didn't do it years ago or put your DH in charge of gifts for her if he couldn't cope with the fall out.

Aaaah Christmas. Enough to make me wish we lived under a communist regime.

Paddling you sound like an entitled dick. If you are the SIL there are 6 pages of comments telling you the same.