AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

[PettyGamePlaying]

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

If she stops presents at 18 then tell her you are doing likewise except for your children. In fact, I wouldn't say it first, I'd wait until she put in her order & then say ' we decided to follow your example & stop at 18...so you had it good for 22+ extra years..ha ha' & move on. Book yourselves a Christmas away somewhere & let her worry about his side of the family at holiday time.

Tbh, you’ve been feeding this monster for too long and might have guessed that withdrawing your ill-advised annual shopping trips for her gifts would lead to resentment. What type of selfish adult requests specific presents for them self (especially from parents of children)? She sounds a nightmare so stand your ground. She’s wrong to take out her feelings on the children and you’re better off without this crap. She needs to grow up.

@Paddling654

Paddling654 you don’t seem to understand appropriate behaviour with gift giving.

Thoughtfulness, rather the amount spent, is appropriate behaviour around gift giving. It's amazing that someone would actively decide not to be thoughtful and be unaware that this would be a hurtful move. The OP is very controlling to decide that any drop in reciprocal giving is 'petty' as her SIL is free to respond as she wishes to this. If someone behaved to me as the OP had done, I wouldn't feel inclined to continue with this farce but then it hasn't occurred to me not to be grateful for any gift given to my children.

I wonder why the OP spends time with these people if she despises them to the point that giving cash in a card is evidence of something dreadful.

This is the kind of daughter in law I hope never to end up with!

You seem to have missed the point that fir the better part of 30 years... OP has got SIL gifts which fro. The sounds of them are more in the £100 price bracket and are things that SIL will like/has asked for/from a list and SIL has gone to the great effort of obtaining a £20 in an envelope for her kids.... so reciprocity??? On neither effort nor financial terms.... plus OP has been lumped with the expense and hassle of hosting at least 2 people almost every year... please find a dictionary and look up reciprocity and then a book of etiquette... OP has had enough and wants to know it this is reasonable and if the change Imposed by Covid etc....

Why is all this your problem - it’s DH family, can’t he deal with them? Why are you traipsing round attending to her princessing?

Just start giving her the £20 in an envelope if she thinks that an adequate gift.

Do the others have big enough houses to host?

OP, you were treated like a mug by in laws and your DH has no backbone.

I suppose there’s no chance in hell that your SIL would ever reciprocate the lovely gifts she has requested so stop this nonsense with spa’s vouchers.

If MIL and SIL are so good at dishing “punishment” as snubbing then good for them. They can host themselves and enjoy their own game.

Speak to DH early this year and let him know your feelings. You are not hosting after having so many years of this. It’s somebody else’s turn. Rinse and repeat.
If he agrees again I’d either leave him to organise everything or take myself with kids out on Christmas day with or without warning.

For Christmas, why don’t you just pretend you’re going away, and then just not go?

As for SIL, she’s a dick.

The first Christmas with my DH I bought chocolates for my 3 SIL's and my MIL. They announced that their family only by gifts for the children and not the adults as it gets too expensive. I didn't expect anything from them but they set the tone and that was that.
They have always spoilt my DD (my other 2 children are not my DH's) and my other 2 occasionally get something.
2 of my SIL's don't like me (for no reason other than they can) and my other SIL is a bit like Switzerland and tries to be neutral.
It is grating and after 11 years I have finally come to accept that in law's will only behave towards their children in law in the way their children allow. I sat watching my MIL as she lay dying, on night duty in shifts with my DH and BIL. Still no respect from the family. To the point where they invited my DH's ex to the funeral and wake.

My advice...go on holiday at Christmas, stop buying presents and leave your DH at home if he wants to play host. He clearly isn't going to stand up for you, so either you take action or you will be treated like this forever.
YANBU, but we can't control other people, we can only change the way we respond to them.

Now your DCs are old enough not to care I would dump the ILs as far as Xmas and pressies.

I’d simply pass the issue to your DH.
I don’t understand why he’s not the one trudging round the shops to indulge his sister.
Any communication, refer direct to him. Disengage, plan your own small Christmas at home with your family.

Both me and sil had 2 xdc. Small gifts for the dc at Xmas and birthdays. All good. Then I announced dc 3 was on the way. She flounced into our house and declared buying for 3 would be ridiculous and she wasn't doing it... In front of my dc.. Fine I said smiling. She flounced back out and honestly never crossed my door again!
She was even more miffed when she also announced she was pregnant a few weeks later and mil said we had to share a gift amount now there were 2 x dgc on the way!! She was a grabby madam and I never expected off ils like she did!
We never socialised together.. Never.

@30degreesandmeltinghere this sounds just like my SIL. But with her EVERYTHING is a bloody competition. She has to do one better. Even as far as NOT passing on important information about nursery that she vulunteerly offered to pass on so that her child wouldn't miss anything and my child would. Absolute sod!!

YANBU at all, she’s incredibly grabby and entitled. You have done the right thing.

My bff lived opposite her bff and she (her bff) used to spy on us and relate to sil what shops etc we had been to(sil used to tell my dh I was out spending his money). So I started carrying huge bags of washing round to bff's in clearly identifying posh shop bags so they thought I was out shopping waaay more than I was!!

Petty but she deserved the wind up!!

I hope it goes ok, OP. Other than Paddlington you've had good suggestions and support. I stand by my advice, although would add let covid take the blame this year and then message after Christmas saying you think the new system worked well and you're not going back to hosting.

I think you should just tell them (nicely) that you’d like to take it in turns because it’s a lot of work to do.

Tell DH if he caves about Christmas then HE is doing the lot. Getting the house ready, shopping, cooking, serving, cleaning up after. He could've saved you doing all this for years by being assertive and prioritising his wife. THAT is the issue. He has chosen not to do that. The gift issue is simple, nobody can force you to buy them a present. Just send a quick message saying no gifts for adults please. Or don't, just don't buy them gifts.

A shame it has lasted this long but understand how things can snowball. Unfortunately your husband has enabled the behaviour over the years by not being firm. First few times it happened, fair enough , but after 30 years both you and him should have come up with a plan by now in regards to both Christmas and presents.
Having realised what liberties my MIL is willing to take with inviting herself to almost every weekend, DH now knows to say "I'll check with Marriedatfirstyear" when he feels cornered, which gives time to come up with an appropriate response.
Learnt the hard way after she invited herself when we went to visit my brother & his wife in a different city.
Stand your ground and your DH should too. He's the enabler.

I think all this Gifting at Xmas and birthday is a modern day marketing ploy..even for children the one good thing about lock down is that it has broken the usual routine ie Xmas cancelled last year.
I realise that the best thing you can give someone is time and attention and love and if they dont want it or appreciate it its their loss not yours In this case they are all adults so they should grow up . If you dont want to host the family at Xmas dont