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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

168 replies

PettyGamePlaying · 07/07/2021 10:16

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

OP posts:
Mulhollandmagoo · 07/07/2021 12:51

I'm shocked by her brass neck to be honest! How can she have the cheek to ask for expensive thoughtful gifts and then just shove £20 in a card for your children's and I assume nothing for you and your husband? Is she not embarrassed?

Yeah, completely ignore and no gifts, and if anyone asks, just plead the fifth and suggest you thought nobody was doing gifts anymore as your children didn't get anything for Christmas or birthdays

Daisydoesnt · 07/07/2021 12:54

OP how old your children? I’m asking because if you’ve been married for 30 years they could easily be late teens / young adults? I think it’s perfectly reasonable to stop buying adult nieces, nephews, godchildren presents. Your children probably don’t give a damn if they get a gift from Aunty X

And honestly, if your husband doesn’t care whether his family/ sister get the perfect/thoughtful/expensive/hard to find gift, why should you? It doesn’t reflect on you and it sounds like it makes you miserable. This is your permission to stop!

CatrinVennastin · 07/07/2021 12:56

She sounds like a twat OP.

Covid has changed things up for lots of us. We had our first Xmas just the four of us last year and it was bliss!

Not going back to either hosting or trekking 350 miles to our home town and back in the pissing rain.

category12 · 07/07/2021 13:01

It's your dh's side of the family so he should have been the one traipsing round spas. He's a bit of a pisstaker as well.

Dizzy1234 · 07/07/2021 13:15

I agree that to play games they need an opponent, you. Retire from the game gracefully.
Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and what's more the pig enjoys it. 😉

Roomonb · 07/07/2021 13:27

I like my in-laws but I would never take responsibility for gifts from my DH. It’s not like he took over my family commitments when we got married 🙄. Just ignore it. If she brings it up just say “oh I thought we weren’t doing presents anymore”. If your husband wants to host he knows where the kitchen is.

Millymog · 07/07/2021 13:28

my ex MIL was a bit like this and it did my head in.
We once went on holiday all together and MIL and I walked into a handbag shop together, she made a bee line for one bag and in the other direction I picked up a different one. The one I picked was a bit of a younger woman's style but really there was nothing in it.

MIL saw me holding the bag I had picked up and purposefully put her bag down and took the one I was looking at off me.

It was bizarre in a "this is a competition" kind of way where it had never dawned on me she might view it that way, and even if it had, i would never get so hett up about a bloody handbag.

Other people's agendas can be so weird when they somehow put something on you which you never thought about in the first place.

billy1966 · 07/07/2021 13:31

I can't believe you have tolerated this for 30 years!

Your husband is upset??

Why?

Knittedfairies · 07/07/2021 13:34

Just drop the rope and walk away. The perfect Christmas only exists in books or in films, so do what makes you happy.

BungleandGeorge · 07/07/2021 13:34

I’ve never been to a spa where you can’t buy a gift voucher online or on the phone, they lose loads of money if they made people travel there. Was the beauty box online? I would have thought they were both reasonably low effort presents.
Does SIL get you and husband a present? How old are the children?

Newgirls · 07/07/2021 13:36

@DeloresPickleRick

Ignore it all and let your DH deal with his family's bullshit.
This!!

Why are you involved in gift buying for his sister at all?!

Cocomarine · 07/07/2021 13:39

Just gobsmacked you’re still playing the games. Just stop. That’s your choice.

YANBU to want to - YABU to not have done it years ago, and to seem to need MN to approve it!

BungleandGeorge · 07/07/2021 13:42

And how many children do you have OP? If you have 4 and she gives £20 each for Christmas and birthday, possibly if the children are teenagers she might have been very relieved of the chance to stop..,

Doghead · 07/07/2021 13:44

I really don't know where this whole idea of having to host someone for Christmas comes from. If you don't want to do it then don't. Just tell everyone you want a quiet Christmas.....just you DH and the DC. They're adults and quite capable of taking care of themselves.

Stop allowing SIL to mug you off and call the shots. Send a small gift chosen by you and if she doesn't like it it's tough. She's getting all this power and controlling things because you're allowing her to.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/07/2021 13:46

My DH is a bit upset

Not enough to ever have gone and bought something himself for his sister though

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/07/2021 13:47

I think your decisions are all absolutely right.
Stuff 'em.

SunshineCake · 07/07/2021 13:50

Your mistake was feeling like you "had" to travel to eg arse end of nowhere etc etc. Should have nipped that in the bud immediately.

H1Drangea · 07/07/2021 13:54

You need to stop this now , don’t start worrying about Christmas in July !
Like a previous poster I only buy for my ( grown up ) DC and DH

Cunningly I don’t have either SIL or MIL mobile phone number , and they don’t have mine
They are friends on Facebook so can send a message that way if they want too

Have the Christmas you want , with DH and the children , maybe pop over to see the inlaws for an hour in the morning ? Then they can’t complain they’ve had the day on their own

ancientgran · 07/07/2021 14:06

I'm not sure why you are bothered, you don't have to buy her a present so it is a win for you.

As a mother of grown up children I think the idea that you are a muggins for having ILs for Christmas horrible. If you don't want them don't invite them but they aren't a burden to be shared out but relatives you either care about or don't.

Personally I'd rather be home alone with beans on toast than be "entertained" by someone who thinks they're being a mug.

Lotusmonster · 07/07/2021 14:12

Book a fabulous Christmas away ….make them jealous!

tallduckandhandsome · 07/07/2021 14:15

YANBU, it's good she's stopped the £20 bungs, now you never have to buy for her again - victory!

Also, if DH wants them for Christmas in the future then he can bloody host!

tallduckandhandsome · 07/07/2021 14:16

@ancientgran

I'm not sure why you are bothered, you don't have to buy her a present so it is a win for you.

As a mother of grown up children I think the idea that you are a muggins for having ILs for Christmas horrible. If you don't want them don't invite them but they aren't a burden to be shared out but relatives you either care about or don't.

Personally I'd rather be home alone with beans on toast than be "entertained" by someone who thinks they're being a mug.

Being hosted for Christmas by your daughter in law is a privilege, not a right.
Brookes99 · 07/07/2021 14:21

Sod her I say! You're financially (and probably emotionally) better off if neither of you buy things it seems like!

Beancounter1 · 07/07/2021 14:31

If you are still fuming inside then you do have to 'fake it until you make it', i.e. get to a place where you are at peace and no longer fuming.
By whatever route it takes.
(not saying it is easy)

HarebrightCedarmoon · 07/07/2021 14:36

Sounds fair enough to me. If she says anything just say "Oh, I thought we weren't bothering with presents now."

For Christmas, definitely just do your own thing and pop over for a drink later.