AIBU to think this is really petty of my SIL

[PettyGamePlaying]

I have been with my DH for 30 years (met v young) and I am a couple of years older than my SIL. We are both now middle age women. For as long as I have known my SIL she has received Christmas and birthday presents from us. Before DH and I had DC we had very good jobs and so bought her decent things. When we had DC and I gave up work, we tried to tone it down but received very serious emotional blackmail from both her and MIL. Over the past decade I have toned it down, but not as much as I'd like.

So, every year my SIL asks for lovely gifts for herself and my DH says that she buys for our DC, so we have to really. It is like a transaction. She doesn't really buy for our DC though. She just bungs them £20. She bought them a gift at birth, but that's it. She has never once asked us what they like, what she can buy them or walked into a toy shop to buy them anything. So, a 3-year old got a £20, meanwhile, I have to traipse around going to her favorite Spa in the arse end of nowhere to buy her a voucher or go into town and urgently get a limited edition of some beauty box that is launched just for Christmas. If she ever asked me what my DC liked I could have easily given her lots of ideas to buy. DH and I never get gifts, but she sorted the DC so was OK.

Anyway, since I am sick of the above and always hosting Christmas, last year I told her that I was toning down Christmas presents and just buying small things. In the end, Christmas lunch at mine didn't happen due to lockdown.

So, my DC didn't receive a Christmas bung from her and they have now both had their birthdays and she sent them nothing. I don't actually care and neither do they but I think this is really petty. SIL and MIL have form for game playing. I have seen it a million times with other people and they have done it to me too. If you do something they don't like, even if you are in the right, you get punished by being snubbed or excluded. I have 8 nieces and nephews and I have never missed an occasion and I'd never be petty around them. MIL and SIL seem to think that a "punishment" will bring us into line or upset us and teach us a lesson.

I'm not sitting here upset for us or my DC. I am sitting here just thinking that I am sick of this type of shit and can't be arsed with their games. I don't want to acknowledge to her that I am bothered. My DH is a bit upset, but I just think it is pathetic. I think the best thing I can do here is to fake it till I make it and act as if I haven't even noticed.

She has already indicated that she won't be seeing PIL this Christmas as it is her DP's turn to see his family, or she will be going on holiday. Oh, so that leaves muggins AGAIN to host. She has never hosted them, only me. I have told my DH that I am not hosting them and she can have them at her house, I don't care how many of his family are there or she can take them on holiday with her. That is her problem, I am not doing it. I am also not buying her anything ever again.

Inside I am fuming at these games. WWYD and AIBU?

I said YABU because you seem as invested in the drama as they are. You're saying you don't care but are also saying they are 'very petty' and you're posting on MN about it. That suggests you do care. It seems obvious they would scale back presents if you did. You scaled back; so did they.
As for Christmas, that's up to you and your DH. No-one makes you host. You're an adult. From the little you've posted it sounds as though your DH is caught in the middle of the drama between you all. It all sounds exhausting. Decide together what you are doing for Christmas. Announce it now. And don't spend any more time thinking or talking about it. This is all taking up too much energy.

I'm a bit on the fence here.
DH's family don't go in for big gifts. One is positively stingy and a family joke, never more than a fiver spent. Another sends (generous) gift vouchers for shops. We live in the back of beyond and I spent my life bying the bloody vouchers off the DC so they could buy something.

So my stance is to buy nice gifts for all adults and put cash in an envelope for children up to age 18.
Children like cash much better than a toy they already have or a voucher they cannot use.

Stay strong and don’t buy. I know a lot but because we like to be kind but actually it’s a chore alot of the time. There’s too much choice and not enough time.

Send a bunch of flowers as her card if you want to acknowledge her birthday for DH sake ( and be the bigger person ) But that’s it for effort.

Christmas invites for Christmas nibbles only, on Christmas Eve. Or Bixing Day if you think they might find a need to stay over.

Just tell them you’ve made plans for Christmas. No need to tell them what those plans are.

@PettyGamePlaying

Oh dear, seems like a massive nerve has been zapped here. Perhaps Paddington is my SIL. She certainly sounds like her.

I'm sure she is your SIL! Bunging £20 in a card is hardly caring and thoughtful - let alone time-consuming or generous. It's what I do for my grown up nephews and nieces! Only I'm a little more generous....

Aren't people strange? The games they play.

Your Sil sounds horrible. Your mil too. Interesting that your mil knows whose house to go to for Christmas. Well done for being able to detach. And ignoring a poster with a very entitled attitude.

@Paddling654

I just didn't buy her anything thoughtful.

I have never before come across someone so happy to admit their lack of kindness. I would find it very difficult to spend any amount of money on a relative and avoid buying anything thoughtful.

As for buying her lunch, it's clear she's coming to please her mum and this is not a favour to her. She does seem to do everything possible to avoid a family Christmas and I don't blame her. You all sound like the least loving functional family imaginable.

If she gifts £80 at each Christmas and birthday, as you seem to say she always did, you're unlikely to be out of pocket.

Yep, it's SIL.

How did you even get to this point? Why didn't you just laugh the first time a grown woman demanded lovely presents from you?!

Me andy siblings dont buy each other anything, never have.
There is 9children between us- We dont buy them gifts either, we get them.together though around xmas at the local soft play center of day trip out.

I would therefore not be buying SIL any other gifts again and stop hosting them.
Selfish to leave it up to one family to host each yer

Well, @Paddling654, as at now, approximately 944 people (95% of a total of 994 respondents) agree with the OP, and 50 don't. Instead of twisting the OP's posts to try and excuse her SIL's unacceptable behaviour, you might want to put any personal agendas aside and pay attention to what nearly 1,000 people are saying.

It doesn't even register to them that perhaps we are sick of always sucking up the cost and the hassle of hosting Christmas.

Believe me it registers, because that's exactly why they don't offer to host. You absolutely mustn't fall into that silence and invite them.

Your DH could say something like 'you know after 30 years I don't believe we've ever been to yours for Christmas. How about you host this year?'

Why not book a lovely Christmas meal out. Say ‘this year we plan to support the hospitality sector that has been really hard hit by Covid. We are going to X at X O’clock. Feel free to join us there, it’s X per head’
You’ll probably still be quids in, hosting is very expensive. And as for gifts, just call it, say ‘we’re not doing gifts so please don’t feel you have to’
Good luck with it all, be brave and decisive so you can free up some brain space!

Tell them that you’ve seen the light and going on holiday for Christmas is the way forward, as per sil. Then suggest that they get a request to visit her house in early and sell it as a novelty.

@Paddling654 you don’t give gifts (in your case £20 note to OP’s 2 DC) and expect a gift back, let alone an expensive gift.

YADNBU

CoralSparkles

That's ridiculous but in that case, it seems odd that the OP expects gifts. She seems well aware that there 'should' be reciprocity around hosting so she understands the concept.

What she seems to have done is extremely petty. She has lowered the cost of the gift she gives her SIL (and removed the 'thoughtfulness' from the gift so goodness knows what it is) to recover the costs of catering for her on Christmas Day - so the SIL is ostensibly receiving hospitality but in reality paying for her own meal. Her SIL has foiled this plan by reducing the amount she gives to nothing.

Talk about a race to the bottom.

Paddling654 you don’t seem to understand appropriate behaviour with gift giving.

Thoughtfulness, rather the amount spent, is appropriate behaviour around gift giving. It's amazing that someone would actively decide not to be thoughtful and be unaware that this would be a hurtful move. The OP is very controlling to decide that any drop in reciprocal giving is 'petty' as her SIL is free to respond as she wishes to this. If someone behaved to me as the OP had done, I wouldn't feel inclined to continue with this farce but then it hasn't occurred to me not to be grateful for any gift given to my children.

I wonder why the OP spends time with these people if she despises them to the point that giving cash in a card is evidence of something dreadful.

This is the kind of daughter in law I hope never to end up with!

What I can't understand is why this has gone on for 30 years. I would have knocked it on the head after the first Christmas.

Sounds just like my in laws!! The games they play are shocking. My DH is only coming round to seeing how they behave.
I don't interact with them. Once they start their silliness I walk away and snobb them; it's funny how they react once boundaries are set and you don't let them in. I think you're just right in decisions. You do what suits you.

I have a narcissistic SIL too , am quite happy now ( after many shitty experiences ) to smile and ignore.
Make arrangements to have Christmas away - doing something different to celebrate the end of lockdown etc etc
You are not obligated to do anything you do not wish to - you have your own life to live and once you break free you will feel so much better .
Just do it .

Next Birthday just send a card. Nothing inside

Leave it empty and don't buy a gift. Be strong!

@HouseOfGoldandBones

She's done you a huge favour OP. I'd be sending her a message saying:

Hi SIL, I think your idea of stopping Christmas & birthday presents is great now the DCs are getting older.
Unfortunately we won't be able to host PIL for Christmas this year as we've decided to do our own thing.
See you soon.

Absolutely love the first idea!! 🥂😜

I’m always amazed on here that adults put in orders for what they want for Christmas - to me that takes all the fun out of it. We ask for the kids latest fads or interests as they can’t go and buy what they want, but all adults get what they are given. Much more fun.

YANBU to be annoyed that your SiL has stopped buying your children presents. But it has turned into a bigger deal for you than it needs to be. It's one less hassle for you that you dont need to bother with. And if she ever asks for anything, you can say oh I thought we'd stopped all that, or smile and bung her some cash in an envelope. Easier all round.

The hosting thing, I'd be more annoyed at your husband to be honest. He is putting his discomfort at saying no to them over you having a nice relaxing Christmas.

Why cant he either -
Be firm and say you are having it on your own
Say people can come round in the morning/ for brunch or something only and see the kids open their presents
Have xmas dinner the day before or after and host on xmas day but get a takeaway curry or something on the day so you're not actually having to do anything
Be honest with his mum and say that he would love to see them, but it's not fair to ask one person to do it every single year so the options are do it at theirs or meet for a walk or go have xmas dinner at the pub
Arrange to go away for xmas, stay in a cottage or visit some friends so you're genuinely not around and the habit is broken

He really needs to learn to deal with some manipulation or emotional blackmail. Is there nothing he can do to try a bit harder than just agreeing every time?